when you least expect it...

isn't it crazy to think of how God speaks to us just when we least expect it. i can't imagine that moses could see the burning bush coming, and yet, there it was- BOOM! well tonight God hit me with a bit of that fire.

tonight i visited a church plant that my friends matt and jenny are working with. the first thing i noticed was how small it all was- small room, small group of people, small (but beautiful) cross. everything felt small and then worship began. from the very first chord i felt the room grow. my God doesn't fit inside small and He transformed a small space into a cathedral. i felt His presence so powerfully there. when the service was over i couldn't help but think that matt and jenny are laboring towards something so powerful. their little church is changing the world and there's nothing small about that.

i went home after church, but God wasn't done talking to me. i got a phone call tonight from four of my favorite people: mr. ben burton, ms. anna nicles, ms. bethany brown, and ms. avalon ragone. for those of you who don't know these fantastic four are students of mine and they are the best. they are passionate and smart. they light up rooms with their smiles and humor. these students are constantly teaching me what it means to really believe that God moves mountains. they may only be high school students, but they are also warriors for God. anyway, gushing about them has gotten me off track. they called because they want to go to D.C. to participate in the demonstration that Invisible Children is organizing.

whatever your thoughts on IC, i want you to pause a minute, because where they want to go isn't actually what i want to write about. i want to write about their hearts. these four high school students live across the world from the child soldiers in africa. they've never been to uganda. they don't have to care. but they do. they care, not because of a fad or because a celebrity told them to. my students care because God gave them hearts that beat in time with His. they care because they don't want to live in a world where anyone can abuse children. so i got an excited phone call. they're brainstorming ideas of how to raise money to get to D.C. and it was during that phone call that i remembered my God doesn't do small.

i believe with every fiber of who i am that these students of mine will change the world. one day you are going to read in history books about ben and anna and bethany and avalon. their passion is going to draw the sleepers and the dreamers to the throne room of the King. i for one, can't wait for that day. i also feel so honored to get to play a tiny role in their story.

if you would like to play a role in their story too you can contact ben, anna, bethany, or avalon on their facebook pages. they are raising money and every little bit helps! let's get these kids to D.C. let them chase their passion and see where it takes them!

small moments, big blessings...

i'm laying in bed right now, the darkness is thrown around my shoulders like a warm blanket, and bingley is snuggled up next to me snoring away his dreams. and as i write, as i think and process, and put thought to form, i am overwhelmed by the place i'm in. the last few months of my life have been so unexpected that i'm not sure i can even pluck words out and place them together in a way that makes sense. so, as with all my blog posts, i'm just going to write- no grammar, no spell check, just letting my mind run rampant and my fingers click-click-click away. if you want to wade into this mess, that is up to you.

i had expectations for seminary. i expected to learn a lot and have a lot of homework. i expected to make new friends, and have to buy a winter coat. i knew that there would be a lot of change and i knew that i would not walk out of this program the same woman i was when i walked in.

and yet, even with all that preparation and forethought, i was still totally unprepared for seminary. the following is an unorganized, not well thought out, verbal upchuck of all the things that have surprised me. hopefully for those of you who are looking to this blog as some sort of update, it will serve to give you the faintest taste of my new seattle life...

i was unprepared for the crazy, swing of emotions that i would feel. one minute i am feeling excited, hopeful, competent. the next second i'm devastated, sad, insecure. i was unprepared for the sheer amount of work i'd have. i am shocked that i have time for anything but being haunched over a desk in the library. who knew that professors would want to cram centuries of thoughts and works and ideas into our brains in a smattering of weeks? and if anybody knew that was going to happen, why didn't they inform me (i'm looking at you amy klug)?? i've been unprepared for all the sun and warmth and light. thanks God for the beautiful summer with which to ease me into seattle living. i'm shocked by how easily Bingley has transitioned. he is one furry little trooper. i was unprepared for how empty my wallet would feel. i had forgotten how expensive learning can be. also it is ridiculous what seattle charges for an avocado. looks like i'm going to have to say good-bye to those till Christmas break.

the last little surprise has come to me in the shape of 20 unique men and women. they are the brothers and sisters that i am traveling through SPU with. they are my fellow wanderers and they are my soft place to land. i am in awe that i only met them a couple months ago. i have come to count on their support and prayers and wisdom. through each one i get to see a new side of our Heavenly Father. i laugh with them. i study with them. i cry with them. i make ridiculous youtube videos with them. they are there for each of the small moments. they are the biggest blessing.

blink and you'll miss it...

i've been waiting to write this post because i wasn't quite sure what i wanted to say. my heart is bursting full and i just want to crack it open and spill it out on the page. unfortunately, my doctor doesn't recommend that, so i'm left to try and find words instead- buckle up... 

in my life there have been moments when i knew i was getting a glimpse of heaven. they don't happen very often, but every once and a while God pulls back the curtain and gives me a teeny tiny taste of forever. i'm always left with such a sweet flavor on my lips. last week was one of those moments for me. who knew that when i was packing for summer camp, i was actually packing for a week firmly in the embrace of my Abba. 

i knew this was going to be a special camp for me because it's the last one. it was my last week with my wonderful, messy, loud, over-enthusiastic, compassionate, little monsters. as the bus pulled into the parking lot i flashed back to three years earlier when i took my first group of students to camp. i thought about how we had 6 kids with us and how they had no idea what they were in for. this year we had a little over 30 kids and they couldn't wait to get started. 

forest home gets it right every year. but man, this year they were firing on all cylinders. every inch of camp was wonderful. let it be known that God was in all of it. He was in the cheers during the games. He smiled with pride as the students dispersed into quiet time. Our Savior radiated his pleasure during worship and the talks. the things that make up the week are always great, but they aren't why i take my students there. we drag our sleeping bags up to forest home because of the rafik's and the vicki's and the nate's and the andrew's. we fund raise so that we can put our kids in the same room as the joel's and the ashley's and the mallory's. we answer many parent questions and make sure we have all our medical forms because it is absolutely necessary that our students get to meet the aaron's and syd's. 

i was acutely aware that this was going to be my swan song. in part because my students wouldn't let me forget it. their favorite game of the week was "make chelsea cry"- which is sweet if you know them. and each day i woke up counting down our last moments together. my biggest fear was that in my time at RLC i made only an earthly impact. my biggest worry was that my kiddos never really met Jesus. because without Jesus i might as well just be working for an after school program. and each morning i would drag myself up to counselor coffee and wonder if the beautiful faces still asleep in their bunks were dreaming of the only thing that really matters. 

the last day of camp we had church debrief and i got to listen to my campers share about their week. i sat there dumbfounded as they described feeling the holy spirit for the first time or as they talked about the questions they asked God during quiet time. i just sat there, tears rolling down my face as they expressed the love that was growing in their hearts for God and it was in those moments that i knew i had done what God sent me to RLC to do: i got out of the way and let Him love my students. when it was my turn i only had the words to thank them- my students, here are some of the things i said:

thank you for teaching me to be brave. thank you for teaching me to love fiercely and without condition. you have shown me what it means to believe in miracles. it is because of you that i learned what a real belly laugh is. you have taught me that sometimes it is more important to do doughnuts in the church parking lot while blasting justin beiber than it is to have bible study. you made me stronger, tenacious, free and helped me loosen up. you shine so brightly and i know you're going to change the world. so thank you for teaching me so much more than i ever taught you.

i wish i could have had "leader debrief" so that i could have said some important things to the other group of people i love so much. but since "leader debrief" doesn't exist, here are my last thank you's to the "grown-ups" (notice that is in quotes) who walked with me last week. so listen up peter and creekside staff because this is aimed at you:

thank you for your patience. thank you for loving my students, even when they make that incredibly hard to do. thank you for teaching me you don't always need a plan. you have taught me what it means to lead. you have taught me how to live my life gracefully. you have shown me that i can walk the tightrope between 'friend' and 'leader'. you have kept my secrets and shared my giggles. but more than anything you helped me carry a weight. you have let me lean on you when i am about to fall over. i am so full of love for you. i am overflowing with thankfulness for the blessing you all are in my life. 

so this chapter of my life ends. as of july 29th i will no longer be the student ministries director at resurrection lutheran church. it was a chapter full of twists and turns, tears and fears. i can't imagine the next chapter being nearly as great. but i turn to it with anticipation. stay tuned...

cha-cha-changes...

i'm not quite sure where to start here and so bear with me if this blog veers wildly off course. if i was asked to describe myself in just a handful of words among the obvious choices (brilliant, beautiful, mother theresa-esque...) i would say "adventerous". and a lot of people would agree with that. i mean i've been to africa for pete's sake! surely i am a thrill seeker- someone who throws caution to the wind and just jumps into the giant abyss of the unknown. however, these past few weeks i've learned that in fact, i hate adventure. i. hate. it. because adventure is the passionate lover of change and those two bastards won't be satisfied until i'm dead.

i am about to take this giant leap and i'm terrified. i'm scared that i'm making a mistake. i'm scared that i'll hate it or mess my life up somehow. probably more than anything else i'm scared that it won't live up to the expectations that i've built.

and as i think back to each of the "adventerous" decisions i've made in my life, i realize that i didn't really make them. if it had been up to me i would have stayed completely stationary. i would have kept my feet on solid ground and left the flying up to the professionals. but here's a truth i know: God wants us to feel the wind in our hair. thankfully my God hasn't let me stay on the ground for too long. at just the right moments He pushes my arms upward. He lifts my eyes to the clouds and He tosses me off the biggest cliff He can find. and in moments of flight i can't help but think about how lucky i am to be soaring.

so even though there's still a brass band pounding away on my insides, even though at night it sometimes takes me hours to fall asleep because i'm listing potential horrible outcomes in my mind, and even though every time i think about leaving my students and my family i start to cry. even though the mountains are crumbling into the sea and the sky is on fire, i am going to fly. i am going to let myself be carried by the breeze. i am going to trust my God. He hasn't let me down yet.

Finding Mr. Bingley...

so today i did my favorite morning activity: i logged into my computer and scoped out my friend maryann's blog. it is my favorite place. while there i find humor, honesty, sorrow, joy, hope, and best of all: OZ! oz is maryann's cat. i hate cats and i have never met oz but somehow deep in my soul, i know that oz and i would be friends. anyway she had posted the story of how she came to bring oz home. i loved it. so, because i steal all my best blog ideas from maryann, here's the story of how mr. bingley came into my life, heart, and how he's changed everything.

i'd been wanting a dog since i was in college. well, that's not true. i'd been wanting the idea of a dog. i liked the idea of walking with a cute little furry guy. i liked the idea of bumping into fellow dog owners around town and talking about our dogs. i liked the idea of turning my life into a reese witherspoon movie when my dog wrapped his leash around the legs of a handsome stranger. i'd even picked a name for my not yet real pup: MR. BINGLEY (he's the real prize in pride and prejudice)! all these things sounded great, but the reality of picking up poop, spending tons of money, and having to basically find a baby-sitter if i wanted to leave the house for longer than 4 hours did not sound wonderful. so i put my pet ownership ideas aside.

a few years later i was living with my parents and my life felt so without color. i felt sad most of the time and couldn't quite place why. i barely saw my friends. i felt stuck. one night i was hanging out with my friends kevin and colleen and i was meeting their brand new puppy, zoey. she was so sweet and little. they told me they'd adopted her and her brother was still without a home. kevin told me that they hadn't been able to decide between her and her brother and showed me this picture of the dog that had been left behind.

i wanted him. but i lived with my parents and they had a dog and they had been very clear that if i wanted a pet it would have to be under another roof. but i thought i would try anyway. so i called my mom and kevin (who is much better at convincing my mom to do what i want her to do) started texting her. but she remained unmoved. there was no way she was giving it. i had heard that tone in her voice before. she meant business.

the next morning i went downstairs and my mom was sitting at the breakfast table. as i sat down to have a bowl of cereal, she told me that she had changed her mind and i could get the puppy. my first thought was that she had been taken over by body snatchers, but i didn't really care because the body snatchers were on my side. i sent an email to the founder of the puppy adoption organization and claimed mr. bingley (at the time named "skully") as my own. about a week later i drove to north torrance and picked up the tiniest little ball of fur i had ever met.

this was our first moment together



i can't really describe what having this little man has meant to me. partly because i don't want to be that person. you know, the one who talks about their pets like they're people. the person who you think is pathetic because they love their animals so much. my head knows that bingley is just a dog. but my heart, my heart believes something completely different. my heart knows that mr. bingley saved me. this year was a hard one for me. there's been a lot of change. there's been a lot of things that have left me wanting to hide under my blankets and never come out. but this dog makes me laugh. he snuggles up to me while i watch trashy tv. he loves me unconditionally and he needs me. he relys on me. he trusts me. he also steals my socks, chews up my shoes, pees in the house, and eats the electric cord of my very expensive hair straightener. but he's all mine and i'm all his.

he's gotten a lot bigger since i brought his 2 lbs of fur home. he now weighs in at around 30 lbs. but he's just as cute as he was on that first day. do you want to know what changed my mom's mind? of course you do, it's the best mystery in this post. she said during her quiet time that morning as she was praying, God told her to let me have the dog. as always my Abba knew exactly what i needed and made sure i got it. ok, enjoy these gratuitous pictures of bingley...

with the wind at my back...

i've been saving this post. i didn't want to publish it until i'd had a chance to tell my students that i was moving and i didn't want to publish it until i'd had a chance to really think about what i want to say. well both of those things have happened and so now i get to dive in! the following is specifically for the 6th-12th graders who have changed my whole life...

to my crazy little monsters who i love so much:
i'm not sure you know how much you mean to me and i want to take this chance to tell you. because you should know. you should know that you took my life and turned it upside down. you should know that my faith and my heart will never be the same because of you.
here's what you've taught me...
you've taught me to believe in miracles. i thought i already knew that one, but i had let my cynicism and fear slowly wipe it away. but here you are, believing. you've reminded me that there is no mountain too big. you've shown me that 12 teenagers can raise $14,000 or that with prayer all our hurts can be healed. you've shown me that when we believe, when we really believe, we can move mountains.
you have reminded me to laugh and not a polite giggle- but a loud "head-thrown-back" belly laugh. when i am with you i lose track of time, i forget to be sad or annoyed or angry. we laugh till our sides ache. we laugh till we're out of breath. we laugh at the crazy things you do. you drag joy into every crack of that youth room. there is nothing i love more than listening to you tell me about your day and laughing at your stories. you remind me that our God wants us to hold tightly to hope.
you've shown me to welcome everyone. i am so impressed with how you open your hearts and your arms to others. you do your best to be a group that welcomes everyone. you are a safe place. you've made our youth group a safe place. i love watching you at camp as you run to the forest home staff and show them how happy you are to be there. i love watching as you bring your friends to events. i love hearing you stick up for each other. thank you for teaching me that everyone deserves a place that they are seen.
You have taught me not to be ashamed of the gospel. you proclaim loudly, that you love Jesus! you bring friends to church, even friends who may not want to be there. you talk about the bible and prayer and your relationship with our Savior. you love God with all that you are and that is a light that shines so brightly.
i want you to know this: no matter how far apart we are, i hold you in my heart. there is no distance that will make me forget you. there aren't enough miles in our galaxy to separate you from my prayers and my love. you are seen. you are heard. you are loved. you are loved. you are loved. seattle is a long way away, but our hearts are tied together and there is nothing that can untangle that knot!
love always and forever,
chelsea

breathe in, breathe out, repeat...

this beautiful, crisp sunday morning i am meditating on this scripture and reminding myself that my God is in control. He is big enough for all my fear and worry and He is directing my path.

1 John 3:18-21
the message

"My dear children, let's not just talk about love, let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him."

wednesday's joy moment...

there are some days when i am overwhelmed by the belssings God has given me. there is so much i have to be grateful for. and i am realizing that i don't talk often enough of the great things in my life. so... today i am going to spend this blog just writing about one blessing. my prayer is that as you read this it will remind you of the joy in your own life.


so today i want to reflect on the blessing it is to work with my kiddos. i am often surprised by how much joy my job brings me. my students are thoughtful, caring, compassionate, hilarious, and have such strength. they work hard. the believe they can change the world. they love God. they love each other. they laugh and scream and shout and sing.

some of my favorite moments with them have been watching them worship. they worship God like He's standing right in front of them. that's amazing. i know adults who don't worship that way. it took me years to feel comfortable enough to worship like that. but that's who they are. they throw their hands in the air, they clap- even if it's off beat and no one else is clapping. they smile up at the sky and whisper their love to our GOD. it is sacred to watch them worship.

i also can't get enough of their stories. they can talk for days about an adventure they had or something funny that happened at school. i love it that they pour into the youth room on thursday night bursting to tell me about their day. i love that for them, i am a safe place. i love that they want to talk and share.

these students are my everything. they are the best part of my week. they challenge me and push me and drive me up a wall. but i am so, so, so, incredibly blessed to know them.

i love all of you so much! that never changes! no matter where you go or what you do, i want you to know that my love follows you.

bent- not broken...

this week God spoke to me in the most unlikely of places- which is so like Him. i'm always surprised by how surprised i am when i hear God's heart in a place seemingly devoid of Him. because let's be honest, God is everywhere, and no where is too far to His voice.

anyway, this week i watched a new nbc pilot called "bent". it's a typical sitcom and seemingly extremely dumb. but i love amanda peet (one of the stars) and thought i'd give the first episode a try. besides lately, all i've wanted to do is hide away from the world behind that glowing tv of mine. life has been a bit too harsh, reality slightly too jarring and i've been looking to escape. of course i should have known that there's no escaping my Abba, and even if there was, why would i want to???

there was a moment in the show when one of the characters was explaining a recent string of bad luck and he said, "i may be bent, but i'm not broken."

bent- not broken.

i have to say that i'm a little shocked at how much those words spoke to me. it's the perfect description of exactly how i feel. and i know that no matter what happens around me, no matter how much sorrow and pain and confusion and fear that comes my way, my God is bigger. my God is greater. my God is higher than any other.

bent. not broken.

paper hearts and chocolate...

usually i am one of those annoying girls who pretends to hate valentines day but secretly loves it and is just in a horrible mood because she doesn't have a valentine. but today i woke up with a great relization. today is a day we celebrate love and there are lots of people that i love and that love me back. HENCE (yes, i did just scream "hence" at you) the following is a list (not at all comprehensible) of my valentines. please to enjoy.

the thought i'm having today...

"who hasn't at some point been seduced by a map? maps are like mirrors in the room of your mind, expanding to the very edges of the globe."

my boys...

this past weekend i did what every good youth leader does: i took 18 kiddos up to forest home for some winter camp wonder. forest home is a place that holds special memories for me. my grandparents helped to build the very first tee-pee at indian village (a name that back then was great but today is a teensy bit racist). as a camper i attended forest home every summer and winter. once i was old enough i began to go as a counselor. when i go to forest home i really do feel like i am returning to the place where my faith first stretched it's legs. it's like i'm lucy and i'm going back to narnia (if you don't get that reference you are either one of my students or we aren't real friends).

usually i am so excited for camp. i pack days before and i can't sleep because i'm so amped to revisit those tall trees and milkshakes. but this year i've had so much on my plate, i was so tired, and just convinced that there wasn't anything left for God to teach me in the mountains. but yet again, God proved me wrong.

i have so many stories i want to share from this weekend. i'm sure there will be plenty of blogs about the adventures. but this time i want to tell you about one moment- one small, subtle, life affirming moment with my boys.

i've always been very comfortable in a roomful of boys. the noise, dirt, chaos, and smells don't bother me (usually). as a leader in youth ministry i have a special affection for those lopsided grins and inability to filter. throughout the years i have been collecting boys, the ones who i get to mother and laugh with and tell not to jump off bridges just because they think it will be "awesome" become mine. i get the immense privilege of loving them. but collecting boys is more painful than collecting baseball cards. as they grow up, often they decide that the God who is everything to me, isn't everything to them. they become logical and cynical and the joy of faith slowly slips away from them. there is nothing more devastating than seeing the boys who i've poured all i have into decide a relationship with God isn't everything to them. it makes me want to give up completely.

but this weekend God gave me a present. he helped to remind me why i continue to love and work and pray. one of my very special boys went with me as a counselor this year. patrick is one of my best boys. he is smart and sweet and funny. he has plenty of reasons not to open up his heart, but he doesn't let the circumstances of the world harden him. this weekend i had the joy of seeing him with my new boys. i watched as he poured himself into them. i watched as he laughed with them and told them stories and teased them. and that would have been enough. it would have been enough to remind me that this job i do is exactly what i was created for. but as usual, God had something so much bigger planned.

the last morning at forest home the band lets the kids pour into the aisles and onto the stage. they play worship songs like it's the last music anyone will ever hear. our church happened to be sitting in the front so i had a great view of the organized chaos. i was singing when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. patrick had brought up his cabin of boys to the front. they were standing in a little half circle with patrick behind them. all of them had their hands in the air and their heads thrown back, singing at the top of their lungs. and there was patrick, behind them with his arms around their shoulders. i watched as my old boy worshipped jesus with my new boys and my eyes filled with tears.

that small moment is why i put up with longs nights and church politics. that moment is why i let small minded and critical comments roll off my back. it's why i know no matter how much i mess up God is always turning my mistakes into His glory. watching a boy i discipled and loved and prayed for, love and disciple and pray for new boys is everything. it's everything.

catching up...

it has been much too long since i posted something. i'm not sure why i let so much time pass between blogs... i have had many thoughts since early november. i sat down at the computer so many times to write, but for whatever reason no words came. i have found some things are hard to articulate. even though i don't have an exactly coherent thought to hand you i've decided to blog anyway. so here's a teensy tiny update on what i've been thinking the last couple of months:

work:
i don't think it's possible to express in a sentence the emotions that my job brings me. in a single day i can feel rage, joy, sorrow, frustration, and hope. after the new year we started a jr. high and high school small group and i've been shocked by how amazing it has been. i've been going through an andy stanley book with them and i am so proud by how they've recieved it. we sit on tuesday nights and talk about the state of our hearts. is there anything better than that? i have to say for every aspect of my job that makes me want to rip my hair out, there is a greater ammount of love. the love i have for the students makes my heart feel like it's going to beat out of my chest. i love them, even when they're loud, emotional, annoying and rude. i love them when they're curious, kind, and graceful. mostly i love that they are going to grow into men and women who we write history books about.

bingley:
mr. bingley is the fuzziest little miracle ever to waltz into my life. caring for his little life has injected a freshness into mine. i will never again doubt the power a pet can have. he's still just a pup, which is what i remind myself when he eats one of my shoes, pees in petsmart, or nibbles my finger. best bingley story of the moment: he has a toy giraffe that i put in his crate when i first got him. he now can't sleep without it. i watch as he drags it all over the house. he lays his little head on it when he naps and if it isn't in his crate when he goes to sleep at night he will bark till i toss it in there. so cute.

me:
i've been going through a lot since thanksgiving. i've made some pretty giant decisions (decisions i'm not quite ready to share on the interwebs) and i've made some significant changes. i'm working hard on myself. over the holidays i realized that i have a tendancy to put my needs at the very bottom of the heap. i don't voice my thoughts or feelings for fear of offending someone. even simple things like caring for my body i let slip through my fingers. so i'm working at it. i'm trying to find balance. mostly i'm trying to live my life like Jesus led his. i fail regularly, but i'm feeling stronger because of the effort.

well that's it. like i promised, it's just a teeny tiny update. more to come, of course.

my year in review...

well kitty-cats:

it's that time once again; for some reason i just feel that my first blog of a new year, must include some sort of unpacking of the year before it. so please to enjoy, my year in review

the 3 best student moments of 2011:

- when ricky told me he was going to quit soccer because it was getting in the way of church

- when avalon said she wanted to live the life God had for her, not the life she has for her

- when vince, waffs, and ricky helped strangers unload their luggage at camp, wearing superhero costumes.

the 3 best family moments of 2011:

- when i got a sister-in-law

- when emery was born

- moving back in with my momma and dad

the 3 best friend moments of 2011:

- going on the cruise to mexico with rachel and the ladies

- patrick's wedding

- valentines dates with jenna

the 3 best God moments of 2011:

- summer camp with the kiddos

- catalyst

- preschool chapel

the 3 best chelsea moments of 2011:

- finally coming to grips with everything dr. palameno has been telling me for years and accepting the PCOS

- getting Bingley

- trusting myself