i've waited a few weeks to post this blog and i'm not exactly sure why. i know the things i'm about to write were things i wanted to share, but i think the idea of sending these words out into the abyss seemed a little scary. so i write slowly, with caution, asking God to take my humble offering and make a meal of it.
towards the end of september i went to the doctor for a physical because of a pre-exisiting condition part of the physical involved me having an ultra sound a week after my original appointment. my ultra sound was seemingly routine, but a few days later when my doctor called with the results it seemed that things were not routine. she was concerned that perhaps my original pre-exisiting condition was a mis-diagnosis and that i had something much more complicated and scarier. she encouraged me to see a specialist and said she was no expert (being a GP) and that i should wait to worry till after seeing the specialist. yeah, right.
about a week and a half went by before i could get in to see the specialist and during that time i became a crazy person. i cried at the drop of a hat (literally, i dropped my beanie one morning and burst into tears). i suddenly became one of those people who trolls the internet for information and i made my mom listen while i rattled off every scary story i read. i was hurting, deeply. i was scared and sad and angry. when i am feeling vulnerable my first instinct is to crawl inside myself and hide. i am not a share-er. i do not let people in easily, it's just not in my nature. but because of some very important work that God has been doing in my life recently, i decided to ignore my instincts.
i gathered a handful of close family and friends together and told them what was going on. i asked for their support and prayers. i asked them to open their hands and help carry the weight that i'd been dragging around. amazingly, they did. i can't express in words how that healed me. years ago i had been betrayed by someone that i thought was a safe place and i had decided that trusting people was no longer an option. for years i'd been walking around on the earth carrying the anger and pain and distrust. it. was. exhausting.
trusting my friends and family with this very tender pain wasn't easy. a couple times i woke up in the middle of the night worried that i had made a mistake. but after a few days i leaned into their love and i felt so incredibly safe. they cried with me, prayed for me, and told me it was all going to work out. who knew that such simple acts would be so precious?
in the end, the specialist said my original diagnosis was correct. she believes that my GP just didn't factor in some other important variables when reading my scan. it was a roller coaster of a month but i think God took me on it so i would learn that he created me for community and i'm so glad he did!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
full circle...
i'm currently soaring above oregon, letting this giant steel bird carry me home to seattle. i've missed my city and all of it's glorious trappings, but before this bird lands i thought i'd take the time to process through the great, big things God did the past few weeks in my old home.
i spent the last 3ish weeks in beautiful california. i got to see two of my dear friends get married (not to each other, but to the dashing young men they had found for themselves). emily and amy were truly the most beautiful brides. i feel so thankful that i got to cheer along as they spoke vows and kissed lips.
i also got to see the people that live in my heart, but not in my city. i got to have sushi dates with my christina and listen to all the things i've missed while living so far, far away. i went to pipeline and played mafia with all my favorite ragamuffins. and let's not forget that i had tacos! like real, wonderful, spicy tacos!! can we get a huge "AMEN!" for that please?
i spent time with my mom and dad. i loved getting to sit with them in the morning and listen to dad's stories about his golf game while the smell of my mom's coffee cake invaded my nostrils. there really is no where i feel safer than in our living room, laughing and talking and eating.
but the very best part of my trip was the last four days. i had the huge honor of being the speaker at our church's family camp. and while it was such a pleasure to get to share my heart and my thoughts with my church that wasn't what made the time great. here's what did: i played cards till the wee hours (well, at least what i consider the wee hours) with patrick and syd. i swam in the pool with sally while we talked about her amazing daughters who constantly surprise me with their big hearts and wise souls. i laughed till my stomach hurt while peter ranted about toddlers and tiaras. i engaged in the world's most chaotic water war and though i was soaked head-to-toe i feel that i fought valiantly. i watched angela conquer her fears and the high ropes course! i danced my tush off at disco night and listened with pride while tony melted our faces with his guitar playing. my boys kept me on my toes with their antics and they reminded me why i love them so much.
i had church! i was knee deep in community and it reminded me that my heart is fullest when it's living life with the people around me. i feel incredibly grateful that i got to spend this time with you sweet SAPC!
well, my metal bird seems to be headed back to earth, so i guess i should put my laptop away. i need to sleep like maybe 100 days before i'm recovered, but i'm so full of joy.
i spent the last 3ish weeks in beautiful california. i got to see two of my dear friends get married (not to each other, but to the dashing young men they had found for themselves). emily and amy were truly the most beautiful brides. i feel so thankful that i got to cheer along as they spoke vows and kissed lips.
i also got to see the people that live in my heart, but not in my city. i got to have sushi dates with my christina and listen to all the things i've missed while living so far, far away. i went to pipeline and played mafia with all my favorite ragamuffins. and let's not forget that i had tacos! like real, wonderful, spicy tacos!! can we get a huge "AMEN!" for that please?
i spent time with my mom and dad. i loved getting to sit with them in the morning and listen to dad's stories about his golf game while the smell of my mom's coffee cake invaded my nostrils. there really is no where i feel safer than in our living room, laughing and talking and eating.
but the very best part of my trip was the last four days. i had the huge honor of being the speaker at our church's family camp. and while it was such a pleasure to get to share my heart and my thoughts with my church that wasn't what made the time great. here's what did: i played cards till the wee hours (well, at least what i consider the wee hours) with patrick and syd. i swam in the pool with sally while we talked about her amazing daughters who constantly surprise me with their big hearts and wise souls. i laughed till my stomach hurt while peter ranted about toddlers and tiaras. i engaged in the world's most chaotic water war and though i was soaked head-to-toe i feel that i fought valiantly. i watched angela conquer her fears and the high ropes course! i danced my tush off at disco night and listened with pride while tony melted our faces with his guitar playing. my boys kept me on my toes with their antics and they reminded me why i love them so much.
i had church! i was knee deep in community and it reminded me that my heart is fullest when it's living life with the people around me. i feel incredibly grateful that i got to spend this time with you sweet SAPC!
well, my metal bird seems to be headed back to earth, so i guess i should put my laptop away. i need to sleep like maybe 100 days before i'm recovered, but i'm so full of joy.
Friday, July 12, 2013
The West Wing...
the west wing is my favorite tv show ever. i mean ever. i own the entire series on dvd, watch it regularly and often, and still find it as enjoyable as i did the first time. i've decided to list out my top ten favorite episodes. this was a difficult process, but i think i've managed to do it. so without further ado, in no particular order, please to enjoy:
10. the crackpots and these women (season 1)
in this episode leo has set up appointments for each senior staff member to meet with a group that usually doesn't end up getting face time with the west wing. cj meets with an animal rights group that wants to build a wolves only hwy, sam meets a man who believes there's an alien spaceship headed toward earth, etc. meanwhile josh is given instructions on what to do in case of a major threat on the country and they don't sit well with him. this is one of my favorite episodes for a couple reasons. first, it is the first episode where aaron sorkin is making a statement about what government should be, rather than what it is. he's posing the question: what would our country look like if we took time to listen to a variety of voices? secondly, it's hilarious. the scene of cj bantering with this wolf group makes me laugh out loud every time. finally, this makes the top 10 simply because of two scenes: josh with his therapist and josh with cj. both scenes are some of bradly whitford's best acting in these series. they are subtle, powerful, and hugely emotional.
9. in the shadow of two gunman: parts 1 and 2 (season 2)
i'm cheating here and making counting two episodes as one, but whatever. it's my blog, i make the rules. two gunman have shot at the president and his staff as they exit a building. in these opening episodes for season 2 we flash between how the white house is handling the emergency and how the senior staff all got into their positions. these episodes are remarkable. they're understated, even while they're walking through an extremely dramatic storyline. they're quiet and yet by the end of the episode, i found myself incredibly moved by what i had just seen. one last thing, i think the MVP moment of these episodes is when donna first finds out that josh was shot. janel moloney makes some really bold choices as an actress and they pay off in big ways.
8. 17 people (season 2)
in this episode toby figures out that bartlett isn't planning on running for a second term and the president is forced to tell him that he has MS. meanwhile josh, donna, sam, and ainsley are punching up the jokes for an upcoming speech the president is giving. i love the interplay between toby and the president in this episode. they're both angry and frustrated. they're both convinced they're in the right. there's this constant tug-of-war between them and this episode is a great example of that. plus this episode really digs into the question of how much privacy our presidents should be afforded. i love that aaron sorkin is never afraid to wade into murky waters and leave us there to find our own way out. also the stuff between josh and donna is heartwarming and as always sam and ainsley have great chemistry and really give us something to giggle at.
7. two cathedrals (season 2)
i love this episode so much i have actually used it as an illustration in multiple sermons. this episode tackles mrs. landingham's funeral, it flashes back to how bartlett met mrs. landingham, and it sets the stage for season three. there are multiple amazing moments in this episode. but here are my two favorites: everyone has left the church after the funeral and the president asks the secret service to seal the chapel so he can have a moment alone. as a man of great faith it seems like this is going to be a moment where he grabs hold of God and leans on him. instead this is what he says:
Bartlet: You're a son of a bitch, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissin' there, 'cause I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman, a warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours but praise his glory and praise his name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that Tender ship of mine in the North Atlantic last year. Sixty-eight crew. You know what a Tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. It doesn't even carry guns, it just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail. That's all it can do. Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I dispelased you, you feckless thug? 3.8 million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, thirty million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the dog house? You get Hoynes!
i love this moment of anger, this moment of such grief and honesty. and i think it is a powerful example of how we can approach God in all of our brokenness. my other favorite moment is the last scenes of the episode. there's no way i can adequately explain it. so watch it for yourself:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EgLiPvhV-Y
6. isaac and ishmael (season 3)
during the hiatus for the show between the second and third season 9/11 happened. aaron sorkin decided to open the west wing's third season with a stand-alone episode that would address the aftermath of that tragedy. in this episode a group of high school students are visiting the west wing when there's a lockdown. so josh and the rest of the staff sit with them, in a cafeteria and they talk about terrorism. they ask the questions we were all asking ourselves during those first few months. again sorkin is at his best when he poses an issue, gives us all the sides to think about, and then leaves us to make our own decision about what is right.
5. game on (season 4)
it's the night of the big debate and as cj says, the staff is worried if the president is going to show up or if it will be "mr. fluffy." this episode makes my favorite list for only one reason and it's just a few lines delivered by the great martin sheen. but they are some pretty badass amazing lines:
Governor Robert Ritchie: My view of this is simple: we don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you - "unfunded mandate." He's going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people.
Moderator: President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things. "Unfunded mandate" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?
4. inauguration, part 2: over there (season 4)
the president is beginning his second term and all the hijinks that go along with that. for those of us who love josh and donna this is one of the best episodes. the scene where he comes to her house before the ball is just swoon-worthy. this is one of those episodes where i am in awe of how witty the humor of this show is. the lines are well written, no one would ever argue that. but they're also delivered with such precision that it's clear this show is made by the best of the best. this episode is fun, it's smart, and it's hilarious.
3. gaza (season 5)
donna is on a fact finding trip in gaza with a handful of senators when the car she's riding in is blown up. i think this episode completely changes the series. leo and the president disagree on what the response should be, to the extent that this is the beginning of the end for leo as the chief of staff. josh and donna's "will they/won't they" reaches it's boiling point and their relationship never really returns to what it looked like before. the tone of the show shifts as well. this episode reminds the viewer that a presidency may be full of nuances, but ultimately legacies are defined by one single decision, for better or worse.
2. impact winter (season 6)
cj, toby, and the president head to china for what is to be bartlett's last international trip of his presidency. his MS has progressed significantly and he is forced to stay in a wheelchair. meanwhile, josh is left behind to "keep an eye on things." this is also the episode that we see tangibly a change we have felt instinctively. donna officially quits and moves onto working for the vice-president's campaign. in my opinion donna is the character that changes the most in the series. this episode is where that change starts to practically show itself. she's no longer an assistant and she no longer can work under josh. their relationship is utterly different. i love that this episode has me feeling all topsy-turvey. the storyline in china reveals just how tenacious president bartlett is. the josh/donna storyline reminds me the end is near and shows how carefully crafted these characters were.
1. tomorrow (season 7)
in many ways the series finale left me craving more. i wanted to flash forward 5 years and see where all these characters were (and the blurb in the premiere of season 7 doesn't cut it). but really, this episode is the perfect end to a series that i love so much. as president bartlett and his staff are preparing to say good-bye, president-elect santos and his staff are just beginning. i have probably watched this episode (and the entire series) more than 30 times and without fail this episode makes me cry. always. my favorite moment is when debbie is showing ronna her desk. ronna wanders into the oval office and it's clear she's overcome with emotion and this room. debbie has this to say:
Your most important job is keeping track of who's going in and out of the Oval Office. The first thing you'll need to do is establish who'll have walk-in privileges. Usually it's just the First Lady and the Chief of Staff. At some point the President's going to ask you to take away his wife's walk-in privileges. Don't do it no matter how much he begs. You have the right to attend the morning staff meeting. I never went because the senior staff was already appropriately intimidated by my stern visage and dry wit. But you're young, you have a baby face. They are going to try and walk all over you. You should go. [Stands behind Ronna as she looks into Oval Office with awe.] You desk sits right outside this door. You prepare his schedule. You decide who goes in and who doesn't. Your most frequent response to any question will be 'no'. [Gives Ronna's arm a reassuring sqeeze] Say it with empathy and you'll be fine.
it always hits me at this moment in the episode how powerfully the simplest of jobs impact our world. in a lot of ways ronna is just a secretary. she's going to answer the phone and file papers, and yet she sits right outside the oval office and she decides who goes in and who doesn't. her presence makes an impact. ultimately that's something this show constantly teaches me: my presence makes an impact.
10. the crackpots and these women (season 1)
in this episode leo has set up appointments for each senior staff member to meet with a group that usually doesn't end up getting face time with the west wing. cj meets with an animal rights group that wants to build a wolves only hwy, sam meets a man who believes there's an alien spaceship headed toward earth, etc. meanwhile josh is given instructions on what to do in case of a major threat on the country and they don't sit well with him. this is one of my favorite episodes for a couple reasons. first, it is the first episode where aaron sorkin is making a statement about what government should be, rather than what it is. he's posing the question: what would our country look like if we took time to listen to a variety of voices? secondly, it's hilarious. the scene of cj bantering with this wolf group makes me laugh out loud every time. finally, this makes the top 10 simply because of two scenes: josh with his therapist and josh with cj. both scenes are some of bradly whitford's best acting in these series. they are subtle, powerful, and hugely emotional.
9. in the shadow of two gunman: parts 1 and 2 (season 2)
i'm cheating here and making counting two episodes as one, but whatever. it's my blog, i make the rules. two gunman have shot at the president and his staff as they exit a building. in these opening episodes for season 2 we flash between how the white house is handling the emergency and how the senior staff all got into their positions. these episodes are remarkable. they're understated, even while they're walking through an extremely dramatic storyline. they're quiet and yet by the end of the episode, i found myself incredibly moved by what i had just seen. one last thing, i think the MVP moment of these episodes is when donna first finds out that josh was shot. janel moloney makes some really bold choices as an actress and they pay off in big ways.
8. 17 people (season 2)
in this episode toby figures out that bartlett isn't planning on running for a second term and the president is forced to tell him that he has MS. meanwhile josh, donna, sam, and ainsley are punching up the jokes for an upcoming speech the president is giving. i love the interplay between toby and the president in this episode. they're both angry and frustrated. they're both convinced they're in the right. there's this constant tug-of-war between them and this episode is a great example of that. plus this episode really digs into the question of how much privacy our presidents should be afforded. i love that aaron sorkin is never afraid to wade into murky waters and leave us there to find our own way out. also the stuff between josh and donna is heartwarming and as always sam and ainsley have great chemistry and really give us something to giggle at.
7. two cathedrals (season 2)
i love this episode so much i have actually used it as an illustration in multiple sermons. this episode tackles mrs. landingham's funeral, it flashes back to how bartlett met mrs. landingham, and it sets the stage for season three. there are multiple amazing moments in this episode. but here are my two favorites: everyone has left the church after the funeral and the president asks the secret service to seal the chapel so he can have a moment alone. as a man of great faith it seems like this is going to be a moment where he grabs hold of God and leans on him. instead this is what he says:
Bartlet: You're a son of a bitch, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissin' there, 'cause I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman, a warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours but praise his glory and praise his name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that Tender ship of mine in the North Atlantic last year. Sixty-eight crew. You know what a Tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. It doesn't even carry guns, it just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail. That's all it can do. Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I dispelased you, you feckless thug? 3.8 million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, thirty million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the dog house? You get Hoynes!
i love this moment of anger, this moment of such grief and honesty. and i think it is a powerful example of how we can approach God in all of our brokenness. my other favorite moment is the last scenes of the episode. there's no way i can adequately explain it. so watch it for yourself:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EgLiPvhV-Y
6. isaac and ishmael (season 3)
during the hiatus for the show between the second and third season 9/11 happened. aaron sorkin decided to open the west wing's third season with a stand-alone episode that would address the aftermath of that tragedy. in this episode a group of high school students are visiting the west wing when there's a lockdown. so josh and the rest of the staff sit with them, in a cafeteria and they talk about terrorism. they ask the questions we were all asking ourselves during those first few months. again sorkin is at his best when he poses an issue, gives us all the sides to think about, and then leaves us to make our own decision about what is right.
5. game on (season 4)
it's the night of the big debate and as cj says, the staff is worried if the president is going to show up or if it will be "mr. fluffy." this episode makes my favorite list for only one reason and it's just a few lines delivered by the great martin sheen. but they are some pretty badass amazing lines:
Governor Robert Ritchie: My view of this is simple: we don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you - "unfunded mandate." He's going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people.
Moderator: President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things. "Unfunded mandate" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?
4. inauguration, part 2: over there (season 4)
the president is beginning his second term and all the hijinks that go along with that. for those of us who love josh and donna this is one of the best episodes. the scene where he comes to her house before the ball is just swoon-worthy. this is one of those episodes where i am in awe of how witty the humor of this show is. the lines are well written, no one would ever argue that. but they're also delivered with such precision that it's clear this show is made by the best of the best. this episode is fun, it's smart, and it's hilarious.
3. gaza (season 5)
donna is on a fact finding trip in gaza with a handful of senators when the car she's riding in is blown up. i think this episode completely changes the series. leo and the president disagree on what the response should be, to the extent that this is the beginning of the end for leo as the chief of staff. josh and donna's "will they/won't they" reaches it's boiling point and their relationship never really returns to what it looked like before. the tone of the show shifts as well. this episode reminds the viewer that a presidency may be full of nuances, but ultimately legacies are defined by one single decision, for better or worse.
2. impact winter (season 6)
cj, toby, and the president head to china for what is to be bartlett's last international trip of his presidency. his MS has progressed significantly and he is forced to stay in a wheelchair. meanwhile, josh is left behind to "keep an eye on things." this is also the episode that we see tangibly a change we have felt instinctively. donna officially quits and moves onto working for the vice-president's campaign. in my opinion donna is the character that changes the most in the series. this episode is where that change starts to practically show itself. she's no longer an assistant and she no longer can work under josh. their relationship is utterly different. i love that this episode has me feeling all topsy-turvey. the storyline in china reveals just how tenacious president bartlett is. the josh/donna storyline reminds me the end is near and shows how carefully crafted these characters were.
1. tomorrow (season 7)
in many ways the series finale left me craving more. i wanted to flash forward 5 years and see where all these characters were (and the blurb in the premiere of season 7 doesn't cut it). but really, this episode is the perfect end to a series that i love so much. as president bartlett and his staff are preparing to say good-bye, president-elect santos and his staff are just beginning. i have probably watched this episode (and the entire series) more than 30 times and without fail this episode makes me cry. always. my favorite moment is when debbie is showing ronna her desk. ronna wanders into the oval office and it's clear she's overcome with emotion and this room. debbie has this to say:
Your most important job is keeping track of who's going in and out of the Oval Office. The first thing you'll need to do is establish who'll have walk-in privileges. Usually it's just the First Lady and the Chief of Staff. At some point the President's going to ask you to take away his wife's walk-in privileges. Don't do it no matter how much he begs. You have the right to attend the morning staff meeting. I never went because the senior staff was already appropriately intimidated by my stern visage and dry wit. But you're young, you have a baby face. They are going to try and walk all over you. You should go. [Stands behind Ronna as she looks into Oval Office with awe.] You desk sits right outside this door. You prepare his schedule. You decide who goes in and who doesn't. Your most frequent response to any question will be 'no'. [Gives Ronna's arm a reassuring sqeeze] Say it with empathy and you'll be fine.
it always hits me at this moment in the episode how powerfully the simplest of jobs impact our world. in a lot of ways ronna is just a secretary. she's going to answer the phone and file papers, and yet she sits right outside the oval office and she decides who goes in and who doesn't. her presence makes an impact. ultimately that's something this show constantly teaches me: my presence makes an impact.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
a reminder i needed desperately...
my dad likes to end sunday services with the phrase: "God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good." sometimes it's hard to believe that. this year especially i found myself wanting nothing to do with God. didn't crack my bible unless i had to for school (so, ok, i guess i cracked my bible a lot), didn't participate during worship beyond singing, didn't even really want to go to church. i guess if i'm going to be really bluntly honest it's because i have felt that God dealt me a bad hand.
i am desperate to be a mom. i have all this love and light stored up in me and i just want to drench my children in it. even at 7 i was dancing around my bedroom, cradling my dolls and telling them that mommy loves them so much. i'm told that when my brother was born i barely let anyone near the newborn because he was "mine." motherhood is the dream that whispers to me before i fall asleep and it lulls me awake each morning.
for a variety of reasons i'm not sure that dream will ever become reality. at least not in the way i always thought it would and that knowledge built up a big wall around my heart. i felt like i was playing chicken with God. "give me what i want, in the way that i want it or i'm just going to dig my heels in even further!" i'm so glad that my God knows how to love me even when i'm a stubborn idiot.
a few years ago when i was first dealing with the reality of facing a future without pregnant bellies or crib preperation i was crying on the phone with my kathy. kathy eisenhower baby-sat me, came to all my soccer games and speech contests, and she was the first person to ever tell me that i don't need a man to be happy (although to be fair, i was 5 at the time and i'm pretty sure she was reacting to a break-up. but hey, true advice none the less). kathy, who has struggled with her own infertility said that not getting pregnant is like sitting in a waiting room and never hearing your name called. my kathy has been someone who understands and loves me and is always there when i need to talk.
for years kathy prayed and hoped and tried to live her life in a way that honored the Giver not the gift. last week God reminded her that she belongs to a tribe of women he did not forget: sarah, elizabeth, mary, kathy...
i am desperate to be a mom. i have all this love and light stored up in me and i just want to drench my children in it. even at 7 i was dancing around my bedroom, cradling my dolls and telling them that mommy loves them so much. i'm told that when my brother was born i barely let anyone near the newborn because he was "mine." motherhood is the dream that whispers to me before i fall asleep and it lulls me awake each morning.
for a variety of reasons i'm not sure that dream will ever become reality. at least not in the way i always thought it would and that knowledge built up a big wall around my heart. i felt like i was playing chicken with God. "give me what i want, in the way that i want it or i'm just going to dig my heels in even further!" i'm so glad that my God knows how to love me even when i'm a stubborn idiot.
a few years ago when i was first dealing with the reality of facing a future without pregnant bellies or crib preperation i was crying on the phone with my kathy. kathy eisenhower baby-sat me, came to all my soccer games and speech contests, and she was the first person to ever tell me that i don't need a man to be happy (although to be fair, i was 5 at the time and i'm pretty sure she was reacting to a break-up. but hey, true advice none the less). kathy, who has struggled with her own infertility said that not getting pregnant is like sitting in a waiting room and never hearing your name called. my kathy has been someone who understands and loves me and is always there when i need to talk.
for years kathy prayed and hoped and tried to live her life in a way that honored the Giver not the gift. last week God reminded her that she belongs to a tribe of women he did not forget: sarah, elizabeth, mary, kathy...
kathy and her newly adopted little boy josiah
this picture reminds me that i am a part of that tribe. i am not forgotten. i am not left alone. this picture reminds me that families are made in many ways and that God will not leave me without a community to love. mostly this picture reminds me that when i'm hurting and broken instead of digging my heels in and wanting to stand alone, i should be letting myself melt into my God's arms. it's the only safe place. so tonight, for the first time in a very long time, i feel hope. i trust that someday i'll get to experience the joy kathy is holding in her arms right now. and i hope that when my day comes i can look back and see that i was as faithful as my kathy. i hope i can be as brave and strong and that i can give hope to other women who live in our tribe.
kath- you know this already, but you are family. you may not be flesh of my flesh but you live in my heart. i'm so happy for you and phil. i'm so overjoyed. thank you for being a soft place that i can land when the world is just a little too hard.
Friday, April 26, 2013
preacher's daughter...
WARNING: this is a long one. it takes me a while to get off my soap box... read at your own risk.
so a couple weeks ago i heard about this new reality show on lifetime. it's called: preacher's daughter and it follows three teenage girls and their families as they navigate what it means to be a preacher's daughter. i've seen a couple episodes and i feel like this show warrants some sort of response.
i wish i could say that hollywood has stretched and pulled at the truth and what's left is just a horrible exaggeration of the church. i wish i could say that i don't know girls or families or congregations like this. i wish i could say that across the board being a preacher's kid is every child's fantasy. i wish, i wish, i wish...
i want to be clear that i'm not claiming to be some parenting expert (i mean my only child has four legs, is covered in fur, and still chases his tail), but i am a "preacher's daughter" expert and the following are my two cents...
i completely understand the fear that these parents are gripped with. i know that it is a heavy weight to raise a child. you want them to be safe and loved and provided for. you want them to grow up to be men and women who stand for something- who contribute to society. when you are the head of a church there's extra weight added. you know that fair or not your child represents you. a congregation of people look to you to be their leader and the way they perceive your kid counts against you (or for you, depending on said kid). the pressure of that must be incredibly intense.
PREACHERS: there was a scene that i watched tonight: the daughter had put some pictures up on facebook that her parents deemed inappropriate, the three of them were arguing about it and then dad said this: "do you think that this behavior is the behavior a preacher's daughter should be showing? does this represent us well?"AHHHHHH!!!! i hate this sentence. i'm so glad i never heard these words come out of my parents' mouths. let me translate what that seventeen year old girl just heard her father say: "your behavior is unacceptable only because you make me look bad to my congregation and to little baby Jesus."it is completely fair to call your kid out on their stupid mistakes, my parents did it all the time. it is fair to monitor their facebook pages and want them to make good choices. you know what isn't fair?? it isn't fair to lay the weight of your church on your teenagers' shoulders! when you do that your kid will start to equate keeping up appearances with faith. suddenly they look at God as someone who is keeping track of their "good" and "bad" behavior. Mom's and Dad's (especially mom's and dad's who are in leadership positions at church): HEAR ME! your child is a beautiful and precious gift from God (this, i assume, you already know) so deal with them. listen to them. listen to their words and their actions. correct them when they are off course. hand our punishments and kisses and prayers. remember that they can't read your mind and they don't know you love them if you don't say it AND show it. be present. don't let cell phones and ipads, TV and internet wedge themselves between your family. have dinner together. be vulnerable and make your home a safe place for them to be vulnerable. NEVER and i mean never use the calling that God gave you as a way to manipulate your child. it won't give you the result you're looking for. i promise.
CONGREGATIONS: in the first episode of this show that i saw, one of the daughters and her friends were helping out a clothing drive at the church. they started goofing off and one of the elderly members of the congregation was displeased with their behavior. that sunday after services that member went to the pastor and voiced her "concerns". i believe she said something along the lines of: "pastor, i don't see how you can lead your church if you can't lead your family. i'll be praying for you all." UGH! ok people, listen up: your pastor is a human being. he or she has strengths and weaknesses. you can't possibly imagine what it feels like to have your family on display week in and week out. your comments are not helpful, they are judgmental. i happened to be blessed with a home church that loved my brother and i unconditionally. they forgave us when we made mistakes and encouraged us throughout our lives. of course i've had the odd experience with someone who felt that because i was the pastor's daughter they could say whatever they wanted to me, but mostly my experiences were beautiful ones. but i have friends who have completely walked away from the faith because of "helpful comments". let your pastors raise their children and support them the way they try to support you. please pray for them, but there's no need to throw that around as some sort of "holy ninja star".
PASTOR'S DAUGHTERS: oh, my sisters... where to begin with you? i guess i have this to say: don't let your relationship with God be dictated by the ways the church has hurt you. the church is just made up of people and those people sometimes mess up. it's not fair to put your churches on this pedestal and expect them to be perfect. remember that whether you asked for it or not you are being watched. that shouldn't make you feel pressured to be anyone other than who you are, but it does mean that you carry a responsibility. i want you to know that you are seen. i want you to know that your questions and doubts and fears are all ok. more than anything i want you to value yourself, not only as a child of your earthly father, but as a daughter of our Heavenly King. i don't want your churches to become prisons, rather they should be the places where you feel free. remember that even though at times it feels the needs of your church will always trump your needs, your parents love you. they love you so much. and maybe give your dad a break when he asks you to put on a sweater before church. you're right it shouldn't matter what you wear, but if it doesn't matter than why have the giant fight? just wear the sweater. give a little and trust that your parents will try to give a little too.
so a couple weeks ago i heard about this new reality show on lifetime. it's called: preacher's daughter and it follows three teenage girls and their families as they navigate what it means to be a preacher's daughter. i've seen a couple episodes and i feel like this show warrants some sort of response.
i wish i could say that hollywood has stretched and pulled at the truth and what's left is just a horrible exaggeration of the church. i wish i could say that i don't know girls or families or congregations like this. i wish i could say that across the board being a preacher's kid is every child's fantasy. i wish, i wish, i wish...
i want to be clear that i'm not claiming to be some parenting expert (i mean my only child has four legs, is covered in fur, and still chases his tail), but i am a "preacher's daughter" expert and the following are my two cents...
i completely understand the fear that these parents are gripped with. i know that it is a heavy weight to raise a child. you want them to be safe and loved and provided for. you want them to grow up to be men and women who stand for something- who contribute to society. when you are the head of a church there's extra weight added. you know that fair or not your child represents you. a congregation of people look to you to be their leader and the way they perceive your kid counts against you (or for you, depending on said kid). the pressure of that must be incredibly intense.
PREACHERS: there was a scene that i watched tonight: the daughter had put some pictures up on facebook that her parents deemed inappropriate, the three of them were arguing about it and then dad said this: "do you think that this behavior is the behavior a preacher's daughter should be showing? does this represent us well?"AHHHHHH!!!! i hate this sentence. i'm so glad i never heard these words come out of my parents' mouths. let me translate what that seventeen year old girl just heard her father say: "your behavior is unacceptable only because you make me look bad to my congregation and to little baby Jesus."it is completely fair to call your kid out on their stupid mistakes, my parents did it all the time. it is fair to monitor their facebook pages and want them to make good choices. you know what isn't fair?? it isn't fair to lay the weight of your church on your teenagers' shoulders! when you do that your kid will start to equate keeping up appearances with faith. suddenly they look at God as someone who is keeping track of their "good" and "bad" behavior. Mom's and Dad's (especially mom's and dad's who are in leadership positions at church): HEAR ME! your child is a beautiful and precious gift from God (this, i assume, you already know) so deal with them. listen to them. listen to their words and their actions. correct them when they are off course. hand our punishments and kisses and prayers. remember that they can't read your mind and they don't know you love them if you don't say it AND show it. be present. don't let cell phones and ipads, TV and internet wedge themselves between your family. have dinner together. be vulnerable and make your home a safe place for them to be vulnerable. NEVER and i mean never use the calling that God gave you as a way to manipulate your child. it won't give you the result you're looking for. i promise.
CONGREGATIONS: in the first episode of this show that i saw, one of the daughters and her friends were helping out a clothing drive at the church. they started goofing off and one of the elderly members of the congregation was displeased with their behavior. that sunday after services that member went to the pastor and voiced her "concerns". i believe she said something along the lines of: "pastor, i don't see how you can lead your church if you can't lead your family. i'll be praying for you all." UGH! ok people, listen up: your pastor is a human being. he or she has strengths and weaknesses. you can't possibly imagine what it feels like to have your family on display week in and week out. your comments are not helpful, they are judgmental. i happened to be blessed with a home church that loved my brother and i unconditionally. they forgave us when we made mistakes and encouraged us throughout our lives. of course i've had the odd experience with someone who felt that because i was the pastor's daughter they could say whatever they wanted to me, but mostly my experiences were beautiful ones. but i have friends who have completely walked away from the faith because of "helpful comments". let your pastors raise their children and support them the way they try to support you. please pray for them, but there's no need to throw that around as some sort of "holy ninja star".
PASTOR'S DAUGHTERS: oh, my sisters... where to begin with you? i guess i have this to say: don't let your relationship with God be dictated by the ways the church has hurt you. the church is just made up of people and those people sometimes mess up. it's not fair to put your churches on this pedestal and expect them to be perfect. remember that whether you asked for it or not you are being watched. that shouldn't make you feel pressured to be anyone other than who you are, but it does mean that you carry a responsibility. i want you to know that you are seen. i want you to know that your questions and doubts and fears are all ok. more than anything i want you to value yourself, not only as a child of your earthly father, but as a daughter of our Heavenly King. i don't want your churches to become prisons, rather they should be the places where you feel free. remember that even though at times it feels the needs of your church will always trump your needs, your parents love you. they love you so much. and maybe give your dad a break when he asks you to put on a sweater before church. you're right it shouldn't matter what you wear, but if it doesn't matter than why have the giant fight? just wear the sweater. give a little and trust that your parents will try to give a little too.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
hide and seek...
when i was baby-sitting in high school my absolute favorite game to play with the kiddos was hide and seek. whoever invented hide and seek knew that no human being could keep a five year old entertained for five consecutive hours. at some point they'd need to sit in a bathtub, breathe, and hope said five year old took a few extra minutes to find them. i haven't played hide and seek in years, but recently i've picked it up again.
there's a gate that guards the entrance to my heart. it's tall and menacing. i've got really ugly trolls guarding said gate and a moat, just in case! no one gets further than i want them to. i've had the gate my whole life. i'm not sure what exactly prompted me to build it, but build i did and let me tell you, upkeep on a moat is not pretty.
but these past nine months that i've been living in seattle something really surprising has been happening: i've been taking down the gate. it's just a little at a time, a brick here, giving the trolls a vacation, things like that. last night i was talking with my class meeting (basically a small group my seminary places all students in) and i realized that the more i take apart my gate the more exposed i've been feeling. that nakedness has led me to hiding.
i've been hiding from my Abba. isn't that crazy? i've been avoiding church, been avoiding prayer, been avoiding the people in my life who help draw me closer to God. i'm not sure what i'm scared of. here i am, seminary student, cowering in a bathtub, hoping the God of the Universe takes a few extra minutes to find me (by the way, don't spend too much time dissecting that metaphor, it is not at all theologically sound).
here's the good news, actually here's the great news: that's ok!! we all hide from God. we all get scared and feel vulnerable. i think that when we have these seasons of bathtub cowering it's important to remember that they're just seasons. it's ok to give yourself a few extra minutes, but then stand up, get out of your hiding place and remind yourself that there's no where safer than Abba's embrace. i'm not sure i'm ready to come out of my hiding place quite yet, but i'm working on it. for right now, i'm content to know that eventually i'll be found and the gate will be all put away and what happens after that will be pure adventure.
there's a gate that guards the entrance to my heart. it's tall and menacing. i've got really ugly trolls guarding said gate and a moat, just in case! no one gets further than i want them to. i've had the gate my whole life. i'm not sure what exactly prompted me to build it, but build i did and let me tell you, upkeep on a moat is not pretty.
but these past nine months that i've been living in seattle something really surprising has been happening: i've been taking down the gate. it's just a little at a time, a brick here, giving the trolls a vacation, things like that. last night i was talking with my class meeting (basically a small group my seminary places all students in) and i realized that the more i take apart my gate the more exposed i've been feeling. that nakedness has led me to hiding.
i've been hiding from my Abba. isn't that crazy? i've been avoiding church, been avoiding prayer, been avoiding the people in my life who help draw me closer to God. i'm not sure what i'm scared of. here i am, seminary student, cowering in a bathtub, hoping the God of the Universe takes a few extra minutes to find me (by the way, don't spend too much time dissecting that metaphor, it is not at all theologically sound).
here's the good news, actually here's the great news: that's ok!! we all hide from God. we all get scared and feel vulnerable. i think that when we have these seasons of bathtub cowering it's important to remember that they're just seasons. it's ok to give yourself a few extra minutes, but then stand up, get out of your hiding place and remind yourself that there's no where safer than Abba's embrace. i'm not sure i'm ready to come out of my hiding place quite yet, but i'm working on it. for right now, i'm content to know that eventually i'll be found and the gate will be all put away and what happens after that will be pure adventure.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
To My Girls...
tomorrow is valentine's day and i've been thinking a lot about my girls. i've been thinking about the jr. high and high school students that i've worked with, mentored, and loved since they were little. there are some things that i wish someone would have said to me 20 valentine days ago. so, my sweet girls, this is for you....
to my girls:
valentine's day is another day in the year that we compare ourselves to others. it's a day that we look around and wish that our lives looked more like someone else's. i think it was designed to make women feel unsatisfied. if you're in a relationship than you have this expectation of what the night should look like. usually that expectation comes up short because your boy can't read your mind and even if he could, he probably doesn't possess the resources to make it rain while you're surrounded by twinkle lights and his embrace. if you're single than this is a night that you feel that singleness in every pore of your body. as someone that has never spent a valentines day with my soulmate (i haven't met him yet, but if you run across him tell him i'm getting pretty tired of waiting) pay attention to the following...
1. you are beautiful. every part of you is beautiful. we shouldn't need male attention to realize that, but somehow we do. but when you start to feel like smashing all the mirrors in your house because you're so disgusted with yourself, i want you to remember this: YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. God could have put you together any way He wanted and He wanted you just as you are. embrace that. be confident. trust that God doesn't make mistakes and He didn't make a mistake with you.
2. you are not alone. when all your friends start to get into relationships it feels like you missed the normal bus. i know it feels like you're all alone, but you aren't. you have people in your life who love you. don't discount that love because it doesn't fit into the box you want it to. embrace the fact that you have family and friends who care about you. when you feel like the loneliness is closing in, call one of those people up. let them love you!
3. there are thousands of adventures out there waiting for you. one of my biggest pet peeves is that there are no girl adventure movies. batgirl never gets to save the day (and let's be honest, she's not gonna catch any bad guys in those heels). the sandlot gang is sorely lacking in estrogen. in the movies girls are the prize. they're the thing all the boys fight over or they're there for eye candy and snarky one-liners. but that isn't reality. you can have thousands of adventures. you can travel the world. instead of watching your life pass by you while you wait for a valentine, get out there! go chase one of your dreams. get dirty. let yourself see what the stars look like on the other side of the ocean. i have had so much fun exploring. my life has been utterly and totally changed because i let God whisper adventure in my ear.
4. boys can be your friends. some of my best friendships are boys. boys are smart (sometimes) and funny. they teach you to not take yourself so seriously. they are loud and chaotic and fun. go have fun. go be friends with boys without hoping something else will happen. one of the ways that God taught me to value myself was through boys who didn't hold my hand or kiss me or buy me dinner. God taught me what it means to trust a man through friendships with great and wonderful men. go find yourself a matt janosov or a tyler hellinga. they will be some of your most treasured friendships.
5. lean into God. being single is hard. don't let anyone ever tell you it isn't. there are times that it feels like you will never get the someday you're waiting for. you are allowed to grieve that. and when it feels like the sadness is crushing you, go spend some time with God. talk with Him about your hurt. trust him with your hopes and your dreams. there is no love like the one He has for you. those aren't empty words. i have been waiting 29 years for a "someday" kind of love. there have been times that i thought the waiting would kill me. but in those moments i have leaned into my Jesus. i have trusted Him with every tear and i haven't ever regretted it. He loves me more than anyone ever can. i'm better because i trust that love.
i'm sure i've got more advice than this, but i think this is a good start. tomorrow when you're surrounded by paper hearts and chocolate boxes remember that you are loved. remember that you are so very important. and remember that you are never, never alone. i'm always a phone call away.
love,
chels
to my girls:
valentine's day is another day in the year that we compare ourselves to others. it's a day that we look around and wish that our lives looked more like someone else's. i think it was designed to make women feel unsatisfied. if you're in a relationship than you have this expectation of what the night should look like. usually that expectation comes up short because your boy can't read your mind and even if he could, he probably doesn't possess the resources to make it rain while you're surrounded by twinkle lights and his embrace. if you're single than this is a night that you feel that singleness in every pore of your body. as someone that has never spent a valentines day with my soulmate (i haven't met him yet, but if you run across him tell him i'm getting pretty tired of waiting) pay attention to the following...
1. you are beautiful. every part of you is beautiful. we shouldn't need male attention to realize that, but somehow we do. but when you start to feel like smashing all the mirrors in your house because you're so disgusted with yourself, i want you to remember this: YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. God could have put you together any way He wanted and He wanted you just as you are. embrace that. be confident. trust that God doesn't make mistakes and He didn't make a mistake with you.
2. you are not alone. when all your friends start to get into relationships it feels like you missed the normal bus. i know it feels like you're all alone, but you aren't. you have people in your life who love you. don't discount that love because it doesn't fit into the box you want it to. embrace the fact that you have family and friends who care about you. when you feel like the loneliness is closing in, call one of those people up. let them love you!
3. there are thousands of adventures out there waiting for you. one of my biggest pet peeves is that there are no girl adventure movies. batgirl never gets to save the day (and let's be honest, she's not gonna catch any bad guys in those heels). the sandlot gang is sorely lacking in estrogen. in the movies girls are the prize. they're the thing all the boys fight over or they're there for eye candy and snarky one-liners. but that isn't reality. you can have thousands of adventures. you can travel the world. instead of watching your life pass by you while you wait for a valentine, get out there! go chase one of your dreams. get dirty. let yourself see what the stars look like on the other side of the ocean. i have had so much fun exploring. my life has been utterly and totally changed because i let God whisper adventure in my ear.
4. boys can be your friends. some of my best friendships are boys. boys are smart (sometimes) and funny. they teach you to not take yourself so seriously. they are loud and chaotic and fun. go have fun. go be friends with boys without hoping something else will happen. one of the ways that God taught me to value myself was through boys who didn't hold my hand or kiss me or buy me dinner. God taught me what it means to trust a man through friendships with great and wonderful men. go find yourself a matt janosov or a tyler hellinga. they will be some of your most treasured friendships.
5. lean into God. being single is hard. don't let anyone ever tell you it isn't. there are times that it feels like you will never get the someday you're waiting for. you are allowed to grieve that. and when it feels like the sadness is crushing you, go spend some time with God. talk with Him about your hurt. trust him with your hopes and your dreams. there is no love like the one He has for you. those aren't empty words. i have been waiting 29 years for a "someday" kind of love. there have been times that i thought the waiting would kill me. but in those moments i have leaned into my Jesus. i have trusted Him with every tear and i haven't ever regretted it. He loves me more than anyone ever can. i'm better because i trust that love.
i'm sure i've got more advice than this, but i think this is a good start. tomorrow when you're surrounded by paper hearts and chocolate boxes remember that you are loved. remember that you are so very important. and remember that you are never, never alone. i'm always a phone call away.
love,
chels
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Currents: February...
I'm copying this idea from Maryann, because I love her, all her ideas, and her cats!
Currents: February 2013
Current Drink:
I've been digging the green tea recently. Mostly because it's hot but tastes like practically nothing. I am a fan of bland liquids.
Current TV Show:
I am so desperately in love with New Girl. Each week I am cracking up. This show is so fresh. It's hilarious.
Current Worry:
Mostly I worry about Bingley, all the time. Seriously. Like every day. It is pretty ridiculous. I worry that he's sick (he is constantly eating things he shouldn't). I worry that he misses Daisy and doesn't get enough socialization. Do dogs need to be socialized? Is that a thing? I worry that he spends too much time alone. Worry. Worry. Worry.
Current Location:
I'm going to say the SPU library because I basically live there.
Current Movie:
Thanks to Netflix I finally saw Pitch Perfect. I'm not gonna lie, I avoided this movie because my inner voice told me it would be incredibly stupid. But I'm gonna have to admit that my inner voice was a dirty liar and I LOVED IT!
Current Food:
Mulleady's Mac n' Cheese.
Current Obsession:
Babies. All of my friends are having tiny little nuggets of cuteness. I am obsessed. I love all the pictures they post and when I need a real life baby snuggle I can go visit the Ballast's and get some Sadie snuggles. Seriously what is it about that baby smell? It is like crack.
Current Book:
I mean, I could list all the books I have to read for school... other than that I don't really have time to read, which is sad and awful. Let's not talk about it.
Current Fashion:
Scarves! I am delighting in scarves.
Current Thankfulness:
I am profoundly thankful for the community I am building in Seattle. I cannot even begin to think of what my life would look like without them. They push me to be better. They love me when I fall short. They are truly God's gift to me.
Current Music:
I'm about to type something I never, ever thought I would: TAYLOR SWIFT IS AMAZING. Usually I can't stand Tay-Sway, but I am super digging her new album Red.
Current Wishlist:
To be debt free, but I have a feeling I'll be wishing for that for a long, long time.
Currents: February 2013
Current Drink:
I've been digging the green tea recently. Mostly because it's hot but tastes like practically nothing. I am a fan of bland liquids.
Current TV Show:
I am so desperately in love with New Girl. Each week I am cracking up. This show is so fresh. It's hilarious.
Current Worry:
Mostly I worry about Bingley, all the time. Seriously. Like every day. It is pretty ridiculous. I worry that he's sick (he is constantly eating things he shouldn't). I worry that he misses Daisy and doesn't get enough socialization. Do dogs need to be socialized? Is that a thing? I worry that he spends too much time alone. Worry. Worry. Worry.
Current Location:
I'm going to say the SPU library because I basically live there.
Current Movie:
Thanks to Netflix I finally saw Pitch Perfect. I'm not gonna lie, I avoided this movie because my inner voice told me it would be incredibly stupid. But I'm gonna have to admit that my inner voice was a dirty liar and I LOVED IT!
Current Food:
Mulleady's Mac n' Cheese.
Current Obsession:
Babies. All of my friends are having tiny little nuggets of cuteness. I am obsessed. I love all the pictures they post and when I need a real life baby snuggle I can go visit the Ballast's and get some Sadie snuggles. Seriously what is it about that baby smell? It is like crack.
Current Book:
I mean, I could list all the books I have to read for school... other than that I don't really have time to read, which is sad and awful. Let's not talk about it.
Current Fashion:
Scarves! I am delighting in scarves.
Current Thankfulness:
I am profoundly thankful for the community I am building in Seattle. I cannot even begin to think of what my life would look like without them. They push me to be better. They love me when I fall short. They are truly God's gift to me.
Current Music:
I'm about to type something I never, ever thought I would: TAYLOR SWIFT IS AMAZING. Usually I can't stand Tay-Sway, but I am super digging her new album Red.
Current Wishlist:
To be debt free, but I have a feeling I'll be wishing for that for a long, long time.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
an open letter...
dear nate:
i've been thinking about you a lot this week. my kiddos are headed your way for winter camp this weekend and since its the last weekend of jr. high winter camp it's their last weekend with you. i've been trying to come up with a way to explain how much you have meant to me and my students. but since i don't have a million dollars and can't send you bon jovi as a singing telegram... this letter will just have to do.
my first summer as the youth director at RLC i was at the end of my rope. ministry, as it turns out, was harder than i had anticipated. i felt like i had spent nine months waging battle. my program was teeny tiny and my students didn't seem to be listening to me. frankly, i wasn't listening to me. on the drive up to camp i remember thinking, "this week is my hail mary and if we don't score a touchdown i have no idea what is left to do, except maybe pack it in." i felt alone. i felt exhausted. but more than anything i felt God's silence. but something wonderful happened to me that week and that something wonderful was you.
when we sat in folding chairs on the first evening and you spoke about your heart for the week, your heart for students, and your heart for us leaders something profound happened in my spirit. i realized that i wasn't in it alone. the relief i felt in that moment can't be described. and you spent the rest of the week making sure i wasn't in it alone. nate, i hope you hear this from the very depth of your soul: you were Christ's hands and feet for me that week. your enthusiasm reminded me that i had joy left to give. your deep love for God showed me that i didn't have to have all the answers to love my students. the way you led your staff taught me how to lead mine. i am utterly and profoundly grateful to you for those things.
i want you to know that you have left a mark on forest home. that place is better because you were there. you left your mark on your staff, those college kids you mentored are better because of you. you left your mark on the students that interacted with you, they are better because of you. and you left your mark on the leaders, we are all better because of you. your willingness to serve- your "yes" to God's call has made a difference.
so to conclude this very long letter i just want to say thank you. i want to thank you for helping to usher people into the throne room of the Lord our God. i want to thank you for being a man of integrity and grace and love. i want to thank you and i want you to know that God used you to change the world.
i wish i could be there this weekend and say all this to you in person. but the interwebs will have to do.
i'm praying for you and your family as you seek God's will for the future.
thank you, thank you, thank you (did i cover that enough?)
chelsea
i've been thinking about you a lot this week. my kiddos are headed your way for winter camp this weekend and since its the last weekend of jr. high winter camp it's their last weekend with you. i've been trying to come up with a way to explain how much you have meant to me and my students. but since i don't have a million dollars and can't send you bon jovi as a singing telegram... this letter will just have to do.
my first summer as the youth director at RLC i was at the end of my rope. ministry, as it turns out, was harder than i had anticipated. i felt like i had spent nine months waging battle. my program was teeny tiny and my students didn't seem to be listening to me. frankly, i wasn't listening to me. on the drive up to camp i remember thinking, "this week is my hail mary and if we don't score a touchdown i have no idea what is left to do, except maybe pack it in." i felt alone. i felt exhausted. but more than anything i felt God's silence. but something wonderful happened to me that week and that something wonderful was you.
when we sat in folding chairs on the first evening and you spoke about your heart for the week, your heart for students, and your heart for us leaders something profound happened in my spirit. i realized that i wasn't in it alone. the relief i felt in that moment can't be described. and you spent the rest of the week making sure i wasn't in it alone. nate, i hope you hear this from the very depth of your soul: you were Christ's hands and feet for me that week. your enthusiasm reminded me that i had joy left to give. your deep love for God showed me that i didn't have to have all the answers to love my students. the way you led your staff taught me how to lead mine. i am utterly and profoundly grateful to you for those things.
i want you to know that you have left a mark on forest home. that place is better because you were there. you left your mark on your staff, those college kids you mentored are better because of you. you left your mark on the students that interacted with you, they are better because of you. and you left your mark on the leaders, we are all better because of you. your willingness to serve- your "yes" to God's call has made a difference.
so to conclude this very long letter i just want to say thank you. i want to thank you for helping to usher people into the throne room of the Lord our God. i want to thank you for being a man of integrity and grace and love. i want to thank you and i want you to know that God used you to change the world.
i wish i could be there this weekend and say all this to you in person. but the interwebs will have to do.
i'm praying for you and your family as you seek God's will for the future.
thank you, thank you, thank you (did i cover that enough?)
chelsea
Thursday, January 24, 2013
people need people...
today i was thinking about all the people God used to make me, me. it is a very long list. i was thinking about how there were so many people willing to pour out their lives into mine. it took a very large village to raise me. family and friends and youth leaders who were patient and loving and there when i needed them. uncle jody taught me how to tell a joke, oliver taught me what it means to stick around, lori hall gave me a passion for cooking, dani helped me see the world. i can go on and on. i needed them.
my hope is that in some small way i took those lessons and poured them into someone else. because i realize we were created for exactly two things. God took dust and breathed His breath of life upon it so that we could be loved and so that we could love.
are you loving someone? are you walking next to them no matter where the path is leading? i hope so. are you letting someone love you? are you willing to open up and let go long enough to be loved? i hope so. that's all there is.
my hope is that in some small way i took those lessons and poured them into someone else. because i realize we were created for exactly two things. God took dust and breathed His breath of life upon it so that we could be loved and so that we could love.
are you loving someone? are you walking next to them no matter where the path is leading? i hope so. are you letting someone love you? are you willing to open up and let go long enough to be loved? i hope so. that's all there is.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Leaning Into It...
seattle is good for me. there is something in the air that whispers in my ear and settles in my heart. i'm happy. no, 'happy' isn't the right word. i'm content. i'm fulfilled at school and i'm getting involved in a great church. i get to see old friends that i missed so very deeply and i'm making new friends. things are probably as good as they could possibly be.
but even though things are great i still spend a lot of time thinking about the "could be's". i find myself daydreaming about all the little things my heart desires. i spend a lot of time daydreaming about the big things too. i dream about wedding bells and babies. i dream about being debt free (no lie this is a big one! i had a dream the other night that i went to pay on my student loan and there was no more balance. best. dream. ever.). i dream about silly things like long hair without the wait and a bigger kitchen. i also dream about the big things, like the smell of an african rainstorm and the feeling of a tiny little hand in mine. i allow myself the room to live in the "could be" space.
i think that my daydreams are there for a reason. i think they give me hope when i've just about run out. i think they help me find out what my soul longs for. my daydreams have led me all over the world. so i like to lean into them.
we're becoming a world that doesn't dream anymore. there's too many reasons not to. there's school shootings and fiscal cliffs. when we live in the clutter of the practical there's no room for the impractical. that makes me so sad. are we done telling kids to "dream big"? i hope not. are we done with "could be's", "maybe's", and "hope for's"?
my dreams have taken me around the world. they've given me the courage to believe that the God of the universe wants to use me. my dreams have comforted me when the world around me has been cold and unforgiving. i know that not all my dreams will come true and i know that i can't spend all my time in the soft embrace of "could be". but i won't give them up. i won't lay them down. i'm going to lean into them and trust that the closer to God i get, the more my daydreams start to look like His.
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