earnest and honest...

'earnest' is a word that rolls off my tongue with joy and cartwheels. i love that word. i love how it sounds, i love what it means, and i love that there is an amazing play all about it with more word-play than should be allowed in three acts. 'EARNEST'. i have a harder time with 'honest'. it doesn't flow with the same ease. i've always found that the people in my life who claim to be 'honest' really just use that word as a sheild when they want to be 'obnoxious' or 'intrusive' or 'judgemental'. 'honest' doesn't ignite the same warm glow that 'earnest' does. so why the vocab lesson? well i'll tell you. each week i listen to a podcast of city church in seattle. pastor judah smith is one of the only preachers who grabs and holds my attention for a good hour. his sermons inspire me to draw closer to my Jesus. last week i was listening to him speak about prayer. he was sharing with the church about how through this season of grief they find themselves in, real prayer is so vital. their church has seen three really significant and sudden deaths and they're processing. so he's preaching about prayer- hey i'm a pastor's kid, nothing i haven't heard... or so i thought. as he spoke about coming to God earnestly i found myself in tears. i thought about my prayer life. how it has become a list of "shoulds". i remind myself to pray for my country and my students and my family and my friends and my health and my future. geez, even writing that list it all melts into one blur. when i was sixteen i would spend twenty minutes on just one prayer. whatever was on my heart. i would pray my passion. i didn't feel a knee-jerk reaction to cover my prayer bases. when i was in africa, i didn't spend my quiet times rattling off a list to God. i spent time (sometimes moments, sometimes hours) praying for things earnestly. i would listen to my heart and then i would hand it to God and ask him to make it beat in time with His. then pastor judah began the part of the sermon i don't like hearing. he began speaking the part that convicts me and makes me realize that i am broken and human and in desperate need of my God. he spoke about preaching honestly. honesty. not my strong suit. i have worked diligently to carefully craft the chelsea i want people to see. she is strong and very rarely vulnerable. it used to be the only time i dusted off real chelsea was during my prayer times. but as i look at my journal i see that strong chelsea has been making more of an appearance. even my private prayers are full of exultation that i'm just not sure i feel right now. i'm trying to prove to God and myself that i'm not scared, that i'm no angry, that i'm not hurt, that i'm not lonely. but as pastor judah reminded me: who am i kidding? God knows. He knows before the words are even off my lips. He knows. 'earnest' and i are becoming reacquainted and i am remembering why it was such a beautiful friendship in the first place. 'honest' and i still don't trust each other, but we're working on it. we're working on it.