with the wind at my back...

i've been saving this post. i didn't want to publish it until i'd had a chance to tell my students that i was moving and i didn't want to publish it until i'd had a chance to really think about what i want to say. well both of those things have happened and so now i get to dive in! the following is specifically for the 6th-12th graders who have changed my whole life...

to my crazy little monsters who i love so much:
i'm not sure you know how much you mean to me and i want to take this chance to tell you. because you should know. you should know that you took my life and turned it upside down. you should know that my faith and my heart will never be the same because of you.
here's what you've taught me...
you've taught me to believe in miracles. i thought i already knew that one, but i had let my cynicism and fear slowly wipe it away. but here you are, believing. you've reminded me that there is no mountain too big. you've shown me that 12 teenagers can raise $14,000 or that with prayer all our hurts can be healed. you've shown me that when we believe, when we really believe, we can move mountains.
you have reminded me to laugh and not a polite giggle- but a loud "head-thrown-back" belly laugh. when i am with you i lose track of time, i forget to be sad or annoyed or angry. we laugh till our sides ache. we laugh till we're out of breath. we laugh at the crazy things you do. you drag joy into every crack of that youth room. there is nothing i love more than listening to you tell me about your day and laughing at your stories. you remind me that our God wants us to hold tightly to hope.
you've shown me to welcome everyone. i am so impressed with how you open your hearts and your arms to others. you do your best to be a group that welcomes everyone. you are a safe place. you've made our youth group a safe place. i love watching you at camp as you run to the forest home staff and show them how happy you are to be there. i love watching as you bring your friends to events. i love hearing you stick up for each other. thank you for teaching me that everyone deserves a place that they are seen.
You have taught me not to be ashamed of the gospel. you proclaim loudly, that you love Jesus! you bring friends to church, even friends who may not want to be there. you talk about the bible and prayer and your relationship with our Savior. you love God with all that you are and that is a light that shines so brightly.
i want you to know this: no matter how far apart we are, i hold you in my heart. there is no distance that will make me forget you. there aren't enough miles in our galaxy to separate you from my prayers and my love. you are seen. you are heard. you are loved. you are loved. you are loved. seattle is a long way away, but our hearts are tied together and there is nothing that can untangle that knot!
love always and forever,
chelsea

breathe in, breathe out, repeat...

this beautiful, crisp sunday morning i am meditating on this scripture and reminding myself that my God is in control. He is big enough for all my fear and worry and He is directing my path.

1 John 3:18-21
the message

"My dear children, let's not just talk about love, let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him."

wednesday's joy moment...

there are some days when i am overwhelmed by the belssings God has given me. there is so much i have to be grateful for. and i am realizing that i don't talk often enough of the great things in my life. so... today i am going to spend this blog just writing about one blessing. my prayer is that as you read this it will remind you of the joy in your own life.


so today i want to reflect on the blessing it is to work with my kiddos. i am often surprised by how much joy my job brings me. my students are thoughtful, caring, compassionate, hilarious, and have such strength. they work hard. the believe they can change the world. they love God. they love each other. they laugh and scream and shout and sing.

some of my favorite moments with them have been watching them worship. they worship God like He's standing right in front of them. that's amazing. i know adults who don't worship that way. it took me years to feel comfortable enough to worship like that. but that's who they are. they throw their hands in the air, they clap- even if it's off beat and no one else is clapping. they smile up at the sky and whisper their love to our GOD. it is sacred to watch them worship.

i also can't get enough of their stories. they can talk for days about an adventure they had or something funny that happened at school. i love it that they pour into the youth room on thursday night bursting to tell me about their day. i love that for them, i am a safe place. i love that they want to talk and share.

these students are my everything. they are the best part of my week. they challenge me and push me and drive me up a wall. but i am so, so, so, incredibly blessed to know them.

i love all of you so much! that never changes! no matter where you go or what you do, i want you to know that my love follows you.

bent- not broken...

this week God spoke to me in the most unlikely of places- which is so like Him. i'm always surprised by how surprised i am when i hear God's heart in a place seemingly devoid of Him. because let's be honest, God is everywhere, and no where is too far to His voice.

anyway, this week i watched a new nbc pilot called "bent". it's a typical sitcom and seemingly extremely dumb. but i love amanda peet (one of the stars) and thought i'd give the first episode a try. besides lately, all i've wanted to do is hide away from the world behind that glowing tv of mine. life has been a bit too harsh, reality slightly too jarring and i've been looking to escape. of course i should have known that there's no escaping my Abba, and even if there was, why would i want to???

there was a moment in the show when one of the characters was explaining a recent string of bad luck and he said, "i may be bent, but i'm not broken."

bent- not broken.

i have to say that i'm a little shocked at how much those words spoke to me. it's the perfect description of exactly how i feel. and i know that no matter what happens around me, no matter how much sorrow and pain and confusion and fear that comes my way, my God is bigger. my God is greater. my God is higher than any other.

bent. not broken.

paper hearts and chocolate...

usually i am one of those annoying girls who pretends to hate valentines day but secretly loves it and is just in a horrible mood because she doesn't have a valentine. but today i woke up with a great relization. today is a day we celebrate love and there are lots of people that i love and that love me back. HENCE (yes, i did just scream "hence" at you) the following is a list (not at all comprehensible) of my valentines. please to enjoy.

the thought i'm having today...

"who hasn't at some point been seduced by a map? maps are like mirrors in the room of your mind, expanding to the very edges of the globe."

my boys...

this past weekend i did what every good youth leader does: i took 18 kiddos up to forest home for some winter camp wonder. forest home is a place that holds special memories for me. my grandparents helped to build the very first tee-pee at indian village (a name that back then was great but today is a teensy bit racist). as a camper i attended forest home every summer and winter. once i was old enough i began to go as a counselor. when i go to forest home i really do feel like i am returning to the place where my faith first stretched it's legs. it's like i'm lucy and i'm going back to narnia (if you don't get that reference you are either one of my students or we aren't real friends).

usually i am so excited for camp. i pack days before and i can't sleep because i'm so amped to revisit those tall trees and milkshakes. but this year i've had so much on my plate, i was so tired, and just convinced that there wasn't anything left for God to teach me in the mountains. but yet again, God proved me wrong.

i have so many stories i want to share from this weekend. i'm sure there will be plenty of blogs about the adventures. but this time i want to tell you about one moment- one small, subtle, life affirming moment with my boys.

i've always been very comfortable in a roomful of boys. the noise, dirt, chaos, and smells don't bother me (usually). as a leader in youth ministry i have a special affection for those lopsided grins and inability to filter. throughout the years i have been collecting boys, the ones who i get to mother and laugh with and tell not to jump off bridges just because they think it will be "awesome" become mine. i get the immense privilege of loving them. but collecting boys is more painful than collecting baseball cards. as they grow up, often they decide that the God who is everything to me, isn't everything to them. they become logical and cynical and the joy of faith slowly slips away from them. there is nothing more devastating than seeing the boys who i've poured all i have into decide a relationship with God isn't everything to them. it makes me want to give up completely.

but this weekend God gave me a present. he helped to remind me why i continue to love and work and pray. one of my very special boys went with me as a counselor this year. patrick is one of my best boys. he is smart and sweet and funny. he has plenty of reasons not to open up his heart, but he doesn't let the circumstances of the world harden him. this weekend i had the joy of seeing him with my new boys. i watched as he poured himself into them. i watched as he laughed with them and told them stories and teased them. and that would have been enough. it would have been enough to remind me that this job i do is exactly what i was created for. but as usual, God had something so much bigger planned.

the last morning at forest home the band lets the kids pour into the aisles and onto the stage. they play worship songs like it's the last music anyone will ever hear. our church happened to be sitting in the front so i had a great view of the organized chaos. i was singing when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. patrick had brought up his cabin of boys to the front. they were standing in a little half circle with patrick behind them. all of them had their hands in the air and their heads thrown back, singing at the top of their lungs. and there was patrick, behind them with his arms around their shoulders. i watched as my old boy worshipped jesus with my new boys and my eyes filled with tears.

that small moment is why i put up with longs nights and church politics. that moment is why i let small minded and critical comments roll off my back. it's why i know no matter how much i mess up God is always turning my mistakes into His glory. watching a boy i discipled and loved and prayed for, love and disciple and pray for new boys is everything. it's everything.