world AIDS day

giving it back on thanksgiving...

this year for thanksgiving i was in houston, texas. the "california nazarians" were visiting the "texas nazarians". it was big and loud and wonderful. there was so much to be thankful for: jared's new wife sarah, who is quickly becomming my favorite cousin. the food and family we had. the warm and wonderful house we stayed in. lisa's newly purchased home. and although i found myself full of joy there was still a small twinge of sorrow.

as much as i love the holiday season, there is this small part of me that wishes i could hide in bed the night before thanksgiving and stay there till after new years. there is this ache in my heart. the ache has two parts (i bet you didn't know it was possible for an ache to have parts, well it is!). the first is the ache i have for the poverty around the world. i think about the time i spend buying presents and making cookies and i wish i could fill it more usefully. i wish i could gather each lost and lonely child in my arms and tell them it will all be alright. the second ache is much less noble. the second ache is for that person, that man that will gather me in his arms and whisper that it all will be alright. i wish i had someone to kiss under the mistletoe. no scratch that- mistletoe smells and i would never put it up in my home. but you get the idea. so readers, i anxiously await the beginning of the holiday season, and i also anxiously await the end.

finding the balance...

i had planned on posting this blog on tuesday after the election results came in. but for some reason i just hadn't quite finished sorting out all of my feelings and needed a bit more time to process. i'm sure most of you know that i have been excited for this election since june of last year. i spent a lot of time researching each candidate, even before some of them had offically become candidates. i read hillary clinton's autobiography, both of barack obama's books, john mccain's biography, and even pursued bits of rudy's book (although i must admit i didn't get very far). i watched CNN, BBC, and FOX. i took stock of each party's side. eventually i landed on senator barack obama. i was encouraged by his fresh approach. i loved listening to him speak. i agreed with his plans for education and health care. i felt confident that he could lead our country. for the most part my friends respected the decision i'd made. there was of course the odd pressure here and there, but nothing ridiculous. i do feel bad for my dad though, because apparently there were quite a few members of our congregation that felt the need to explain to my dad why his newly christened "liberal" daughter was throwing her brains away. and although i don't feel that my political beliefs are anyone's buisness, i enjoyed engaging people about this election.

i know many of my friends who have hated this political season. they feel judged. they don't like how things turned out. they're angry. i understand that. i, however, have loved every second of it. it's been exciting and historical. someday my grandkids are going to ask me if i remember when president obama was elected. they'll have to interview me for some school project and i'll laugh as i think of tina fey's spot-on impression of sarah pallin. things have been heated, sure but there has never been a campign that wasn't heated. for example in 1800 james callendar (hired by thomas jefferson) wrote a slew of slanderous articles against then-president john adams. and in the late 19th century davy crockett claimed that martin van buren wore women's corsetts. i'm tired of people who claim to be "interested and involved" in polictics idealizing it. it's politics. it's dirty and often unfair. i can guarentee each side comprimises, each candidate is willing to bend a little to get what they want.

this year something amazing happened: we elected a man who inspires millions, who challenges our beliefs about what is possible. for one minute take some time to breath. forget about what makes you mad, how you think things should have gone. forget about being "righteously outraged" and get excited! john f. kennedy inspired us toward the moon, abraham lincoln shot us to a free country for all, let's give barack obama the time and space to see where his inspiration leads.

copy-cat 2...

i stole this from kelsey, who stole it from holly, who stole it from maryann. by the way, having 2 hours to kill EVERY tuesday is really adding content to my blog.

Top Fives thing I can't live without, under $51.
1. TV
2. my email
3. a mark special
4. matty and t-hellinga
5. my journal of silly and vital musings

Five Favorite Movies
1. braveheart (if you haven't seen this movie your soul is probably slowly withering to death.)
2. shakespeare in love (this is particularly fantastic if you have even a small understanding of shakespeare's history and his body of work.)
3. blood diamond
4. newsies (this is mostly because it is saturated with the sweet scent of my childhood.)
5. white christmas

Five Songs that I listen to until I can't handle it anymore and then return to them in a month.
1. The heart of the matter by india aire (well actually she covered it, but i like her version best)
2. the valley by ginny owens
3. livin' on a prayer by jon bon jovi
4. heat of the moment by asia (i really dig the 80s.)
5. really anything by U2

Five people/events that inspire my life
1. nelson mandela/ the end of apharteid
2. conrad and bonnie kusel
3. the children's choir that i direct
4. jesus
5. grandma nazarian

Five moments/events that changed my life
1. DTS, spending seven months totally devoted to learning more about myself and more about my God was utterly life changing.
2. holding a little african baby on christmas eve. watching someone so tiny struggle for each breath taught me how to grab ahold of the the hem of Christ's robe and hold on for dear life.
3. finishing college, never thought i would.
4. a conversation with Matty at family camp, that helped me value myself more.
5. being in Mr. Well's honor's english class

Five current obsessions
1. real world/road rules challenge (i'm sorry, but this show is amazing. i laugh out loud every week.)
2. the jonas brothers (wow i am totally ashamed to admit that.)
3. twilight
4. book club
5. learning to be a really talented BBQ-er

Five places I would like to go
1. london, england
2. scotland
3. kenya
4. thailand
5. never-never land

BONUS: Five querks/confessions about me
1. i have real, documented and extreme road rage
2. i am easily intimidated
3. i love airports
4. i still can't sleep the night before christmas
5. i love it when my family isn't home so i can pee with the door open

the old lady living in that shoe...

so i decided today that i want to try and remember each kid i've baby-sat over the years. see my friend mark bet me i couldn't remember them all, this is me trying... let's see my first offical job was when i was 10. i am currently 24 and still baby-sitting... this is going to be a lot of kids to remember, mark might win.

- marissa hertzel
- ryan and michelle weiss
- matt and patrick hazelton
- bryan and danny white
- bret, keighly, and kerry cogan
- kathleen and melissa anderson
- emma and ethan tweitmann
- kellen and mali (can't remember the last name)
- jordan walker
- lorelai faulkner
- nate ballast
- adam aguirre
- jake, ryley, and kate goldsworthy
- hockers back when there was only 3 of them
- kaley, lindsey, cydnee, and peyton allen
- that kid who's parents worked on ER
- noah drake

that's all i can remember for now. if you know of a couple more names let me know. TOGETHER WE CAN KICK MARK'S BUTT!

Chipped Paint- A Reflection of Africa

The sun was shinning so brightly I had to squint to make out any shapes at all. The day was hot; I was already sweating and I had just stepped out of the house. I looked around me and sighed as I realized how I was going to be spending my Christmas. Africa wasn’t anything I had expected. But just as quickly as that thought flew into my mind- I crumpled it up and threw it out again. Expectations are meant to be challenged, and I walked over to the car and got in.

As Pierre drove I listened to the conversations around me. Everyone was talking about what they would be doing if they were home. I thought about where I would be; what I’d be doing. It certainly wasn’t this. I wouldn’t be wearing the same clothes I had worn for the last three weeks, smelling as if I hadn’t showered in decades. I was in South Africa, headed to a hospital to make a difference, but I was beginning to feel that the difference was too small to see. I wondered whether there was a point in any of it. We drove on passing beautiful countryside so quickly all of the defined shapes had morphed into a swirl of greens and blues.

I sighed, “Do you guys feel lost? You’re traveling too fast and you want to stop and look around at what you’re chasing. But you know if you stop the thing you’re chasing just disappears.”

There was a pause of awkward silence. I turned back to the window.

Life felt so heavy in those moments. As I looked at the country around me I knew that we couldn’t cover the despair. There wasn’t enough whitewash in the world to bleach out this kind of pain. Living in South Africa was slowly destroying the hope I held inside of me. Each day that passed brought with it the reality that it didn’t matter how many hospitals I visited, how many children I held, because there would always be more; more pain, more death, I had come to Africa wanting to change it. But the longer I stayed in this country the more I felt that I wasn't enough.

I felt the car jolt to a stop. We had arrived at the local hospital and as I stepped into the dirt my eyes welled up at the sight of the pain. These people sought answers here, healing. But they couldn't receive any of the answers they needed and the healing continued to elude them. This wasn’t a hospital; this was a place where the dying took their dead. We walked past the TB ward, passed the HIV/AIDS ward. We slowed slightly and then took a left down a very long hallway. There were no walls on the hallway so the sun streamed through and heated the concrete bellow our feet. The air was thick and smelled like urine. Weeks earlier I had stopped noticing the smell of urine.

Pierre was leading the way and he stopped before a large green door, at least I assume it had been green before all the paint had chipped away. He turned around and faced our gang of twelve, “The people you are about to minister to are helpless, hopeless. They need you, so put aside what you are thinking about, it doesn’t matter, for the next four hours it’s not about you.” And then he opened the door; the door I assumed was green before all the paint had chipped away.

We walked into a children’s ward, I looked slowly to the left then the right the children were staring at us with big round eyes. I shivered slightly at the cold walls surrounding me. My mind was swirling as I realized the unfairness of it all. No child should face such a lifeless Christmas. Though my thoughts were true and noble, I knew I was hiding behind the nobility. I didn’t want to face such a lifeless Christmas.

I watched as our group fanned out. They seemed to end up in pairs: Adam and Terra, Barry and Pierre, Heidi and Jenna, Sam and Brandon, Oyvind and Nathan, and Moses and Andrew. I guess that left me odd man out. At first I walked aimlessly around the beds. I stared at little girls covered in bandages, little boys staring blankly at the walls. It shocked me that such a small space, holding so many children, could be so quiet. I moved to the back of the room where I saw a mother sitting beside a crib holding a rag doll. As I walked closer I realized it wasn’t a doll it was a child. I walked closer. Suddenly I found myself next to the mother and for a few moments just stared at the beautiful child she held. I wanted to hold her, to make every sickness and pain in that tiny body disappear. I wanted this baby to know peace. I was so full of emotions and thoughts I felt ready to burst. The mother just stared at me. I knew she couldn’t speak any English but I also knew that deep inside she felt my compassion. As I looked into the haunted eyes of the mother and she looked into the broken eyes of the “missionary” we reached an understanding, we were both missing the hope inside of us. With that look of lost hope I felt a little bit more of the green pain chip away from the door.

I looked at my feet; embarrassed that after all this time I hadn’t developed a thicker skin to agony. I was contemplating the future for this small mother and her small child when I felt something coarse in my arms. I looked down and realized that the mother had handed me her baby, wrapped only in a small, white towel.

“Hello,” I whispered, “my name is Chelsea and I love you so very much. I know it must be horrible to be here on Christmas. I wish there was something more I could do. You are such a beautiful baby.”

The only response I felt was her tiny body struggling to breathe in and out. Each breath was becoming more difficult then the last. My eyes filled with tears. One word continued to run through my mind like the ticker of a newsreel, ‘Heal.’ I had waited almost a month in this country that was so full of pain and darkness, I wanted to see God do what He had promised me; I wanted a miracle for my tiny little baby.

“It’s Christmas, God. This is the day you sent the world your miracle, please give this child hope. It’s not too late for this baby to be another Christmas miracle.” The words were spoken so softly that I wondered if they could make it to the ears of the Almighty. But when my eyes met with the eyes of the mother sitting next to me I knew that more then anything I needed my Lord to return the hope I had once felt so clearly. I needed to believe that the miracle of Jesus’ birth was still relevant, still held weight. I needed God to repaint the green door.

I was silent waiting with baited breath for my Savior to show me that His love reached beyond the pages of a Bible. I held that baby; the mother watched me, and the entire time I was praying in my head, “Lord have mercy, heal.” Each moment felt like an eternity and I saw no change in my little one. Soon it was time to go and when I handed the mother her child I whispered softly, “I’m sorry.”

Back in the car I returned to staring out the window. As we drove further and further from the hospital I felt my heart drift from my God. I didn’t understand how this could happen. I replayed countless sermons in my head, but as I thought about what happened in that small room behind the door that I assume had been green before the paint chipped away, I realized that sermons could only comment on theory and I was living reality.

When we pulled up in front of our house I rushed out the door. I called to everyone that I’d be back in a little while and I ran. I ran as fast as I could, looking for a place that I could be alone. I stopped at the playground behind our house. I sat on the top of the slide and looked out to the endless sky.

“Lord, where are you? Have you forgotten me? I am waiting for you. I'm always aiting for you. All my life I have been waiting for you.” The tears fell so freely. My body was raked with sobs and as I let myself feel truly angry, I felt something grow. Deep inside of me it seemed there was still the glimmer of hope. In that moment of release, that place of weakness I allowed myself to make room for God to show me His purpose.

My child. I sent you my son, he died a horrifying death, and I stood by and watched.

“I don’t care. Reading about that doesn’t change the fact that today I needed you, that baby needed you and you were no where.” I responded to the breeze fluttering by.

I was there. I know that child as I know you. Chelsea, I breathed life into you. I created you for such purpose. There is a call on your life to be light and hope. Trust that. Trust me.

“How can I be hope when I don’t feel it inside of me?”

Just because you can’t feel it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

With those words the breeze brushed the hair out of my eyes and I felt a strong calm rise from the pit of my stomach. I sighed and looked up. I knew, I knew deep in my soul that the love of my Lord endures. In that moment I knew that the pain of South Africa could be changed. On the walk back to the house I smiled. Maybe God didn’t heal my small Christmas child in the way I had expected, but I knew she was in Heaven with Him. I realized that was the best miracle anyone would ever experience. As I reached the front door I waited before I turned the knob.

“I’ll help you repaint the door, Abba.” With those words I finally caught what I was chasing.

copy-cat...

my friend colleen (she copied the idea from our friend haley, who copied the idea from her friend karen) made this list and it sounded like a really fun idea, so here it is: 50 things you should know about me.

1. i hate all white substances because they remind me of mayo which i hate more than anything: yogurt, cottage cheese, vanilla ice cream- you name it, i hate it.
2. i love the smell of rain.
3. i want to be a mother so badly sometimes my heart aches.
4. since i was 15 years old i have wanted to live in africa.
5. sometimes while i am driving i wonder what would happen if i swerved into oncoming traffic, i don't want to kill myself, i just wonder what would happen.
6. i'm meticulously organized.
7. i'm a bit of a control feak.
8. i have an on-going dialouge with myself.
9. i think the brawny-paper towel guy is hot.
10. people assume i exagerate because i did it when i was in jr. high and sometimes i want to punch them and yell, "LET ME GROW OUT OF MY POOR BEHAVIOR!"
11. my friends and family assume they know me really well and would be surprised to find out that i hide quite a bit of myself.
12. i love airports.
13. i've always wanted to be a rock star.
14. i have seen and expected miracles and yet i am constantly surprised by them.
15. a little piece of me has always wanted to live in a tiny apartment in greenwich village and write hugely successful novels.
16. i collect "strays", people and animals.
17. when someone says i "can't" do something i put every ounce of my being into proving them wrong.
18. i find myself hugely entertaining.
19. i have already picked out names for my kids.
20. i would be doing something completely different with myself right now if i didn't have student loans.
21. i love to cook.
22. i tend to think i know how my loved ones should live their lives better than they do.
23. i would wear a dress everyday if i could.
24. i have abandonment issues and my parents are not divorced.
25. i am the oldest child.
26. i always wished i had come from a big family. i always wanted to be the youngest girl, with 5 older brothers.
27. i think about meeting my future husband a good 70% of my day.
28. i am incredibly blessed.
29. i love 80s music.
30. swimming is the only time i feel really, truely athletic.
31. i love soap operas and i must admit i am a little ashamed to reveal that.
32. i love books and i have a test system one must complete if they want to borrow any of my books.
33. i wish i could make "make-believe" a reality.
34. i hate when people notice me.
35. i hate when people don't notice me.
36. i cry super easily.
37. i hear God through media.
38. i love a good fight.
39. i think sports with no defense shouldn't be called sports, they should be called "athletic endeavors".
40. i'm a good leader.
41. i'm an E.N.F.P. in the meyer briggs.
42. i love to name inanimate objects.
43. i've always wanted to travel to london, sit in a pub, watch rugy, drink a pint, and find true love.
44. i think disney perpetuates a belief that women need men to be satisfied.
45. i think women who are no longer little girls and dress up like a disney princess for halloween need to re-evaluate their priorities.
46. in jr. high my friend sophia calica made me promise that if i ever won an academy award i would thank her in my acceptance speech.
47. i have not seen sophia calica since jr. high, but if i ever won an academy award i would thank her in my acceptance speech.
48. my deepest fear is being alone.
49. i love my silent days.
50. i cannot be summed up in lists.

Barack-in' the Vote!

i am so excited about this election. the other day i was watching the debates and i couldn't help but smile. these are history- makin' times. either way, mccain or obama it's historic. and i can smell the fervor in the air, almost everyone i know is paying attention. when was the last time so many people were so on fire for politics? when was the last time we cared, or believed that perhaps an election could change anything? i think there are some really important aspects of this election for me personally.

the first thing is that it's been eight years since i really believed in a candidate. two previous elections where i felt like it was just picking between two lemons. but this year, this election i believe in barack obama. i don't necessarily agree with everything he does, but i believe in him. i trust him. i think he is an honorable man. i think he can bring about the change he's promising. and that gets me so excited.

it's not that i think john mccain isn't a good choice. in fact he brings a lot to the table, but i don't trust him the same way that i do obama. i'm sure he's a good man, but the fact is he seems more like a politician than a man. i get lost in his "message" i want to know who he is and what he believes. even if those beliefs differ from mine, i want to know them.

so i'm voting obama and i'm pretty dern excited about it.

Just Do It Already!

this is my absolute favorite scene from one of my all time favorite shows. if you enjoy the wit and amazing writing in this scene and you have never experinced the west wing, run now as fast as you can and rent the first season!

first day...

last night i couldn't sleep. and even though i didn't actually fall asleep until somewhere around 1am i was totally awake by 7am. today was my LAST first day of school. that's right i am getting my teaching credential at long beach state and it's a year and a half program. this means (in case you couldn't figure it out) that i am offically done with first days. i had one for kindergarden through 6th grade. then i had a couple in jr. high. i had four immensely sucessful first day's in high school and topped the whole experience off with the 5 first days i had for college. but today is it. this is the last time i will scope out the school supplies at target on labor day. i'm done picking out the perfect outfit. no more backpacks to load or friends to compare schedules with. so good-bye first days and hello real world!

houseboats- more than a house, much more than a boat!

so last week i was on houseboats. there were thirty high schoolers crammed onto two boats. we played and laughed, there were banana boat wars and there was a major game of "honey if you love me please smile" (which of course patrick hazey won). there were so many moments that i loved. at one point i was sitting on the front deck of the boat and the sun was shinning, a couple of the boys were fishing, and taylor swift was the soundtrack for the day. i felt like this was one perfect moment.

among all the fun and laughs God moved in awesome ways. i watched as our students reached out and grabbed the hem of Jesus' robe. their faith was astounding. each of these stduents came with their own unique experience, some were bathed in pain and others had no idea what to expect. but God showed up for each one. as they questioned and prodded God, He reached back and wrapped these students in his arms.

each year i love watching God move through the kids. they are always light-years ahead of me when it comes to trusting that movement. I am constantly reminded that when we jump off the cliff God grabs us and makes sure we never fall. faith is more than trust, it's beyond a decision and the students i work with get that.

the best part of home...

when i pulled into my driveway about a week ago my whole body seemed to relax. there's an anticipation that takes over as i pull off of prospect and onto faye lane. but the scent of salt water and the sight of that big blue enigma we call the pacific aren't the best parts. the best part of home is how every time i come back my whole family (daisy included!) rushes out the front door to greet me. i'm not sure i can explain what it's like to have this kind of unconditional love.

my mom always makes sure to have a mark special waiting hot on the kitchen table. tyler cracks some stupid joke that makes me giggle. dad helps unload the car and all the while daisy jumps around barking as if nothing could make her happier. there's something so comforting to be welcomed home. i am always welcome in my home. no matter my decisions, no matter my mistakes. and then just when i think the house and my heart will burst with the wonder of it all, in walks matty and oliver! and those boys (well, i guess men now) they love me and they protect me. they're the big brothers i always needed.

so i don't know if you know this delightful joy that is the "welcome" but i hope you do because there is nothing more gooey! and gooey is what we're always shooting for!

cha-cha-changes...

''Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad. It's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.''

it was a sunny september afternoon. i remember grabbing my purse and shouting a quick good-bye to my parents as they headed for a well deserved nap. as i walked towards martin square the butterflies quickly grew to jurassic park proportions. i was terrified, which made me laugh because i was just going to meet my orientation group- it's not like i was hosting the white house correspondance dinner. i found my group leader and just stared at strange faces. as we stood in a circle, hiding from the sun and sharing the bits of ourselves that we'd polished the best, i wondered if i would even remember any of these people three years later. that was the beginning.

the middle? well that is harder to put into words. how do i begin to express the laughter, late night talks, and tears i shed here? i can't. but i can say that all of my friends and experiences here helped me become more me! i think that one of my favorite memories was thanksgiving re-mix. our house was bursting with joy that night. the boys breezing in carrying food, matt worried that shannon would be offended by his fake polar bear hat; the whole night was full of laughter. i remember at one point looking around the room and feeling like this night was perfect. even those that were forced to the kiddie table had a good time. it's nights like that that sum up my time in seattle- good friends, good food, good conversation.

the end? well, the end is of course sad and devestating and exciting. i cannot imagine not having family dinners or coffee dates with brey or movie nights with elizabeth. i do not know how i will survive without laughing with my amazing roomates and i know that i will desperately miss mothering these boys. but i am so excited for the surprises around the bend. i am really ready to start fresh. no "good-byes" but definately some "see you laters"!

what happens after "happily ever after"

this quarter i have been taking a course entitled, "human sexuality." we've been discussing everything from birth control to homosexuality. it's been interesting to dive into discussion with such a diverse group of individuals. anyway, today we began our discussion of marriage. i found myself sitting in the room shocked by how unprepared my classmates are. is it possible to be this clueless? here's the thing, the topic was MARRIAGE and yet for a good hour there was some major discussion on WEDDINGS! guys, i am not sure if you're aware of this or not- but those are two very different things. i am convinced that our society today puts too much emphasis on the white dress, flowers, and where the couple will honeymoon than the actual marriage.

i have a great example of one couple i know that did it right. my best friend leigh anne (lala, don't be mad that i am writing about you in my blog) and her husband jordan were married in august of 2005. their respective families couldn't afford to help pay for the wedding and so leigh anne and jordan had a $7,000 budget- TOTAL! that included honeymoon, reception, flowers, dress, the whole enchillada (as my spanish savior sal would say). i remember asking leigh anne if she was bummed that she wasn't getting her fairy tale day. do you know what my incredibly wise friend said, "no! because i am getting the prince and i don't plan on losing sight of him in exchange for one day of magic. i want a lifetime of magic."

Yes We Can Obama Song by will.i.am

this video gives me chills everytime i see it! let's remember that we can! let's step out in faith and believe that change is possible! watch and be inspired!

Costa Rica 2007

here's a video from our trip. enjoy!

Archbishop Desmond Tutu on Forgiveness

waiting...

tonight i have been sitting on my bed all cuddled up and warm and i have been thinking about my fast approaching graduation. i am about five weeks away from finishing something i have never thought i would complete. i find i am consumed with fear, excitement, anticipation, and sadness. i am so ready for this new chapter to begin.

on the other hand seattle has changed everything in my life. i am not sure that i am ready to live this little cave i have carved out for myself. you know the other day i was sitting in my living room and i looked around at the people i love. i watched as patrick and joel argued about whether he was hiding her cell phone and i giggled as matt, adam, jake, and tim watched the mariner's game. carlee, heather, krista and kristin were talking about past and upcoming nuptuials. this warm glow started to spread around me. i felt so content. it was this rare moment of perfect happiness. yes i will miss this chapter quite a bit. it's a good thing that i don't have to say good-bye- just see ya later.

thoughts for the new year...

i have been thinking a lot lately about the movement between "last year" and "this year." as 2007 passed by i thought of all the things that i didn't do. i thought about the times when fate called for my courage and instead i cowered. i thought about the chances i had to jump and the moments of honesty that i let slip through my fingers. i also spent a lot of time thinking about the accomplishments of 2007. there was pride that ran through the year. challenges i overcame and days when i dug my feet in and stood my ground. that was my year: a jumble of what might have been and what was.

now i look toward 2008. as the clock struck midnight and the new year was upon me it was a chance to change the "could be's" into "definately's." i have this belief that something can always be made new. so in 2008 i plan to stay ahead of the pack, be more honest, surprise myself, and be daring. watch world!