long time to wait...

i have had a lot swirling around in my head the past few weeks. i have been thinking about where my food comes from and what an incredible blessing it is that there is always something on my dinner table. i have been freaking out about turning 27. i have been stressed out of my mind as i try to think about what this summer will look like in programming and spirit. i have been getting excited to add another member to my family and also mourning the loss of our little foursome. so, so much. mostly i have spent so much time thinking about me. which, let's be honest, is what consumes us most of the time.

last week i went to an amazing conference. it was a gift from an incredibly generous family in our congregation. i got four days of sitting and absorbing wisdom from leaders who are older and wiser than me. i listened to andy stanley, christine kane, miles mcpherson, and so many more. it was a much needed week for me. there were three things that stood out to me and i'm going to do my best to express them here, but who knows how that will go.

the first night david platt was our closing speaker. he spoke about being radical. he charged us to live lives that reveal the extreme nature of the Jesus we follow. he reminded us that there is no time to waste. here's a quote from his talk: "we don't have time to play games with our lives. we don't have time to play games in our church. we serve a God who deserves complete devotion. if you're going to follow Him, you must give up everything you have. surely this Savior is worth more than casual church attendance. surely He is worth reckless abandonment!" WOW. i felt goosebumps all over when he said that. i was reminded that my Jesus asked me to pick up my cross and follow him. i want so desperately to let go of everything i'm holding onto and grasp hold of Him.

the second night is where my next two moments of epiphany happened. the first was during the closing speaker's talk. judah smith (who you should youtube, because his sermons are freaking amazing) spoke about what we do while waiting for God to fulfill promises He's given us. he spoke about how we wrestle in the tension of partially fulfilled promises. i realized that i've been spending my life waiting for the fulfillment of that promise. i've been holding my breath and the more purple my face turns- the angrier at God i get. i turn my head to the sky and i yell, "when?! when are you going to recognise that i've waited long enough!" but moses never reached the promised land and abraham never met the promised nation. following my Jesus depends not on what He's promised me. it depends entirely on His goodness, His power, and His calling. So Jesus gets all my days, all my nights, all of my life, all of me.

the last amazing thing that happened, happened during worship one night. they had gungor lead us in worship. i love gungor. here is a band that plays masterfully and writes lyrics that are intense and honest. i closed my eyes and listened as they strung together the drums, piano, guitars, and cello. i let the music wash over me and then it hit me. here are the lyrics to the song they were singing:

"all this pain, i wonder if i'll ever find my way. i wonder if my life could really change at all. all this earth, could all that is lost ever be found? could a garden come up from this ground at all?

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

all around hope is springing up from this old ground. out of chaos life is being found in you.

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

you make me new. you are making me new."

and then it hit me. it hit me like it always does in those moments when i stop thinking about myself and think instead, about my Jesus. i am loved. i am a broken, selfish, ugly thing. but my God, the God who parts seas and raises the dead loves me. and that love- HIS LOVE transforms me into a beautiful thing. i am being made new. my thoughts and fears and desires are slowly, very slowly being made new. it is a great and glorious thing to realize.