there are a lot of people in my life who would consider themselves to be close friends of mine. but if i'm being really, painfully honest i would say that i don't trust many of them. i don't say that to be rude. i say it as an example of how easy it is for me to play a part. and i'd love to blame that on the pastor kid thing, but i just don't think that's the truth. my whole life i've felt like if i show who i really am then people will leave. people won't love. people will hurt. so i hold it all inside. thusly (i just love the use of "thusly" here) i've been avoiding my blog because for whatever reason i find myself totally able to be completely myself here.
but something has been happening this week: i'm not exactly sure what it is. i'm still the same uncertain, insecure, worry-wart of a girl that i've always been. but somewhere along the line this week i started to think that maybe, just maybe i don't have to be.
i've been reading brennan manning's book: the ragamuffin gospel and he writes something that just begs to be repeated:
"think about this with me. your Father God loves you as you are, not as you should be. He loves you beyond fidelity and infidelity, beyond worthiness and unworthiness. He loves you in the morning sun and the evening rain. He loves you equally in your state of grace and in your state of disgrace. He loves you withouth caution, regret, boundary, limit, breaking point. no matter what happens or what you do... He can't stop loving you!!"
When I read that I thought: "what if you believed that Chelsea? what if you trusted that no matter what happens God loved you?" it would change everything. what if we really truly believed that there was no where we could run from the love of our Father? and here's an even crazier thought...
WHAT IF WE LOVED OTHERS THAT WAY? wouldn't everything change if we loved ourselves less and others more. and i'm not just talking about the people we already love. i'm not counting our mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters or husbands or children. what if i loved a stranger or an enemy the way that Christ loves me?
right now it's just a jumble of thoughts. right now it's just a baby step; a whisper in the back of my head. but i think as i work so hard to be someone who is worthy of love i am finally beginning to get it. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
3 comments:
Chelsea- I just finished reading your past 3-4 blogs and I can't help but comment. Girl you are going through some heavy stuff. You can call me anytime to chat about this stuff. But you really get it, God does love you and me for who we are. As you know I've recently had some realizations myself that I am enough. It's something many girls in particular struggle with because society tells us we should be married, with children by now...beautiful, skinny, healthy, blah blah, blah. Well you know what, society is NOT God. There is only one you. God knew what he was doing when he created you and your purpose is definite in Him. It's human to question it all, but silly not to remember what our life is all about. Parts of life are hard, but rest in Gods hands tonight knowing that you were uniquely chosen and made with a one of a kind recipe that only God knows. I think you are incredible. And I will be thinking about you and praying that God's love is abundant in your life so that your thoughts do not control your actions. God is bigger than any fear, misunderstanding you will ever have. Hang in there girl! love ya!
Chelsea- We've never met and I only happened to stumble across your blog because I have one of my own. Wow. You just took my heart and put it on paper. I recently was called out for my "habits" of distrust too. As a current teen its hard to believe that others actually WILL and WANT to build you up...this really touched my heart. Know that you just changed someones perspecive. I'm not alone- yay! :)
anonymous: thank you so much for sharing. you are definately not alone! i'm so glad i could help. come visit this blog anytime you need reminding of that.
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