one of my students asked me the other day why i care so much. she said something along the lines of: "chels you know you cry a lot, right? don't you think things would just be much easier if you didn't care quite so much? it probably would hurt a lot less when people disappointed you, if you didn't have any expectations for them."
now i firmly believe that a huge reason she was saying this was that we were in the middle of a discussion regarding my expectations for HER. so, probably if she wasn't getting a patented "chelsea-lecture" she wouldn't have said anything at all. but her point was well taken. she's right. so i started thinking about it. here's what i came up with:
i believe that God has created each of us in His image. i know that's a term that gets thrown around a lot, so let me tell you what i think it means. i think when God was busy painting the stars He was thinking about me. He was molding canyons and designing mocking birds. and He was also dreaming up His little girl: Chelsea Lee. Because God loves us so much, He wants to express that. in each of us He gives differently. if you read my blog then inevitably you've come across a post or two about the people i love and why i love them. i think those qualities are direct expressions of God's love for us.
when God was busy contemplating my qualities i think He knew He'd have to temper my pride, He'd need something that softened my tongue, and of course He knew that someday i would be hampered by my fear. So as He thought of those things, He came up with something to help pull me closer to Him and His will: my heart. God created me to love fiercely. its true that i care too much. and that caring often leads to heartbreak. when i think of the babies that i left in africa- i'm shattered. when i remember my friends who no longer walk with God i know i'm not whole. when i see someone broken and hurting and alone, all i want to do is hold them. i read the paper or see the news and i just want to get a giant microphone and scream, "stop hurting each other! stop competing and arguing. stop trying to put yourself first at someone's else's expense!"
all of those hurts are painful. my heart beats wildly for God's people and that means there are so many times when i feel let down. i know that my tears and my screams and my prayers are never enough, they will never be enough.
but if i'm honest (and i'm always honest on this blog) then i must say, i wouldn't have it any other way. i love to love. i love to know that when i am at my best my heart beats in time with God's. and that is an intimacy like no other.
