The Final Book of THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY

SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT

ok i hope you were adequately warned. i'm not exactly sure where to start the process of unraveling my thoughts about this book. and so, i am going to begin with the basics.

Mockingjay was in my opinion the darkest book of the trilogy. it was technically written with the most focus and cohesion. it was amazing. i finished it in four hours. i told myself i wouldn't start it until the weekend when i knew i had time to go to the beach and lay in the sun and soak it in. HA! i couldn't fall asleep the day it came because i knew it was out on my kitchen table. so around 12pm i finally crawled out of bed and just gave into temptation. i'm sooooo glad that katniss didn't end up with stupid gale because i have hated his character from the beginning and he didn't grow on me in this book either. i cried when prim died, but not as hard as i had cried in book 2 when cinna died.

ok let's get into the real meat of this book...

suzanne collins writes of war and desperation and hopeless choices as if she has lived them. she reminds me of tim o'brien who's stories of vietnam always left me feeling enraged and full of sorrow and wanting to do something, anything to change our world. there is a moment on page 369 that i want to write about. the capitol has fallen and the new president has called a meeting with the only remaining hunger games champions to propose an idea...

"... 'What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power.'

All seven of us turn to her. 'What?' says Johanna.

'We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children,' says Coin...

'I vote no with Peeta,' Annie says. 'So would Finnick if he were here.'

'But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him,' Johanna reminds her.

'No,' says Beetee. 'It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point unity is essential for our survival. No.'

Was it like this then? Seventy-five years or so ago? Did a group of people sit around and cast their votes on initiating the Hunger Games? Was there dissent? Did someone make a case for mercy that was beaten down by the calls for the deaths of the districts' children? The scent of Snow's rose curls up in my nose, down into my throat, squeezing it tight with despair. All those people I loved, dead, and we are discussing the next Hunger Games in an attempt to avoid wasting life. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change now."

Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change now. those words have been haunting me since i read them. because when i think about the Lord, when i think of my Jesus who changed everything with one act of selflessness i know that every thing's changed. and if we are created in his image than i know that if we all tried to live our lives with grace and compassion and mercy than we could really change things.

we live in a world that teaches us life is complicated. war is about freedom and money and resources and power. and our government is empowering and oppressive and hopeless and exciting. there's so many grey areas. there's so many things to think about. and i know that no matter how badly i want to, there are aspects of our world set in stone. there are things that we can never change. but there's this fire in me to try.

we are searching for something that is right in front of us. LOVE GOD AND LOVE OTHERS. that means forgive even when you are owed righteous anger. it means give when you want to get. it means swallow your pride and your own needs and hold your hand out to someone who needs it. it means letting go of cynicism and embracing naivety.

as i was reading about this world that collins created i realized that this isn't a far off fantasy. this isn't a world we will never see. this is basically the world we live in now. true we're not quite to the point of watching children murder each other for food on national television. but honestly, i don't think we're as far from it as we'd like to believe. we live in a world full of taking and consuming and waste. and i live here too. i buy my toms shoes and feel good that a child somewhere in africa is getting their own pair. but i walk by the homeless man that sits in front of my apartment building who has no shoes. i feel superior because i live in a country that has running water and education available to all. i am prideful. i am weak. i love reality tv. and i think that so often when i feel prompted to do something about this darkness i feel in my life i'm quick to find "balance". i say to myself, "there's nothing wrong with the blessings God has given me. i shouldn't feel bad because i'm warm and well fed."

why shouldn't i? if i've learned anything from Jesus it's that he wasn't about balance. he asked his disciples to leave behind families. he told the rich young man to give up everything. he even took a small boy's loaves and fishes to feed the masses.

i guess at the end of this book i realized a couple things. one, i'm tired of the middle ground. two, i want to be radical and brave and i want to die knowing that i gave every ounce of myself to the Lord. i am one voice. i am one set of hands and one pair of feet. i'm one heart. and i'm ready to go. if you want to join me there's more than enough room.

the best part of my job...

i spent all last week at camp. the jr. highers and i trekked our way to forest home and we spent five glorious days hiking, swimming, crafting (yes, i'm using the term "crafting"), and just enjoying God's beautiful creation.

a lot of work goes into sending kiddos to camp. there's filling the spots, paperwork, medical forms, packing lists, finding drivers, and all sorts of other headaches. and sometimes i get caught up in doing those important tasks. the day before we left i wanted so badly to crawl under my bed and not come out. i thought, "seriously? could anything else go wrong? is camp really worth all this?"

as usual God reminded me that its always worth it. i watched my kiddos last week as they loved each other. i watched them open their hearts to God. I was lucky enough to lead one of our girlies to Christ. I was blessed to watch our kids wash each other's feet. we threw our hands in the air and sang at the top of our voices. we walked with God. of course it took a week away for me to remember the best part of my job: i get to help students fall in love with God. i get to show them the reason i get out of bed in the morning. i get to walk with them as they discover the amazing call God has for them. it's a joy. it's a privilage. so enjoy these pictures of my beautiful students from camp. it was a great week.

The Hunger Games...

last week one of my students suggested i read this book called: the hunger games. its the first in a series of three. the following is what's been floating around in my head since i read the first two (3rd one comes out on july 25th and i personally can't wait).

WARNING*SPOILERS AHEAD*

at some point in the future what used to be north america has split into 12 districts. the districts live in varying degrees of poverty. and they all wait anxiously for the annual "hunger games". there used to be 13 districts but then district 13 tried to revolt against the capitol because they were tired of living stripped of their freedom. to remind the rest of the districts what happens when someone tries to start a revolution the capitol came up with the games. each year, each district is forced to send 2 tributes to the capitol: one boy and one girl between the ages of 12 and 18. there they will compete in a battle to the death with the other tributes. the winner, wins food for their district.

this story grabbed me right from the beginning. i'm not going to go into the obvious reasons i loved this book. of course there was great plot, good characters and a love triangle that shows twilight for the soul sucker that it is. but that's just the frosting. i want to express here what grabbed my heart about this book. but bear with me because i'm not sure i quite know how to explain it.

there was this emotion that was bubbling under the surface but i couldn't name it until i was halfway through the second book: catching fire; ANGER. real, strong, surprising anger.

i've spent most of my life living in a world that lets me read what i want to read, or watch what i want to watch. i'm allowed to say what i want to. there's no one forcing me to marry or holding me back from being anything i want to be. and on an even more basic level there's always more than enough food on my table and a warm bed to climb into at night. this book created a world where those things don't exist. it spun a society where 12 year olds are turned into killers, fighting for the chance to feed their families. and even though its fiction, even though we read it and exclaim, "how awful, that would never happen here!" its happening somewhere.

i've seen enough of this planet we live on to know that not everyone lives as comfortably as i do. i've seen what real hunger looks like. i've smelled the desperation one has when trying to feed their families. i walked with women who were beaten down and trodden on. i've spoken with people who genuinely fear for their lives while they pray or sing or read. it happens. it is happening.

and what am i doing about it? the more i pages i read of this story the more i was reminded of this warrior that lives in me. this woman who would travel any distance and give up anything to love. but the warrior's been asleep for years now. i send money to causes i care about and am satisfied with my contribution. but that's not really fighting anything. it makes a dent, it helps, but it isn't a fight. it doesn't cost me anything.

i'm tired of reading about bombings and disease and racism and persecution and ignorance. i'm tired of watching teenagers on mtv complain about their sweet 16 party while teenagers in the congo are fighting for their lives. i don't want to trivialize hunger. i don't want to underestimate fear. i believe that the God who knit me together in my mother's womb knit together everyone else too. i believe that the inheritance that awaits me can be yours. i believe that my skin color, the country stamped on the front of my passport, the amount of money i have in my bank account don't mean that i'm better than anyone else. i want to show my children's children that i helped carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. because someone's got to carry it and i think the burden is lighter when we share.

the hunger games made me hungry. it made me hungry for change, for possibility. it made me hungry to see us treat each other with respect. i've got a few ideas about how to make that happen permeating around in my brain. i'll let you know when something concrete hits.

filling out the picture...

it was 2003 when i first became rachel thom's leader. she was in the very first small group i ever led and she was my very first "special project". which basically just means that she stole my heart from the beginning. rachel was stubborn, loud, silly, compassionate, sensitive, creative, and tenacious. so really its a wonder that she wasn't everybody's "special project".

In 2009 my family looked like this:

and although this family picture is amazing and has some of the best people in it. it's missing something... i think it's missing this face:

my brother agrees because last weekend he proposed and i couldn't be more thrilled. i'm finally getting to add to that picture. and in adding to family i think its important to have someone who loves God, someone who is courageous and smart and funny. i think you have to have someone who loves to play and doesn't mind getting their hands dirty. so it's lucky we get rachel, because she is all that and more.

daddy fix it...

when we're children nothing seems too impossible for mom and dad. as children we trust completely that every broken toy can be mended. we believe that a lost blankey will be found. and perhaps the phrase uttered the most is: 'fix it'. i'm not sure at what point i stopped saying that. but somewhere along the line my problems seemed too big for my mom and dad. as i grew up i didn't want them to know that i'd broken something or lost something.

for example my sophmore year of high school, the big trend was adias shoes. but not the regular black with white stripes. no, if you were really cool you had white ones and some sort of colored stripe. that's right baby! i remember begging and pleading to get a pair. i finally, finally wore mom down and she took me to the mall. i found the perfect pair. they were crisply white with berry colored stripes. no one i knew had berry and i was sure i'd be the envy of my class. monday morning i showed up with my new kicks, feeling good. when gym came i changed in the locker room and then left my shoes on the bench in front of my gym locker. i used to do that with my old sneakers every day and it was never a problem. but when i came back to change after gym my shoes were gone. i was devestated. but i never told a single person. i didn't want my mom to know that i'd left my shoes out.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately. this is what i do with God. when i was in YWAM i didn't think there was a single problem on the planet God couldn't fix. and even if i was embarassed to admit something, i didn't let that stop me from falling at his feet. i wanted Christ more than i wanted to be right. I wanted Christ more than I wanted self respect or pride or hurt or whatever. but somewhere along the line I've stopped saying, "fix it".

so today i'm trying to remember something important. today i'm trying to remember that my Abba can do big things. He can part the seas and move mountains and raise the dead. i'm not going to stop myself from reaching out for His help. He's big enough to fix it.

the pull...

one of my students asked me the other day why i care so much. she said something along the lines of: "chels you know you cry a lot, right? don't you think things would just be much easier if you didn't care quite so much? it probably would hurt a lot less when people disappointed you, if you didn't have any expectations for them."

now i firmly believe that a huge reason she was saying this was that we were in the middle of a discussion regarding my expectations for HER. so, probably if she wasn't getting a patented "chelsea-lecture" she wouldn't have said anything at all. but her point was well taken. she's right. so i started thinking about it. here's what i came up with:

i believe that God has created each of us in His image. i know that's a term that gets thrown around a lot, so let me tell you what i think it means. i think when God was busy painting the stars He was thinking about me. He was molding canyons and designing mocking birds. and He was also dreaming up His little girl: Chelsea Lee. Because God loves us so much, He wants to express that. in each of us He gives differently. if you read my blog then inevitably you've come across a post or two about the people i love and why i love them. i think those qualities are direct expressions of God's love for us.

when God was busy contemplating my qualities i think He knew He'd have to temper my pride, He'd need something that softened my tongue, and of course He knew that someday i would be hampered by my fear. So as He thought of those things, He came up with something to help pull me closer to Him and His will: my heart. God created me to love fiercely. its true that i care too much. and that caring often leads to heartbreak. when i think of the babies that i left in africa- i'm shattered. when i remember my friends who no longer walk with God i know i'm not whole. when i see someone broken and hurting and alone, all i want to do is hold them. i read the paper or see the news and i just want to get a giant microphone and scream, "stop hurting each other! stop competing and arguing. stop trying to put yourself first at someone's else's expense!"

all of those hurts are painful. my heart beats wildly for God's people and that means there are so many times when i feel let down. i know that my tears and my screams and my prayers are never enough, they will never be enough.

but if i'm honest (and i'm always honest on this blog) then i must say, i wouldn't have it any other way. i love to love. i love to know that when i am at my best my heart beats in time with God's. and that is an intimacy like no other.

here's what i've been up to lately...