where are the flying cars?

i love january. i think it may be one of my favorite months out of the year. not only is it a fresh start, but it's crisp and cool and fresh. gosh i have such a crush on january. and i've been busy trying to think of a good way to sum up 2010.

here's what i've come up with: the following is a list of 10 songs that defined me in 2010. the songs are ones that had me in tears, singing at the top of my lungs, inspired me to try my hand at greatness. so enjoy them. i hope there's something on here that you haven't heard yet, but more than that i hope that you take time to think about your own year.

2010:

1. divine romance: phil wickham. now we already know about this one because i have written a blog about it. go read it and find out why it made my list.

2. on my own: original song from the boradway show, les miserables. this simple, quiet song is the perfect expression of my dreams. its the story of one girl's dreams. she is walking all by herself, imagining a world where she isn't alone. its haunting and sad and yet really, really beautiful. this line gets me every time: "and i know its only in my mind, that i'm talking to myself and not to him. and although i know that he is blind, still i say there's a way for us. i love him but when the night is over, he is gone- the river's just a river."

3. i didn't know my own strength: whitney houston. when i saw whitney's interview with Oprah, i just was astounded how one person could hold so much pain and not fall over. and when i heard the lyrics of this song i thought that it is the perfect anthem for anyone who has a hurt to deep to stitch together by themselves.

4. beautiful, scandalous night: robby seay band. this is one of those jesus songs that gives me goose bumps. i ended up using it during 30 hour famine communion. it is such a loving lullaby about that night where our precious jesus changed everything. there are moments when i hear it where i swear i can hear the faintest jeers of the crowd. and when i close my eyes i see tears in the eyes of the disciples.

5. forget you: glee cast, featuring gwyenth paltrow. ok, here's a completely shallow, dance around one. i had a hard time narrowing down the gLee music. there could be a list 50 songs deep just of gLee covers. but here's a song i play on repeat more times than i care to admit. i roll down my windows, blast the speakers, and sing at the top of my lungs. yes, i have people staring and sometimes laughing, but i just can't muster up enough shame to care.

6. foux du fafa: flight of the conchords. when the amazing and wonderful matt gebhart first told me about flight of the conchords four years ago, i doubt he could forsee what a creepy fan i'd become. this song delights me not just because of the frenchy-ness, but because of the complete silliness of it all.

7. i'm still standing: elton john. is any music list complete without a little elton? this song hits me on so many glorious levels. it's a perfect dance around my roon song and at the same time you're belting out lyrics that empower you. LOVE IT.

8. i gotta feeling: the black eyed peas. i'm not going to lie to you. the music genius in me is ashamed that this song is on my list. but i can't ignore it's importance this year. i went to a giant number of weddings and it was played at every single one of them. i went to a U2 concert with three of the most important mentors in my life (hollar kusels and barrykins) and the peas opened with this song, with slash. its just too muddled into my year to ignore it.

9. stand up: sugarland. i have a feeling this song is going to creep into 2011, but it just made the cut because i came across it in december. its this powerful plea for us to care more about our world. sometimes i wish life was a musical so it wouldn't be "haul me away" crazy for me to sing passionately to strangers. and when i see horrible news stories or want to strangle the ignorance out of people, this is the song i want to sing them.

10. coming home: diddy dirty money. so p.diddy has changed his name once again. and along with that change he is shaking up hip hop music. this song makes me want to wave my hands in the air. this year the idea of home has been an important theme for me. i like the ideas puff is unwrapping here.

the impact...

today is world AIDS day. today is the day when the world steps back and thinks about this disease that is wiping out a generation. this illness that has ravished a country that i love so much. it's the day when we think about the children that are without homes and parents, the sisters without brothers, the fathers without sons, the mothers without daughters. well at least it's supposed to be. i'm not sure that many people know about today. so i thought i would share a personal experience that i have and my hope is that as you read it you will see that you can make a difference. my hope is that you will be inspired towards change and that you will use your talents and your strengths to help.

i was fifteen the first time i really heard about AIDS. i had learned about the disease clinically in school before then. but it wasn't until the summer before my sophomore year of high school that i really saw what AIDS was- how it destroyed. i was on a mission trip in mexico. i was working with ywam and one night they showed us a video promoting their mercy ship program. during the presentation they told a story of this young girl. when they mercy ship arrived to her village they found that this five year old had never been held, she was ostracized from her community, she didn't know how to speak. she was totally and utterly alone because her mother had died of AIDS. i remember sitting on my fold-out chair with tears streaming down my face. i watched her little face and wanted to pack my bags and head to africa right then and there.

i think in some circles working in africa is considered to be fashionable. i think there are people who think about africa as a place they can go save or somewhere exotic where they can do some "good". it didn't feel that way for me. at fifteen years old, sitting in mexico, i wanted to go to africa- not because i thought i could help or because i thought it would be cool. watching that little girl, a world away, i realized that africa was where the missing piece of my heart was. the funny thing was i didn't even know the piece was missing till i saw that movie. but there it was: one five minute missions video and my whole life was changed.

it would be three years till my passport would have that very special stamp in it. and in those three years of waiting i remember that i gobbled up every piece of information i could get on AIDS. i cried through documentaries and wanted to throw up when i read about the stigma and assumptions made about those suffering. once i was in south africa i couldn't wait to do something. i remember wishing i had the gifts to find a cure. but when i walked into my first AIDS hospital and saw the beds shoved together and the patients- alone, hurting, a whisper of who they once were, i knew that there was nothing i could do.

so i just settled into the skin that God gave me and i sat down next to the first cot. i reached my hand out and held onto a stranger. i asked for his name and his story. i held a straw while he tried to drink. i cried as i watched him sleep. i just spent the day there.

i want to make something really clear: i didn't do anything. i am sure that man died. i am sure it was painful and scary and horrible. i'm positive he was alone. when i sat with him for that afternoon it didn't change that. and for a long time that day was counted among my most painful. for years after i would think of that day and just burst into utterly helpless tears. but as i have thought about it, i realized something important: i was making that day about me. i was thinking about how his death affected me, how watching his suffering made me feel. but that day wasn't about me.

AIDS is a big, scary disease. there is no cure. when you see it up close you see how it robs people of their life. even in a country where medicine is affordable and in supply AIDS sets your schedule and it dictates your freedom. there is nothing we can do until a cure is found. and even when that day comes it won't erase all the pain and devastation that came before it. but that doesn't mean you can't help. instead of making it about you- what you can give or how big the problem seems to you- just breathe. spend some time in prayer. come to our Father and ask Him what your role should and can be. love someone. love someone who has lost a family member or a friend. love someone who is currently dealing with AIDS. just be who God made you to be, that is more than enough.

turkey day...

This year for thanksgiving i cooked. it was so much fun and i must say my family was amazing. they let me run rampent in that kitchen. they were helpful and most of them (cough*cough tyler cough*cough) were able to sense when i needed a little space to focus.

there was a big difference in our holiday this year, though. this is the first major holiday we've had since tyler and rachel got engaged. the night before thanksgiving day i was sitting at my kitchen table with rachel and we were pouring over a new cookbook i have called sauces (more updates in the future about this book. it is amazing!). as we talked about the food i was struck by how grown up that moment was. when i was little i remember watching my mom and my aunt lisa do the same thing together. it seemed to me that sister-in-laws were the best. you always have a buddy but you don't have to share a room or clothes. and here i was with my very own. rachel is the best blessing and she is one of the things i'm most thankful for.

here's some pictures of the food. you'll notice that there aren't very many. it was hard to be the photographer and still make sure the food came out.

long time no blog...

i have been avoiding my blog. to be honest i have been avoiding my life (well, aspects of my life). recently i was visited my an old and cherished friend and he (as old and cherished friends often do) called me out on some of my... hmmm... i have no good word for this. let's use "habits". we sat at my kitchen table and he spoke with me about my natural inclination toward hiding and distrust. he talked (i cried) as he pried into what makes me so closed off. at the end of the conversation i just sort of wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.


there are a lot of people in my life who would consider themselves to be close friends of mine. but if i'm being really, painfully honest i would say that i don't trust many of them. i don't say that to be rude. i say it as an example of how easy it is for me to play a part. and i'd love to blame that on the pastor kid thing, but i just don't think that's the truth. my whole life i've felt like if i show who i really am then people will leave. people won't love. people will hurt. so i hold it all inside. thusly (i just love the use of "thusly" here) i've been avoiding my blog because for whatever reason i find myself totally able to be completely myself here.


but something has been happening this week: i'm not exactly sure what it is. i'm still the same uncertain, insecure, worry-wart of a girl that i've always been. but somewhere along the line this week i started to think that maybe, just maybe i don't have to be.


i've been reading brennan manning's book: the ragamuffin gospel and he writes something that just begs to be repeated:

"think about this with me. your Father God loves you as you are, not as you should be. He loves you beyond fidelity and infidelity, beyond worthiness and unworthiness. He loves you in the morning sun and the evening rain. He loves you equally in your state of grace and in your state of disgrace. He loves you withouth caution, regret, boundary, limit, breaking point. no matter what happens or what you do... He can't stop loving you!!"

When I read that I thought: "what if you believed that Chelsea? what if you trusted that no matter what happens God loved you?" it would change everything. what if we really truly believed that there was no where we could run from the love of our Father? and here's an even crazier thought...

WHAT IF WE LOVED OTHERS THAT WAY? wouldn't everything change if we loved ourselves less and others more. and i'm not just talking about the people we already love. i'm not counting our mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters or husbands or children. what if i loved a stranger or an enemy the way that Christ loves me?

right now it's just a jumble of thoughts. right now it's just a baby step; a whisper in the back of my head. but i think as i work so hard to be someone who is worthy of love i am finally beginning to get it. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.

some love from martha...

so my posts have been of the serious nature lately and i thought i'd change it up, just for fun. one of my favorite things i do with the youth group kiddos is cookie points. whenever they do something sweet or make me laugh or are helpful i give them cookie points. when they reach 100 cookie points i hand them martha stewart's cookie cookbook and let them choose the ones they'd like. cookie points not only keep the chaos to a dull roar but they also force me to attempt recipes i'd never go near (ask me about the disaster that was making fortune cookies). i thought i'd share a recent recipe with you. it was pretty simple and ricky loved his cookies so slam dunk!

Vanilla Malted Cookies

ingreidents

- 2 3/4 c flour

- 3/4 c plain malted milk powder

- 1 tsp baking powder

- 3/4 tsp salt

- 2 sticks (1 c) unsalted butter at room temp

- 3 ounces cream cheese at room temp

- 1 c sugar
- 1 vanilla bean, split and seeds scraped

- 1 egg

- 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

1. preheat the oven and mix the dry ingridents together.


2. Cream butter and cream cheese. Then add sugar, vanilla, vanilla bean, and egg. Slowly add in the dry ingriedents a bit at a time.

3. Transfer dough to a pastry bag (or you can use a gallon ziploc and snip the end of it) fitted with a large star tip. Pipe 2 1/2 inch stips on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

4. Bake until edges are golden brown (for me this was about 7 min). Transfer to wire racks to cool and enjoy!

a soft place to land...

the following post is some things i've been feeling for the last few weeks. it is not meant to spark a political, religious, or social debate. it is not meant to express a definitive school of thought. it is not here so that my readers and/or i can win an argument. if you have a problem with any of that this is not a post you should read.

i'm sure so many of you have heard about the recent teen suicides. by now celebrities and news outlets and newspapers have covered it almost too completely. so maybe you've heard the debate about what part bullying played in these suicides. maybe you've participated in the discussion about homosexuality or maybe you have thought about what conversations you could have with your kids or friends or teachers to help.

i didn't. i didn't have very many conversations. i didn't watch all the coverage. mostly, i spent last week crying. as someone who works closely with teens these stories devastated me. as someone who was bullied these stories haunt me. but mostly as someone who knows her Jesus is big enough to heal any wound these stories make me sad for the hope that could have been.

here's what i think: i think we hate too much. i think as a society we say, "you're too short. too fat. too stupid to belong." i think we look to rip apart that which makes us different. i think that we all feel broken and less than so when we have a chance to hide that pain and fling it on someone else we jump at it.

my whole life i have felt worthless. maybe that surprises some of you. i do a pretty good job of hiding how i really feel. since the 4th grade i have felt fat and ugly and unlovable. when i was growing up i heard a lot of grown ups say "it gets better" or "being a teenager isn't the end of the world you think it is". but those sentiments didn't hold me when i was in my room doing my best to fight the loneliness that was creeping its way into my heart. i was utterly convinced that because of how i looked and who i was i would never be loved or wanted. and more or less i've battled those thoughts since i was 10.

so when i heard about these kids who had flung themselves off bridges or hung themselves because of their own loneliness i just cried. if not for a handful of very important people and the grace of my God those stories could be mine. and i've thinking all week trying to figure out what i want to say about this. so here it is. it's not super profound but it comes from the very depth of who i am and it is as genuine and naked as i know how to be.

you are loved. you, who are reading this post. you are loved and you do not walk through this world alone. whether you believe me or not the God of the universe, the one who thought up the ocean and whispered the stars into being loves you. and His love is steady- lean into it. His love saved me when no one else and nothing else could. he takes you, gay or straight, black or white, fat or thin. he accepts you in all your varying states of brokenness. he holds you. he loves you. but just in case that feels a little too far away, i want you to know something else: i love you too. my heart may not be as big as His, but it is big enough for you. if you are reading this and you need a soft place to land here it is. if you need someone to talk to, here i am. you are valued and worthy and loved. that's all. pretty simple.

way beyond singing in the shower...

my parents think i have a problem and that problem has only one name: gLee! this past year it is my biggest obsession. this show speaks to so many parts of me: drama queen chelsea, theatre freak chelsea, lonely chelsea, happy chelsea, rock star chelsea, comedian chelsea. all the parts of me are happy.

and yes, sometimes its cheesy and the plots are often pretty predictable. but i think there's something to be said for a show that just makes you smile. when i watch gLee it's this small space in my life when i get to shut off all the noise in my head. i just enjoy it.

maybe this little bit of information is obvious... but... ever since i was 9 years old and the billon family took me to see beauty and the beast at the pantageous i have wanted to perform on stage. i see myself belting out songs from wicked all covered in green make-up. i can hear the laughter as i take my turn in barefoot in the park. broadway and i were meant to be together. it's just the way it always should have been. i never made it. well, i guess if we're being really honest i never tried to make it and that's it's own post. but for that 45 minutes when i watch gLee i feel like i'm there. i feel like ryan murphy had a secret window into my heart and made a show just for me.

if you don't watch gLee watch this and try not to smile. i dare you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k40iccZFWfw