preacher's daughter...

WARNING: this is a long one. it takes me a while to get off my soap box... read at your own risk.

so a couple weeks ago i heard about this new reality show on lifetime. it's called: preacher's daughter and it follows three teenage girls and their families as they navigate what it means to be a preacher's daughter. i've seen a couple episodes and i feel like this show warrants some sort of response.

i wish i could say that hollywood has stretched and pulled at the truth and what's left is just a horrible exaggeration of the church. i wish i could say that i don't know girls or families or congregations like this. i wish i could say that across the board being a preacher's kid is every child's fantasy. i wish, i wish, i wish...

i want to be clear that i'm not claiming to be some parenting expert (i mean my only child has four legs, is covered in fur, and still chases his tail), but i am a "preacher's daughter" expert and the following are my two cents...

i completely understand the fear that these parents are gripped with. i know that it is a heavy weight to raise a child. you want them to be safe and loved and provided for. you want them to grow up to be men and women who stand for something- who contribute to society. when you are the head of a church there's extra weight added. you know that fair or not your child represents you. a congregation of people look to you to be their leader and the way they perceive your kid counts against you (or for you, depending on said kid). the pressure of that must be incredibly intense.

PREACHERS: there was a scene that i watched tonight: the daughter had put some pictures up on facebook that her parents deemed inappropriate, the three of them were arguing about it and then dad said this: "do you think that this behavior is the behavior a preacher's daughter should be showing? does this represent us well?"AHHHHHH!!!! i hate this sentence. i'm so glad i never heard these words come out of my parents' mouths. let me translate what that seventeen year old girl just heard her father say: "your behavior is unacceptable only because you make me look bad to my congregation and to little baby Jesus."it is completely fair to call your kid out on their stupid mistakes, my parents did it all the time. it is fair to monitor their facebook pages and want them to make good choices. you know what isn't fair?? it isn't fair to lay the weight of your church on your teenagers' shoulders! when you do that your kid will start to equate keeping up appearances with faith. suddenly they look at God as someone who is keeping track of their "good" and "bad" behavior. Mom's and Dad's (especially mom's and dad's who are in leadership positions at church): HEAR ME! your child is a beautiful and precious gift from God (this, i assume, you already know) so deal with them. listen to them. listen to their words and their actions. correct them when they are off course. hand our punishments and kisses and prayers. remember that they can't read your mind and they don't know you love them if you don't say it AND show it. be present. don't let cell phones and ipads, TV and internet wedge themselves between your family. have dinner together. be vulnerable and make your home a safe place for them to be vulnerable. NEVER and i mean never use the calling that God gave you as a way to manipulate your child. it won't give you the result you're looking for. i promise.

CONGREGATIONS: in the first episode of this show that i saw, one of the daughters and her friends were helping out a clothing drive at the church. they started goofing off and one of the elderly members of the congregation was displeased with their behavior. that sunday after services that member went to the pastor and voiced her "concerns". i believe she said something along the lines of: "pastor, i don't see how you can lead your church if you can't lead your family. i'll be praying for you all." UGH! ok people, listen up: your pastor is a human being. he or she has strengths and weaknesses. you can't possibly imagine what it feels like to have your family on display week in and week out. your comments are not helpful, they are judgmental. i happened to be blessed with a home church that loved my brother and i unconditionally. they forgave us when we made mistakes and encouraged us throughout our lives. of course i've had the odd experience with someone who felt that because i was the pastor's daughter they could say whatever they wanted to me, but mostly my experiences were beautiful ones. but i have friends who have completely walked away from the faith because of "helpful comments". let your pastors raise their children and support them the way they try to support you. please pray for them, but there's no need to throw that around as some sort of "holy ninja star".

PASTOR'S DAUGHTERS: oh, my sisters... where to begin with you? i guess i have this to say: don't let your relationship with God be dictated by the ways the church has hurt you. the church is just made up of people and those people sometimes mess up. it's not fair to put your churches on this pedestal and expect them to be perfect. remember that whether you asked for it or not you are being watched. that shouldn't make you feel pressured to be anyone other than who you are, but it does mean that you carry a responsibility. i want you to know that you are seen. i want you to know that your questions and doubts and fears are all ok. more than anything i want you to value yourself, not only as a child of your earthly father, but as a daughter of our Heavenly King. i don't want your churches to become prisons, rather they should be the places where you feel free. remember that even though at times it feels the needs of your church will always trump your needs, your parents love you. they love you so much. and maybe give your dad a break when he asks you to put on a sweater before church. you're right it shouldn't matter what you wear, but if it doesn't matter than why have the giant fight? just wear the sweater. give a little and trust that your parents will try to give a little too.

hide and seek...

when i was baby-sitting in high school my absolute favorite game to play with the kiddos was hide and seek. whoever invented hide and seek knew that no human being could keep a five year old entertained for five consecutive hours. at some point they'd need to sit in a bathtub, breathe, and hope said five year old took a few extra minutes to find them. i haven't played hide and seek in years, but recently i've picked it up again.

there's a gate that guards the entrance to my heart. it's tall and menacing. i've got really ugly trolls guarding said gate and a moat, just in case! no one gets further than i want them to. i've had the gate my whole life. i'm not sure what exactly prompted me to build it, but build i did and let me tell you, upkeep on a moat is not pretty.

but these past nine months that i've been living in seattle something really surprising has been happening: i've been taking down the gate. it's just a little at a time, a brick here, giving the trolls a vacation, things like that. last night i was talking with my class meeting (basically a small group my seminary places all students in) and i realized that the more i take apart my gate the more exposed i've been feeling. that nakedness has led me to hiding.

i've been hiding from my Abba. isn't that crazy? i've been avoiding church, been avoiding prayer, been avoiding the people in my life who help draw me closer to God. i'm not sure what i'm scared of. here i am, seminary student, cowering in a bathtub, hoping the God of the Universe takes a few extra minutes to find me (by the way, don't spend too much time dissecting that metaphor, it is not at all theologically sound).

here's the good news, actually here's the great news: that's ok!! we all hide from God. we all get scared and feel vulnerable. i think that when we have these seasons of bathtub cowering it's important to remember that they're just seasons. it's ok to give yourself a few extra minutes, but then stand up, get out of your hiding place and remind yourself that there's no where safer than Abba's embrace. i'm not sure i'm ready to come out of my hiding place quite yet, but i'm working on it. for right now, i'm content to know that eventually i'll be found and the gate will be all put away and what happens after that will be pure adventure.