Apocalypse, Pt. LAST...

Well Loyal Blog Followers:

It's been a long and wondrous journey. The Apocalypse Lists were all so creative and hilarious. I loved reading them. I thought we'd end this little experiment with my list. By the by if you are reading this and have no context or understanding of what's going on just scroll down and read like the last 6 entries. So please to enjoy:

The Sydney Bristow Team of the Apocalypse:

Creating this team was more difficult than I thought it would be. There were definitely moments when I struggled with who to take and who to leave behind for the zombies to devour. Ultimately though I had to be ruthless. The following ten people can handle just about anything that the apocalypse will throw at them. Go ahead, pick up that gauntlet I just threw down. I dare you...

THE LADIES:

Patrice aka Patrick:

Patrick was my roommate during college. She was pre-med (she's currently in medical school) and she is probably one of the best science nerds ever anywhere. In addition to being brainy her summer job was to work for Montana's Parks and Rec department. She literally hiked all over Montana tracking Noxious (sp?) weeds. So obviously she's on the team and I'm sure you think I'm going to say it's because she can use her medical and survival skills to carry our team to victory. It's not. We will of course capitalize on Patrick's vast knowledge. But we will rely on her for something far more important: her willingness to perform any dare. My Patrick is insane. Once I got her to run around our house in the middle of winter (in Seattle) in her underwear during the middle of the day. She's got balls and we're going to need them.

Rachel Nazarian aka Dawson:

Rachel is my sister-in-law. She is hard working, has a good attitude, and loves the color pink. All of these are reasons she belongs on this elite team. But Rachel's best asset? She tells it like it is. When zombies are attacking our perimeter and we're down to our last can of baked beans it will be tempting to put a positive spin on things. But Rachel will just give me her best eye roll/sigh combo and say, "Chels I love you, but you know we're in trouble here. Maybe we should stop with the jokes and just feed the zombies Daisy." I know Rachel will survive the Apocalypse- I went on a cruise to Mexico with her.

Amy Cox-Klug aka Mrs. Sheriff Jeff:

Amy was my baby-sitter. She let me jump on my parents' bed and watch Newsies as much as I wanted. She was who I wanted to be when I grew up. Amy and I have some of the best conversations I've ever had. When we get together hours pass before I notice. But what does she bring to an Apocalypse? Well, first of all, she has adopted two beautiful boys from Africa and she's amazing with paper work. This is a skill we will need once we're ready to set up a semi-permanent government. She's brilliant and tenacious and doesn't mind walking on a scabies-filled rug. But mostly Amy is here because she is the strongest woman I know. Life has knocked her down plenty and Amy just keeps getting up. We need her strength- especially when fighting the brain-eating zombies.

Jenna Quan aka Valentine:

It's been said before, Jenna is amazing. I think she's on every person's list- this speaks to her amazing abilities. So I'll just say, I'm not stupid, I want Jenna on my team too. Why on earth would I draft a rookie when Tom Brady is available??

Avalon Ragone aka Lil' Chels:

Avalon is one of my delightful students. She's going into 9th grade in the Fall, she loves TOMS shoes, and she was in a Star Trek movie when she was a baby. Among all of that Avalon will do absolutely ANY task you give her. Seriously the jobs that absolutely no one else will take Avi does with a smile. But the biggest reason she's on this team is that I know nothing will break her. She is one of the famous Ragone Triplets and if she can survive life with Vincent and Dillon, she can survive anything.

THE MEN:
Pierre Bartels aka The Christian Yoda

Seriously guys? Seriously? No one has Pierre on their lists?! Are you all insane? Do you want to watch all your loved ones get their brains eaten by zombies? Pierre needs no explanation, but here is one just in case you don't know who he is. Pierre is South Africa's Godfather. He runs the organization Out Of Africa Missions. He's not scared of hard work or tears. He can sort out absolutely any problem. Once my friend Sam lost his contacts while we were travelling through South Africa. Pierre got him new ones, without his prescription or a visit to an eye-doctor. Oh, and did I mention they were the right PRESCRIPTION??!! How does that happen?! Also Pierre will help us remember that God loves us and is in control. Frankly he'll probably have all the zombies converted and loving Jesus day 2 into the Apocalypse.

Tyler Hellinga aka Buck Wild:

Tyler is my Best Man of Honor (even if he doesn't want to admit it). I trust him with my life, my secrets, and a blow torch. He's been hit by multiple cars, in multiple cities. He climbs mountains, battles raging rivers, and hunts sharks. Let's face it, Tyler is going to be the main muscle on this team. Plus when we were in jr. high he promised me he could build me a castle in Mexico in one week, so setting up our shelter should be no problem.

Aaron Bensoua aka Benzy:

Without Aaron none of these lists would be possible, so he has to be on my team. But it's not like he'll be dead weight. The man will be a major asset. First of all Aaron has a focus I've never seen before. I have seen him at the gym and it's like the whole world disappears. Seriously, you can yell his name as loud as you want, he won't hear you until he's done all his reps. This focus will be imperative to our survival. The other reason Aaron's on this team is he does everything 100%. If Bensoua tells you he'll be in your Fantasy League, Book Club, Fruit-of-the-Week mailing list, Fraternity, or Secret Cult he does it completely. The man commits. So congratulations Aaron's currently non-existent wife, you got a keeper.

Tucker Bissaillon aka Papa Tuck:

Tucker helps out with my youth group. He is quiet, well-mannered, easy going, and a joy to be around. But here's why he's on this list: Tucker is one of the funniest people I know. It takes awhile to be admitted into his circle of trust, but once you are, you will not be able to stop laughing. In addition to all of this Tucker has survived multiple camps with our Jr. High boys, he can do anything. I love me some Papa Tuck!

Alexander Bertucci aka Xander or "Not the Clone"

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty torn between taking Xander and Baby Leoh Severios. I'm still not sure I made the right call. But this I know to be true: Xander is funny, has great style, and can survive two weeks in South Africa no problem. He also has a very secret, very real plan to rebuild our government in case of Apocalypse. I'm not allowed to divulge the details, but suffice to say, he's prepared for every possible scenario.

So there it is... my team. If the Apocalypse happens we'll all meet at my house for the inevitable "get ready" montage that comes in any Apocalypse movie.

Good luck and God bless to all the Apocalypse teams out there. May the best survive!

The Apocalypse- pt. 6

Ok, ok, ok... we almost done with Apocalypse lists on Chelsea's blog! Hang in there! Here's a submission from Jenny Nazarian!! Enjoy it people! This is the last one (I'll post mine in a day or two and then we'll be done).
Love,
Chelsea
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I was going to stay out of it... but I just can't do it! Your apocalypse lists are interesting but very short sighted. It's great to have a whole bunch of muscle and machine guns on your side, but you are all lacking a very important component: OLD PEOPLE!!! They have wisdom. They have experience. AND they don't care anymore how they look, thus giving you youngsters more mirror time during the disaster. Many wear diapers so you won't have to always be on the lookout for a port-a-potty during scouting trips. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... they lived through the Reagan administration so they can help you set up your new government. LOOK AHEAD PEOPLE, it's not all guts and glory... we need a PLAN for the future!

Personally, I hope I perish in the first wave, but in case I don't... I humbly offer my suggestions for the "Apocalypse Team":


Noreen Nazarian:

Yes, it's true she's a little slow physically and she often leaves her hearing aids at home, but she more than makes up for it in spiritual muscle. We can leave her behind in the camp knowing that she will be on her knees praying for us as we are out there fighting or gathering food. During campfires at night she will tell us bible stories or read us articles from Reader's Digest and remind us to seek God first. She lived through the Great Depression so she knows how to make do with less. She doesn't eat much and with a little help from Apple tech support she can set up her own computer system.

Tom Cox


This man knows how to balance a budget people! You won't find yourselves dealing with debt ceiling issues with Tom on your team. Politically savvy, smart, trustworthy, and able to walk for miles as long as he's hydrated, Tom is a win-win team member.

Heather White:


Heather works long and hard and isn't a whiner. She can cook and isn't squeamish. She has a science background and home schooled two ruffians for years so we can trust her to educate the next generation.

Tyler Hellinga:

I'm not an idiot. Someone has to do the fighting! Tyler's my best hope for our survival. He can most anything including arson involving a troll doll (it's a long, entertaining story- ask Chelsea to tell it to you sometime). He's also respectful to old people and has good manners, thanks to Denise Hellinga, so there's some hope for decency in the next generation.

Amy Hellinga:

Medical professional and all around nice person. She will set up the new health care system with intelligence and compassion. Also there's no hope of keeping Tyler Hellinga happy and focused on fighting without her... plus I'm counting on her to help with the repopulation process since most of us are past our prime in that particular area.

Bryan White:

It's all been said, but we need this guy to survive. No one else is going to have the innovation and talent to put up new satellites and restore communication. He's not a picky eater and will go out of his way to make peace with the enemy. Sometimes DIPLOMACY works better than starting a war, Tyler Nazarian!

Cheryl Thom:

If you've ever been on a mission trip with Cheryl, you know that she is gifted at finding water. We'll need this skill. She is also perky and fun and knows how to plan a wedding on a budget. I figure we are going to have to find Bryan a mate at some point in the future, even if we have to steal one from an enemy camp... repopulation is important to our goals here! Cheryl is in!

Mark Nazarian:

We need a qualified Armenian to bargain for supplies and Bryan's future wife. In addition, Mark can preside over the wedding and the inevitable funerals. In his youth, Mark insisted that the president of the United States requested that he not get a vasectomy just in case they wanted to build a super race. I never believed this story, but it was President Ford so anything is possible. That being said, I think we better just count on Mark for his abilities as a counselor, spiritual advisor and trade advocate.

Katie Timmerman:

Katie is tough as nails and good at spying. She can take any junior higher (and Kevin Cox) with one hand tied behind her back and isn't given to drama or hysterical fits so common to girls her age. I think she has potential to be one of the next world leaders. In the meantime, Tyler Hellinga will find her skills as recon specialist invaluable.

Chris Graue:

Chris will be on hand to record and interpret history as it happens (i.e. History Project Theatre). He will be our scribe, our storyteller, and shaman. His outlook on life is refreshing and unique and he doesn't mind going without a shower. Plus, he isn't afraid to challenge the status quo so he will keep Tom from getting uppity about the budget. Chris, we need you!

The Apocalypse- pt. 5

Dear Loyal Blog Readers:

Have you given up on my blog forever because it's been overrun by Apocalypse Lists? I hope not. I promise by Monday I will have returned to regular scheduled programming. For that slim group that is loving these lists here's another one. Now this author holds a special place in my heart because he is Armo, loves God, has the musical talents of an angel, and just became the proud father of the world's cutest half armo-half Russian baby.

Enjoy this hairy edition!

Love,

Chels

p.s. side note. Alex did send me some wonderful photos to go along with this post. However apparently computers hate me. I crashed my computer 3x trying to upload them- then I crashed my computer at work when I tried again. So... I reccomend checking out his facebook to see what these people look like.

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The Apocalypse Dream Team

Written By: Alex Enfiedjian

The end of the world has come and only one team is going to survive. I propose that my team will whoop all the other teams' butts! So who makes the cut?

TYLER HELLINGA: Tyler is a madman. This man is the most athletic man I know. He is good at anything that involves physical activity (way to go Amy!). Give him a skateboard, he'll ollie over your head! Oh, did I mention he's the most extreme person I know? "Yes please, I'd like to sign my life away to jump out of airplanes behind enemy lines, find a captured solider, and then drag the wounded fool through the woods, or desert, or snowy tundra, as I shoot lots of nameless bad guys with my one free hand, leaving a wake of bloody bodies behind as I bring the lost solider to safety." That's Tyler Hellinga. Hardcore.

RYAN CHAMBERS: Ryan is the world's best wanderer. The guy has been wandering for the last eight years. Just yesterday he crashed on my couch on his way down from Portland Oregon, riding his bike with 100 pounds of survival gear all the way down to Los Angeles... by himself. And that was one of his short bike trips. He's traveled Europe for 4 months, by himself, without a map or a translator... he's been to Central America and Illinois (I know, right?!). He doesn't mind sleeping in his car, and in fact, he prefers it to an apartment. Ryan is a deep thinker and will balance out my impulsiveness. Plus we outran a train on a narrow bridge together... so I'm pretty sure we can survive anything.

NIKOS ENFIEDJIAN: Nikos just don't take no crap from nobody. I need his ornery little self on my team!

SCOTT BREITHAUPT: Scott grew up in Forks, Washington (Yes, where Twilight is based. No, he's not a vampire.). I know you guys don't know Scott, but he's a woodsman to the core. No joke, for fun, he hikes 10 miles out into the middle of the woods with nothing but water, a backpack, and a rifle. He sleeps out there in the pitch black without a tent or a sleeping bag. Then early in the morning, he hikes out further, kills the biggest deer he can find, and cuts it up into small pieces, packs the meat into his backpack, and then lugs the 100lbs of meat back the 10 or 20 miles to his car. The best part is, he knows how to make amazing deer jerky.

ME: I mean... its my team, so I gotta be on it, right?

LILIYA ENFIEDJIAN: She's a super sexy Russian spy and she can grab things with her toes. Need I say more? Oh ya... and she's my super sexy Russian wife as well. Triple win! No, but seriously, besides being incredibly beautiful, Lilya is just the most amazing, supportive, self-sacrificial person I know. I need her on my team and in my life... even if there isn't much life left.

CHELSEA NAZARIAN: Chelsea is pretty boss. She's really smart, kind, and compassionate. She will be there for us when we have mental breakdowns and will let us cry in her arms as she comforts us and creepily strokes out hair.

HEATHER BREITHAUPT: Scott's wife. She's pretty kick butt too. She can hike a million miles while carrying her 40 pound toddler on her back. I tried to do it for like 5 minutes and my weak Armenian thighs were jiggling like jello. Plus Heather has 3 kids so, she knows how to multitask... and she makes some bomb food.

CAROL WILLIAMS: This lady is just the sweetest most wonderful lady you'll ever meet. She dances with flags during worship... come on now! Plus she's full of wise, spirit-filled counsel (her white hair proves it). We need people like hat when we're all fighting and wanting to kill each other because we can't agree on which person of the team to kill and eat first. Carol would step in and point out the weakest member and make the decision clear! Just kidding... she'd calm us down and make sure we didn't harm each other. It's always a good thing to have Carol Williams around.

MADISON KALAMA: I couldn't fit Justin into my guy's group... so I gotta squeeze a Kalama in here somewhere. Madison is pretty awesome. She works in an old-people's hospice, so she's used to gross and gnarly things. She wipes poop off grown people's bodies everyday... and she prays for them while she does it! Pretty amazing! I know that Maddy would be able to take really good care of us if one of us were to get injured by a zombie or radioactive dog or something like that.

So that's it. That's my list. I know I've used all my 10, and I know that a post-apocalyptic world isn't exactly the safest place for babies... but look at this uber-cuteness alright?? I'm sneaking in Sophia Enfiedjian for slot 11.

The Apocalypse- Pt. 4

Hi All:

Here's the latest... Tyler Nazarian's much anticipated Apocalypse List! Only a few more days to turn in your submissions! If you haven't been following the story from the beginning here's your chance! Read this, this, and this!

Love to you,

Chelsea

Apocalypse Now

Written by: Tyler M. Nazarian

Ok, here's the deal... as soon as my sister and Aaron started discussing this end of the world apocalypse situation and what group of 10 people could survive the longest, it Chelsea about 5 minutes to call and fill me in. Needless to say being the planner that I am, I've already had a working list on this exact topic for some time now.

The first thing we need to clear up is the scenario. This is an apocalypse situation. This is not a zombie or vampire situation. In my scenario, there has been some sort of catastrophic global disaster, similar to the movies: The Postman, The Book of Eli, or the TV show Jericho. My team of ten is a group best suited t survive in the barren wasteland that remains. If we were attempting to outrun zombies or fend off vampires, this list would look quite different. I just wanted to clear that up prior to the reveal that way we're all on board.

Now in reading some of the other lists out there I've noticed that some people have gone to great lengths to try and be funny, or to bring along loved ones, or not to hurt feelings; this will not be my list. My list may hurt feelings, people might feel left out, I did not bring someone just because they are my friend or a loved one. My list represents what I believe to be the best culmination of skills needed to survive and flourish in this harsh new world. Just know this friends, if you are upset that you have not made either mine or anyone else's lists, it might be time for you to go learn some useful skills. Again, not trying to be funny... I am 100% serious. Now to the LIST!

GUYS:

1. Bryan White:

First choice is a no brainer, if he is not on your list you're not going to make it out there very long. I have seen this man go camping and not bring enough food to eat. This is not because he is an idiot, it is because he was so confident in his skills as a fisherman that he felt he didn't need food- he could find his own. This type of confidence and determination is exactly what we need. Also, he is a genius, and the ninja turtles would have been screwed without Donatello, and so would we. Bryan... you're in!

2. Aaron Bensoua:

Bryan may have a ton of ideas, but I need a guy who can think logically and analytically to help come up with truly solid strategic plans. I don't like to jump into anything without thinking it through and neither does Aaron. His cool headed thinking compiled with his physical strength and abilities could go a long way. Not to mention, if anyone slide tackles his ass, he'll kick the crap out of them. I like your passion Benzo... You're in!

3. Matt Janosov:

Though most people know Matt as the upfront leader, he actually has another role that he fills even better. Matt is a one man support system. If you need help with a project or task, look no further than Cotton Candy Head. Matt can lend a hand with almost anything. He would be extremely useful around camp and would make a decent medic. His ability to remain level headed would be invaluable and on a personal note, I need a close friend who always has my back. Matt... You're in!

4. Tyler Hellinga:

What the hell are all you out there thinking not bringing this guy?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO TYLER HELLINGA IS?? He is Mr. Disaster scenario. Tyler would be the ultimate scout, tracker, solider, and partner. He wanted to be a navy seal for years. Tyler is literally the perfect person to bring. We got the brains and the heart, now we're bringing in the heavy artillery. Tyler... of course YOU ARE IN!

5. Marcus Enfiedjian:

and in the final round of the 2011 Apocalypse draft, Tyler Nazarian pulls the ultimate trump card. Every group needs a go-with-the-flow guy who is extremely helpful and useful but never complains. I present to you: Marcus! Yes, he is a perfect fit for the easy going hard worker, but now let me explain his real role. If you saw the movie Troy then you will get this. If you didn't see it, stop reading this, get a Netflix account and start spending your time in a meaningful way, you Loser! Anyway, at the beginning of Troy there are 2 huge armies about to fight, but the kings decide that in order to spare some bloodshed they could just have their best fighters duel it out, last man standing wins. Enter Marcus Enfidejian, the National Champ. He would be our ace in the hole, just in case we ran into some other not so friendly roaming nomads. Marcus- The Champ is IN!

LADIES:
1. Rachel Nazarian:

I know I said in the beginning that this is not about martial commitment and guess what- it still isn't! I married Rachel because she is freaking awesome and of course I want her with me. Not only can she cook, which seems to be the only thing people remember about her sometimes, she is organized and handy. I've worked alongside her in Mexico building houses and we could definitely use her skills. Not to mention, if she is there I know I'm gettin' some (ya know what I'm saying...)!! Rach, Baby... you're in!!

2. Jenna Quan:

I see that most of you have her on your lists. Good job, you're not an idiot. Jenna is amazing and awesome and she has to be there. She is a hard worker who is strong and can carry her own weight. Also she has a very positive attitude about almost everything and is always sincere. This new world doesn't need a bunch of fake people telling you just what you want to hear. Jenna will tell it how it is but always manage to do it with love. Jenna is awesome and every team needs her supportive demeanor. Jenna... You're in!!

3. Danielle Quan:

Yeah, that's right- you were thinking, "Man how can this awesome list get any better?" Well insert another Quan! Danielle is strong and athletic. She has a good heart with a tough exterior. Also she has worked in a physical therapist office for awhile now, so she could help with the inevitable aches and pains we're bound to get. DQ... You're in!

4. Amy Rosinsky:

The last thing any group needs is a power struggle. How do you prevent that? Stop bringing so many people who want to be in power. Sometimes if you have too many Chiefs, you need to bring an Indian (I apologize if you take offense to that statement). Amy is a hard worker who is quite content in that role. She reminds me of Jennifer Grey from Red Dawn (again if you haven't seen it... You Suck). She is soft spoken but has a hidden fiery passion for life. She would make a great worker and fighter if need be. I trust Amy and trust is huge. So Amy... You're IN!

5. Daisy:

Here's the thing, I asked Chelsea if I could trade in some of my girl picks for more guys and she said no. In reality Daisy probably won't be that useful, but honestly not many other chicks would be either. Sorry... well... kind of. I figure that if it's between having a somewhat helpful girl around who is another mouth to feed or having my dog to play with and keep me happy and sane, I choose the dog. Sorry girls, I choose my dog- who can't do much- over all of you. Hahaha Daisy... You're In!

Well that's it. There's my list. If you think you're better suited than any of these, let me know who and I'll consider it. Honestly, a big part of me agrees with Aaron, and wants to create some sort of huge catastrophic global disaster just to try out my list. If you're in, let me know and we'll figure something out.

Oh! And in case you wanna know what I'm going to be doing... I'm leading the team. If you wanna know what qualifies me, here are 5 good reasons...

The Apocalypse- Pt. 3

Hey Ya'll, it's time for another edition of: "Who would I take with me in an Apocalypse"! HOORAY! Now you may ask yourself, "But Chelsea we already got a list today and it was amazing." That's true, but as the wise Aaron Bensoua told me this afternoon: we must strike while the iron is hot! So Without further ado, here is the link to Miss Tiffany Janosov's Apocalypse Dream Team.

Again if you don't know what I'm talking about read this and then this!

The Apocalypse pt. 2

Well it's Sunday morning so it's time for another edition of: THE APOCALYPSE! If you don't know what that is read THIS! Today's list comes from the brillant mind of Kevin Thomas Cox. He created his list on the bus while we traveled to Forest Home. Although he doesn't write reasons like Aaron did, his list still makes me laugh. The fun part of Kevin's list is that you get to try and figure out why he wants the people he does with him. So without further ado...

The 10 People Kevin want with him during an Apocalypse:

1. Phil Eisenhower

2. Justin Kalama

3. Bret Cogan

4. Nikos Enfiedjian

5. Oliver Severios

6. Colleen Cox

7. Rachel Nazarian

8. Christina Mehrenbod

9. Chelsea Nazarian

10. Ryley Goldsworthy

The Apocalypse...

Dear Loyal Blog Readers:

Today I have quite the treat for you. I am allowing my friend Aaron Bensoua to be a guest author on my blog. I promise that he will entertain you in ways you never imagined possible. The following post was written 100% by him, I have not edited it in anyway shape or form (even thought here were parts I really wanted to). After reading this masterpiece, if you feel you have response and want it posted here, then email me.

Thanks,

Chelsea

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"The Apocalypse Dream Team"

By: Aaron Bensoua

So Chelsea came to me one day with an idea during one of our Challenge calls- (Yes, I have to interject off the bat and explain. Chelsea and I get together every week and have a full thirty minute phone conversation about MTV's The Challenge, which if you haven't seen it, might be the most riveting reality show that has ever existed. It's the right balance of athletic prowess and drunken debauchery that I can't rip my eyes away from. I also probably shouldn't mention that we handle our own fantasy league as a result from the show. We draft players before the season and assign points for funny things they do. I digress, that's another blog post for another day.)

Back to the matter at hand, an issue of far more importance. Chelsea came to me at the end of one of these chats and posed a great question: If we endured an apocalyptic event, which 10 friends (5 guys and 5 girls) out of our circle of friends would you take with you? It's funny that she asked me, because I ponder this dilemma on an almost daily basis. It's something that I may or may not have given far too much thought.

Remember that part in the movie 2012 where John Cusack---- ah, who am I kidding, none of you've seen 2012. Let's take a better apocalyptic movie: I Am Legend. Now in this movie, it was Will Smith, a dog, and the entire empty city of New York (give or take a few million zombies).

(That dog should have been named Wilson.)

The movie was decent but I can only take so much of one actor, any actor, on screen at a time. (The only movie where this worked was Cast Away- the degree of difficulty for Tom Hanks to pull that off for 2 1/2 hours is remarkable.)

But what if Will (I can call him Will now- we're tight like that) got to choose a select group of friends to stay with him? The interaction certainly would have made that movie much more entertaining, but it also would have introduced a group dynamic which would have greatly impacted his potential survival (It also would have saved us from a wildly illogical ending). The decision on which people to take is crucial. This isn't a list of "Who are my top 10 friends?"-- It's a list of people who bring a certain distinct element to the group.

It's like I'm assembling a basketball team- I can't have everyone be the "gun man." (By the way, in my apocalyptic world, I'm just going to assume there are zombies or some sort of alien race running around- I'm just trying to keep this realistic.) So in that case, I am forced to choose friends, not based on how much I like them, but rather on the question, "What do you bring to the table when we're knee deep in toxic waste, fighting off strange creatures at all hours of the night?" (It's funny how much a post-apocalyptic world sounds like half of the bars in Hermosa on any given Friday night...)

Now ultimately, creating a list like this and putting it on the internet can alienate groups of friends, I know for a fact that certain omissions will complain "WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK ME!?!" To which I'll respond, "BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A SINGLE DISTINGUISHABLE TRADE SKILL, YOU NON-CONTRIBUTING ZERO!" It's going to be a fun song and dance, but needless to say, this list needs to be made. Don't get offended! I still love you all equally. Plus I'm posting this on Chelsea's blog- it's not exactly the Huffington Post.

So, without further ado, here are my Top 10 friends whom I would pick to join me in the Netherworld:

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The Guys-

Bryan White- (aka B-Dub, Chupo, Winglets- If you're ever at the Beatles Revolution lounge in Vegas, bring up the fact that you're familiar with plane winglets, trust me.)

If this assignment were to choose one friend to take with me, I would take B-Dub. Without question. Without hesitation. He would be the MacGuyver of the wastelands; creating slip knots out of electrical wire, inventing some sort of analytical engine to solve tasks- basically doing crap that people like me don't understand and just assume work on their own.

He also has no fear. One time we were in Catalina "fishing" for sanddabs. Now I put fishing in quotes, because I doubt you could even qualify this as fishing. Essentially, you put bait on hooks and simply drop it into the Pacific Ocean until these little bottom-feeding fish swim over, take the bait, and you pull it back up. I exert more energy eating at a sushi bar.

We had been fishing for a while and caught a lot of fish, until one moment, when we caught a baby shark. I jumped back a bit in the boat, while Bryan basically just palmed the shark like John Elway palming a football and pulled the hook out of the shark's mouth before I was done sweating. Dude is nails! I need him with me in my foxhole. It's the easiest way to guarantee my survival.

Phil Eisenhower-

Do you all have that one friend when the first time you look at him, you go, "This guy could be one of two things --Either the lead singer of the band Kansas or a key member of my apocalypse group?" That's Phil!

Now I'll admit, I don't know Phil as well as everyone else in this group, but I feel very confident that I can judge an entire person's demeanor and persona from limited social interaction, their Twitter profile, and Facebook photos. He wouldn't blink in this situation. He would thrive. Phil would be exploring, creating, mapping out the terrain, setting up a new worldwide bartering system based on old VHS cassettes, whatever comes up! As the elder statesman, we would also look to him for guidance. But however....

Phil, unfortunately, you're also going to be the first to die. But you'd go down in a blaze of glory, ala Goose in Top Gun. You're going to be captured on some recon mission by a band of nomadic tribesman. They'll interrogate you, but you'll keep your mouth shut. It'd be all heroic and we'd honor your memory with a yearly celebration of ale and red meat while blasting this song full tilt. Carry on brother! We'll get revenge for you.

Tyler Nazarian-

While most of us would be a little amiss and taken aback with a sudden upheaval into an unknown world, I know for a fact that out of anyone in the group, Tyler would be the most excited. He would also be the the one to comfort everyone's inevitable freakout.

My least favorite part of any apocalypse movie is the 10 minute scene when one person has an emotional breakdown and everyone else has to waste time comforting that person (it's usually the girl in the group, sorry ladies.) I watch those scenes and say to myself, "We're wasting valuable screen time here people! We should be smashing aliens!"

But with Tyler around, that scene doesn't happen. Who is going to have an emotional breakdown when Tyler so clearly lays out every possible scenario and situation needed to survive. This guy has probably seen and analyzed every movie out there describing this type of world. (Actually, scratch that "probably" and put down "Absolutely without a shadow of a doubt"). He's a natural leader and would eventually lead the clan. Let's just say, I'm giving him the conch.

(That reminds me of my biggest complaint with Lord of the Flies, the conch. What a stupid idea that was. I never understood why throughout the entire course of the book another one of the kids never found another conch and claimed superiority-- you're on a beach for heaven's sake, there's a billion of them there! We could have saved Piggy damnit!)

Bret Cogan-

This choice is a slam dunk. Bret brings the single most distinguishable skill out of everyone: The ability to freestyle cook. Now I know what you're thinking- "Wait a minute Aaron, I know how to cook, pick me!"

First of all, no, you don't know how to cook. You know how to follow a recipe. Just because you can cook a successful meal from a recipe doesn't make you a chef. Congrats, you followed step-by-step directions from a piece of paper- you now possess the cognitive skills of a kindergartener. A chef is someone who can create a dish from random ingredients based on their ability to understand how food is supposed to taste and be prepared. Taking your Lean Cuisine out of the freezer and microwaving it just won't cut it.

I'm going to be able to hand Bret a chicken, a half-eaten carrot, and an old boot and have him turn it into Jambalaya. The food situation will be dire here and he'll be incredibly valuable. We'll have to protect him at all costs. We all remember his dessert from the 4th Annual Ryan Weiss Christmas Party. That's not something you just buy from Costco.

(The most concerning thing about the RWCP is that no one won MVP last year-- the winners were so easily defined in years 1-3, but last year, there was no clear-cut champion. Most of us ended up trying to shoe horn Rachel into the crown with a performance not even close to past winners. It's a pretty scary trend guys- we all need to get into the film room, and research where we all went wrong. Someone needs to take the belt in the fifth installment- right now the belt is just floating in exile without a home, like CM Punk and WWE Championship.)

Xander Bertucci-

I vacillated pretty frequently between Xander and Graue for the last slot, but eventually settled on Xander. With Graue, he would absolutely enjoy living in an apocalypse, but would probably enjoy it too much. He would start doing things to make the apocalypse worse, driving the rest of us up the wall. Of course, we'd all look back on the footage and realize it was genius, but in the moment, I'd be chasing Graue around with a machete.

Xander on the other hand would be perfect, He adds just the right blend of sociopathic crazy and intelligence. He is also secretly a fit hiker. If you've ever been backpacking with him, you'd realize that by the time you look up from filling up your Camelbak, he's gone. He marches through terrain like a freakin' mountain goat. I won't have to worry about carrying Xander on my back, because I won't even know where Xander is. But when he returns to base camp in 16 hours, he'll have a handful of wild blueberries and a full caribou with him. Those are the moments when we remember why we love Xandy. Plus he has the ability to rock the sweetest bandana tans ever seen. It's the stuff dreams are made of.

The Girls:

Chelsea Nazarian-

I picked Chelsea because one, it's her idea and two, she wouldn't post this unless I chose her...

Just (somewhat) kidding. I don't know if you all remember the infamous Nazarian "Street Smart-Book Smart" debate of 2010. If you don't, it was pretty much the Lincoln-Douglass Debates of our generation. Basically, Tyler and Chelsea (brother and sister if you didn't know already) were arguing which one of them was book smart and which one of them were street smart.

After some pretty heated back and forth, and wise consultation with their friends (I received a phone call on this subject), the consensus ended up being that Tyler was Street Smart and Chelsea was Book Smart. Both will continue to argue that they are both, but I think the rest of us will agree with what the jury settled on. (Although, if you count comic books, picture books, and volleyball coaching manuals as books, then Tyler is a pretty well-rounded dude, but that is neither here nor there.) That book intelligence is exactly why Chelsea needs to be here. The group I'm assembling has tremendous upside, but they can also be pretty volatile. Without Chelsea, we would either survive or self-destruct within 48 hours. Chelsea needs to be there as the voice of reason- the calm in the storm. The one to say, "Hey Xander, maybe we shouldn't burn through our entire supply of rice because you think you've discovered a better way to solve the moisture issue of your Nikon D90 camera. We don't even need a camera anymore. Stop lighting things on fire!"

Chelsea is also really funny. Not like, "politely giggle and move on" funny, but genuinely funny. She can tell jokes that produce a real guffaw. (I may or may not have just spent 3 minutes researching synonyms for "laughter" before settling on guffaw- it's a great word. I'm bringing it back.) Welcome aboard Chelsea- you're the first girl.

Megan Lynch-



Megan has the perfect combination of sheer athleticism and downright insanity. One moment, she is sweet, normal Megan, and the next, she turns into some creature named Megor and is doing some strange Gollum impression on top of Half Dome (true story). That's the wild card she brings to the group.

Also every group needs a seductress. I know for an absolute fact that our group won't be the only surviving group-- there will be a similar group out there that we'll need to interact and trade with in order to live. When we run into this rag-tag group of kids, I'll try to be diplomatic and work out a deal, and fail. (We've all seen my Diplomacy skills- worst game ever invented) Tyler will suggest rolling in, guns ablazing, and turning their home base into a smoldering crater, and fail. So with our back against the wall, we'll turn to Megan to go in and put some voodoo hex on their leader to make our escape.

How does this work? What do I look like a scientist here!?!?! I don't have all the answers. All I know is that if anyone can pull off this maneuver, it's Megan. I mean, she actually got people to buy clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch when she worked there, so I know that skill is somewhere in her.

"Wait, so you're saying I can have an extra-tight polo shirt, acid-sprayed ripped jeans, and look like a spoiled, douchey East Coast prep kid for ONLY $175?!?!! I'll take two!" How A&F has convinced any portion of the public to buy their clothes is beyond me. We should send them to negotiate all foreign treaties from now on. We could drop them in Jerusalem in the morning, settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in the afternoon, and have both leaders watching lacrosse and dancing to some super loud Tiesto beat by the evening.

Jenna Quan-

I have Jenna playing a very important role in the group: The Eternal Optimist. I don't think I've ever seen Jenna upset over anything. Sometimes I like to challenge myself and see if I could come up with a scenario that would make her crack: "Ok, Jenna, how upset would you be if it was raining on your wedding day, and you've paid for a ride there that you've already taken, after ignoring perfectly good advice, and all the while the song "Ironic" is stuck in your head?"

She would respond-- "That's weird, but whatever, it could be worse." Followed by a giggle, and that would be that. That's the kind of attitude I need! You could present Jenna the most uncomfortable situation possible and she would roll with it. That is such a huge quality, especially when the situation presented is going to be a dank, depressing underworld with a bunch of desperate kids fighting for survival. She'd keep spirits high.

Colleen Cox-

Time to talk about the elephant in the room: Someone has to be the mother of the next generation of children. There I said it. It's important. Humanity's survival depends on our ability to reproduce and reproduce good kids that won't grow up and cause a second apocalypse. (Looking at you Michale Lohan!) So let me give you a list of my friends who are both emotionally and mentally ready for that job:

1. Colleen

That's it. That's the list.

Colleen is the only person I would trust to raise humanities next best hope. Plus Colleen is athletic. Her kids will be one of those hyper-competitive ones that will flip out over anything: a game of nerts (Does nerts exist outside of our group? Is it popular anywhere else? I've never seen anyone else play it, which is a real shame because it's such a fun way to verbally destroy the person you're partnered with because she missed the Ace of Diamonds RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!), tetherball, or even Heads-up 7-up.

I predict this will be an actual quote from her kids after a Heads-up 7-up game, October 2020-- "THAT'S SUCH CRAP! YOU WERE PEEKING AT MY SHOES THROUGH YOUR ARMS! THAT WAS THE MOST STEALTH THUMB-SLAP IN SCHOOL HISTORY AND THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY YOU COULD HAVE PICKED ME! I'M PROTESTING THIS GAME! Teacher, you can't let anyone out of Rainy Day Schedule until this matter is resolved!" -Colleen Jr.

That's what I'm talking about! It's a tough world out there and we'll need people who are mentally strong. (Note- I'm going to give Kevin, her husband, a special voucher to attend this apocalypse just to keep things St. Andrews appropriate cause you know....)

Tina Perkins-

(She's the one on the left...)

I absolutely need Tina here. Mainly for one reason: she's been training a long time for this type of decrepit world for the past few years at ZBT. All those Egyptian soap parties will finally pay off! But no seriously, Tina knows me better than probably anyone and that connection is going to come up huge. I also trust Tina more than any other girl, which may or may not be pretty frightening when you think about it. Actually, wait, that's terrifying....

But Tina has developed food immunities that I know will carry her far. She has spent her entire college career eating food at a place called "Buck Fifties." There is nothing that we could thrown at her that would cause a negative reaction.

(Buck Fifties is a Mexican food shack in Westwood that serves the gnarliest, greasiest delicacies taht you will ever find. It's one of those places that you wonder why it is ever open during hours other than Midnight to 3a.m. But after a night out on the town, nothing sounds better than a 14-inch burrito and dream fries. Of course, the next morning, ANYTHING, sounds better than a 14-inch burrito and dream fries while you're vomiting in the toilet for hours.)

Also I'm fairly certain we won't have access to automobiles there, so Tina will be safe from that one. ...(if any of you claim too soon on this, I would like to introduce you to the Kettle. You are the same people that rolled out the same "I guess she should have gone to rehab" joke on Twitter literally seconds after Amy Winehouse died this weekend. You all have no shame.)

Plus let's be real for a second, Tina's an attractive girl and I need to make sure attractive girls are with us. Otherwise I'd probably start developing strange feelings for people that I shouldn't. Philip, I'm looking at you. We'd have some sort of weird Brokeback Mountain sequel involving space cowboys. No one wants to see that. This is a pick for my sanity.

____________________________________________________________________

So there you have it, that's my list. I'm going to be real- I'm almost tempted to bring about the apocalypse and try this group out. But before we do, in the coming days and weeks, other people are going to roll out their Top 10 lists and post them here: generating a whole 15 more people to Chelsea's blog. Let the great debate begin- at least until the NFL Lockout is over and I can go back to Fantasy Football..