earnest and honest...

'earnest' is a word that rolls off my tongue with joy and cartwheels. i love that word. i love how it sounds, i love what it means, and i love that there is an amazing play all about it with more word-play than should be allowed in three acts. 'EARNEST'. i have a harder time with 'honest'. it doesn't flow with the same ease. i've always found that the people in my life who claim to be 'honest' really just use that word as a sheild when they want to be 'obnoxious' or 'intrusive' or 'judgemental'. 'honest' doesn't ignite the same warm glow that 'earnest' does. so why the vocab lesson? well i'll tell you. each week i listen to a podcast of city church in seattle. pastor judah smith is one of the only preachers who grabs and holds my attention for a good hour. his sermons inspire me to draw closer to my Jesus. last week i was listening to him speak about prayer. he was sharing with the church about how through this season of grief they find themselves in, real prayer is so vital. their church has seen three really significant and sudden deaths and they're processing. so he's preaching about prayer- hey i'm a pastor's kid, nothing i haven't heard... or so i thought. as he spoke about coming to God earnestly i found myself in tears. i thought about my prayer life. how it has become a list of "shoulds". i remind myself to pray for my country and my students and my family and my friends and my health and my future. geez, even writing that list it all melts into one blur. when i was sixteen i would spend twenty minutes on just one prayer. whatever was on my heart. i would pray my passion. i didn't feel a knee-jerk reaction to cover my prayer bases. when i was in africa, i didn't spend my quiet times rattling off a list to God. i spent time (sometimes moments, sometimes hours) praying for things earnestly. i would listen to my heart and then i would hand it to God and ask him to make it beat in time with His. then pastor judah began the part of the sermon i don't like hearing. he began speaking the part that convicts me and makes me realize that i am broken and human and in desperate need of my God. he spoke about preaching honestly. honesty. not my strong suit. i have worked diligently to carefully craft the chelsea i want people to see. she is strong and very rarely vulnerable. it used to be the only time i dusted off real chelsea was during my prayer times. but as i look at my journal i see that strong chelsea has been making more of an appearance. even my private prayers are full of exultation that i'm just not sure i feel right now. i'm trying to prove to God and myself that i'm not scared, that i'm no angry, that i'm not hurt, that i'm not lonely. but as pastor judah reminded me: who am i kidding? God knows. He knows before the words are even off my lips. He knows. 'earnest' and i are becoming reacquainted and i am remembering why it was such a beautiful friendship in the first place. 'honest' and i still don't trust each other, but we're working on it. we're working on it.

just for the fun of it...

lately i've been blogging about many serious and thoughtful things. i've decided to take a break from all of that and instead spend some time telling you all about what i am currently obsessed with. so take notes because these are things you should also be obsessed with...

- Anthropologie: if you are not already in love with this store, you are crazy! not only is it full of amazing treasures, but the way that's decorated is an art form. sometimes i go in there just to wander around and look at the walls. yes, everything in it is totally expensive. but go in anyway and just look- every once and awhile you'll hit a sale item that will change your life.

- THIS HAIRCUT: ok ladies, let me tell you something i think some of you may not know: our hair grows back. this means that you should take chances. cut it a little shorter, color it a new shade of brown- or even something radical, like red. you own your hair, it doesn't own you. which is why i highly encourage changing it up. this is the current haircut i'm rocking. who knows what will come next?!

- Judah Smith: i heard him speak at a conference i was at a few weeks ago and his message was seriously powerful. but i wasn't convinced- speaking as someone who is in ministry- anyone can have a good night. but when i took to youtube and watched some of his other messages i realized he's the real deal. he loves God and he knows how to share that love in a sermon. check it out.

- Hipsters: they fascinate me and i think my friend matt is turning into one.

- Adele's new album- 21: OMG IT IS SO GOOD. ok, now i'm ashamed that i used "OMG" in my blog. but it is so, so good. the songs are poignant and sung so, so sweetly. this woman has major music chops.- Moleskins: so i think i am jumping onto this bandwagon a decade late... BUT i just bought my first moleskin and i am in head-over-heels, crazy, calling-and-hanging-up-when-he-answers in love (uh-oh, maybe i'm turning into a hipster)!! but i love this little journal. i love the rich red color, and how the pages are so soft. i love the little pocket on the back cover, that i still can't figure out what to use for. Moleskins, you are all i ever wanted in a journal.

- Justin Beiber: when my students first started trailing into my office professing their true love of the Beib's, i laughed. it reminded me of my obsession with N'Sync and since no one and nothing can make my heart beat like JC, i figured this kid was just another wannabe. i spent all last year mocking those with the fever. But 2 winter camps+never say never+the grammy's have made a beli-ber out of me.

ok i think this is enough for you to wade through... enjoy falling for these things, i know i have.

long time to wait...

i have had a lot swirling around in my head the past few weeks. i have been thinking about where my food comes from and what an incredible blessing it is that there is always something on my dinner table. i have been freaking out about turning 27. i have been stressed out of my mind as i try to think about what this summer will look like in programming and spirit. i have been getting excited to add another member to my family and also mourning the loss of our little foursome. so, so much. mostly i have spent so much time thinking about me. which, let's be honest, is what consumes us most of the time.

last week i went to an amazing conference. it was a gift from an incredibly generous family in our congregation. i got four days of sitting and absorbing wisdom from leaders who are older and wiser than me. i listened to andy stanley, christine kane, miles mcpherson, and so many more. it was a much needed week for me. there were three things that stood out to me and i'm going to do my best to express them here, but who knows how that will go.

the first night david platt was our closing speaker. he spoke about being radical. he charged us to live lives that reveal the extreme nature of the Jesus we follow. he reminded us that there is no time to waste. here's a quote from his talk: "we don't have time to play games with our lives. we don't have time to play games in our church. we serve a God who deserves complete devotion. if you're going to follow Him, you must give up everything you have. surely this Savior is worth more than casual church attendance. surely He is worth reckless abandonment!" WOW. i felt goosebumps all over when he said that. i was reminded that my Jesus asked me to pick up my cross and follow him. i want so desperately to let go of everything i'm holding onto and grasp hold of Him.

the second night is where my next two moments of epiphany happened. the first was during the closing speaker's talk. judah smith (who you should youtube, because his sermons are freaking amazing) spoke about what we do while waiting for God to fulfill promises He's given us. he spoke about how we wrestle in the tension of partially fulfilled promises. i realized that i've been spending my life waiting for the fulfillment of that promise. i've been holding my breath and the more purple my face turns- the angrier at God i get. i turn my head to the sky and i yell, "when?! when are you going to recognise that i've waited long enough!" but moses never reached the promised land and abraham never met the promised nation. following my Jesus depends not on what He's promised me. it depends entirely on His goodness, His power, and His calling. So Jesus gets all my days, all my nights, all of my life, all of me.

the last amazing thing that happened, happened during worship one night. they had gungor lead us in worship. i love gungor. here is a band that plays masterfully and writes lyrics that are intense and honest. i closed my eyes and listened as they strung together the drums, piano, guitars, and cello. i let the music wash over me and then it hit me. here are the lyrics to the song they were singing:

"all this pain, i wonder if i'll ever find my way. i wonder if my life could really change at all. all this earth, could all that is lost ever be found? could a garden come up from this ground at all?

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

all around hope is springing up from this old ground. out of chaos life is being found in you.

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

you make me new. you are making me new."

and then it hit me. it hit me like it always does in those moments when i stop thinking about myself and think instead, about my Jesus. i am loved. i am a broken, selfish, ugly thing. but my God, the God who parts seas and raises the dead loves me. and that love- HIS LOVE transforms me into a beautiful thing. i am being made new. my thoughts and fears and desires are slowly, very slowly being made new. it is a great and glorious thing to realize.