Veg-Head

in youth group the kiddos and i have been talking about self-discipline. partly because 30 Hour Famine is upon us and partly because its a good conversation to have with teenagers (frankly its a good conversation to have with adults). i've been encouraging my students to find ways in their lives that they can begin to practice this idea. but i think that an important part of leadership is showing your students that the talks you give and the bible lessons you teach, apply to everyone. so i've been looking for a way to practice what i preach.

hence for the month of february i will be a vegitarian. its something i've been wanting to try for awhile. i already love veggies and i find myself having lunch at green temple more often than i like to admit. but i also love me some red meat, chicken, pork, and above all else: FISH! so i have put off my little experiment because i haven't wanted to deny myself. but lately i have been thinking that a little dip in DE-NIAL (haha, get it? DE-NIAL/DE NILE) is good every once and awhile.

check back here for updates on how it's going. tonight is my last meal of delicious meat until march 1st.

every beat...

the other night i went and saw Blue Valentine. the following is a report of what it did to my heart. i should say there will probably some spoilers, but they shouldn't be major (although don't hold me to that). this is what i knew going into the movie: ryan gosling was in it (WHOO-HOO!), michelle williams was in it (yay for dawson's creek alum!), and it was getting tons of oscar buzz. that's it. that's all i knew. sometimes this is my favorite way to see a movie. my expectations were minimal and i just sat and absorbed the story. the theatre went dark and the music began and i had no idea where we were going (p.s. this is also how i like to drive).

here's the cliff notes version of the plot: the story follows this couple (dean and cindy) over a seemingly ordinary weekend. they're married, they have a little girl, and clearly their lives are void of the color that used to be there. cindy's tired of feeling like the only adult in the house, dean's desperate to get back the affection his wife once offered freely. over the course of the weekend the movie flashes back to how they met. you see them fall in love; you see how they came to get married. the writers and director do an amazing job of making you really root for these two people. as the movie progresses you realize that this ordinary weekend isn't so ordinary. this is the weekend that their marriage is ending. this is the weekend when their lives are falling apart. this is the weekend when their little girl's world is changed forever.

now any of you who have seen a movie with me know that i am a crier. it doesn't take much to get the waterworks started. but this movie didn't just make me cry. as i watched it a weight settled in my heart. dean loved cindy. cindy loved dean. and yet here they were broken. i kept wanting to scream at the screen, "don't give up! work through it! you're not really listening to each other! IT GETS BETTER!" i felt like i had this secret hope that they didn't know about. i think the most devastating part was that the director didn't "hollywood up" the plot. no one cheated. no one was secretly a vampire. they just lived their lives- flawed, imperfect. their love wasn't star-crossed or special for any reason. in the beginning they chose each other. in the end they didn't.

i walked away from Blue Valentine frustrated. i walked away wishing i could rewrite a happy ending. i walked away pretty sure that marriage is the hardest thing on the planet and thinking i may never want to sign up for that marathon (i admit that is probably a slight exaggeration). but i also walked away thinking it was a pretty good depiction of a relationship with God.

we go to camp in jr. high and feel this first blush of love. we accept Jesus into our heart and we are sure that nothing will ever be able to puncture the bubble loving him puts us in. but then we live our life and pain seeps its way into everything. we get busy with school, friends, jobs, kids, tv, whatever. suddenly we aren't listening anymore. slowly we're going through the motions of our relationship. and we try to get it back. we go on retreats or hear a good sermon. we try to feel whatever it was that first brought us to the throne room of Christ. but its hard. its work. HE ISN'T SPEAKING. or maybe we're not listening. either way our attendance on Sunday morning gets more sporadic. our Bible sits by our bed collecting dust. we stop bringing our decisions and our pain and our joy to Him. we take back our life.

when the credits rolled on Blue Valentine i remembered that i'm already in a marriage. i'm in relationship with the God of the universe. i don't want to walk away. i'm never walking away.

where are the flying cars?

i love january. i think it may be one of my favorite months out of the year. not only is it a fresh start, but it's crisp and cool and fresh. gosh i have such a crush on january. and i've been busy trying to think of a good way to sum up 2010.

here's what i've come up with: the following is a list of 10 songs that defined me in 2010. the songs are ones that had me in tears, singing at the top of my lungs, inspired me to try my hand at greatness. so enjoy them. i hope there's something on here that you haven't heard yet, but more than that i hope that you take time to think about your own year.

2010:

1. divine romance: phil wickham. now we already know about this one because i have written a blog about it. go read it and find out why it made my list.

2. on my own: original song from the boradway show, les miserables. this simple, quiet song is the perfect expression of my dreams. its the story of one girl's dreams. she is walking all by herself, imagining a world where she isn't alone. its haunting and sad and yet really, really beautiful. this line gets me every time: "and i know its only in my mind, that i'm talking to myself and not to him. and although i know that he is blind, still i say there's a way for us. i love him but when the night is over, he is gone- the river's just a river."

3. i didn't know my own strength: whitney houston. when i saw whitney's interview with Oprah, i just was astounded how one person could hold so much pain and not fall over. and when i heard the lyrics of this song i thought that it is the perfect anthem for anyone who has a hurt to deep to stitch together by themselves.

4. beautiful, scandalous night: robby seay band. this is one of those jesus songs that gives me goose bumps. i ended up using it during 30 hour famine communion. it is such a loving lullaby about that night where our precious jesus changed everything. there are moments when i hear it where i swear i can hear the faintest jeers of the crowd. and when i close my eyes i see tears in the eyes of the disciples.

5. forget you: glee cast, featuring gwyenth paltrow. ok, here's a completely shallow, dance around one. i had a hard time narrowing down the gLee music. there could be a list 50 songs deep just of gLee covers. but here's a song i play on repeat more times than i care to admit. i roll down my windows, blast the speakers, and sing at the top of my lungs. yes, i have people staring and sometimes laughing, but i just can't muster up enough shame to care.

6. foux du fafa: flight of the conchords. when the amazing and wonderful matt gebhart first told me about flight of the conchords four years ago, i doubt he could forsee what a creepy fan i'd become. this song delights me not just because of the frenchy-ness, but because of the complete silliness of it all.

7. i'm still standing: elton john. is any music list complete without a little elton? this song hits me on so many glorious levels. it's a perfect dance around my roon song and at the same time you're belting out lyrics that empower you. LOVE IT.

8. i gotta feeling: the black eyed peas. i'm not going to lie to you. the music genius in me is ashamed that this song is on my list. but i can't ignore it's importance this year. i went to a giant number of weddings and it was played at every single one of them. i went to a U2 concert with three of the most important mentors in my life (hollar kusels and barrykins) and the peas opened with this song, with slash. its just too muddled into my year to ignore it.

9. stand up: sugarland. i have a feeling this song is going to creep into 2011, but it just made the cut because i came across it in december. its this powerful plea for us to care more about our world. sometimes i wish life was a musical so it wouldn't be "haul me away" crazy for me to sing passionately to strangers. and when i see horrible news stories or want to strangle the ignorance out of people, this is the song i want to sing them.

10. coming home: diddy dirty money. so p.diddy has changed his name once again. and along with that change he is shaking up hip hop music. this song makes me want to wave my hands in the air. this year the idea of home has been an important theme for me. i like the ideas puff is unwrapping here.