creative juices...

during my time as an English major there were moments when we were asked to complete a "SreamofConciousness" writing. this was designed to help us clear out all the goop getting in the way of the creative process. and sometimes it managed to bring about a tidbit that would turn into a great story or character name or poem or something... well today i find myself unable to focus. my brain's all goopey. so i thought i'd try a SOC writing here. maybe it'll clear me out. the following is just what comes out for the next 20 minutes:

my brain hurts. i don't have a headache, more like an explosion. i think i store too much up there. trying, always trying to categorize and plan and hide and be strong. sometimes i think the greatest thing in the world would be to stand on a table in front of all my friends and family and just start revealing all the stuff i try so hard to hide. it would be glorious and at the same time the most horrible moment of my life. i wonder who would still love me after that? i wonder what people think about me. i mean obviously i can guess some of it. but i want to know what they really think. i want to know if they're as hard on me as i am. oh! you know what else i want? grapes. i want grapes so freaking bad right now. i really should remember to bring the lunch i pack when i go to work. i miss jr. year of college. it was so fun to walk back from class and have lunch with the girls. i think family dinners were the best then. i loved how before we moved into that old house we spent tons of time making plans for it and then we never followed through with any of those. brey and nicole were going to plant a garden in our backyard and patrick and i wanted to paint. we even went as far as to get paint chips. but we just left that old house as gross and falling down as it was when we got there. its so ironic to me that that's the place where our heat went out and shan and tracy had that invasion of ants and we had no dishwasher or even really a couch. but that was the place where i laughed the most and felt the safest and the most loved. that was a house that was full of purpose and joy and adventure. we just felt free to really LIVE there. and we didn't try so hard to hide. like when we got in a snowball fight with the guy's house and they were better at making snowballs so we started throwing old newspapers at them. i am literally laughing out loud right now. my toes are cold. i wonder if any kiddos are gonna show up to high school group tonight. i'm torn between wanting them to come and wanting to get some real catch up time with dylan. dylan's amazing. the absolute best. now i'm concerned the people that read my blog are going to think dylan's a boy and that i'm in love with 'him'. dylan's a girl. and i'm not in love with her- just for the record. do you think people realize the promises their making to God when they sing worship songs? i need to respond to haley ballast's blog post from yesterday. i have lots and lots of thoughts. ok my 20 minutes is almost over. which is good because i'm not really sure what else i want to write.... uh... i love Glee.

letting go...

once upon a time there lived a princess...

this is a great way to start a story, but i think its also a great way to massively screw with one's mind. i know, i know i'm not the first person to comment on how fairy tales teach girls all sorts of anti-feminist things. and perhaps what i'm about to say isn't an original thought... but it is a thought i've been having so bear with me.

in a fairy tale there's always a happy ending. a street urchin becomes a sultan, a frog turns into a prince, hansel and gretel find their way home. in the end all of the dragons fought and witches battled are worth it. but that's not real life. something God has been teaching me for the last few years is that sometimes the hard stuff is just hard. there isn't always a happy ending.

the past couple of weeks i have been praying about my future. i have been asking God a lot of "why's" and "when's". my whole life i have wanted only 3 things: 1. to be a wife, 2. to be a mom, and 3. to glorify God. that's it. that's all i want. and i would cut off my arm to get those things. i always assumed that God would want me to have those things too. I mean, they're not bad, right? those are awesome and wonderful things to want. but a couple weeks ago i was reading about Joesph; sold into slavery by his brothers, blamed for all sorts of things he didn't do, thrown in jail, forgotten, left, alone. and i think i naturally jump to the end of that story. i say to myself, "well yeah, but look where he ended up." but what if joesph only wanted 3 things? what if he just wanted to grow old with his family, what if he just wanted to be with his dad and his brothers and be accepted?

God had another plan for joesph. in fact so many of the great men and women of faith had to face other plans. this subject rips up my insides. i may seem so calm and well thought out while i write this, but trust me i'm not. the idea of saying, "God you are enough" terrifies me. but as i watch people in my life who say that i am inspired that maybe i can too. and i guess, if i'm honest the idea of never being a wife or never being a mom isn't as scary as the idea of not living a life that worships my Lord.

this is what's been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, i share it with you because... well, it's part of my process. feel free to give me feedback and i leave you with the question i hope to be able to answer someday with my whole being:

do i love God more than i love the happily ever after i've dreamed up?

just some fun...

i have some recomendations for those of you that value my opinion... for the rest of you, feel free to ignore this:

top 3 books i've read in the last month:
1. the hiding place- by corrie ten boom
2. when i don't desire god- by john piper
3. harry botter 7- by jk rowling (this was a re-read but still totally amazing)

best movie i've seen in the last month:
1. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (if you don't go see this movie you are going to die with regret)

top 5 songs that have been played OVER AND OVER in my car this month:
1. jolene- by dolly parton
2. open my eyes- by brandon heath
3. lean on me- cover by sheryl crow, kid rock, and keith urban
4. i didn't know my own strength- by whitney houston
5. heat- by asia

4 shows i'd cancel anything on anyone's tivo to make sure i got:
1. glee
2. ugly betty (but the sad news here is the last episode is airing on thurs, that doesn't mean you can't watch old episodes though)
3. in plain sight
4. the real housewives of new york (don't judge me)

1 website that is changing my life:
1. http://www.thegrilledcheesetruck.com/

life update...

here's what's going on with chelsea lee:

1. she's offically started paying on her student loans this month (groan!).
2. her youth group is going wonderfully although she really needs some boy volunteers (prayer please)!
3. she's been meeting about twice a month with colleen and that time has been full of tears, laughter, and good food.
4. her survivor fantasy team is down to 2 players (uh-oh).
5. she loves her actual apartment, but hates the building and her landlord and since she's now in a month-month situation if she finds something better she's going for it.
6. she joined twitter and goes back and forth between hating herself and making herself laugh.
7. she's pretty convinced that cupid spiked redondo's water supply because everybody and their brother is getting married; except her (sigh).
8. her friend tyler is moving soon and she's pretty bummed to be losing her bestie.
9. she put together a mirror and used a screwdriver and everything all by herself.
and the biggest news...
10. she's started writing a book and is looking for a friend or two to volunteer to be her unofffical editors and promise to be brutually honest.

30 Hour Famine...

when i began the process of preparing my church for '30 Hour Famine' i was consumed with "doing". there were literally 161 items on my '30 Hour Famine' TO DO list. over 3 months i was busy, busy, busy. and yes, there were moments when i stopped to think about the impact we could have or the ways that God could speak to us. but if i'm honest i very rarely thought about those things.

so friday, march 26th rolled around and i began fasting. i had talked the with students about fasting a lot. we'd talked about how it was a way we could find more intimacy with Christ. we'd had conversation after conversation about how God can be made strong in our weakness. but most of friday passed and i found myself simply 'not eating' and not really 'fasting'. then 6pm came. and in walked some of these faces:

they came hungry. they came energetic. they came armed with stories of how food had tempted them throughout the day but they stood strong. and a little piece of me began to remember why "30 Hour Famine" is powerful.

throughout friday night we played games and watched movies. as a leader i had planned a schedule that i hoped would inspire just as much as it instructed. i wanted the students to know uganda. short of actually going, i wanted them to be able to taste it. so i showed them some short films that invisible children produced. they were powerful stories. the students got caught up in them. after the games and videos we moved on to our craft. this is what the jr. highers have titled "tommy's blankey". they each decorated a quilt square and we're sending the quilt to the orphanage that jeff and amy got tommy from. the things the kids wrote were so beautiful and simply sweet. my favorite one was: "you live here (a picture of africa). i live here (a picture of the us). God loves us both (a picture of a heart)."

by the time saturday rolled around i was exhausted. my tummy ached, my head ached, and my energy level was definately way down. i walked into the church in the morning ready for "30 Hour Famine" to be over. and then the students started arriving. i could hear them talking with each other as i set some stuff up. here's a paraphrase of one of those conversations:

Ben- I am starving!

Dillon- No Ben, you aren't. The kids in Uganda are.

Ben- You know what I mean.

Dillon- Yeah, I know what you mean, but I don't think we should say we're starving anymore.

Ben- Yeah, maybe you're right. Hey, do you think this money is really gonna help any kids?

Dillon- I dunno. Maybe.

Ben- You know what would really help them?

Dillon- No, what?

Ben- If we went to Uganda and taught them to skate.

Dillon- Dude! Totally, let's do it.

Ben- Think Chelsea would take us?

Dillon- As long as it's ok with our moms why not? But we probably need a lot of money so we should start saving.

Ben- OK, I bet we can be ready by next month.

that conversation is why i do what i do. because a relationship with God is more than just loving God. it involves loving others too. these past 3 months i have seen my students slowly start to get it. the way they talk about tommy like he's their own little mascott of love. they way they ask me if God could drop some food on haiti. they are starting to put the pieces together on their own and its wonderful.

we ended "30 Hour Famine" with a handcraft. 25,000 people die each day because of hunger related issues. my kids made 2500 handprints and i told them each hand represented 10 people that died because they didn't have enough food. but i told them the hands represented something else too. each hand represented the effort and love with which they had entered the "30 Hour Famine". i told my students that with each hand they should remember they are changing the world. and they are. they really are.

i was beyond exhausted when i got home late saturday. but i had started the weekend with no thought of my Jesus and i ended the weekend completely safe in his embrace. completely sure of the cross. completely convinced that there isn't a single statistic on this planet that is stronger than my Lord. and as if those lessons weren't enough: i ended the weekend knowing that someday God's gonna have hold of my students' hearts the way He has mine.

hole in my heart...

Isaiah is my absolute favorite book of the Bible. It is the place I go for strength and courage. The words I find there consistantly challenge me and grow my faith. In my favorite book of the Bible there is a chapter; a seemingly small chapter. It is in this chapter that I hear my calling. It is in this chapter that I know how to throw myself into the work God has for me.

My heart always aches to be in Africa. I'm not ever truely whole until I'm there. But usually its a dull ache that I can ignore. Lately though I haven't been able to. My dreams are a world away. I wait on pins and needles for the day when the Lord says I can go there and never come back. So this morning in an effort to soothe the pain I'm meditating on Isaiah 61 and the above picture of my heart. Join me.

The Year of the Lord's Favor

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devestated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devestated for generations. Aliens will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of their shame my people will recieve a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.

For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfullness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed.

I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.

yesterday...

at the end of this month my students and i will be holding an event called "30 Hour Famine". it's purpose is to raise awareness and funds to fight world hunger. the basic idea is that we will get our friends and family to sponsor us a dollar amount for each hour we fast. for example i'm fasting 30 hours and my good friend Tyler hellinga is giving me $3 for every hour fasted. then we send that money to Uganda through world vision. i've done this event before and it's a great way to help students and leaders see the world around them with more compassionate eyes.

anyway, yesterday in preparation for the famine i was watching some videos i bought from invisible children (http://www.invisiblechildren.com/). i'm going to be showing some of these videos throughout the event and i wanted to make sure they were jr. high appropriate. i spent about 2 hours in my office just crying and crying. and there were a lot of reasons for those tears.

i think the most obvious reason is that my heart just can't comprehend how we can be so cruel to each other. you can get way more detailed thoughts on that throughout my blog. but there was something else. when i was 15 years old i went on my very first mission trip to mexico and while there i saw a movie about the aids crisis in africa. and ever since that night, ever since i first heard the call for help my whole being wants to respond. if you know me, you know that i end up bringing up the topic of africa in almost every conversation. i can't help it. the person that God made me to be is screaming to do something; to love more completely.

watching the videos from invisible children reminded me that i have left so much work unfinished. i have left children, who are longing to be held and i have left mothers with too much work to do alone. its interesting to me that i got a heart for this wild and untamed continent while sitting in a room a world away. i guess that's why we do the famine, because who knows how God will touch the hearts of my students.

so i would like to ask all of you that read this (i actually have no idea if its more than haley, carlee, and amy) please be praying for me and my kiddos on march 26th and 27th. pray that God would let His spirit fall on RLC. ask Him to change lives and hearts. and maybe through your prayers and God's diligent work we will find that my students grow a heart to change the world, just like i did.