during my time as an English major there were moments when we were asked to complete a "SreamofConciousness" writing. this was designed to help us clear out all the goop getting in the way of the creative process. and sometimes it managed to bring about a tidbit that would turn into a great story or character name or poem or something... well today i find myself unable to focus. my brain's all goopey. so i thought i'd try a SOC writing here. maybe it'll clear me out. the following is just what comes out for the next 20 minutes:
my brain hurts. i don't have a headache, more like an explosion. i think i store too much up there. trying, always trying to categorize and plan and hide and be strong. sometimes i think the greatest thing in the world would be to stand on a table in front of all my friends and family and just start revealing all the stuff i try so hard to hide. it would be glorious and at the same time the most horrible moment of my life. i wonder who would still love me after that? i wonder what people think about me. i mean obviously i can guess some of it. but i want to know what they really think. i want to know if they're as hard on me as i am. oh! you know what else i want? grapes. i want grapes so freaking bad right now. i really should remember to bring the lunch i pack when i go to work. i miss jr. year of college. it was so fun to walk back from class and have lunch with the girls. i think family dinners were the best then. i loved how before we moved into that old house we spent tons of time making plans for it and then we never followed through with any of those. brey and nicole were going to plant a garden in our backyard and patrick and i wanted to paint. we even went as far as to get paint chips. but we just left that old house as gross and falling down as it was when we got there. its so ironic to me that that's the place where our heat went out and shan and tracy had that invasion of ants and we had no dishwasher or even really a couch. but that was the place where i laughed the most and felt the safest and the most loved. that was a house that was full of purpose and joy and adventure. we just felt free to really LIVE there. and we didn't try so hard to hide. like when we got in a snowball fight with the guy's house and they were better at making snowballs so we started throwing old newspapers at them. i am literally laughing out loud right now. my toes are cold. i wonder if any kiddos are gonna show up to high school group tonight. i'm torn between wanting them to come and wanting to get some real catch up time with dylan. dylan's amazing. the absolute best. now i'm concerned the people that read my blog are going to think dylan's a boy and that i'm in love with 'him'. dylan's a girl. and i'm not in love with her- just for the record. do you think people realize the promises their making to God when they sing worship songs? i need to respond to haley ballast's blog post from yesterday. i have lots and lots of thoughts. ok my 20 minutes is almost over. which is good because i'm not really sure what else i want to write.... uh... i love Glee.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
letting go...
once upon a time there lived a princess...
this is a great way to start a story, but i think its also a great way to massively screw with one's mind. i know, i know i'm not the first person to comment on how fairy tales teach girls all sorts of anti-feminist things. and perhaps what i'm about to say isn't an original thought... but it is a thought i've been having so bear with me.
in a fairy tale there's always a happy ending. a street urchin becomes a sultan, a frog turns into a prince, hansel and gretel find their way home. in the end all of the dragons fought and witches battled are worth it. but that's not real life. something God has been teaching me for the last few years is that sometimes the hard stuff is just hard. there isn't always a happy ending.
the past couple of weeks i have been praying about my future. i have been asking God a lot of "why's" and "when's". my whole life i have wanted only 3 things: 1. to be a wife, 2. to be a mom, and 3. to glorify God. that's it. that's all i want. and i would cut off my arm to get those things. i always assumed that God would want me to have those things too. I mean, they're not bad, right? those are awesome and wonderful things to want. but a couple weeks ago i was reading about Joesph; sold into slavery by his brothers, blamed for all sorts of things he didn't do, thrown in jail, forgotten, left, alone. and i think i naturally jump to the end of that story. i say to myself, "well yeah, but look where he ended up." but what if joesph only wanted 3 things? what if he just wanted to grow old with his family, what if he just wanted to be with his dad and his brothers and be accepted?
God had another plan for joesph. in fact so many of the great men and women of faith had to face other plans. this subject rips up my insides. i may seem so calm and well thought out while i write this, but trust me i'm not. the idea of saying, "God you are enough" terrifies me. but as i watch people in my life who say that i am inspired that maybe i can too. and i guess, if i'm honest the idea of never being a wife or never being a mom isn't as scary as the idea of not living a life that worships my Lord.
this is what's been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, i share it with you because... well, it's part of my process. feel free to give me feedback and i leave you with the question i hope to be able to answer someday with my whole being:
do i love God more than i love the happily ever after i've dreamed up?
this is a great way to start a story, but i think its also a great way to massively screw with one's mind. i know, i know i'm not the first person to comment on how fairy tales teach girls all sorts of anti-feminist things. and perhaps what i'm about to say isn't an original thought... but it is a thought i've been having so bear with me.
in a fairy tale there's always a happy ending. a street urchin becomes a sultan, a frog turns into a prince, hansel and gretel find their way home. in the end all of the dragons fought and witches battled are worth it. but that's not real life. something God has been teaching me for the last few years is that sometimes the hard stuff is just hard. there isn't always a happy ending.
the past couple of weeks i have been praying about my future. i have been asking God a lot of "why's" and "when's". my whole life i have wanted only 3 things: 1. to be a wife, 2. to be a mom, and 3. to glorify God. that's it. that's all i want. and i would cut off my arm to get those things. i always assumed that God would want me to have those things too. I mean, they're not bad, right? those are awesome and wonderful things to want. but a couple weeks ago i was reading about Joesph; sold into slavery by his brothers, blamed for all sorts of things he didn't do, thrown in jail, forgotten, left, alone. and i think i naturally jump to the end of that story. i say to myself, "well yeah, but look where he ended up." but what if joesph only wanted 3 things? what if he just wanted to grow old with his family, what if he just wanted to be with his dad and his brothers and be accepted?
God had another plan for joesph. in fact so many of the great men and women of faith had to face other plans. this subject rips up my insides. i may seem so calm and well thought out while i write this, but trust me i'm not. the idea of saying, "God you are enough" terrifies me. but as i watch people in my life who say that i am inspired that maybe i can too. and i guess, if i'm honest the idea of never being a wife or never being a mom isn't as scary as the idea of not living a life that worships my Lord.
this is what's been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, i share it with you because... well, it's part of my process. feel free to give me feedback and i leave you with the question i hope to be able to answer someday with my whole being:
do i love God more than i love the happily ever after i've dreamed up?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
just some fun...
i have some recomendations for those of you that value my opinion... for the rest of you, feel free to ignore this:
top 3 books i've read in the last month:
1. the hiding place- by corrie ten boom
2. when i don't desire god- by john piper
3. harry botter 7- by jk rowling (this was a re-read but still totally amazing)
best movie i've seen in the last month:
1. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (if you don't go see this movie you are going to die with regret)
top 5 songs that have been played OVER AND OVER in my car this month:
1. jolene- by dolly parton
2. open my eyes- by brandon heath
3. lean on me- cover by sheryl crow, kid rock, and keith urban
4. i didn't know my own strength- by whitney houston
5. heat- by asia
4 shows i'd cancel anything on anyone's tivo to make sure i got:
1. glee
2. ugly betty (but the sad news here is the last episode is airing on thurs, that doesn't mean you can't watch old episodes though)
3. in plain sight
4. the real housewives of new york (don't judge me)
1 website that is changing my life:
1. http://www.thegrilledcheesetruck.com/
top 3 books i've read in the last month:
1. the hiding place- by corrie ten boom
2. when i don't desire god- by john piper
3. harry botter 7- by jk rowling (this was a re-read but still totally amazing)
best movie i've seen in the last month:
1. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (if you don't go see this movie you are going to die with regret)
top 5 songs that have been played OVER AND OVER in my car this month:
1. jolene- by dolly parton
2. open my eyes- by brandon heath
3. lean on me- cover by sheryl crow, kid rock, and keith urban
4. i didn't know my own strength- by whitney houston
5. heat- by asia
4 shows i'd cancel anything on anyone's tivo to make sure i got:
1. glee
2. ugly betty (but the sad news here is the last episode is airing on thurs, that doesn't mean you can't watch old episodes though)
3. in plain sight
4. the real housewives of new york (don't judge me)
1 website that is changing my life:
1. http://www.thegrilledcheesetruck.com/
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
life update...
here's what's going on with chelsea lee:
1. she's offically started paying on her student loans this month (groan!).
2. her youth group is going wonderfully although she really needs some boy volunteers (prayer please)!
3. she's been meeting about twice a month with colleen and that time has been full of tears, laughter, and good food.
4. her survivor fantasy team is down to 2 players (uh-oh).
5. she loves her actual apartment, but hates the building and her landlord and since she's now in a month-month situation if she finds something better she's going for it.
6. she joined twitter and goes back and forth between hating herself and making herself laugh.
7. she's pretty convinced that cupid spiked redondo's water supply because everybody and their brother is getting married; except her (sigh).
8. her friend tyler is moving soon and she's pretty bummed to be losing her bestie.
9. she put together a mirror and used a screwdriver and everything all by herself.
and the biggest news...
10. she's started writing a book and is looking for a friend or two to volunteer to be her unofffical editors and promise to be brutually honest.
1. she's offically started paying on her student loans this month (groan!).
2. her youth group is going wonderfully although she really needs some boy volunteers (prayer please)!
3. she's been meeting about twice a month with colleen and that time has been full of tears, laughter, and good food.
4. her survivor fantasy team is down to 2 players (uh-oh).
5. she loves her actual apartment, but hates the building and her landlord and since she's now in a month-month situation if she finds something better she's going for it.
6. she joined twitter and goes back and forth between hating herself and making herself laugh.
7. she's pretty convinced that cupid spiked redondo's water supply because everybody and their brother is getting married; except her (sigh).
8. her friend tyler is moving soon and she's pretty bummed to be losing her bestie.
9. she put together a mirror and used a screwdriver and everything all by herself.
and the biggest news...
10. she's started writing a book and is looking for a friend or two to volunteer to be her unofffical editors and promise to be brutually honest.
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