breathe in, breathe out, repeat...

this beautiful, crisp sunday morning i am meditating on this scripture and reminding myself that my God is in control. He is big enough for all my fear and worry and He is directing my path.

1 John 3:18-21
the message

"My dear children, let's not just talk about love, let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him."

wednesday's joy moment...

there are some days when i am overwhelmed by the belssings God has given me. there is so much i have to be grateful for. and i am realizing that i don't talk often enough of the great things in my life. so... today i am going to spend this blog just writing about one blessing. my prayer is that as you read this it will remind you of the joy in your own life.


so today i want to reflect on the blessing it is to work with my kiddos. i am often surprised by how much joy my job brings me. my students are thoughtful, caring, compassionate, hilarious, and have such strength. they work hard. the believe they can change the world. they love God. they love each other. they laugh and scream and shout and sing.

some of my favorite moments with them have been watching them worship. they worship God like He's standing right in front of them. that's amazing. i know adults who don't worship that way. it took me years to feel comfortable enough to worship like that. but that's who they are. they throw their hands in the air, they clap- even if it's off beat and no one else is clapping. they smile up at the sky and whisper their love to our GOD. it is sacred to watch them worship.

i also can't get enough of their stories. they can talk for days about an adventure they had or something funny that happened at school. i love it that they pour into the youth room on thursday night bursting to tell me about their day. i love that for them, i am a safe place. i love that they want to talk and share.

these students are my everything. they are the best part of my week. they challenge me and push me and drive me up a wall. but i am so, so, so, incredibly blessed to know them.

i love all of you so much! that never changes! no matter where you go or what you do, i want you to know that my love follows you.

bent- not broken...

this week God spoke to me in the most unlikely of places- which is so like Him. i'm always surprised by how surprised i am when i hear God's heart in a place seemingly devoid of Him. because let's be honest, God is everywhere, and no where is too far to His voice.

anyway, this week i watched a new nbc pilot called "bent". it's a typical sitcom and seemingly extremely dumb. but i love amanda peet (one of the stars) and thought i'd give the first episode a try. besides lately, all i've wanted to do is hide away from the world behind that glowing tv of mine. life has been a bit too harsh, reality slightly too jarring and i've been looking to escape. of course i should have known that there's no escaping my Abba, and even if there was, why would i want to???

there was a moment in the show when one of the characters was explaining a recent string of bad luck and he said, "i may be bent, but i'm not broken."

bent- not broken.

i have to say that i'm a little shocked at how much those words spoke to me. it's the perfect description of exactly how i feel. and i know that no matter what happens around me, no matter how much sorrow and pain and confusion and fear that comes my way, my God is bigger. my God is greater. my God is higher than any other.

bent. not broken.

my boys...

this past weekend i did what every good youth leader does: i took 18 kiddos up to forest home for some winter camp wonder. forest home is a place that holds special memories for me. my grandparents helped to build the very first tee-pee at indian village (a name that back then was great but today is a teensy bit racist). as a camper i attended forest home every summer and winter. once i was old enough i began to go as a counselor. when i go to forest home i really do feel like i am returning to the place where my faith first stretched it's legs. it's like i'm lucy and i'm going back to narnia (if you don't get that reference you are either one of my students or we aren't real friends).

usually i am so excited for camp. i pack days before and i can't sleep because i'm so amped to revisit those tall trees and milkshakes. but this year i've had so much on my plate, i was so tired, and just convinced that there wasn't anything left for God to teach me in the mountains. but yet again, God proved me wrong.

i have so many stories i want to share from this weekend. i'm sure there will be plenty of blogs about the adventures. but this time i want to tell you about one moment- one small, subtle, life affirming moment with my boys.

i've always been very comfortable in a roomful of boys. the noise, dirt, chaos, and smells don't bother me (usually). as a leader in youth ministry i have a special affection for those lopsided grins and inability to filter. throughout the years i have been collecting boys, the ones who i get to mother and laugh with and tell not to jump off bridges just because they think it will be "awesome" become mine. i get the immense privilege of loving them. but collecting boys is more painful than collecting baseball cards. as they grow up, often they decide that the God who is everything to me, isn't everything to them. they become logical and cynical and the joy of faith slowly slips away from them. there is nothing more devastating than seeing the boys who i've poured all i have into decide a relationship with God isn't everything to them. it makes me want to give up completely.

but this weekend God gave me a present. he helped to remind me why i continue to love and work and pray. one of my very special boys went with me as a counselor this year. patrick is one of my best boys. he is smart and sweet and funny. he has plenty of reasons not to open up his heart, but he doesn't let the circumstances of the world harden him. this weekend i had the joy of seeing him with my new boys. i watched as he poured himself into them. i watched as he laughed with them and told them stories and teased them. and that would have been enough. it would have been enough to remind me that this job i do is exactly what i was created for. but as usual, God had something so much bigger planned.

the last morning at forest home the band lets the kids pour into the aisles and onto the stage. they play worship songs like it's the last music anyone will ever hear. our church happened to be sitting in the front so i had a great view of the organized chaos. i was singing when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. patrick had brought up his cabin of boys to the front. they were standing in a little half circle with patrick behind them. all of them had their hands in the air and their heads thrown back, singing at the top of their lungs. and there was patrick, behind them with his arms around their shoulders. i watched as my old boy worshipped jesus with my new boys and my eyes filled with tears.

that small moment is why i put up with longs nights and church politics. that moment is why i let small minded and critical comments roll off my back. it's why i know no matter how much i mess up God is always turning my mistakes into His glory. watching a boy i discipled and loved and prayed for, love and disciple and pray for new boys is everything. it's everything.

my year in review...

well kitty-cats:

it's that time once again; for some reason i just feel that my first blog of a new year, must include some sort of unpacking of the year before it. so please to enjoy, my year in review

the 3 best student moments of 2011:

- when ricky told me he was going to quit soccer because it was getting in the way of church

- when avalon said she wanted to live the life God had for her, not the life she has for her

- when vince, waffs, and ricky helped strangers unload their luggage at camp, wearing superhero costumes.

the 3 best family moments of 2011:

- when i got a sister-in-law

- when emery was born

- moving back in with my momma and dad

the 3 best friend moments of 2011:

- going on the cruise to mexico with rachel and the ladies

- patrick's wedding

- valentines dates with jenna

the 3 best God moments of 2011:

- summer camp with the kiddos

- catalyst

- preschool chapel

the 3 best chelsea moments of 2011:

- finally coming to grips with everything dr. palameno has been telling me for years and accepting the PCOS

- getting Bingley

- trusting myself

what would you do...

i am about to admit something majorly embarrassing...
i am addicted to oprah's lifeclass. i watched all the episodes. i loved them. i cried every. single. time. yes it is ridiculous. yes i am ashamed. but i learned something and because i promise to always share the wealth, i've decided to take to my blog and share the info with ya'll.

when i came home from south africa the whole world felt upside down. i'd left home for a year and while i was gone i changed and grew. but when i came home everything seemed as if it had stood still. this was a really unnerving feeling. i wish i could crack open my brain and let you take a peek at the havoc i was in the middle of. i went about my daily life as normally as i could, but inside the teeniest chores seemed like mountains. it was often that i'd get in my car and start driving to the grocery store or church and i'd just weep. i'd have to pull over to the side of the road so i wouldn't crash.

my first christmas home marked a really important anniversary for me. the previous year i was breathing sweet, sweet south african air and staring at a completely different set of stars. so, that first christmas back in the land of southern california was hard. about a week before christmas i asked God for a very special miracle. i asked him to bring me back to africa, even if only for an hour. i knew it was crazy, but that's all i wanted. i just wanted one moment back where my heart first learned to beat.

a couple days after i prayed that prayer i happened to be flipping through channels and i landed on an episode of oprah. i never watched oprah (i was young and hadn't yet realized the awesome power of the o) but for some reason i decided to just watch for a few minutes. that was the beginning of my miracle. when i had been in africa we kept hearing that oprah was there too. we'd visit an orphanage and the workers would tell us stories of how they had met oprah. i hadn't really thought much of it. but a year later i was watching an episode where oprah showed the footage of her time in south africa. for an hour, i got to see the places i had walked and she even interviewed people i had met. she held babies i had held. God gave me my hour and oh how precious that hour was.

ok you're probably wondering what all that has to do with the amazing lesson i learned. a couple days ago oprah re aired some of the footage from that episode. she was talking about how she learned to take chances and see the joy in life. then she posed this question: "what would you do if you weren't afraid?"

i started thinking about the chelsea that went to africa. the girl who got on a plane with 12 people she had only known for three months. the girl who spoke in prisons, hammered nails, sat by bedsides, and believed there was nothing too big for her Jesus. it's been almost 10 years since that trip. in those 10 years i have let fear creep back into my life. i have forgotten that i am a daughter of the most high God. i have let my God get small, but "small" isn't a word you can use to describe Yahweh.

oprah's question is a good one. but if i was posing it, i would word it a little bit differently. WHAT WOULD YOU LET GOD DO IF YOU WEREN'T AFRAID? let Him work through you. let Him give you miracles. trust Him with the most tender parts of your heart. if you do you just might see mountains move and what a sight that would be.

questions...

i get a lot of questions throughout my day...

some of the business ones sound like this:
"have you turned in your budget proposal?"
"are there still spots for winter camp?"
"what time should i drop my kid off for the event on saturday?"

some of the personal ones sound like this:
"do you want to grab coffee and catch up this week?"
"are you done using the washing machine?"
"what should we make for dinner?"

but the most important questions are the ones that sound like this:
"do you think God is listening to my prayers?"
"do my parents love me?"
"will it ever get better?"

now i think what i find the most frustrating is that the most important questions are the ones that i just don't have concrete answers for. the most horrible aspect of my job is that i don't have an answer that washes away the pain and uncertainty of life. these students i work with are wonderful and smart. they're compassionate and so hilarious. so when they look at me and ask me the BIG, SCARY questions i just want to be able to give them an answer. but i don't have one.

so here's what the questions i ask sound like:
"God, am i doing a good job?"
"God, how do i love people the way you would?"
"God, will you help me?"

never underestimate an 8th grader...

here's some of the reasons why i love my job...

1. no one makes me laugh like my boys. shout out to jake, patrick, jay, matt, ricky, waffles, vincent, dillon, and taylor!
2. i learn all about what's in fashion from the greatest girls ever created.
3. i still get to go to camp.
4. i have these amazing conversations about life and love and God.
5. ricky's bucket dance.
6. each day looks different, nothing is ever stagnate.
7. i get to watch as students, who aren't even young enough to vote, work to change the world. i get to help them get involved and love people the way God created them to love.
8. listening to my kiddos sing worship songs.
9. avalon. period. need i say more?
10. watching the kids that i love and adore and pray for grow up and begin to love and adore and pray for others. there is no better moment than when i realize that the faith i hold so closely is as important to my students as it is to me.

A Year to Grow...

this morning i finished david platt's book "Radical". i've been reading it for most of the summer and honestly, i must say that until today i would have said it's good, but not life changing. each chapter i read i would agree with what he was saying, but i just couldn't seem to see why i needed to read it. i thought to myself, "chelsea, this is a book for those people who haven't been on mission trips. this is for the Christians that just show up on sunday and don't love God the way you do." sometimes i am disgusted by my own ego. the good news is whenever that nasty pride manages to creep up, God knocks me down a peg or two.

i read the last chapter today. it was all about taking a year to devote completely to God. there were five commitments that the reader could make for the next year to begin to show them how to live their lives radically. as i read the words i realized that i need this challenge so desperately. most days i use my job and my family to hide behind.

i lived in africa, so it doesn't matter that i spend more time at the movies or watching TV than i do at the feet of my Savior.
i work at a church, so i don't need to find a place in my community to serve- i am serving!
my money is mine, so i can spend it on whatever i want.
God gets my weekdays- so the weekends belong to me.

these are lies that i tell myself, maybe not consciously, but i tell them nonetheless. the thing is that God asks for so much more of me. He asks me to leave my mother and father, pick up my cross and follow Him. How have i let the devil convince me that those words are tepid? i have grown comfortable and it's made me lazy. so, i'm taking david platt's challenge. i've decided to spend the next full year following the steps below. my hope is that each one will help me turn my eyes off of myself and put them back on the Father. my greatest desire is that i will live my life in such a way that brings glory to God.

i'm sharing the specifics so that you dear blog, can help keep me accountable. ask me how it's going! also if you want to join me, i think that would be great!

1. Pray for the entire world: for the next year i will spend time regularly in prayer for the world. i'm going to get a giant map of the world and put it up in my room or office and i'm going to spend time praying over each country.

2. Read the entire Word: the only way to truly know what God wants from us is to listen to His words. the best place for that is the Bible. this year i will start in Genesis and work my way through to Revelation. although this is something i've done before, i want to use each day's reading as a way to listen. i want to see what God has for me in these words.

3. Sacrifice your money for a specific purpose: this is going to be hard. not to toot my own horn, but i am pretty good with my finances. i like to think that because of that i am allowed to "treat myself" from time to time. this is how i end up with more clothes than i could possibly need or a new book when i still haven't finished the last one. but i also think that this is the challenge where i will learn the most. so... i'm making a commitment to look over my budget, anywhere that's not deemed a "necessity" is going to get cut. OUCH! i'm going to pray about a cause or non-profit and i will donate that extra cash for the next 12 months.

4. Spend time in another context: when i read what was in this section, i felt like i was already accomplishing this. basically this just means to serve. serve locally, and serve internationally. platt encourages his readers to find a way to get their hands dirty. and again i immediately went, "yes! i've got this covered!" but just because my job has service woven into it doesn't mean that there isn't more of me to give. i can't remember the last time i visited the elderly in the hospital or served at a soup kitchen or went on a mission trip just because God asked me to and not for my job. so i'm going to find a way to give this year. not because i have students who need to see how important it is but because I AM A STUDENT WHO NEEDS TO SEE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS.

5. commit your life to a multiplying community: translation: get involved in a local church. done and done.

so that's it. that's how i'm spending my year. i want to end with a quote from this book. i think it sums up everything with words i just don't have:

"You and I have an average of about seventy or eighty years on this earth. During these years we are bombarded with the temporary. Make money. Get stuff. Be comfortable. Live well. Have fun. In the middle of it all, we get blinded to the eternal. But it's there. You and I stand on the porch of eternity. Both of us will soon stand before God to give an account for our stewardship of the time, the resources, the gifts, and ultimately the gospel he has entrusted to us. When that day comes, I am convinced we will not wish we had given more of ourselves to living the American dream. We will not wish we had made more money, acquired more stuff, lived more comfortably, taken more vacations, watched more television, pursued greater retirement, or been more successful in the eyes of this world. Instead we will wish we had given more of ourselves to living for the day when every nation, tribe, people, and language will bow around the throne and sing the praises of the Savior who delights in radical obedience and the God who deserves eternal worship. Are you read to live for this dream? let's not waver any longer."

Kevin's Last Stand...

i spent last week with the beautiful faces in the above picture. we battled mice in the cabin, played in the lake, learned memory verses, and laughed. in fact we spent most of the week laughing. each night as i lay down to sleep i would go over that day in my mind and i'd smile. there was such joy saturated in each day. it's hardly believable that 24 hours could be so full. and as i think about my students and what they will take away from the week i feel so blessed.

i pray they remember that they are loved. they are loved with a depth and a width that cannot be measured. they are loved by their home church that sent them to camp. they are loved by their parents that made sure they'd packed bug spray and sent care packages. they are loved by their counselors who were willing to let them stay up way past their bedtime. they are loved by the staff at forest home who give up their summers in order to teach them who Jesus is. they are loved by the God of the universe. they are loved by the God who created rivers and mountains. and of course they loved by me. sometimes i think my heart will burst with how much i love them. i love their crazy stories and the wild predicaments they manage to get themselves into. i love their hearts and their sweet smiles.

i know my students will look back on the week we just had and remember these friendships they made. they built dams together and made crafts together. i know they will laugh when they think of how they put war paint on their faces and charged onto the field for games together. those friendships will hold them when the wind is at their back and wolves are howling at the door.

this special group of students will have so many memories of this camp. but the one that i hope they hold onto carefully is what they learned about God. i hope they grasp tightly to the knowledge that there is nothing greater than a relationship with Him. i want them to rest fully, knowing beyond any doubt that with God they can change our world. i know the seeds were planted this week and now i will wait and watch God water them.

forest home changed my life. from the very first summer that Camper Chelsea threw her duffel bag onto a bunk at Indian Village to this last week while Counselor Chelsea made sure all her campers were drinking plenty of water. there's magic in the air. i can only hope that my kiddos will be as changed as i was by those big trees...

a season for everything...

in my life i have been sure, without any trace of doubt, that the God of the universe who created glowworms and colors, created me too. i know that i am me and that there isn't anyone else like me. there's only one chelsea. well, ok that's a lie, there are tons of chelsea's, but you know what i mean. for the most part i like that. generally speaking i am proud of the woman i am. i didn't come by her easily.

but i think, as with everyone, there are moments where the chelsea i am just doesn't seem to be enough. there are times when i look at my behavior and i am ashamed. some mornings when i look in the mirror i hate the face i see staring back and if i'm honest, it is a rare morning when i look in the mirror and walk out of my room totally satisfied with everything i saw. just like everyone else i am broken and damaged. as my brother prepares to get married the question i hear more than anything else is: "are you ok?" i think the thought process is that if he's getting married, then i must be freaking out because i'm not. do you want to know a secret? i am a little bit. so the following is what i've been wrestling with, it's honest and raw and not well thought out, so feel free to bail on this post if you want.

growing up i wanted only one thing. i wanted to blend in. i just wanted to be beige. but from my earliest memories i have felt different. my brain never understood math the same way everyone else's did and so i had to work with tutors and go to a special class. my back couldn't stand straight on it's own, so i wore a brace and went to the doctor. i was sure that the girl i was would never be enough. to be honest, i hated me. i spent a lot of time and effort hiding that. but i hated me. i decided at a very young age that i would have to gauge my worth based on how other people valued me. and i placed my confidence in the idea of some man loving me someday.

i've been thinking a lot about that time in my life lately. i have been thinking about the girl i was. she was so scared of herself. she was so easily intimidated. i thought i had put her to rest. i thought that with time and therapy, and mostly with africa that she had disappeared. but i find there are still remnants of her.

when i was in africa i got to touch the face of God. it was these few short months when i never thought of how i looked. i never compared myself to others. i wasn't worried about blending into the background. i was too busy marveling over the tiny fingers and sweet smell of the babies we held. i was consumed with hammering the nails into the right places on the houses we built. i spent my mornings with my bible and my heart open to our Savior. in africa i breathed easy. i'm home now and my life is too full of junk. it's too full of noise. i've been so focused on finishing school, finding a job, finding a husband, making babies, putting money into a retirement fund and the further those goals have seemed the more depressed i've become. but my life won't ever be about those things. my God didn't create me that way.

he made me to be someone who cries every single time she thinks of children around the world who don't have enough to eat. he made me someone with something to say and a voice loud enough to make people listen. God made me a woman who wants to change the world more than she wants to change diapers (and believe me, there are very few things i want as badly as the chance to change diapers). there is a season for everything and hopefully someday i will get my season of marriage and babies. but, if i don't. if that never comes, i'll be ok. in fact i'll be better than ok, because i will settle for nothing less than living my life at the feet of my Jesus.

it isn't easy to write that, because i don't always believe it. but i am finding that in the moments of weakness. in the times when i want to crawl into my bed and never come out, i get two choices. i can either let my fear and sadness overwhelm me or i can snuggle into the arms of my creator and whisper for him to kiss my boo-boo and make it all better.

so those of you who read this, i want you to take two important things away from this blog. #1- i am ok. i have good days and bad days. but mostly i am at peace because i know that whatever happens, i'm strong enough to figure it out and i trust my God enough to live whatever life He has planned for me. #2- don't let your own hurts and fear and insecurities stop you from seeing the miracle that you are. don't let the voice in your head get bigger than God's. trust Him. i promise that there is nothing as sweet as that.

earnest and honest...

'earnest' is a word that rolls off my tongue with joy and cartwheels. i love that word. i love how it sounds, i love what it means, and i love that there is an amazing play all about it with more word-play than should be allowed in three acts. 'EARNEST'. i have a harder time with 'honest'. it doesn't flow with the same ease. i've always found that the people in my life who claim to be 'honest' really just use that word as a sheild when they want to be 'obnoxious' or 'intrusive' or 'judgemental'. 'honest' doesn't ignite the same warm glow that 'earnest' does. so why the vocab lesson? well i'll tell you. each week i listen to a podcast of city church in seattle. pastor judah smith is one of the only preachers who grabs and holds my attention for a good hour. his sermons inspire me to draw closer to my Jesus. last week i was listening to him speak about prayer. he was sharing with the church about how through this season of grief they find themselves in, real prayer is so vital. their church has seen three really significant and sudden deaths and they're processing. so he's preaching about prayer- hey i'm a pastor's kid, nothing i haven't heard... or so i thought. as he spoke about coming to God earnestly i found myself in tears. i thought about my prayer life. how it has become a list of "shoulds". i remind myself to pray for my country and my students and my family and my friends and my health and my future. geez, even writing that list it all melts into one blur. when i was sixteen i would spend twenty minutes on just one prayer. whatever was on my heart. i would pray my passion. i didn't feel a knee-jerk reaction to cover my prayer bases. when i was in africa, i didn't spend my quiet times rattling off a list to God. i spent time (sometimes moments, sometimes hours) praying for things earnestly. i would listen to my heart and then i would hand it to God and ask him to make it beat in time with His. then pastor judah began the part of the sermon i don't like hearing. he began speaking the part that convicts me and makes me realize that i am broken and human and in desperate need of my God. he spoke about preaching honestly. honesty. not my strong suit. i have worked diligently to carefully craft the chelsea i want people to see. she is strong and very rarely vulnerable. it used to be the only time i dusted off real chelsea was during my prayer times. but as i look at my journal i see that strong chelsea has been making more of an appearance. even my private prayers are full of exultation that i'm just not sure i feel right now. i'm trying to prove to God and myself that i'm not scared, that i'm no angry, that i'm not hurt, that i'm not lonely. but as pastor judah reminded me: who am i kidding? God knows. He knows before the words are even off my lips. He knows. 'earnest' and i are becoming reacquainted and i am remembering why it was such a beautiful friendship in the first place. 'honest' and i still don't trust each other, but we're working on it. we're working on it.

long time to wait...

i have had a lot swirling around in my head the past few weeks. i have been thinking about where my food comes from and what an incredible blessing it is that there is always something on my dinner table. i have been freaking out about turning 27. i have been stressed out of my mind as i try to think about what this summer will look like in programming and spirit. i have been getting excited to add another member to my family and also mourning the loss of our little foursome. so, so much. mostly i have spent so much time thinking about me. which, let's be honest, is what consumes us most of the time.

last week i went to an amazing conference. it was a gift from an incredibly generous family in our congregation. i got four days of sitting and absorbing wisdom from leaders who are older and wiser than me. i listened to andy stanley, christine kane, miles mcpherson, and so many more. it was a much needed week for me. there were three things that stood out to me and i'm going to do my best to express them here, but who knows how that will go.

the first night david platt was our closing speaker. he spoke about being radical. he charged us to live lives that reveal the extreme nature of the Jesus we follow. he reminded us that there is no time to waste. here's a quote from his talk: "we don't have time to play games with our lives. we don't have time to play games in our church. we serve a God who deserves complete devotion. if you're going to follow Him, you must give up everything you have. surely this Savior is worth more than casual church attendance. surely He is worth reckless abandonment!" WOW. i felt goosebumps all over when he said that. i was reminded that my Jesus asked me to pick up my cross and follow him. i want so desperately to let go of everything i'm holding onto and grasp hold of Him.

the second night is where my next two moments of epiphany happened. the first was during the closing speaker's talk. judah smith (who you should youtube, because his sermons are freaking amazing) spoke about what we do while waiting for God to fulfill promises He's given us. he spoke about how we wrestle in the tension of partially fulfilled promises. i realized that i've been spending my life waiting for the fulfillment of that promise. i've been holding my breath and the more purple my face turns- the angrier at God i get. i turn my head to the sky and i yell, "when?! when are you going to recognise that i've waited long enough!" but moses never reached the promised land and abraham never met the promised nation. following my Jesus depends not on what He's promised me. it depends entirely on His goodness, His power, and His calling. So Jesus gets all my days, all my nights, all of my life, all of me.

the last amazing thing that happened, happened during worship one night. they had gungor lead us in worship. i love gungor. here is a band that plays masterfully and writes lyrics that are intense and honest. i closed my eyes and listened as they strung together the drums, piano, guitars, and cello. i let the music wash over me and then it hit me. here are the lyrics to the song they were singing:

"all this pain, i wonder if i'll ever find my way. i wonder if my life could really change at all. all this earth, could all that is lost ever be found? could a garden come up from this ground at all?

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

all around hope is springing up from this old ground. out of chaos life is being found in you.

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

you make me new. you are making me new."

and then it hit me. it hit me like it always does in those moments when i stop thinking about myself and think instead, about my Jesus. i am loved. i am a broken, selfish, ugly thing. but my God, the God who parts seas and raises the dead loves me. and that love- HIS LOVE transforms me into a beautiful thing. i am being made new. my thoughts and fears and desires are slowly, very slowly being made new. it is a great and glorious thing to realize.

veg update #2

jr. high winter camp (day 4-6):
this had moments of real difficulty but overall i was ok. there was one meal (burgers) that just had chips, buns, and hamburgers. i wanted to punch someone in the face. and then after lunch, after i had eaten some chips and was realizing i had a date with the clubhouse, matt hazelton informed me they had veggie burgers! i'm glad i know that for high school winter camp (this weekend)

days 7-13:
i'm finding that once i'm eating an actual meal, i don't even think about the lack of meat in it. i'm perfectly happy with my veggie version. in fact sometimes i think my veggies version is better than the other choice (seriously, have we thought about what's in a hot dog?). but, the prep and the thinking about what to eat sucks. training my mind to think in new ways is taking longer than i thought it would. also finding resturants that have actual vegetarian options is annoying. but thanks to a few of you (hooray for the klugs!) i am branching out in my meals.

day 14:
today, i am reminded why an experiment like this works. i have wonderful friends and family around me who want to see me suceed. the lovely tiffany janosov is making sure i have a veg-friendly option when i go to her house tonight. my momma made me eggplant parm on friday, just because she's awesome. even just those few of you reading this and sending me messages of encouragement play such a big part in my success. it's been reminding me that God wants us to share our struggles with each other. he wants us to lean on each other. so far this has been the most important lesson i'm learning.

ok, this weekend i leave for high school winter camp. i think this time around will be better- i know what to expect from you forest home!

fasting...

i remember so distinctly the first time i heard about fasting. i was in fifth or sixth grade and kathy, phil, and oliver were in my living room. they were talking with my dad about fasting. i remember thinking they were insane. why would anyone purposefully not eat? why would they want to deprive themselves? what possible lessons could one get from it? it wasn't until much later that i found answers for those questions.

i think most people have misconceptions about fasting. i know i certainly did. they either give it too much credit or not enough. i know for me, learning to give something up has always been a difficult lesson to learn.

last year when i was running 30 Hour Famine with my jr. highers i had a lot of people express that they didn't think jr. high was an appropriate age to teach about fasting. they said they didn't think kids that young could really understand what they were doing. my initial response to that is introduce me to an adult who really understands what they're doing when it comes to God. but i explain that i think jr. high is an age when you still believe your faith can move mountains and so it's an age that you actually get to see the mountains move. my students work hard at 30 Hour Famine, in a lot of ways they work harder than the older kids and adults who do it with us.

tomorrow we begin our 30 Days of Awareness. this is an idea i got from blake and its brilliant. for the next 30 days (we're a month away from the famine) all students participating in 30 Hour Famine will go through a devotional book, asking them to fast from other things. a day without sarcasm, a week without tv, a day without vanity, etc. this booklet begins to prepare their hearts and minds for 30 Hour Famine.

so, below i am listing the things we'll be fasting. if you want to join us in this exercise we'd love to have you. it's a great way to draw closer to our God and it's also a great way for you to partner with me and my kiddos. if you want the devotional book that comes with this, let me know and I'll email you the file. some of the items may be hard to grasp without the devotional.

- 2/9: fast from comfort (sleep on the floor)
- 2/10: fast from music
- 2/11: fast from choice (let someone else make your choices for you)
- 2/12-2/13: fast from tv
-2/14: fast from vanity (don't use a mirror)
- 2/15: fast from sarcasm
- 2/16-2/18: fast from the internet
- 2/19: fast from excess (leave 5 items at home, i.e. chapstick, jacket, wallet, cell phone, water bottle)
- 2/20: fast from junk (no junk food)
- 2/21-2/22: fast from showers
- 2/23: fast from greed (spend absolutely no money)
- 2/24: fast from warmth (leave your jacket at home)
- 2/25: fast from isolation (visit a neighbor, or spend time with a friend)
- 2/26: fast from credit (take no credit for anything you do today)
- 2/27-3/1: fast from ignorance (research a social justice issue)
- 3/2: fast from sleep
- 3/3: fast from people (spend some one-on-one time with God)
- 3/4-3/6: fast from hurry
- 3/7-3/10: fast from insecurity

every beat...

the other night i went and saw Blue Valentine. the following is a report of what it did to my heart. i should say there will probably some spoilers, but they shouldn't be major (although don't hold me to that). this is what i knew going into the movie: ryan gosling was in it (WHOO-HOO!), michelle williams was in it (yay for dawson's creek alum!), and it was getting tons of oscar buzz. that's it. that's all i knew. sometimes this is my favorite way to see a movie. my expectations were minimal and i just sat and absorbed the story. the theatre went dark and the music began and i had no idea where we were going (p.s. this is also how i like to drive).

here's the cliff notes version of the plot: the story follows this couple (dean and cindy) over a seemingly ordinary weekend. they're married, they have a little girl, and clearly their lives are void of the color that used to be there. cindy's tired of feeling like the only adult in the house, dean's desperate to get back the affection his wife once offered freely. over the course of the weekend the movie flashes back to how they met. you see them fall in love; you see how they came to get married. the writers and director do an amazing job of making you really root for these two people. as the movie progresses you realize that this ordinary weekend isn't so ordinary. this is the weekend that their marriage is ending. this is the weekend when their lives are falling apart. this is the weekend when their little girl's world is changed forever.

now any of you who have seen a movie with me know that i am a crier. it doesn't take much to get the waterworks started. but this movie didn't just make me cry. as i watched it a weight settled in my heart. dean loved cindy. cindy loved dean. and yet here they were broken. i kept wanting to scream at the screen, "don't give up! work through it! you're not really listening to each other! IT GETS BETTER!" i felt like i had this secret hope that they didn't know about. i think the most devastating part was that the director didn't "hollywood up" the plot. no one cheated. no one was secretly a vampire. they just lived their lives- flawed, imperfect. their love wasn't star-crossed or special for any reason. in the beginning they chose each other. in the end they didn't.

i walked away from Blue Valentine frustrated. i walked away wishing i could rewrite a happy ending. i walked away pretty sure that marriage is the hardest thing on the planet and thinking i may never want to sign up for that marathon (i admit that is probably a slight exaggeration). but i also walked away thinking it was a pretty good depiction of a relationship with God.

we go to camp in jr. high and feel this first blush of love. we accept Jesus into our heart and we are sure that nothing will ever be able to puncture the bubble loving him puts us in. but then we live our life and pain seeps its way into everything. we get busy with school, friends, jobs, kids, tv, whatever. suddenly we aren't listening anymore. slowly we're going through the motions of our relationship. and we try to get it back. we go on retreats or hear a good sermon. we try to feel whatever it was that first brought us to the throne room of Christ. but its hard. its work. HE ISN'T SPEAKING. or maybe we're not listening. either way our attendance on Sunday morning gets more sporadic. our Bible sits by our bed collecting dust. we stop bringing our decisions and our pain and our joy to Him. we take back our life.

when the credits rolled on Blue Valentine i remembered that i'm already in a marriage. i'm in relationship with the God of the universe. i don't want to walk away. i'm never walking away.

where are the flying cars?

i love january. i think it may be one of my favorite months out of the year. not only is it a fresh start, but it's crisp and cool and fresh. gosh i have such a crush on january. and i've been busy trying to think of a good way to sum up 2010.

here's what i've come up with: the following is a list of 10 songs that defined me in 2010. the songs are ones that had me in tears, singing at the top of my lungs, inspired me to try my hand at greatness. so enjoy them. i hope there's something on here that you haven't heard yet, but more than that i hope that you take time to think about your own year.

2010:

1. divine romance: phil wickham. now we already know about this one because i have written a blog about it. go read it and find out why it made my list.

2. on my own: original song from the boradway show, les miserables. this simple, quiet song is the perfect expression of my dreams. its the story of one girl's dreams. she is walking all by herself, imagining a world where she isn't alone. its haunting and sad and yet really, really beautiful. this line gets me every time: "and i know its only in my mind, that i'm talking to myself and not to him. and although i know that he is blind, still i say there's a way for us. i love him but when the night is over, he is gone- the river's just a river."

3. i didn't know my own strength: whitney houston. when i saw whitney's interview with Oprah, i just was astounded how one person could hold so much pain and not fall over. and when i heard the lyrics of this song i thought that it is the perfect anthem for anyone who has a hurt to deep to stitch together by themselves.

4. beautiful, scandalous night: robby seay band. this is one of those jesus songs that gives me goose bumps. i ended up using it during 30 hour famine communion. it is such a loving lullaby about that night where our precious jesus changed everything. there are moments when i hear it where i swear i can hear the faintest jeers of the crowd. and when i close my eyes i see tears in the eyes of the disciples.

5. forget you: glee cast, featuring gwyenth paltrow. ok, here's a completely shallow, dance around one. i had a hard time narrowing down the gLee music. there could be a list 50 songs deep just of gLee covers. but here's a song i play on repeat more times than i care to admit. i roll down my windows, blast the speakers, and sing at the top of my lungs. yes, i have people staring and sometimes laughing, but i just can't muster up enough shame to care.

6. foux du fafa: flight of the conchords. when the amazing and wonderful matt gebhart first told me about flight of the conchords four years ago, i doubt he could forsee what a creepy fan i'd become. this song delights me not just because of the frenchy-ness, but because of the complete silliness of it all.

7. i'm still standing: elton john. is any music list complete without a little elton? this song hits me on so many glorious levels. it's a perfect dance around my roon song and at the same time you're belting out lyrics that empower you. LOVE IT.

8. i gotta feeling: the black eyed peas. i'm not going to lie to you. the music genius in me is ashamed that this song is on my list. but i can't ignore it's importance this year. i went to a giant number of weddings and it was played at every single one of them. i went to a U2 concert with three of the most important mentors in my life (hollar kusels and barrykins) and the peas opened with this song, with slash. its just too muddled into my year to ignore it.

9. stand up: sugarland. i have a feeling this song is going to creep into 2011, but it just made the cut because i came across it in december. its this powerful plea for us to care more about our world. sometimes i wish life was a musical so it wouldn't be "haul me away" crazy for me to sing passionately to strangers. and when i see horrible news stories or want to strangle the ignorance out of people, this is the song i want to sing them.

10. coming home: diddy dirty money. so p.diddy has changed his name once again. and along with that change he is shaking up hip hop music. this song makes me want to wave my hands in the air. this year the idea of home has been an important theme for me. i like the ideas puff is unwrapping here.

the impact...

today is world AIDS day. today is the day when the world steps back and thinks about this disease that is wiping out a generation. this illness that has ravished a country that i love so much. it's the day when we think about the children that are without homes and parents, the sisters without brothers, the fathers without sons, the mothers without daughters. well at least it's supposed to be. i'm not sure that many people know about today. so i thought i would share a personal experience that i have and my hope is that as you read it you will see that you can make a difference. my hope is that you will be inspired towards change and that you will use your talents and your strengths to help.

i was fifteen the first time i really heard about AIDS. i had learned about the disease clinically in school before then. but it wasn't until the summer before my sophomore year of high school that i really saw what AIDS was- how it destroyed. i was on a mission trip in mexico. i was working with ywam and one night they showed us a video promoting their mercy ship program. during the presentation they told a story of this young girl. when they mercy ship arrived to her village they found that this five year old had never been held, she was ostracized from her community, she didn't know how to speak. she was totally and utterly alone because her mother had died of AIDS. i remember sitting on my fold-out chair with tears streaming down my face. i watched her little face and wanted to pack my bags and head to africa right then and there.

i think in some circles working in africa is considered to be fashionable. i think there are people who think about africa as a place they can go save or somewhere exotic where they can do some "good". it didn't feel that way for me. at fifteen years old, sitting in mexico, i wanted to go to africa- not because i thought i could help or because i thought it would be cool. watching that little girl, a world away, i realized that africa was where the missing piece of my heart was. the funny thing was i didn't even know the piece was missing till i saw that movie. but there it was: one five minute missions video and my whole life was changed.

it would be three years till my passport would have that very special stamp in it. and in those three years of waiting i remember that i gobbled up every piece of information i could get on AIDS. i cried through documentaries and wanted to throw up when i read about the stigma and assumptions made about those suffering. once i was in south africa i couldn't wait to do something. i remember wishing i had the gifts to find a cure. but when i walked into my first AIDS hospital and saw the beds shoved together and the patients- alone, hurting, a whisper of who they once were, i knew that there was nothing i could do.

so i just settled into the skin that God gave me and i sat down next to the first cot. i reached my hand out and held onto a stranger. i asked for his name and his story. i held a straw while he tried to drink. i cried as i watched him sleep. i just spent the day there.

i want to make something really clear: i didn't do anything. i am sure that man died. i am sure it was painful and scary and horrible. i'm positive he was alone. when i sat with him for that afternoon it didn't change that. and for a long time that day was counted among my most painful. for years after i would think of that day and just burst into utterly helpless tears. but as i have thought about it, i realized something important: i was making that day about me. i was thinking about how his death affected me, how watching his suffering made me feel. but that day wasn't about me.

AIDS is a big, scary disease. there is no cure. when you see it up close you see how it robs people of their life. even in a country where medicine is affordable and in supply AIDS sets your schedule and it dictates your freedom. there is nothing we can do until a cure is found. and even when that day comes it won't erase all the pain and devastation that came before it. but that doesn't mean you can't help. instead of making it about you- what you can give or how big the problem seems to you- just breathe. spend some time in prayer. come to our Father and ask Him what your role should and can be. love someone. love someone who has lost a family member or a friend. love someone who is currently dealing with AIDS. just be who God made you to be, that is more than enough.

long time no blog...

i have been avoiding my blog. to be honest i have been avoiding my life (well, aspects of my life). recently i was visited my an old and cherished friend and he (as old and cherished friends often do) called me out on some of my... hmmm... i have no good word for this. let's use "habits". we sat at my kitchen table and he spoke with me about my natural inclination toward hiding and distrust. he talked (i cried) as he pried into what makes me so closed off. at the end of the conversation i just sort of wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.


there are a lot of people in my life who would consider themselves to be close friends of mine. but if i'm being really, painfully honest i would say that i don't trust many of them. i don't say that to be rude. i say it as an example of how easy it is for me to play a part. and i'd love to blame that on the pastor kid thing, but i just don't think that's the truth. my whole life i've felt like if i show who i really am then people will leave. people won't love. people will hurt. so i hold it all inside. thusly (i just love the use of "thusly" here) i've been avoiding my blog because for whatever reason i find myself totally able to be completely myself here.


but something has been happening this week: i'm not exactly sure what it is. i'm still the same uncertain, insecure, worry-wart of a girl that i've always been. but somewhere along the line this week i started to think that maybe, just maybe i don't have to be.


i've been reading brennan manning's book: the ragamuffin gospel and he writes something that just begs to be repeated:

"think about this with me. your Father God loves you as you are, not as you should be. He loves you beyond fidelity and infidelity, beyond worthiness and unworthiness. He loves you in the morning sun and the evening rain. He loves you equally in your state of grace and in your state of disgrace. He loves you withouth caution, regret, boundary, limit, breaking point. no matter what happens or what you do... He can't stop loving you!!"

When I read that I thought: "what if you believed that Chelsea? what if you trusted that no matter what happens God loved you?" it would change everything. what if we really truly believed that there was no where we could run from the love of our Father? and here's an even crazier thought...

WHAT IF WE LOVED OTHERS THAT WAY? wouldn't everything change if we loved ourselves less and others more. and i'm not just talking about the people we already love. i'm not counting our mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters or husbands or children. what if i loved a stranger or an enemy the way that Christ loves me?

right now it's just a jumble of thoughts. right now it's just a baby step; a whisper in the back of my head. but i think as i work so hard to be someone who is worthy of love i am finally beginning to get it. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.

a soft place to land...

the following post is some things i've been feeling for the last few weeks. it is not meant to spark a political, religious, or social debate. it is not meant to express a definitive school of thought. it is not here so that my readers and/or i can win an argument. if you have a problem with any of that this is not a post you should read.

i'm sure so many of you have heard about the recent teen suicides. by now celebrities and news outlets and newspapers have covered it almost too completely. so maybe you've heard the debate about what part bullying played in these suicides. maybe you've participated in the discussion about homosexuality or maybe you have thought about what conversations you could have with your kids or friends or teachers to help.

i didn't. i didn't have very many conversations. i didn't watch all the coverage. mostly, i spent last week crying. as someone who works closely with teens these stories devastated me. as someone who was bullied these stories haunt me. but mostly as someone who knows her Jesus is big enough to heal any wound these stories make me sad for the hope that could have been.

here's what i think: i think we hate too much. i think as a society we say, "you're too short. too fat. too stupid to belong." i think we look to rip apart that which makes us different. i think that we all feel broken and less than so when we have a chance to hide that pain and fling it on someone else we jump at it.

my whole life i have felt worthless. maybe that surprises some of you. i do a pretty good job of hiding how i really feel. since the 4th grade i have felt fat and ugly and unlovable. when i was growing up i heard a lot of grown ups say "it gets better" or "being a teenager isn't the end of the world you think it is". but those sentiments didn't hold me when i was in my room doing my best to fight the loneliness that was creeping its way into my heart. i was utterly convinced that because of how i looked and who i was i would never be loved or wanted. and more or less i've battled those thoughts since i was 10.

so when i heard about these kids who had flung themselves off bridges or hung themselves because of their own loneliness i just cried. if not for a handful of very important people and the grace of my God those stories could be mine. and i've thinking all week trying to figure out what i want to say about this. so here it is. it's not super profound but it comes from the very depth of who i am and it is as genuine and naked as i know how to be.

you are loved. you, who are reading this post. you are loved and you do not walk through this world alone. whether you believe me or not the God of the universe, the one who thought up the ocean and whispered the stars into being loves you. and His love is steady- lean into it. His love saved me when no one else and nothing else could. he takes you, gay or straight, black or white, fat or thin. he accepts you in all your varying states of brokenness. he holds you. he loves you. but just in case that feels a little too far away, i want you to know something else: i love you too. my heart may not be as big as His, but it is big enough for you. if you are reading this and you need a soft place to land here it is. if you need someone to talk to, here i am. you are valued and worthy and loved. that's all. pretty simple.