the impact...

today is world AIDS day. today is the day when the world steps back and thinks about this disease that is wiping out a generation. this illness that has ravished a country that i love so much. it's the day when we think about the children that are without homes and parents, the sisters without brothers, the fathers without sons, the mothers without daughters. well at least it's supposed to be. i'm not sure that many people know about today. so i thought i would share a personal experience that i have and my hope is that as you read it you will see that you can make a difference. my hope is that you will be inspired towards change and that you will use your talents and your strengths to help.

i was fifteen the first time i really heard about AIDS. i had learned about the disease clinically in school before then. but it wasn't until the summer before my sophomore year of high school that i really saw what AIDS was- how it destroyed. i was on a mission trip in mexico. i was working with ywam and one night they showed us a video promoting their mercy ship program. during the presentation they told a story of this young girl. when they mercy ship arrived to her village they found that this five year old had never been held, she was ostracized from her community, she didn't know how to speak. she was totally and utterly alone because her mother had died of AIDS. i remember sitting on my fold-out chair with tears streaming down my face. i watched her little face and wanted to pack my bags and head to africa right then and there.

i think in some circles working in africa is considered to be fashionable. i think there are people who think about africa as a place they can go save or somewhere exotic where they can do some "good". it didn't feel that way for me. at fifteen years old, sitting in mexico, i wanted to go to africa- not because i thought i could help or because i thought it would be cool. watching that little girl, a world away, i realized that africa was where the missing piece of my heart was. the funny thing was i didn't even know the piece was missing till i saw that movie. but there it was: one five minute missions video and my whole life was changed.

it would be three years till my passport would have that very special stamp in it. and in those three years of waiting i remember that i gobbled up every piece of information i could get on AIDS. i cried through documentaries and wanted to throw up when i read about the stigma and assumptions made about those suffering. once i was in south africa i couldn't wait to do something. i remember wishing i had the gifts to find a cure. but when i walked into my first AIDS hospital and saw the beds shoved together and the patients- alone, hurting, a whisper of who they once were, i knew that there was nothing i could do.

so i just settled into the skin that God gave me and i sat down next to the first cot. i reached my hand out and held onto a stranger. i asked for his name and his story. i held a straw while he tried to drink. i cried as i watched him sleep. i just spent the day there.

i want to make something really clear: i didn't do anything. i am sure that man died. i am sure it was painful and scary and horrible. i'm positive he was alone. when i sat with him for that afternoon it didn't change that. and for a long time that day was counted among my most painful. for years after i would think of that day and just burst into utterly helpless tears. but as i have thought about it, i realized something important: i was making that day about me. i was thinking about how his death affected me, how watching his suffering made me feel. but that day wasn't about me.

AIDS is a big, scary disease. there is no cure. when you see it up close you see how it robs people of their life. even in a country where medicine is affordable and in supply AIDS sets your schedule and it dictates your freedom. there is nothing we can do until a cure is found. and even when that day comes it won't erase all the pain and devastation that came before it. but that doesn't mean you can't help. instead of making it about you- what you can give or how big the problem seems to you- just breathe. spend some time in prayer. come to our Father and ask Him what your role should and can be. love someone. love someone who has lost a family member or a friend. love someone who is currently dealing with AIDS. just be who God made you to be, that is more than enough.

turkey day...

This year for thanksgiving i cooked. it was so much fun and i must say my family was amazing. they let me run rampent in that kitchen. they were helpful and most of them (cough*cough tyler cough*cough) were able to sense when i needed a little space to focus.

there was a big difference in our holiday this year, though. this is the first major holiday we've had since tyler and rachel got engaged. the night before thanksgiving day i was sitting at my kitchen table with rachel and we were pouring over a new cookbook i have called sauces (more updates in the future about this book. it is amazing!). as we talked about the food i was struck by how grown up that moment was. when i was little i remember watching my mom and my aunt lisa do the same thing together. it seemed to me that sister-in-laws were the best. you always have a buddy but you don't have to share a room or clothes. and here i was with my very own. rachel is the best blessing and she is one of the things i'm most thankful for.

here's some pictures of the food. you'll notice that there aren't very many. it was hard to be the photographer and still make sure the food came out.

long time no blog...

i have been avoiding my blog. to be honest i have been avoiding my life (well, aspects of my life). recently i was visited my an old and cherished friend and he (as old and cherished friends often do) called me out on some of my... hmmm... i have no good word for this. let's use "habits". we sat at my kitchen table and he spoke with me about my natural inclination toward hiding and distrust. he talked (i cried) as he pried into what makes me so closed off. at the end of the conversation i just sort of wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.


there are a lot of people in my life who would consider themselves to be close friends of mine. but if i'm being really, painfully honest i would say that i don't trust many of them. i don't say that to be rude. i say it as an example of how easy it is for me to play a part. and i'd love to blame that on the pastor kid thing, but i just don't think that's the truth. my whole life i've felt like if i show who i really am then people will leave. people won't love. people will hurt. so i hold it all inside. thusly (i just love the use of "thusly" here) i've been avoiding my blog because for whatever reason i find myself totally able to be completely myself here.


but something has been happening this week: i'm not exactly sure what it is. i'm still the same uncertain, insecure, worry-wart of a girl that i've always been. but somewhere along the line this week i started to think that maybe, just maybe i don't have to be.


i've been reading brennan manning's book: the ragamuffin gospel and he writes something that just begs to be repeated:

"think about this with me. your Father God loves you as you are, not as you should be. He loves you beyond fidelity and infidelity, beyond worthiness and unworthiness. He loves you in the morning sun and the evening rain. He loves you equally in your state of grace and in your state of disgrace. He loves you withouth caution, regret, boundary, limit, breaking point. no matter what happens or what you do... He can't stop loving you!!"

When I read that I thought: "what if you believed that Chelsea? what if you trusted that no matter what happens God loved you?" it would change everything. what if we really truly believed that there was no where we could run from the love of our Father? and here's an even crazier thought...

WHAT IF WE LOVED OTHERS THAT WAY? wouldn't everything change if we loved ourselves less and others more. and i'm not just talking about the people we already love. i'm not counting our mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters or husbands or children. what if i loved a stranger or an enemy the way that Christ loves me?

right now it's just a jumble of thoughts. right now it's just a baby step; a whisper in the back of my head. but i think as i work so hard to be someone who is worthy of love i am finally beginning to get it. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.

some love from martha...

so my posts have been of the serious nature lately and i thought i'd change it up, just for fun. one of my favorite things i do with the youth group kiddos is cookie points. whenever they do something sweet or make me laugh or are helpful i give them cookie points. when they reach 100 cookie points i hand them martha stewart's cookie cookbook and let them choose the ones they'd like. cookie points not only keep the chaos to a dull roar but they also force me to attempt recipes i'd never go near (ask me about the disaster that was making fortune cookies). i thought i'd share a recent recipe with you. it was pretty simple and ricky loved his cookies so slam dunk!

Vanilla Malted Cookies

ingreidents

- 2 3/4 c flour

- 3/4 c plain malted milk powder

- 1 tsp baking powder

- 3/4 tsp salt

- 2 sticks (1 c) unsalted butter at room temp

- 3 ounces cream cheese at room temp

- 1 c sugar
- 1 vanilla bean, split and seeds scraped

- 1 egg

- 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

1. preheat the oven and mix the dry ingridents together.


2. Cream butter and cream cheese. Then add sugar, vanilla, vanilla bean, and egg. Slowly add in the dry ingriedents a bit at a time.

3. Transfer dough to a pastry bag (or you can use a gallon ziploc and snip the end of it) fitted with a large star tip. Pipe 2 1/2 inch stips on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

4. Bake until edges are golden brown (for me this was about 7 min). Transfer to wire racks to cool and enjoy!

a soft place to land...

the following post is some things i've been feeling for the last few weeks. it is not meant to spark a political, religious, or social debate. it is not meant to express a definitive school of thought. it is not here so that my readers and/or i can win an argument. if you have a problem with any of that this is not a post you should read.

i'm sure so many of you have heard about the recent teen suicides. by now celebrities and news outlets and newspapers have covered it almost too completely. so maybe you've heard the debate about what part bullying played in these suicides. maybe you've participated in the discussion about homosexuality or maybe you have thought about what conversations you could have with your kids or friends or teachers to help.

i didn't. i didn't have very many conversations. i didn't watch all the coverage. mostly, i spent last week crying. as someone who works closely with teens these stories devastated me. as someone who was bullied these stories haunt me. but mostly as someone who knows her Jesus is big enough to heal any wound these stories make me sad for the hope that could have been.

here's what i think: i think we hate too much. i think as a society we say, "you're too short. too fat. too stupid to belong." i think we look to rip apart that which makes us different. i think that we all feel broken and less than so when we have a chance to hide that pain and fling it on someone else we jump at it.

my whole life i have felt worthless. maybe that surprises some of you. i do a pretty good job of hiding how i really feel. since the 4th grade i have felt fat and ugly and unlovable. when i was growing up i heard a lot of grown ups say "it gets better" or "being a teenager isn't the end of the world you think it is". but those sentiments didn't hold me when i was in my room doing my best to fight the loneliness that was creeping its way into my heart. i was utterly convinced that because of how i looked and who i was i would never be loved or wanted. and more or less i've battled those thoughts since i was 10.

so when i heard about these kids who had flung themselves off bridges or hung themselves because of their own loneliness i just cried. if not for a handful of very important people and the grace of my God those stories could be mine. and i've thinking all week trying to figure out what i want to say about this. so here it is. it's not super profound but it comes from the very depth of who i am and it is as genuine and naked as i know how to be.

you are loved. you, who are reading this post. you are loved and you do not walk through this world alone. whether you believe me or not the God of the universe, the one who thought up the ocean and whispered the stars into being loves you. and His love is steady- lean into it. His love saved me when no one else and nothing else could. he takes you, gay or straight, black or white, fat or thin. he accepts you in all your varying states of brokenness. he holds you. he loves you. but just in case that feels a little too far away, i want you to know something else: i love you too. my heart may not be as big as His, but it is big enough for you. if you are reading this and you need a soft place to land here it is. if you need someone to talk to, here i am. you are valued and worthy and loved. that's all. pretty simple.

way beyond singing in the shower...

my parents think i have a problem and that problem has only one name: gLee! this past year it is my biggest obsession. this show speaks to so many parts of me: drama queen chelsea, theatre freak chelsea, lonely chelsea, happy chelsea, rock star chelsea, comedian chelsea. all the parts of me are happy.

and yes, sometimes its cheesy and the plots are often pretty predictable. but i think there's something to be said for a show that just makes you smile. when i watch gLee it's this small space in my life when i get to shut off all the noise in my head. i just enjoy it.

maybe this little bit of information is obvious... but... ever since i was 9 years old and the billon family took me to see beauty and the beast at the pantageous i have wanted to perform on stage. i see myself belting out songs from wicked all covered in green make-up. i can hear the laughter as i take my turn in barefoot in the park. broadway and i were meant to be together. it's just the way it always should have been. i never made it. well, i guess if we're being really honest i never tried to make it and that's it's own post. but for that 45 minutes when i watch gLee i feel like i'm there. i feel like ryan murphy had a secret window into my heart and made a show just for me.

if you don't watch gLee watch this and try not to smile. i dare you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k40iccZFWfw

The Final Book of THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY

SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT

ok i hope you were adequately warned. i'm not exactly sure where to start the process of unraveling my thoughts about this book. and so, i am going to begin with the basics.

Mockingjay was in my opinion the darkest book of the trilogy. it was technically written with the most focus and cohesion. it was amazing. i finished it in four hours. i told myself i wouldn't start it until the weekend when i knew i had time to go to the beach and lay in the sun and soak it in. HA! i couldn't fall asleep the day it came because i knew it was out on my kitchen table. so around 12pm i finally crawled out of bed and just gave into temptation. i'm sooooo glad that katniss didn't end up with stupid gale because i have hated his character from the beginning and he didn't grow on me in this book either. i cried when prim died, but not as hard as i had cried in book 2 when cinna died.

ok let's get into the real meat of this book...

suzanne collins writes of war and desperation and hopeless choices as if she has lived them. she reminds me of tim o'brien who's stories of vietnam always left me feeling enraged and full of sorrow and wanting to do something, anything to change our world. there is a moment on page 369 that i want to write about. the capitol has fallen and the new president has called a meeting with the only remaining hunger games champions to propose an idea...

"... 'What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power.'

All seven of us turn to her. 'What?' says Johanna.

'We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children,' says Coin...

'I vote no with Peeta,' Annie says. 'So would Finnick if he were here.'

'But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him,' Johanna reminds her.

'No,' says Beetee. 'It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point unity is essential for our survival. No.'

Was it like this then? Seventy-five years or so ago? Did a group of people sit around and cast their votes on initiating the Hunger Games? Was there dissent? Did someone make a case for mercy that was beaten down by the calls for the deaths of the districts' children? The scent of Snow's rose curls up in my nose, down into my throat, squeezing it tight with despair. All those people I loved, dead, and we are discussing the next Hunger Games in an attempt to avoid wasting life. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change now."

Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change now. those words have been haunting me since i read them. because when i think about the Lord, when i think of my Jesus who changed everything with one act of selflessness i know that every thing's changed. and if we are created in his image than i know that if we all tried to live our lives with grace and compassion and mercy than we could really change things.

we live in a world that teaches us life is complicated. war is about freedom and money and resources and power. and our government is empowering and oppressive and hopeless and exciting. there's so many grey areas. there's so many things to think about. and i know that no matter how badly i want to, there are aspects of our world set in stone. there are things that we can never change. but there's this fire in me to try.

we are searching for something that is right in front of us. LOVE GOD AND LOVE OTHERS. that means forgive even when you are owed righteous anger. it means give when you want to get. it means swallow your pride and your own needs and hold your hand out to someone who needs it. it means letting go of cynicism and embracing naivety.

as i was reading about this world that collins created i realized that this isn't a far off fantasy. this isn't a world we will never see. this is basically the world we live in now. true we're not quite to the point of watching children murder each other for food on national television. but honestly, i don't think we're as far from it as we'd like to believe. we live in a world full of taking and consuming and waste. and i live here too. i buy my toms shoes and feel good that a child somewhere in africa is getting their own pair. but i walk by the homeless man that sits in front of my apartment building who has no shoes. i feel superior because i live in a country that has running water and education available to all. i am prideful. i am weak. i love reality tv. and i think that so often when i feel prompted to do something about this darkness i feel in my life i'm quick to find "balance". i say to myself, "there's nothing wrong with the blessings God has given me. i shouldn't feel bad because i'm warm and well fed."

why shouldn't i? if i've learned anything from Jesus it's that he wasn't about balance. he asked his disciples to leave behind families. he told the rich young man to give up everything. he even took a small boy's loaves and fishes to feed the masses.

i guess at the end of this book i realized a couple things. one, i'm tired of the middle ground. two, i want to be radical and brave and i want to die knowing that i gave every ounce of myself to the Lord. i am one voice. i am one set of hands and one pair of feet. i'm one heart. and i'm ready to go. if you want to join me there's more than enough room.

the best part of my job...

i spent all last week at camp. the jr. highers and i trekked our way to forest home and we spent five glorious days hiking, swimming, crafting (yes, i'm using the term "crafting"), and just enjoying God's beautiful creation.

a lot of work goes into sending kiddos to camp. there's filling the spots, paperwork, medical forms, packing lists, finding drivers, and all sorts of other headaches. and sometimes i get caught up in doing those important tasks. the day before we left i wanted so badly to crawl under my bed and not come out. i thought, "seriously? could anything else go wrong? is camp really worth all this?"

as usual God reminded me that its always worth it. i watched my kiddos last week as they loved each other. i watched them open their hearts to God. I was lucky enough to lead one of our girlies to Christ. I was blessed to watch our kids wash each other's feet. we threw our hands in the air and sang at the top of our voices. we walked with God. of course it took a week away for me to remember the best part of my job: i get to help students fall in love with God. i get to show them the reason i get out of bed in the morning. i get to walk with them as they discover the amazing call God has for them. it's a joy. it's a privilage. so enjoy these pictures of my beautiful students from camp. it was a great week.

The Hunger Games...

last week one of my students suggested i read this book called: the hunger games. its the first in a series of three. the following is what's been floating around in my head since i read the first two (3rd one comes out on july 25th and i personally can't wait).

WARNING*SPOILERS AHEAD*

at some point in the future what used to be north america has split into 12 districts. the districts live in varying degrees of poverty. and they all wait anxiously for the annual "hunger games". there used to be 13 districts but then district 13 tried to revolt against the capitol because they were tired of living stripped of their freedom. to remind the rest of the districts what happens when someone tries to start a revolution the capitol came up with the games. each year, each district is forced to send 2 tributes to the capitol: one boy and one girl between the ages of 12 and 18. there they will compete in a battle to the death with the other tributes. the winner, wins food for their district.

this story grabbed me right from the beginning. i'm not going to go into the obvious reasons i loved this book. of course there was great plot, good characters and a love triangle that shows twilight for the soul sucker that it is. but that's just the frosting. i want to express here what grabbed my heart about this book. but bear with me because i'm not sure i quite know how to explain it.

there was this emotion that was bubbling under the surface but i couldn't name it until i was halfway through the second book: catching fire; ANGER. real, strong, surprising anger.

i've spent most of my life living in a world that lets me read what i want to read, or watch what i want to watch. i'm allowed to say what i want to. there's no one forcing me to marry or holding me back from being anything i want to be. and on an even more basic level there's always more than enough food on my table and a warm bed to climb into at night. this book created a world where those things don't exist. it spun a society where 12 year olds are turned into killers, fighting for the chance to feed their families. and even though its fiction, even though we read it and exclaim, "how awful, that would never happen here!" its happening somewhere.

i've seen enough of this planet we live on to know that not everyone lives as comfortably as i do. i've seen what real hunger looks like. i've smelled the desperation one has when trying to feed their families. i walked with women who were beaten down and trodden on. i've spoken with people who genuinely fear for their lives while they pray or sing or read. it happens. it is happening.

and what am i doing about it? the more i pages i read of this story the more i was reminded of this warrior that lives in me. this woman who would travel any distance and give up anything to love. but the warrior's been asleep for years now. i send money to causes i care about and am satisfied with my contribution. but that's not really fighting anything. it makes a dent, it helps, but it isn't a fight. it doesn't cost me anything.

i'm tired of reading about bombings and disease and racism and persecution and ignorance. i'm tired of watching teenagers on mtv complain about their sweet 16 party while teenagers in the congo are fighting for their lives. i don't want to trivialize hunger. i don't want to underestimate fear. i believe that the God who knit me together in my mother's womb knit together everyone else too. i believe that the inheritance that awaits me can be yours. i believe that my skin color, the country stamped on the front of my passport, the amount of money i have in my bank account don't mean that i'm better than anyone else. i want to show my children's children that i helped carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. because someone's got to carry it and i think the burden is lighter when we share.

the hunger games made me hungry. it made me hungry for change, for possibility. it made me hungry to see us treat each other with respect. i've got a few ideas about how to make that happen permeating around in my brain. i'll let you know when something concrete hits.

filling out the picture...

it was 2003 when i first became rachel thom's leader. she was in the very first small group i ever led and she was my very first "special project". which basically just means that she stole my heart from the beginning. rachel was stubborn, loud, silly, compassionate, sensitive, creative, and tenacious. so really its a wonder that she wasn't everybody's "special project".

In 2009 my family looked like this:

and although this family picture is amazing and has some of the best people in it. it's missing something... i think it's missing this face:

my brother agrees because last weekend he proposed and i couldn't be more thrilled. i'm finally getting to add to that picture. and in adding to family i think its important to have someone who loves God, someone who is courageous and smart and funny. i think you have to have someone who loves to play and doesn't mind getting their hands dirty. so it's lucky we get rachel, because she is all that and more.

daddy fix it...

when we're children nothing seems too impossible for mom and dad. as children we trust completely that every broken toy can be mended. we believe that a lost blankey will be found. and perhaps the phrase uttered the most is: 'fix it'. i'm not sure at what point i stopped saying that. but somewhere along the line my problems seemed too big for my mom and dad. as i grew up i didn't want them to know that i'd broken something or lost something.

for example my sophmore year of high school, the big trend was adias shoes. but not the regular black with white stripes. no, if you were really cool you had white ones and some sort of colored stripe. that's right baby! i remember begging and pleading to get a pair. i finally, finally wore mom down and she took me to the mall. i found the perfect pair. they were crisply white with berry colored stripes. no one i knew had berry and i was sure i'd be the envy of my class. monday morning i showed up with my new kicks, feeling good. when gym came i changed in the locker room and then left my shoes on the bench in front of my gym locker. i used to do that with my old sneakers every day and it was never a problem. but when i came back to change after gym my shoes were gone. i was devestated. but i never told a single person. i didn't want my mom to know that i'd left my shoes out.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately. this is what i do with God. when i was in YWAM i didn't think there was a single problem on the planet God couldn't fix. and even if i was embarassed to admit something, i didn't let that stop me from falling at his feet. i wanted Christ more than i wanted to be right. I wanted Christ more than I wanted self respect or pride or hurt or whatever. but somewhere along the line I've stopped saying, "fix it".

so today i'm trying to remember something important. today i'm trying to remember that my Abba can do big things. He can part the seas and move mountains and raise the dead. i'm not going to stop myself from reaching out for His help. He's big enough to fix it.

the pull...

one of my students asked me the other day why i care so much. she said something along the lines of: "chels you know you cry a lot, right? don't you think things would just be much easier if you didn't care quite so much? it probably would hurt a lot less when people disappointed you, if you didn't have any expectations for them."

now i firmly believe that a huge reason she was saying this was that we were in the middle of a discussion regarding my expectations for HER. so, probably if she wasn't getting a patented "chelsea-lecture" she wouldn't have said anything at all. but her point was well taken. she's right. so i started thinking about it. here's what i came up with:

i believe that God has created each of us in His image. i know that's a term that gets thrown around a lot, so let me tell you what i think it means. i think when God was busy painting the stars He was thinking about me. He was molding canyons and designing mocking birds. and He was also dreaming up His little girl: Chelsea Lee. Because God loves us so much, He wants to express that. in each of us He gives differently. if you read my blog then inevitably you've come across a post or two about the people i love and why i love them. i think those qualities are direct expressions of God's love for us.

when God was busy contemplating my qualities i think He knew He'd have to temper my pride, He'd need something that softened my tongue, and of course He knew that someday i would be hampered by my fear. So as He thought of those things, He came up with something to help pull me closer to Him and His will: my heart. God created me to love fiercely. its true that i care too much. and that caring often leads to heartbreak. when i think of the babies that i left in africa- i'm shattered. when i remember my friends who no longer walk with God i know i'm not whole. when i see someone broken and hurting and alone, all i want to do is hold them. i read the paper or see the news and i just want to get a giant microphone and scream, "stop hurting each other! stop competing and arguing. stop trying to put yourself first at someone's else's expense!"

all of those hurts are painful. my heart beats wildly for God's people and that means there are so many times when i feel let down. i know that my tears and my screams and my prayers are never enough, they will never be enough.

but if i'm honest (and i'm always honest on this blog) then i must say, i wouldn't have it any other way. i love to love. i love to know that when i am at my best my heart beats in time with God's. and that is an intimacy like no other.

here's what i've been up to lately...

who told you, you were naked?

REWIND video: Adam- Be Loved and Be Sick

watch this today!

creative juices...

during my time as an English major there were moments when we were asked to complete a "SreamofConciousness" writing. this was designed to help us clear out all the goop getting in the way of the creative process. and sometimes it managed to bring about a tidbit that would turn into a great story or character name or poem or something... well today i find myself unable to focus. my brain's all goopey. so i thought i'd try a SOC writing here. maybe it'll clear me out. the following is just what comes out for the next 20 minutes:

my brain hurts. i don't have a headache, more like an explosion. i think i store too much up there. trying, always trying to categorize and plan and hide and be strong. sometimes i think the greatest thing in the world would be to stand on a table in front of all my friends and family and just start revealing all the stuff i try so hard to hide. it would be glorious and at the same time the most horrible moment of my life. i wonder who would still love me after that? i wonder what people think about me. i mean obviously i can guess some of it. but i want to know what they really think. i want to know if they're as hard on me as i am. oh! you know what else i want? grapes. i want grapes so freaking bad right now. i really should remember to bring the lunch i pack when i go to work. i miss jr. year of college. it was so fun to walk back from class and have lunch with the girls. i think family dinners were the best then. i loved how before we moved into that old house we spent tons of time making plans for it and then we never followed through with any of those. brey and nicole were going to plant a garden in our backyard and patrick and i wanted to paint. we even went as far as to get paint chips. but we just left that old house as gross and falling down as it was when we got there. its so ironic to me that that's the place where our heat went out and shan and tracy had that invasion of ants and we had no dishwasher or even really a couch. but that was the place where i laughed the most and felt the safest and the most loved. that was a house that was full of purpose and joy and adventure. we just felt free to really LIVE there. and we didn't try so hard to hide. like when we got in a snowball fight with the guy's house and they were better at making snowballs so we started throwing old newspapers at them. i am literally laughing out loud right now. my toes are cold. i wonder if any kiddos are gonna show up to high school group tonight. i'm torn between wanting them to come and wanting to get some real catch up time with dylan. dylan's amazing. the absolute best. now i'm concerned the people that read my blog are going to think dylan's a boy and that i'm in love with 'him'. dylan's a girl. and i'm not in love with her- just for the record. do you think people realize the promises their making to God when they sing worship songs? i need to respond to haley ballast's blog post from yesterday. i have lots and lots of thoughts. ok my 20 minutes is almost over. which is good because i'm not really sure what else i want to write.... uh... i love Glee.

letting go...

once upon a time there lived a princess...

this is a great way to start a story, but i think its also a great way to massively screw with one's mind. i know, i know i'm not the first person to comment on how fairy tales teach girls all sorts of anti-feminist things. and perhaps what i'm about to say isn't an original thought... but it is a thought i've been having so bear with me.

in a fairy tale there's always a happy ending. a street urchin becomes a sultan, a frog turns into a prince, hansel and gretel find their way home. in the end all of the dragons fought and witches battled are worth it. but that's not real life. something God has been teaching me for the last few years is that sometimes the hard stuff is just hard. there isn't always a happy ending.

the past couple of weeks i have been praying about my future. i have been asking God a lot of "why's" and "when's". my whole life i have wanted only 3 things: 1. to be a wife, 2. to be a mom, and 3. to glorify God. that's it. that's all i want. and i would cut off my arm to get those things. i always assumed that God would want me to have those things too. I mean, they're not bad, right? those are awesome and wonderful things to want. but a couple weeks ago i was reading about Joesph; sold into slavery by his brothers, blamed for all sorts of things he didn't do, thrown in jail, forgotten, left, alone. and i think i naturally jump to the end of that story. i say to myself, "well yeah, but look where he ended up." but what if joesph only wanted 3 things? what if he just wanted to grow old with his family, what if he just wanted to be with his dad and his brothers and be accepted?

God had another plan for joesph. in fact so many of the great men and women of faith had to face other plans. this subject rips up my insides. i may seem so calm and well thought out while i write this, but trust me i'm not. the idea of saying, "God you are enough" terrifies me. but as i watch people in my life who say that i am inspired that maybe i can too. and i guess, if i'm honest the idea of never being a wife or never being a mom isn't as scary as the idea of not living a life that worships my Lord.

this is what's been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, i share it with you because... well, it's part of my process. feel free to give me feedback and i leave you with the question i hope to be able to answer someday with my whole being:

do i love God more than i love the happily ever after i've dreamed up?

just some fun...

i have some recomendations for those of you that value my opinion... for the rest of you, feel free to ignore this:

top 3 books i've read in the last month:
1. the hiding place- by corrie ten boom
2. when i don't desire god- by john piper
3. harry botter 7- by jk rowling (this was a re-read but still totally amazing)

best movie i've seen in the last month:
1. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (if you don't go see this movie you are going to die with regret)

top 5 songs that have been played OVER AND OVER in my car this month:
1. jolene- by dolly parton
2. open my eyes- by brandon heath
3. lean on me- cover by sheryl crow, kid rock, and keith urban
4. i didn't know my own strength- by whitney houston
5. heat- by asia

4 shows i'd cancel anything on anyone's tivo to make sure i got:
1. glee
2. ugly betty (but the sad news here is the last episode is airing on thurs, that doesn't mean you can't watch old episodes though)
3. in plain sight
4. the real housewives of new york (don't judge me)

1 website that is changing my life:
1. http://www.thegrilledcheesetruck.com/

life update...

here's what's going on with chelsea lee:

1. she's offically started paying on her student loans this month (groan!).
2. her youth group is going wonderfully although she really needs some boy volunteers (prayer please)!
3. she's been meeting about twice a month with colleen and that time has been full of tears, laughter, and good food.
4. her survivor fantasy team is down to 2 players (uh-oh).
5. she loves her actual apartment, but hates the building and her landlord and since she's now in a month-month situation if she finds something better she's going for it.
6. she joined twitter and goes back and forth between hating herself and making herself laugh.
7. she's pretty convinced that cupid spiked redondo's water supply because everybody and their brother is getting married; except her (sigh).
8. her friend tyler is moving soon and she's pretty bummed to be losing her bestie.
9. she put together a mirror and used a screwdriver and everything all by herself.
and the biggest news...
10. she's started writing a book and is looking for a friend or two to volunteer to be her unofffical editors and promise to be brutually honest.

30 Hour Famine...

when i began the process of preparing my church for '30 Hour Famine' i was consumed with "doing". there were literally 161 items on my '30 Hour Famine' TO DO list. over 3 months i was busy, busy, busy. and yes, there were moments when i stopped to think about the impact we could have or the ways that God could speak to us. but if i'm honest i very rarely thought about those things.

so friday, march 26th rolled around and i began fasting. i had talked the with students about fasting a lot. we'd talked about how it was a way we could find more intimacy with Christ. we'd had conversation after conversation about how God can be made strong in our weakness. but most of friday passed and i found myself simply 'not eating' and not really 'fasting'. then 6pm came. and in walked some of these faces:

they came hungry. they came energetic. they came armed with stories of how food had tempted them throughout the day but they stood strong. and a little piece of me began to remember why "30 Hour Famine" is powerful.

throughout friday night we played games and watched movies. as a leader i had planned a schedule that i hoped would inspire just as much as it instructed. i wanted the students to know uganda. short of actually going, i wanted them to be able to taste it. so i showed them some short films that invisible children produced. they were powerful stories. the students got caught up in them. after the games and videos we moved on to our craft. this is what the jr. highers have titled "tommy's blankey". they each decorated a quilt square and we're sending the quilt to the orphanage that jeff and amy got tommy from. the things the kids wrote were so beautiful and simply sweet. my favorite one was: "you live here (a picture of africa). i live here (a picture of the us). God loves us both (a picture of a heart)."

by the time saturday rolled around i was exhausted. my tummy ached, my head ached, and my energy level was definately way down. i walked into the church in the morning ready for "30 Hour Famine" to be over. and then the students started arriving. i could hear them talking with each other as i set some stuff up. here's a paraphrase of one of those conversations:

Ben- I am starving!

Dillon- No Ben, you aren't. The kids in Uganda are.

Ben- You know what I mean.

Dillon- Yeah, I know what you mean, but I don't think we should say we're starving anymore.

Ben- Yeah, maybe you're right. Hey, do you think this money is really gonna help any kids?

Dillon- I dunno. Maybe.

Ben- You know what would really help them?

Dillon- No, what?

Ben- If we went to Uganda and taught them to skate.

Dillon- Dude! Totally, let's do it.

Ben- Think Chelsea would take us?

Dillon- As long as it's ok with our moms why not? But we probably need a lot of money so we should start saving.

Ben- OK, I bet we can be ready by next month.

that conversation is why i do what i do. because a relationship with God is more than just loving God. it involves loving others too. these past 3 months i have seen my students slowly start to get it. the way they talk about tommy like he's their own little mascott of love. they way they ask me if God could drop some food on haiti. they are starting to put the pieces together on their own and its wonderful.

we ended "30 Hour Famine" with a handcraft. 25,000 people die each day because of hunger related issues. my kids made 2500 handprints and i told them each hand represented 10 people that died because they didn't have enough food. but i told them the hands represented something else too. each hand represented the effort and love with which they had entered the "30 Hour Famine". i told my students that with each hand they should remember they are changing the world. and they are. they really are.

i was beyond exhausted when i got home late saturday. but i had started the weekend with no thought of my Jesus and i ended the weekend completely safe in his embrace. completely sure of the cross. completely convinced that there isn't a single statistic on this planet that is stronger than my Lord. and as if those lessons weren't enough: i ended the weekend knowing that someday God's gonna have hold of my students' hearts the way He has mine.

hole in my heart...

Isaiah is my absolute favorite book of the Bible. It is the place I go for strength and courage. The words I find there consistantly challenge me and grow my faith. In my favorite book of the Bible there is a chapter; a seemingly small chapter. It is in this chapter that I hear my calling. It is in this chapter that I know how to throw myself into the work God has for me.

My heart always aches to be in Africa. I'm not ever truely whole until I'm there. But usually its a dull ache that I can ignore. Lately though I haven't been able to. My dreams are a world away. I wait on pins and needles for the day when the Lord says I can go there and never come back. So this morning in an effort to soothe the pain I'm meditating on Isaiah 61 and the above picture of my heart. Join me.

The Year of the Lord's Favor

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devestated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devestated for generations. Aliens will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of their shame my people will recieve a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.

For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfullness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed.

I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.

yesterday...

at the end of this month my students and i will be holding an event called "30 Hour Famine". it's purpose is to raise awareness and funds to fight world hunger. the basic idea is that we will get our friends and family to sponsor us a dollar amount for each hour we fast. for example i'm fasting 30 hours and my good friend Tyler hellinga is giving me $3 for every hour fasted. then we send that money to Uganda through world vision. i've done this event before and it's a great way to help students and leaders see the world around them with more compassionate eyes.

anyway, yesterday in preparation for the famine i was watching some videos i bought from invisible children (http://www.invisiblechildren.com/). i'm going to be showing some of these videos throughout the event and i wanted to make sure they were jr. high appropriate. i spent about 2 hours in my office just crying and crying. and there were a lot of reasons for those tears.

i think the most obvious reason is that my heart just can't comprehend how we can be so cruel to each other. you can get way more detailed thoughts on that throughout my blog. but there was something else. when i was 15 years old i went on my very first mission trip to mexico and while there i saw a movie about the aids crisis in africa. and ever since that night, ever since i first heard the call for help my whole being wants to respond. if you know me, you know that i end up bringing up the topic of africa in almost every conversation. i can't help it. the person that God made me to be is screaming to do something; to love more completely.

watching the videos from invisible children reminded me that i have left so much work unfinished. i have left children, who are longing to be held and i have left mothers with too much work to do alone. its interesting to me that i got a heart for this wild and untamed continent while sitting in a room a world away. i guess that's why we do the famine, because who knows how God will touch the hearts of my students.

so i would like to ask all of you that read this (i actually have no idea if its more than haley, carlee, and amy) please be praying for me and my kiddos on march 26th and 27th. pray that God would let His spirit fall on RLC. ask Him to change lives and hearts. and maybe through your prayers and God's diligent work we will find that my students grow a heart to change the world, just like i did.

heart abandoned...

last week i couldn't sleep and so i went to my trusty books for something to distract me. among my beautiful and prized bookshelves there are a handful of books that i haven't read yet. usually those books comprise of gifts, things i was given and either haven't gotten to yet or don't really ever plan on getting to. so, i started purusing and i came across on old yellow library copy of the hiding place by corrie ten boom. i'm not sure if that book is familiar to you- but if not: it's one woman's true accounting of how her family became involved in holland's underground during WWII, hiding jews so that they could find freedom. i was surprised i had it, because literally i can account for every single volume i have and here's one i didn't remember. i was also surprised because i had never read it and i am facinated by world war II and i usually devour everything i can get my hands on that's written about it. so i picked it up. i settled into my cozy bed and i readied myself to enter into the magic world of words.

i wish desperately i was a more talented writer. because the following post is not even going to scratch the surface of what this tiny little novel did for me.

i want to begin with: how does God love us? how can he love us when we are so intentionally cruel to each other? i consistantly had to put this book down and ask God to forgive me of my cruelty. as corrie wrote so simply of the pain she saw inflicted on her jewish neighbors i realized that we are capable of so much hurt. and that hurt shows up in small ways like a jab at our friends to make ourselves shinier but it also consists of this:

"how often it is a small, almost unconsious event that marks a turning point. as arrests of jews in the street became more frequent, i had begun picking up and delievering work for our jewish customers myself so that they would not have to venture into the center of town. and so one evening in the early spring of 1942 i was in the home of a doctor and his wife. they were a very old dutch family: the portraits on the walls could have been a textbook of holland's history. the heemstras and i were talking about the things that were discussed whenever a group of people got together in those days, rationing and the news from england, when down the stairs piped a childish voice: 'daddy! you didn't tuck us in!' dr. heemstras was on his feet in an instant. with an apology to his wife and me he hurried upstairs and in a minute we heard a game of hide-and-seek going and the laughter of two children. that was all. nothing had changed. mrs. heemstra continued with her recipe for stretching the tea with rose leaves. and yet everything was changed. for in that instant, reality broke through the numbness that had grown in me since the invasion. at any minute there might be a rap on this door. these children, this mother and father, might be ordered to the back of a truck" (pg. 74).

it's unimaginable the kind of suffering that we inflict upon each other. but there was another aspect of this book that wormed its way into my heart. corrie and her entire family willingly offered their lives to God. this wasn't signing up for a short-term mission trip where they could go somewhere safe and safely serve God. this wasn't proclaiming their faith in God while putting their own desires before everything else. it was a concious decision that death would be preferable to turning away from God's people. do i love my Jesus that much? do i love my neighbor that much?

"dr. heemstra came back to the living room and the conversation rambled on. but under the words a prayer was forming in my heart: 'Lord Jesus, i offer myself to your people. in any way. any place. any time'" (pg. 74).

corrie and her family would end up hiding hundreds of jews. they eventually built a small room in her bedroom so that if they were ever raided they would have a chance to keep all the jews living with them from arrest. i posted pictures of the actual room at the top of the post. and they went about their lives. they took thousands, millions of risks and there were so many times when they were given the oppurtunity to stop. they could have climbed safe and warm into their beds and said to themselves, "we've done what we could. God would be proud. but it's just too dangerous now."

eventually they were caught and corrie and her family were arrested. they were all sent to prison. her father died there. her brother and one of her sisters were released, but corrie and her sister betsie were sent to a concentration camp. not because they were jewish. not because they were mentally or physically disabled or for any other insane reason the nazi's were sending people to the camps. because they loved. because they loved others more than they loved themselves. no, wait that's wrong- because they loved God more than even the air they were breathing.

betsie died in the concentration camp. and when corrie was finally released because of a clerical error she entered a world without her father. without her mother or sister. she lost everyone she cared about. she was broken physically and emotionally. she was scarred in ways that were just beginning to show themselves. but she was also gloriously whole. because she had done exactly what Christ did. she offered all she had to her Father. it wasn't much, but God used her small life to feed millions, including me.

i have no idea how to summarize in this post the mark the chapters of their imprisonment left on me. i feel like a completely different chelsea. i feel more lost and more found. i feel closer to my Lord. i feel like a bomb went off next to me and took pieces of my selfishness with it. i want to end with corrie's words on how desperately she clung to our Lord.

"the instant of dismissal we would mob the door of barracks 8, stepping on each other's heels in our eagerness to get inside, to shrink the world back to understandable proportions. it grew harder and harder. even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. everyday something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy. 'will you carry this too, Lord Jesus?' but as the rest of the world grew stranger, one thing became increasingly clear. and that was the reason the two of us were here. why others should suffer we were not shown. as for us, from morning until lights-out, whenever we were not in ranks for roll call our bible was the center of an ever-widening circle of help and hope. like waifs clustered around a blazing fire, we gathered around it, holding out our hearts to its warmth and light. the blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the word of God. 'who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecutionor famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.' i would look about us as betsie read, watching the light leap from face to face. more than conquerors.... it was not a wish. it was a fact. we knew it, we experienced it minute by minute- poor, hated, hungry. we are more than conquerors. not 'we shall be.' we are! life in ravensbruck took place on two separate levels, mutually impossible. one, the observable, external life, grew every day more horrible. the other, the life we lived with God, grew daily better, truth upon truth, glory upon glory" (pg. 194-195).

The Buried Life...

My new favorite show is MTV's: "The Buried Life". It follows these four guys as they try to accomplish evey item on their "Before we die..." list. And each time they complete something on their list they try to help a stranger cross off something on their list. It's this very sweet and surprisingly touching show. It also doesn't hurt that the guys are too cute. Anyway, it's got me thinking about what I'd put on my list. They have 100 items; so here's mine.

1. get married
2. be a mom
3. visit every single country in Africa
4. create my own cereal
5. sing kareokee with jon bon jovi
6. write a book
7. get that book published
8. work on a horse ranch
9. kiss in the rain
10. adopt
11. tour the white house
12. meet nelson mandela
13. be interviewed by jimmy kimmel
14. see every continent
15. go to london
16. live in a small town
17. deliver a baby
18. have enough money to spend it without thinking
19. spend 1 month all by myself in some secluded, beautiful place and just think and be with God
20. be in two places at once
21. get a tattoo
22. write for a sucessful TV show
23. learn to play piano
24. learn to play guitar
25. dance all night long
26. spend the night on the beach
27. get to take a mission trip with all of my closest friends
28. invent something
29. time travel
30. do something truly artistic
31. help someone's dreams come true
32. go to walt disney world
33. stay in a castle
34. sit on a beautiful, rolling hill, while drinking something hot and wonderful, and just "be" in ireland
35. have a song written about me
36. pet a baby hippo
37. ride an ostrich
38. figure out a really great halloween costume and execute it beauitfully
39. live next door to tim and carlee
40. learn to sew
41. watch jay, jake, and patrick change the world
42. buy my momma a cottage by the sea, just like the Lupin Lady's
43. be able to finance all of my missionary friend's lives
44. have my very own, wonderful library
45. be a cartoon
46. have an occasion to wear a really fancy, oscar-type gown
47. get to play with baby farm animals
48. go fishing with barack obama
49. get to be a guest co-host on the view
50. pay off my student loans
51. have a real pen pal
52. swim with dolphins
53. see a superbowl live
54. go on tour with U2
55. become more handy
56. carve a cool piece of furniture
57. be on survivor
58. walk with daisy on a deserted beach
59. find out i had a long, lost, evil twin
60. scare my brother, like really bad, like worse than all the times he's scared me added together
61. go to tea with someone fancy and british
62. take sally to south africa
63. play paintball with the new england patriots
64. have a reunion with our saturday morning worship group (with phil leading worship for it)
65. fill a swimming pool with jello
66. beat kevin in anything fantasy football related
67. be really, truly surprised
68. never have to plan another one of my birthdays
69. come up with the world's best cupcake recipe
70. design a t-shirt
71. go on a roadtrip with matty, tyler, lala, and oliver
73. help with extreme home makeover
74. take beautiful photographs
75. get a puppy
76. have my own treehouse (and an awesome one)
77. have one new year's eve that lives up to the hype
78. find a way to thank all the people that have changed my life
79. get a better sense of direction
80. go to space
81. have lunch with all the captains of the enterprise
82. learn to sail
83. beat my students at stupid guitar hero
84. have a white christmas
85. be in a play
86. crash a wedding
87. see a real circus
89. sit in a pub, drink a beer, and watch rugby in london
90. learn to speak another language fluently
91. ride a train
92. stay in a super fancy hotel, in their fanciest room
93. see both poles, north and south
94. visit ernest hemingway's house
95. design my dream home
96. roadtrip across these united states
97. have a vegetable garden
98. ride a hot-air balloon
99. learn to bartend, and then get to do it for a night or two
100. spend a few days on a deserted island with someone i love

john hughes changes everything...

do you ever wish you could just be a character in a john hughes film? i do. a lot. his movies were just genius. the breakfast club, ferris buller's day off, pretty in pink, sixteen candles; that is a list that continues to define teen angst and love and figuring out who we are. anyway i've been in an 80's mood lately so i thought i'd post a little tribute.

a cup of sugar...

i usually hate baking. i find it tedious and constricting. i love to cook, but that's an entirely different beast than baking. there's a recipe that must be followed and the timing has to be perfect. all things i'm horrible at. but a few years ago when i started working with high school students i invented a game called "cookie points". basically i handed out points haphazardly and when a student reached a specific number of points i would bake them a batch of cookies. this did practically nothing for the girls, but the boys loved it! they would work so hard for the points. and in turn i spent a lot more time baking than i ever had before.

so here's what i'm learning: baking is constricting and there are rules and you can't just throw in some lime juice because you think it might add a bit of a kick. but baking gives you a different kind of freedom. as you knead the dough or whip the egg whites there's this knowledge that following the recipe is going to get you where you want to go. when i cook it's wild and haphazard. not everything i put in a pot works well together (although i must say i get it right 9 out of 10x). but with baking i can follow each step and trust that my pie will deliver. it's a nice thought when my world seems so out of my control.

so go grab a recipe and make a pie or some banana bread and relax in the knowledge that you can't screw it up... well, i mean you can screw it up... uh-oh...

And the Lord was with him...

my sophomore year of high school (i think. potentially it could have been my junior year. ask phil if you want the exact date) one of my leader's started a saturday morning class. we'd meet at church and worship in the balcony of the sanctuary and then we'd go to this room by my dad's office and have some sort of lesson on discipleship. i want to be clear: this was SATURDAY MORNING! and it was early, really early. i don't remember exactly how early, but trust me, it was definitely a sacrifice. and although my body would yell at me each week to just skip it, i never did. those mornings were some of the best worship i have ever participated in. and that's saying a lot, because i have been in some really dynamic worship. it wasn't because of the caliber of the worship leader. it wasn't because the music was so new and exciting. in fact it was just a small group of us, one guitar, and some off-key voices. but there was this beautiful spirit of adoration in the room.

after awhile our leader was off to new adventures. and so saturday morning class stopped. i didn't think much of it. i missed the worship, but i wasn't like desperate to rip my body from my bed that early anymore. one day i was hanging out with my friend tyler and he mentioned that he really missed devoting that morning time to the Lord. he told me he was going to start a weekly morning prayer group. he wanted to meet wednesdays before school. now we're talking even earlier. this i distinctly remember: 6:30am! it was still dark out when we would head to church. and although i felt this slight twinge of sadness for my warm bed, it was infigorating to begin my day with the Lord. for a few weeks it would just be me and tyler. we'd meet up in the balconey and just seek the Lord's will. i loved it. i have never felt so sure of my faith as i did on wednesday morning.

i would say that the past 5ish years have not been great when it comes to my devotion for God. i'm still seeking Him, but it's always half-hearted and on my terms. and slowly i have drifted from His side. i'm no longer the same girl that put everything in her life second to her savior. i've been trying so hard to get back there. and this morning i was reading a verse that a friend sent me: "... one of the servants answered, 'i have seen a son of Jesse of Bethlehem who knows how to play the harp. He is a brave man and a warrior. He speaks well and is a fine-looking man. AND THE LORD IS WITH HIM.'"

and the Lord is with him. and the Lord is with him. and the Lord is with him. no matter how many times i hear those words they never stop being powerful. i never stop missing them; those words used to describe me. it's time i went back to walking with my Jesus. and that means it's time to put my hand back in His.

copy-cat, 2009 edition...

so clearly i steal my best ideas. but i was reading my friend haley's blog (a great pastime you should try) and i loved how she summed her year up. i've been trying to find a good way to do the same... so i'm stealing hers: the following are the people, places, and moments that defined me this year. some of them helped me to better grasp who i am and who my God calls me to be, others were just plainly a bad influence. I want to be clear that the following items are listed for all sorts of reasons. so don't take any of it as an advertisement (necessarily)!

BOOKS: The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay), The Furious Longing of God (Brennan Manning), The Twilight Series (Stephanie Meyer)

SONGS: divine romance (phil wickham), don't stop believin' (glee cover), i didn't know my own strength (whitney houston), by your side (tenth avenue north)

PEOPLE: President Barack Obama, Sally Cook, Pierre Bartels, The Klug Family, Kevin Cox, and Chelsea Handler

WEBSITE: www.youthspecialities.com/jobs

Album: Line on the Horizon (U2), ACTS 2009

MOVIES: (this was by far the hardest category to sum up) Invictus, Schindler's List, Last Chance Harvey, P.S. I Love you, Star Trek

TV SHOWS: Sons of Anarchy, Survivor, The Real Housewives

MISC: Directing ACTS, Leaving SAPC, Last Family Camp, Moving Out, Standing Up, Tyler getting married, Letting Go, AAA, Joining and Leaving the OAM Board, Trust