turkey day...

This year for thanksgiving i cooked. it was so much fun and i must say my family was amazing. they let me run rampent in that kitchen. they were helpful and most of them (cough*cough tyler cough*cough) were able to sense when i needed a little space to focus.

there was a big difference in our holiday this year, though. this is the first major holiday we've had since tyler and rachel got engaged. the night before thanksgiving day i was sitting at my kitchen table with rachel and we were pouring over a new cookbook i have called sauces (more updates in the future about this book. it is amazing!). as we talked about the food i was struck by how grown up that moment was. when i was little i remember watching my mom and my aunt lisa do the same thing together. it seemed to me that sister-in-laws were the best. you always have a buddy but you don't have to share a room or clothes. and here i was with my very own. rachel is the best blessing and she is one of the things i'm most thankful for.

here's some pictures of the food. you'll notice that there aren't very many. it was hard to be the photographer and still make sure the food came out.

long time no blog...

i have been avoiding my blog. to be honest i have been avoiding my life (well, aspects of my life). recently i was visited my an old and cherished friend and he (as old and cherished friends often do) called me out on some of my... hmmm... i have no good word for this. let's use "habits". we sat at my kitchen table and he spoke with me about my natural inclination toward hiding and distrust. he talked (i cried) as he pried into what makes me so closed off. at the end of the conversation i just sort of wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.


there are a lot of people in my life who would consider themselves to be close friends of mine. but if i'm being really, painfully honest i would say that i don't trust many of them. i don't say that to be rude. i say it as an example of how easy it is for me to play a part. and i'd love to blame that on the pastor kid thing, but i just don't think that's the truth. my whole life i've felt like if i show who i really am then people will leave. people won't love. people will hurt. so i hold it all inside. thusly (i just love the use of "thusly" here) i've been avoiding my blog because for whatever reason i find myself totally able to be completely myself here.


but something has been happening this week: i'm not exactly sure what it is. i'm still the same uncertain, insecure, worry-wart of a girl that i've always been. but somewhere along the line this week i started to think that maybe, just maybe i don't have to be.


i've been reading brennan manning's book: the ragamuffin gospel and he writes something that just begs to be repeated:

"think about this with me. your Father God loves you as you are, not as you should be. He loves you beyond fidelity and infidelity, beyond worthiness and unworthiness. He loves you in the morning sun and the evening rain. He loves you equally in your state of grace and in your state of disgrace. He loves you withouth caution, regret, boundary, limit, breaking point. no matter what happens or what you do... He can't stop loving you!!"

When I read that I thought: "what if you believed that Chelsea? what if you trusted that no matter what happens God loved you?" it would change everything. what if we really truly believed that there was no where we could run from the love of our Father? and here's an even crazier thought...

WHAT IF WE LOVED OTHERS THAT WAY? wouldn't everything change if we loved ourselves less and others more. and i'm not just talking about the people we already love. i'm not counting our mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters or husbands or children. what if i loved a stranger or an enemy the way that Christ loves me?

right now it's just a jumble of thoughts. right now it's just a baby step; a whisper in the back of my head. but i think as i work so hard to be someone who is worthy of love i am finally beginning to get it. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.

some love from martha...

so my posts have been of the serious nature lately and i thought i'd change it up, just for fun. one of my favorite things i do with the youth group kiddos is cookie points. whenever they do something sweet or make me laugh or are helpful i give them cookie points. when they reach 100 cookie points i hand them martha stewart's cookie cookbook and let them choose the ones they'd like. cookie points not only keep the chaos to a dull roar but they also force me to attempt recipes i'd never go near (ask me about the disaster that was making fortune cookies). i thought i'd share a recent recipe with you. it was pretty simple and ricky loved his cookies so slam dunk!

Vanilla Malted Cookies

ingreidents

- 2 3/4 c flour

- 3/4 c plain malted milk powder

- 1 tsp baking powder

- 3/4 tsp salt

- 2 sticks (1 c) unsalted butter at room temp

- 3 ounces cream cheese at room temp

- 1 c sugar
- 1 vanilla bean, split and seeds scraped

- 1 egg

- 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

1. preheat the oven and mix the dry ingridents together.


2. Cream butter and cream cheese. Then add sugar, vanilla, vanilla bean, and egg. Slowly add in the dry ingriedents a bit at a time.

3. Transfer dough to a pastry bag (or you can use a gallon ziploc and snip the end of it) fitted with a large star tip. Pipe 2 1/2 inch stips on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

4. Bake until edges are golden brown (for me this was about 7 min). Transfer to wire racks to cool and enjoy!

a soft place to land...

the following post is some things i've been feeling for the last few weeks. it is not meant to spark a political, religious, or social debate. it is not meant to express a definitive school of thought. it is not here so that my readers and/or i can win an argument. if you have a problem with any of that this is not a post you should read.

i'm sure so many of you have heard about the recent teen suicides. by now celebrities and news outlets and newspapers have covered it almost too completely. so maybe you've heard the debate about what part bullying played in these suicides. maybe you've participated in the discussion about homosexuality or maybe you have thought about what conversations you could have with your kids or friends or teachers to help.

i didn't. i didn't have very many conversations. i didn't watch all the coverage. mostly, i spent last week crying. as someone who works closely with teens these stories devastated me. as someone who was bullied these stories haunt me. but mostly as someone who knows her Jesus is big enough to heal any wound these stories make me sad for the hope that could have been.

here's what i think: i think we hate too much. i think as a society we say, "you're too short. too fat. too stupid to belong." i think we look to rip apart that which makes us different. i think that we all feel broken and less than so when we have a chance to hide that pain and fling it on someone else we jump at it.

my whole life i have felt worthless. maybe that surprises some of you. i do a pretty good job of hiding how i really feel. since the 4th grade i have felt fat and ugly and unlovable. when i was growing up i heard a lot of grown ups say "it gets better" or "being a teenager isn't the end of the world you think it is". but those sentiments didn't hold me when i was in my room doing my best to fight the loneliness that was creeping its way into my heart. i was utterly convinced that because of how i looked and who i was i would never be loved or wanted. and more or less i've battled those thoughts since i was 10.

so when i heard about these kids who had flung themselves off bridges or hung themselves because of their own loneliness i just cried. if not for a handful of very important people and the grace of my God those stories could be mine. and i've thinking all week trying to figure out what i want to say about this. so here it is. it's not super profound but it comes from the very depth of who i am and it is as genuine and naked as i know how to be.

you are loved. you, who are reading this post. you are loved and you do not walk through this world alone. whether you believe me or not the God of the universe, the one who thought up the ocean and whispered the stars into being loves you. and His love is steady- lean into it. His love saved me when no one else and nothing else could. he takes you, gay or straight, black or white, fat or thin. he accepts you in all your varying states of brokenness. he holds you. he loves you. but just in case that feels a little too far away, i want you to know something else: i love you too. my heart may not be as big as His, but it is big enough for you. if you are reading this and you need a soft place to land here it is. if you need someone to talk to, here i am. you are valued and worthy and loved. that's all. pretty simple.

way beyond singing in the shower...

my parents think i have a problem and that problem has only one name: gLee! this past year it is my biggest obsession. this show speaks to so many parts of me: drama queen chelsea, theatre freak chelsea, lonely chelsea, happy chelsea, rock star chelsea, comedian chelsea. all the parts of me are happy.

and yes, sometimes its cheesy and the plots are often pretty predictable. but i think there's something to be said for a show that just makes you smile. when i watch gLee it's this small space in my life when i get to shut off all the noise in my head. i just enjoy it.

maybe this little bit of information is obvious... but... ever since i was 9 years old and the billon family took me to see beauty and the beast at the pantageous i have wanted to perform on stage. i see myself belting out songs from wicked all covered in green make-up. i can hear the laughter as i take my turn in barefoot in the park. broadway and i were meant to be together. it's just the way it always should have been. i never made it. well, i guess if we're being really honest i never tried to make it and that's it's own post. but for that 45 minutes when i watch gLee i feel like i'm there. i feel like ryan murphy had a secret window into my heart and made a show just for me.

if you don't watch gLee watch this and try not to smile. i dare you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k40iccZFWfw

The Final Book of THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY

SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT

ok i hope you were adequately warned. i'm not exactly sure where to start the process of unraveling my thoughts about this book. and so, i am going to begin with the basics.

Mockingjay was in my opinion the darkest book of the trilogy. it was technically written with the most focus and cohesion. it was amazing. i finished it in four hours. i told myself i wouldn't start it until the weekend when i knew i had time to go to the beach and lay in the sun and soak it in. HA! i couldn't fall asleep the day it came because i knew it was out on my kitchen table. so around 12pm i finally crawled out of bed and just gave into temptation. i'm sooooo glad that katniss didn't end up with stupid gale because i have hated his character from the beginning and he didn't grow on me in this book either. i cried when prim died, but not as hard as i had cried in book 2 when cinna died.

ok let's get into the real meat of this book...

suzanne collins writes of war and desperation and hopeless choices as if she has lived them. she reminds me of tim o'brien who's stories of vietnam always left me feeling enraged and full of sorrow and wanting to do something, anything to change our world. there is a moment on page 369 that i want to write about. the capitol has fallen and the new president has called a meeting with the only remaining hunger games champions to propose an idea...

"... 'What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power.'

All seven of us turn to her. 'What?' says Johanna.

'We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children,' says Coin...

'I vote no with Peeta,' Annie says. 'So would Finnick if he were here.'

'But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him,' Johanna reminds her.

'No,' says Beetee. 'It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point unity is essential for our survival. No.'

Was it like this then? Seventy-five years or so ago? Did a group of people sit around and cast their votes on initiating the Hunger Games? Was there dissent? Did someone make a case for mercy that was beaten down by the calls for the deaths of the districts' children? The scent of Snow's rose curls up in my nose, down into my throat, squeezing it tight with despair. All those people I loved, dead, and we are discussing the next Hunger Games in an attempt to avoid wasting life. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change now."

Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change now. those words have been haunting me since i read them. because when i think about the Lord, when i think of my Jesus who changed everything with one act of selflessness i know that every thing's changed. and if we are created in his image than i know that if we all tried to live our lives with grace and compassion and mercy than we could really change things.

we live in a world that teaches us life is complicated. war is about freedom and money and resources and power. and our government is empowering and oppressive and hopeless and exciting. there's so many grey areas. there's so many things to think about. and i know that no matter how badly i want to, there are aspects of our world set in stone. there are things that we can never change. but there's this fire in me to try.

we are searching for something that is right in front of us. LOVE GOD AND LOVE OTHERS. that means forgive even when you are owed righteous anger. it means give when you want to get. it means swallow your pride and your own needs and hold your hand out to someone who needs it. it means letting go of cynicism and embracing naivety.

as i was reading about this world that collins created i realized that this isn't a far off fantasy. this isn't a world we will never see. this is basically the world we live in now. true we're not quite to the point of watching children murder each other for food on national television. but honestly, i don't think we're as far from it as we'd like to believe. we live in a world full of taking and consuming and waste. and i live here too. i buy my toms shoes and feel good that a child somewhere in africa is getting their own pair. but i walk by the homeless man that sits in front of my apartment building who has no shoes. i feel superior because i live in a country that has running water and education available to all. i am prideful. i am weak. i love reality tv. and i think that so often when i feel prompted to do something about this darkness i feel in my life i'm quick to find "balance". i say to myself, "there's nothing wrong with the blessings God has given me. i shouldn't feel bad because i'm warm and well fed."

why shouldn't i? if i've learned anything from Jesus it's that he wasn't about balance. he asked his disciples to leave behind families. he told the rich young man to give up everything. he even took a small boy's loaves and fishes to feed the masses.

i guess at the end of this book i realized a couple things. one, i'm tired of the middle ground. two, i want to be radical and brave and i want to die knowing that i gave every ounce of myself to the Lord. i am one voice. i am one set of hands and one pair of feet. i'm one heart. and i'm ready to go. if you want to join me there's more than enough room.

the best part of my job...

i spent all last week at camp. the jr. highers and i trekked our way to forest home and we spent five glorious days hiking, swimming, crafting (yes, i'm using the term "crafting"), and just enjoying God's beautiful creation.

a lot of work goes into sending kiddos to camp. there's filling the spots, paperwork, medical forms, packing lists, finding drivers, and all sorts of other headaches. and sometimes i get caught up in doing those important tasks. the day before we left i wanted so badly to crawl under my bed and not come out. i thought, "seriously? could anything else go wrong? is camp really worth all this?"

as usual God reminded me that its always worth it. i watched my kiddos last week as they loved each other. i watched them open their hearts to God. I was lucky enough to lead one of our girlies to Christ. I was blessed to watch our kids wash each other's feet. we threw our hands in the air and sang at the top of our voices. we walked with God. of course it took a week away for me to remember the best part of my job: i get to help students fall in love with God. i get to show them the reason i get out of bed in the morning. i get to walk with them as they discover the amazing call God has for them. it's a joy. it's a privilage. so enjoy these pictures of my beautiful students from camp. it was a great week.