love songs...

so with the wedding mania (one more to go in august and then i'm done for awhile!) i've had the past year-ish i have had the chance to see so many real-life love stories. i've loved that each ceremony has had the unique feel of the couple it's for. i love stories, especially ones about love. although i think my idea of what a truly great love story may be different than most. anyway, i think the best way to tell a story is through music. experiencing all these wedding stories has gotten me to thinking about the best love songs. so, here are my top 20 (in no particular order) love songs. they may surprise you, but i promise they'll delight you! p.s. I think I could have made this list way longer but I tried to keep it concise!

20. On a Night Like This: Dave Barnes
19. Best Days: Graham Colton
18. Just Stay Here Tonight: Augustana
17. You are the Best Thing: Ray LaMontagne
16. Running Back to You: Matt Wertz
15. My Man: Barbara Striesand
14. Gravity: Sara Bareilles
13. Rhythm of Love: Plain White T's
12. I Won't Give Up: Jana Kramer
11. Just the Way You Are: Bruno Mars
10. So Close: Jon McLaughlin
9. Bless the Broken Road: Rascal Flatts
8. Luckiest: Ben Folds
7. The Heart of the Matter: India.Aire (this is a cover, but it's the best version)
6. I want to Hold your Hand: The Beatles
5. I Will Not Take My Love Away: Matt Wertz
4. Feel This: Betheny Joy Galeotti (featuring Enation)
3. For Good: Indina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth
2. I Miss You: Incubus
1. How Sweet It Is: James Taylor

a season for everything...

in my life i have been sure, without any trace of doubt, that the God of the universe who created glowworms and colors, created me too. i know that i am me and that there isn't anyone else like me. there's only one chelsea. well, ok that's a lie, there are tons of chelsea's, but you know what i mean. for the most part i like that. generally speaking i am proud of the woman i am. i didn't come by her easily.

but i think, as with everyone, there are moments where the chelsea i am just doesn't seem to be enough. there are times when i look at my behavior and i am ashamed. some mornings when i look in the mirror i hate the face i see staring back and if i'm honest, it is a rare morning when i look in the mirror and walk out of my room totally satisfied with everything i saw. just like everyone else i am broken and damaged. as my brother prepares to get married the question i hear more than anything else is: "are you ok?" i think the thought process is that if he's getting married, then i must be freaking out because i'm not. do you want to know a secret? i am a little bit. so the following is what i've been wrestling with, it's honest and raw and not well thought out, so feel free to bail on this post if you want.

growing up i wanted only one thing. i wanted to blend in. i just wanted to be beige. but from my earliest memories i have felt different. my brain never understood math the same way everyone else's did and so i had to work with tutors and go to a special class. my back couldn't stand straight on it's own, so i wore a brace and went to the doctor. i was sure that the girl i was would never be enough. to be honest, i hated me. i spent a lot of time and effort hiding that. but i hated me. i decided at a very young age that i would have to gauge my worth based on how other people valued me. and i placed my confidence in the idea of some man loving me someday.

i've been thinking a lot about that time in my life lately. i have been thinking about the girl i was. she was so scared of herself. she was so easily intimidated. i thought i had put her to rest. i thought that with time and therapy, and mostly with africa that she had disappeared. but i find there are still remnants of her.

when i was in africa i got to touch the face of God. it was these few short months when i never thought of how i looked. i never compared myself to others. i wasn't worried about blending into the background. i was too busy marveling over the tiny fingers and sweet smell of the babies we held. i was consumed with hammering the nails into the right places on the houses we built. i spent my mornings with my bible and my heart open to our Savior. in africa i breathed easy. i'm home now and my life is too full of junk. it's too full of noise. i've been so focused on finishing school, finding a job, finding a husband, making babies, putting money into a retirement fund and the further those goals have seemed the more depressed i've become. but my life won't ever be about those things. my God didn't create me that way.

he made me to be someone who cries every single time she thinks of children around the world who don't have enough to eat. he made me someone with something to say and a voice loud enough to make people listen. God made me a woman who wants to change the world more than she wants to change diapers (and believe me, there are very few things i want as badly as the chance to change diapers). there is a season for everything and hopefully someday i will get my season of marriage and babies. but, if i don't. if that never comes, i'll be ok. in fact i'll be better than ok, because i will settle for nothing less than living my life at the feet of my Jesus.

it isn't easy to write that, because i don't always believe it. but i am finding that in the moments of weakness. in the times when i want to crawl into my bed and never come out, i get two choices. i can either let my fear and sadness overwhelm me or i can snuggle into the arms of my creator and whisper for him to kiss my boo-boo and make it all better.

so those of you who read this, i want you to take two important things away from this blog. #1- i am ok. i have good days and bad days. but mostly i am at peace because i know that whatever happens, i'm strong enough to figure it out and i trust my God enough to live whatever life He has planned for me. #2- don't let your own hurts and fear and insecurities stop you from seeing the miracle that you are. don't let the voice in your head get bigger than God's. trust Him. i promise that there is nothing as sweet as that.

people i love...

what if there's more 'worse' than 'better'...

Love is:
being there for someone even when it would be easier to bail, laughing at jokes that aren't really funny, listening, waiting, trusting, hugging, going to see that movie the other person wants to see, having expectations of someone, wanting to see the other person shine as brightly as God created them too- even if that means you're in shadow, moving, staying put, forever, noticing the little things that add up to the big things, believing in someone, so easily lost, facing the hard stuff together, admitting when you're wrong, choosing your battles, speaking up for yourself, speaking up for the other person, a slow dance, a kiss, the sounds of the other person's laughter, a thousand moments that add up to a lifetime, God created, God breathed, God centered, bloody, messy, steady, certain, life-affirming, offered freely

Love isn't:
temporary, a feeling, 'at first sight', convenient, 'all you need', easy, romantic, about being right, going to make you whole, pressure, weak, going to fix anything, a power-play, a Disney movie, easily found, empty, lonely, a flash, in the moonlight or the rain, the last two minutes of a movie, about your body type, something you have to earn, a wish, an unfulfilled hope, going to sweep you away, about losing yourself, small, tasteless, angry, a wedding, a test, sour, about winning, always getting your way, roses, chocolate, candlelit dinners, smooth, vindictive

earnest and honest...

'earnest' is a word that rolls off my tongue with joy and cartwheels. i love that word. i love how it sounds, i love what it means, and i love that there is an amazing play all about it with more word-play than should be allowed in three acts. 'EARNEST'. i have a harder time with 'honest'. it doesn't flow with the same ease. i've always found that the people in my life who claim to be 'honest' really just use that word as a sheild when they want to be 'obnoxious' or 'intrusive' or 'judgemental'. 'honest' doesn't ignite the same warm glow that 'earnest' does. so why the vocab lesson? well i'll tell you. each week i listen to a podcast of city church in seattle. pastor judah smith is one of the only preachers who grabs and holds my attention for a good hour. his sermons inspire me to draw closer to my Jesus. last week i was listening to him speak about prayer. he was sharing with the church about how through this season of grief they find themselves in, real prayer is so vital. their church has seen three really significant and sudden deaths and they're processing. so he's preaching about prayer- hey i'm a pastor's kid, nothing i haven't heard... or so i thought. as he spoke about coming to God earnestly i found myself in tears. i thought about my prayer life. how it has become a list of "shoulds". i remind myself to pray for my country and my students and my family and my friends and my health and my future. geez, even writing that list it all melts into one blur. when i was sixteen i would spend twenty minutes on just one prayer. whatever was on my heart. i would pray my passion. i didn't feel a knee-jerk reaction to cover my prayer bases. when i was in africa, i didn't spend my quiet times rattling off a list to God. i spent time (sometimes moments, sometimes hours) praying for things earnestly. i would listen to my heart and then i would hand it to God and ask him to make it beat in time with His. then pastor judah began the part of the sermon i don't like hearing. he began speaking the part that convicts me and makes me realize that i am broken and human and in desperate need of my God. he spoke about preaching honestly. honesty. not my strong suit. i have worked diligently to carefully craft the chelsea i want people to see. she is strong and very rarely vulnerable. it used to be the only time i dusted off real chelsea was during my prayer times. but as i look at my journal i see that strong chelsea has been making more of an appearance. even my private prayers are full of exultation that i'm just not sure i feel right now. i'm trying to prove to God and myself that i'm not scared, that i'm no angry, that i'm not hurt, that i'm not lonely. but as pastor judah reminded me: who am i kidding? God knows. He knows before the words are even off my lips. He knows. 'earnest' and i are becoming reacquainted and i am remembering why it was such a beautiful friendship in the first place. 'honest' and i still don't trust each other, but we're working on it. we're working on it.

just for the fun of it...

lately i've been blogging about many serious and thoughtful things. i've decided to take a break from all of that and instead spend some time telling you all about what i am currently obsessed with. so take notes because these are things you should also be obsessed with...

- Anthropologie: if you are not already in love with this store, you are crazy! not only is it full of amazing treasures, but the way that's decorated is an art form. sometimes i go in there just to wander around and look at the walls. yes, everything in it is totally expensive. but go in anyway and just look- every once and awhile you'll hit a sale item that will change your life.

- THIS HAIRCUT: ok ladies, let me tell you something i think some of you may not know: our hair grows back. this means that you should take chances. cut it a little shorter, color it a new shade of brown- or even something radical, like red. you own your hair, it doesn't own you. which is why i highly encourage changing it up. this is the current haircut i'm rocking. who knows what will come next?!

- Judah Smith: i heard him speak at a conference i was at a few weeks ago and his message was seriously powerful. but i wasn't convinced- speaking as someone who is in ministry- anyone can have a good night. but when i took to youtube and watched some of his other messages i realized he's the real deal. he loves God and he knows how to share that love in a sermon. check it out.

- Hipsters: they fascinate me and i think my friend matt is turning into one.

- Adele's new album- 21: OMG IT IS SO GOOD. ok, now i'm ashamed that i used "OMG" in my blog. but it is so, so good. the songs are poignant and sung so, so sweetly. this woman has major music chops.- Moleskins: so i think i am jumping onto this bandwagon a decade late... BUT i just bought my first moleskin and i am in head-over-heels, crazy, calling-and-hanging-up-when-he-answers in love (uh-oh, maybe i'm turning into a hipster)!! but i love this little journal. i love the rich red color, and how the pages are so soft. i love the little pocket on the back cover, that i still can't figure out what to use for. Moleskins, you are all i ever wanted in a journal.

- Justin Beiber: when my students first started trailing into my office professing their true love of the Beib's, i laughed. it reminded me of my obsession with N'Sync and since no one and nothing can make my heart beat like JC, i figured this kid was just another wannabe. i spent all last year mocking those with the fever. But 2 winter camps+never say never+the grammy's have made a beli-ber out of me.

ok i think this is enough for you to wade through... enjoy falling for these things, i know i have.

long time to wait...

i have had a lot swirling around in my head the past few weeks. i have been thinking about where my food comes from and what an incredible blessing it is that there is always something on my dinner table. i have been freaking out about turning 27. i have been stressed out of my mind as i try to think about what this summer will look like in programming and spirit. i have been getting excited to add another member to my family and also mourning the loss of our little foursome. so, so much. mostly i have spent so much time thinking about me. which, let's be honest, is what consumes us most of the time.

last week i went to an amazing conference. it was a gift from an incredibly generous family in our congregation. i got four days of sitting and absorbing wisdom from leaders who are older and wiser than me. i listened to andy stanley, christine kane, miles mcpherson, and so many more. it was a much needed week for me. there were three things that stood out to me and i'm going to do my best to express them here, but who knows how that will go.

the first night david platt was our closing speaker. he spoke about being radical. he charged us to live lives that reveal the extreme nature of the Jesus we follow. he reminded us that there is no time to waste. here's a quote from his talk: "we don't have time to play games with our lives. we don't have time to play games in our church. we serve a God who deserves complete devotion. if you're going to follow Him, you must give up everything you have. surely this Savior is worth more than casual church attendance. surely He is worth reckless abandonment!" WOW. i felt goosebumps all over when he said that. i was reminded that my Jesus asked me to pick up my cross and follow him. i want so desperately to let go of everything i'm holding onto and grasp hold of Him.

the second night is where my next two moments of epiphany happened. the first was during the closing speaker's talk. judah smith (who you should youtube, because his sermons are freaking amazing) spoke about what we do while waiting for God to fulfill promises He's given us. he spoke about how we wrestle in the tension of partially fulfilled promises. i realized that i've been spending my life waiting for the fulfillment of that promise. i've been holding my breath and the more purple my face turns- the angrier at God i get. i turn my head to the sky and i yell, "when?! when are you going to recognise that i've waited long enough!" but moses never reached the promised land and abraham never met the promised nation. following my Jesus depends not on what He's promised me. it depends entirely on His goodness, His power, and His calling. So Jesus gets all my days, all my nights, all of my life, all of me.

the last amazing thing that happened, happened during worship one night. they had gungor lead us in worship. i love gungor. here is a band that plays masterfully and writes lyrics that are intense and honest. i closed my eyes and listened as they strung together the drums, piano, guitars, and cello. i let the music wash over me and then it hit me. here are the lyrics to the song they were singing:

"all this pain, i wonder if i'll ever find my way. i wonder if my life could really change at all. all this earth, could all that is lost ever be found? could a garden come up from this ground at all?

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

all around hope is springing up from this old ground. out of chaos life is being found in you.

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

you make me new. you are making me new."

and then it hit me. it hit me like it always does in those moments when i stop thinking about myself and think instead, about my Jesus. i am loved. i am a broken, selfish, ugly thing. but my God, the God who parts seas and raises the dead loves me. and that love- HIS LOVE transforms me into a beautiful thing. i am being made new. my thoughts and fears and desires are slowly, very slowly being made new. it is a great and glorious thing to realize.