once upon a time there lived a princess...
this is a great way to start a story, but i think its also a great way to massively screw with one's mind. i know, i know i'm not the first person to comment on how fairy tales teach girls all sorts of anti-feminist things. and perhaps what i'm about to say isn't an original thought... but it is a thought i've been having so bear with me.
in a fairy tale there's always a happy ending. a street urchin becomes a sultan, a frog turns into a prince, hansel and gretel find their way home. in the end all of the dragons fought and witches battled are worth it. but that's not real life. something God has been teaching me for the last few years is that sometimes the hard stuff is just hard. there isn't always a happy ending.
the past couple of weeks i have been praying about my future. i have been asking God a lot of "why's" and "when's". my whole life i have wanted only 3 things: 1. to be a wife, 2. to be a mom, and 3. to glorify God. that's it. that's all i want. and i would cut off my arm to get those things. i always assumed that God would want me to have those things too. I mean, they're not bad, right? those are awesome and wonderful things to want. but a couple weeks ago i was reading about Joesph; sold into slavery by his brothers, blamed for all sorts of things he didn't do, thrown in jail, forgotten, left, alone. and i think i naturally jump to the end of that story. i say to myself, "well yeah, but look where he ended up." but what if joesph only wanted 3 things? what if he just wanted to grow old with his family, what if he just wanted to be with his dad and his brothers and be accepted?
God had another plan for joesph. in fact so many of the great men and women of faith had to face other plans. this subject rips up my insides. i may seem so calm and well thought out while i write this, but trust me i'm not. the idea of saying, "God you are enough" terrifies me. but as i watch people in my life who say that i am inspired that maybe i can too. and i guess, if i'm honest the idea of never being a wife or never being a mom isn't as scary as the idea of not living a life that worships my Lord.
this is what's been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, i share it with you because... well, it's part of my process. feel free to give me feedback and i leave you with the question i hope to be able to answer someday with my whole being:
do i love God more than i love the happily ever after i've dreamed up?
2 comments:
Oh Chelsea dear! You are so incredibly special, God does have a plan for you; and I pray that plan comes together in a way that you are put at peace. Thank you for sharing your personal struggle, because you are not alone, there are many who have no idea how to explain those thoughts. It was beautiful, with the side of laughter I always appreciate from you. Cheer up Chelsea-God has his eyes on you and he's gonna do something so amazing you'll forget these feelings even existed...I hope. Our God is awesome, I like to think he has all our lives in a bunch of snow globes, that every once in a while he shakes things up to keep us going. Sorry if that didn't make sense! The man you marry will be so lucky he won't know what to do with himself--tell him to buy a lottery ticket. You're precious! Can't wait to see what your snow globe looks like.
One thing I've learned is, the more crap I go through, the more I know how good God is.
I am completely convinced that there is no way someone can trust God, fully love Him and accept His love, and be at rest in Him if they don't know Him. There is no way to know God and still question if you can surrender your life to Him (i.e. trust Him). When you encounter His glory- His greatness, His love- there is no way to not be totally and completely satisfied. If you're not, then you don't know God.
Ask God to keep revealing Himself to you- the more you see Him, the less doubt there is. God doesn't have a plan for you. God does have A plan. He has one plan, for the whole world, it has never changed- and you do have a part in His plan! We can get so independent and focused on ourselves and our own sweet little plan- but that isn't how God works. We are all a part of His plan- we are all pursing the same prize (Jesus). God wouldn't put the desire in you to be a wife and a mom and not fulfill it. He is so full of Love. He's not sneaky and mean.
Everyday it rings more and more true- Its not about me. Possibly the best suggestion I can offer is to ask God what is on His heart today instead of bringing your list to Him. That always helps me. As I get the focus off myself, His love eclipses all of my to do list for God, and I forget all about it- and more importantly- don't even care about what I thought I needed Him to do asap.
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