creative juices...

during my time as an English major there were moments when we were asked to complete a "SreamofConciousness" writing. this was designed to help us clear out all the goop getting in the way of the creative process. and sometimes it managed to bring about a tidbit that would turn into a great story or character name or poem or something... well today i find myself unable to focus. my brain's all goopey. so i thought i'd try a SOC writing here. maybe it'll clear me out. the following is just what comes out for the next 20 minutes:

my brain hurts. i don't have a headache, more like an explosion. i think i store too much up there. trying, always trying to categorize and plan and hide and be strong. sometimes i think the greatest thing in the world would be to stand on a table in front of all my friends and family and just start revealing all the stuff i try so hard to hide. it would be glorious and at the same time the most horrible moment of my life. i wonder who would still love me after that? i wonder what people think about me. i mean obviously i can guess some of it. but i want to know what they really think. i want to know if they're as hard on me as i am. oh! you know what else i want? grapes. i want grapes so freaking bad right now. i really should remember to bring the lunch i pack when i go to work. i miss jr. year of college. it was so fun to walk back from class and have lunch with the girls. i think family dinners were the best then. i loved how before we moved into that old house we spent tons of time making plans for it and then we never followed through with any of those. brey and nicole were going to plant a garden in our backyard and patrick and i wanted to paint. we even went as far as to get paint chips. but we just left that old house as gross and falling down as it was when we got there. its so ironic to me that that's the place where our heat went out and shan and tracy had that invasion of ants and we had no dishwasher or even really a couch. but that was the place where i laughed the most and felt the safest and the most loved. that was a house that was full of purpose and joy and adventure. we just felt free to really LIVE there. and we didn't try so hard to hide. like when we got in a snowball fight with the guy's house and they were better at making snowballs so we started throwing old newspapers at them. i am literally laughing out loud right now. my toes are cold. i wonder if any kiddos are gonna show up to high school group tonight. i'm torn between wanting them to come and wanting to get some real catch up time with dylan. dylan's amazing. the absolute best. now i'm concerned the people that read my blog are going to think dylan's a boy and that i'm in love with 'him'. dylan's a girl. and i'm not in love with her- just for the record. do you think people realize the promises their making to God when they sing worship songs? i need to respond to haley ballast's blog post from yesterday. i have lots and lots of thoughts. ok my 20 minutes is almost over. which is good because i'm not really sure what else i want to write.... uh... i love Glee.