people need people...

today i was thinking about all the people God used to make me, me. it is a very long list. i was thinking about how there were so many people willing to pour out their lives into mine. it took a very large village to raise me. family and friends and youth leaders who were patient and loving and there when i needed them. uncle jody taught me how to tell a joke, oliver taught me what it means to stick around, lori hall gave me a passion for cooking, dani helped me see the world. i can go on and on. i needed them.

my hope is that in some small way i took those lessons and poured them into someone else. because i realize we were created for exactly two things. God took dust and breathed His breath of life upon it so that we could be loved and so that we could love.

are you loving someone? are you walking next to them no matter where the path is leading? i hope so. are you letting someone love you? are you willing to open up and let go long enough to be loved? i hope so. that's all there is.

Leaning Into It...

seattle is good for me. there is something in the air that whispers in my ear and settles in my heart. i'm happy. no, 'happy' isn't the right word. i'm content. i'm fulfilled at school and i'm getting involved in a great church. i get to see old friends that i missed so very deeply and i'm making new friends. things are probably as good as they could possibly be. 

but even though things are great i still spend a lot of time thinking about the "could be's". i find myself daydreaming about all the little things my heart desires. i spend a lot of time daydreaming about the big things too. i dream about wedding bells and babies. i dream about being debt free (no lie this is a big one! i had a dream the other night that i went to pay on my student loan and there was no more balance. best. dream. ever.). i dream about silly things like long hair without the wait and a bigger kitchen. i also dream about the big things, like the smell of an african rainstorm and the feeling of a tiny little hand in mine. i allow myself the room to live in the "could be" space.

i think that my daydreams are there for a reason. i think they give me hope when i've just about run out. i think they help me find out what my soul longs for. my daydreams have led me all over the world. so i like to lean into them. 

we're becoming a world that doesn't dream anymore. there's too many reasons not to. there's school shootings and fiscal cliffs. when we live in the clutter of the practical there's no room for the impractical. that makes me so sad. are we done telling kids to "dream big"? i hope not. are we done with "could be's", "maybe's", and "hope for's"? 

my dreams have taken me around the world. they've given me the courage to believe that the God of the universe wants to use me. my dreams have comforted me when the world around me has been cold and unforgiving. i know that not all my dreams will come true and i know that i can't spend all my time in the soft embrace of "could be". but i won't give them up. i won't lay them down. i'm going to lean into them and trust that the closer to God i get, the more my daydreams start to look like His. 

when you least expect it...

isn't it crazy to think of how God speaks to us just when we least expect it. i can't imagine that moses could see the burning bush coming, and yet, there it was- BOOM! well tonight God hit me with a bit of that fire.

tonight i visited a church plant that my friends matt and jenny are working with. the first thing i noticed was how small it all was- small room, small group of people, small (but beautiful) cross. everything felt small and then worship began. from the very first chord i felt the room grow. my God doesn't fit inside small and He transformed a small space into a cathedral. i felt His presence so powerfully there. when the service was over i couldn't help but think that matt and jenny are laboring towards something so powerful. their little church is changing the world and there's nothing small about that.

i went home after church, but God wasn't done talking to me. i got a phone call tonight from four of my favorite people: mr. ben burton, ms. anna nicles, ms. bethany brown, and ms. avalon ragone. for those of you who don't know these fantastic four are students of mine and they are the best. they are passionate and smart. they light up rooms with their smiles and humor. these students are constantly teaching me what it means to really believe that God moves mountains. they may only be high school students, but they are also warriors for God. anyway, gushing about them has gotten me off track. they called because they want to go to D.C. to participate in the demonstration that Invisible Children is organizing.

whatever your thoughts on IC, i want you to pause a minute, because where they want to go isn't actually what i want to write about. i want to write about their hearts. these four high school students live across the world from the child soldiers in africa. they've never been to uganda. they don't have to care. but they do. they care, not because of a fad or because a celebrity told them to. my students care because God gave them hearts that beat in time with His. they care because they don't want to live in a world where anyone can abuse children. so i got an excited phone call. they're brainstorming ideas of how to raise money to get to D.C. and it was during that phone call that i remembered my God doesn't do small.

i believe with every fiber of who i am that these students of mine will change the world. one day you are going to read in history books about ben and anna and bethany and avalon. their passion is going to draw the sleepers and the dreamers to the throne room of the King. i for one, can't wait for that day. i also feel so honored to get to play a tiny role in their story.

if you would like to play a role in their story too you can contact ben, anna, bethany, or avalon on their facebook pages. they are raising money and every little bit helps! let's get these kids to D.C. let them chase their passion and see where it takes them!

small moments, big blessings...

i'm laying in bed right now, the darkness is thrown around my shoulders like a warm blanket, and bingley is snuggled up next to me snoring away his dreams. and as i write, as i think and process, and put thought to form, i am overwhelmed by the place i'm in. the last few months of my life have been so unexpected that i'm not sure i can even pluck words out and place them together in a way that makes sense. so, as with all my blog posts, i'm just going to write- no grammar, no spell check, just letting my mind run rampant and my fingers click-click-click away. if you want to wade into this mess, that is up to you.

i had expectations for seminary. i expected to learn a lot and have a lot of homework. i expected to make new friends, and have to buy a winter coat. i knew that there would be a lot of change and i knew that i would not walk out of this program the same woman i was when i walked in.

and yet, even with all that preparation and forethought, i was still totally unprepared for seminary. the following is an unorganized, not well thought out, verbal upchuck of all the things that have surprised me. hopefully for those of you who are looking to this blog as some sort of update, it will serve to give you the faintest taste of my new seattle life...

i was unprepared for the crazy, swing of emotions that i would feel. one minute i am feeling excited, hopeful, competent. the next second i'm devastated, sad, insecure. i was unprepared for the sheer amount of work i'd have. i am shocked that i have time for anything but being haunched over a desk in the library. who knew that professors would want to cram centuries of thoughts and works and ideas into our brains in a smattering of weeks? and if anybody knew that was going to happen, why didn't they inform me (i'm looking at you amy klug)?? i've been unprepared for all the sun and warmth and light. thanks God for the beautiful summer with which to ease me into seattle living. i'm shocked by how easily Bingley has transitioned. he is one furry little trooper. i was unprepared for how empty my wallet would feel. i had forgotten how expensive learning can be. also it is ridiculous what seattle charges for an avocado. looks like i'm going to have to say good-bye to those till Christmas break.

the last little surprise has come to me in the shape of 20 unique men and women. they are the brothers and sisters that i am traveling through SPU with. they are my fellow wanderers and they are my soft place to land. i am in awe that i only met them a couple months ago. i have come to count on their support and prayers and wisdom. through each one i get to see a new side of our Heavenly Father. i laugh with them. i study with them. i cry with them. i make ridiculous youtube videos with them. they are there for each of the small moments. they are the biggest blessing.

blink and you'll miss it...

i've been waiting to write this post because i wasn't quite sure what i wanted to say. my heart is bursting full and i just want to crack it open and spill it out on the page. unfortunately, my doctor doesn't recommend that, so i'm left to try and find words instead- buckle up... 

in my life there have been moments when i knew i was getting a glimpse of heaven. they don't happen very often, but every once and a while God pulls back the curtain and gives me a teeny tiny taste of forever. i'm always left with such a sweet flavor on my lips. last week was one of those moments for me. who knew that when i was packing for summer camp, i was actually packing for a week firmly in the embrace of my Abba. 

i knew this was going to be a special camp for me because it's the last one. it was my last week with my wonderful, messy, loud, over-enthusiastic, compassionate, little monsters. as the bus pulled into the parking lot i flashed back to three years earlier when i took my first group of students to camp. i thought about how we had 6 kids with us and how they had no idea what they were in for. this year we had a little over 30 kids and they couldn't wait to get started. 

forest home gets it right every year. but man, this year they were firing on all cylinders. every inch of camp was wonderful. let it be known that God was in all of it. He was in the cheers during the games. He smiled with pride as the students dispersed into quiet time. Our Savior radiated his pleasure during worship and the talks. the things that make up the week are always great, but they aren't why i take my students there. we drag our sleeping bags up to forest home because of the rafik's and the vicki's and the nate's and the andrew's. we fund raise so that we can put our kids in the same room as the joel's and the ashley's and the mallory's. we answer many parent questions and make sure we have all our medical forms because it is absolutely necessary that our students get to meet the aaron's and syd's. 

i was acutely aware that this was going to be my swan song. in part because my students wouldn't let me forget it. their favorite game of the week was "make chelsea cry"- which is sweet if you know them. and each day i woke up counting down our last moments together. my biggest fear was that in my time at RLC i made only an earthly impact. my biggest worry was that my kiddos never really met Jesus. because without Jesus i might as well just be working for an after school program. and each morning i would drag myself up to counselor coffee and wonder if the beautiful faces still asleep in their bunks were dreaming of the only thing that really matters. 

the last day of camp we had church debrief and i got to listen to my campers share about their week. i sat there dumbfounded as they described feeling the holy spirit for the first time or as they talked about the questions they asked God during quiet time. i just sat there, tears rolling down my face as they expressed the love that was growing in their hearts for God and it was in those moments that i knew i had done what God sent me to RLC to do: i got out of the way and let Him love my students. when it was my turn i only had the words to thank them- my students, here are some of the things i said:

thank you for teaching me to be brave. thank you for teaching me to love fiercely and without condition. you have shown me what it means to believe in miracles. it is because of you that i learned what a real belly laugh is. you have taught me that sometimes it is more important to do doughnuts in the church parking lot while blasting justin beiber than it is to have bible study. you made me stronger, tenacious, free and helped me loosen up. you shine so brightly and i know you're going to change the world. so thank you for teaching me so much more than i ever taught you.

i wish i could have had "leader debrief" so that i could have said some important things to the other group of people i love so much. but since "leader debrief" doesn't exist, here are my last thank you's to the "grown-ups" (notice that is in quotes) who walked with me last week. so listen up peter and creekside staff because this is aimed at you:

thank you for your patience. thank you for loving my students, even when they make that incredibly hard to do. thank you for teaching me you don't always need a plan. you have taught me what it means to lead. you have taught me how to live my life gracefully. you have shown me that i can walk the tightrope between 'friend' and 'leader'. you have kept my secrets and shared my giggles. but more than anything you helped me carry a weight. you have let me lean on you when i am about to fall over. i am so full of love for you. i am overflowing with thankfulness for the blessing you all are in my life. 

so this chapter of my life ends. as of july 29th i will no longer be the student ministries director at resurrection lutheran church. it was a chapter full of twists and turns, tears and fears. i can't imagine the next chapter being nearly as great. but i turn to it with anticipation. stay tuned...

cha-cha-changes...

i'm not quite sure where to start here and so bear with me if this blog veers wildly off course. if i was asked to describe myself in just a handful of words among the obvious choices (brilliant, beautiful, mother theresa-esque...) i would say "adventerous". and a lot of people would agree with that. i mean i've been to africa for pete's sake! surely i am a thrill seeker- someone who throws caution to the wind and just jumps into the giant abyss of the unknown. however, these past few weeks i've learned that in fact, i hate adventure. i. hate. it. because adventure is the passionate lover of change and those two bastards won't be satisfied until i'm dead.

i am about to take this giant leap and i'm terrified. i'm scared that i'm making a mistake. i'm scared that i'll hate it or mess my life up somehow. probably more than anything else i'm scared that it won't live up to the expectations that i've built.

and as i think back to each of the "adventerous" decisions i've made in my life, i realize that i didn't really make them. if it had been up to me i would have stayed completely stationary. i would have kept my feet on solid ground and left the flying up to the professionals. but here's a truth i know: God wants us to feel the wind in our hair. thankfully my God hasn't let me stay on the ground for too long. at just the right moments He pushes my arms upward. He lifts my eyes to the clouds and He tosses me off the biggest cliff He can find. and in moments of flight i can't help but think about how lucky i am to be soaring.

so even though there's still a brass band pounding away on my insides, even though at night it sometimes takes me hours to fall asleep because i'm listing potential horrible outcomes in my mind, and even though every time i think about leaving my students and my family i start to cry. even though the mountains are crumbling into the sea and the sky is on fire, i am going to fly. i am going to let myself be carried by the breeze. i am going to trust my God. He hasn't let me down yet.

Finding Mr. Bingley...

so today i did my favorite morning activity: i logged into my computer and scoped out my friend maryann's blog. it is my favorite place. while there i find humor, honesty, sorrow, joy, hope, and best of all: OZ! oz is maryann's cat. i hate cats and i have never met oz but somehow deep in my soul, i know that oz and i would be friends. anyway she had posted the story of how she came to bring oz home. i loved it. so, because i steal all my best blog ideas from maryann, here's the story of how mr. bingley came into my life, heart, and how he's changed everything.

i'd been wanting a dog since i was in college. well, that's not true. i'd been wanting the idea of a dog. i liked the idea of walking with a cute little furry guy. i liked the idea of bumping into fellow dog owners around town and talking about our dogs. i liked the idea of turning my life into a reese witherspoon movie when my dog wrapped his leash around the legs of a handsome stranger. i'd even picked a name for my not yet real pup: MR. BINGLEY (he's the real prize in pride and prejudice)! all these things sounded great, but the reality of picking up poop, spending tons of money, and having to basically find a baby-sitter if i wanted to leave the house for longer than 4 hours did not sound wonderful. so i put my pet ownership ideas aside.

a few years later i was living with my parents and my life felt so without color. i felt sad most of the time and couldn't quite place why. i barely saw my friends. i felt stuck. one night i was hanging out with my friends kevin and colleen and i was meeting their brand new puppy, zoey. she was so sweet and little. they told me they'd adopted her and her brother was still without a home. kevin told me that they hadn't been able to decide between her and her brother and showed me this picture of the dog that had been left behind.

i wanted him. but i lived with my parents and they had a dog and they had been very clear that if i wanted a pet it would have to be under another roof. but i thought i would try anyway. so i called my mom and kevin (who is much better at convincing my mom to do what i want her to do) started texting her. but she remained unmoved. there was no way she was giving it. i had heard that tone in her voice before. she meant business.

the next morning i went downstairs and my mom was sitting at the breakfast table. as i sat down to have a bowl of cereal, she told me that she had changed her mind and i could get the puppy. my first thought was that she had been taken over by body snatchers, but i didn't really care because the body snatchers were on my side. i sent an email to the founder of the puppy adoption organization and claimed mr. bingley (at the time named "skully") as my own. about a week later i drove to north torrance and picked up the tiniest little ball of fur i had ever met.

this was our first moment together



i can't really describe what having this little man has meant to me. partly because i don't want to be that person. you know, the one who talks about their pets like they're people. the person who you think is pathetic because they love their animals so much. my head knows that bingley is just a dog. but my heart, my heart believes something completely different. my heart knows that mr. bingley saved me. this year was a hard one for me. there's been a lot of change. there's been a lot of things that have left me wanting to hide under my blankets and never come out. but this dog makes me laugh. he snuggles up to me while i watch trashy tv. he loves me unconditionally and he needs me. he relys on me. he trusts me. he also steals my socks, chews up my shoes, pees in the house, and eats the electric cord of my very expensive hair straightener. but he's all mine and i'm all his.

he's gotten a lot bigger since i brought his 2 lbs of fur home. he now weighs in at around 30 lbs. but he's just as cute as he was on that first day. do you want to know what changed my mom's mind? of course you do, it's the best mystery in this post. she said during her quiet time that morning as she was praying, God told her to let me have the dog. as always my Abba knew exactly what i needed and made sure i got it. ok, enjoy these gratuitous pictures of bingley...