cha-cha-changes...

i'm not quite sure where to start here and so bear with me if this blog veers wildly off course. if i was asked to describe myself in just a handful of words among the obvious choices (brilliant, beautiful, mother theresa-esque...) i would say "adventerous". and a lot of people would agree with that. i mean i've been to africa for pete's sake! surely i am a thrill seeker- someone who throws caution to the wind and just jumps into the giant abyss of the unknown. however, these past few weeks i've learned that in fact, i hate adventure. i. hate. it. because adventure is the passionate lover of change and those two bastards won't be satisfied until i'm dead.

i am about to take this giant leap and i'm terrified. i'm scared that i'm making a mistake. i'm scared that i'll hate it or mess my life up somehow. probably more than anything else i'm scared that it won't live up to the expectations that i've built.

and as i think back to each of the "adventerous" decisions i've made in my life, i realize that i didn't really make them. if it had been up to me i would have stayed completely stationary. i would have kept my feet on solid ground and left the flying up to the professionals. but here's a truth i know: God wants us to feel the wind in our hair. thankfully my God hasn't let me stay on the ground for too long. at just the right moments He pushes my arms upward. He lifts my eyes to the clouds and He tosses me off the biggest cliff He can find. and in moments of flight i can't help but think about how lucky i am to be soaring.

so even though there's still a brass band pounding away on my insides, even though at night it sometimes takes me hours to fall asleep because i'm listing potential horrible outcomes in my mind, and even though every time i think about leaving my students and my family i start to cry. even though the mountains are crumbling into the sea and the sky is on fire, i am going to fly. i am going to let myself be carried by the breeze. i am going to trust my God. He hasn't let me down yet.

Finding Mr. Bingley...

so today i did my favorite morning activity: i logged into my computer and scoped out my friend maryann's blog. it is my favorite place. while there i find humor, honesty, sorrow, joy, hope, and best of all: OZ! oz is maryann's cat. i hate cats and i have never met oz but somehow deep in my soul, i know that oz and i would be friends. anyway she had posted the story of how she came to bring oz home. i loved it. so, because i steal all my best blog ideas from maryann, here's the story of how mr. bingley came into my life, heart, and how he's changed everything.

i'd been wanting a dog since i was in college. well, that's not true. i'd been wanting the idea of a dog. i liked the idea of walking with a cute little furry guy. i liked the idea of bumping into fellow dog owners around town and talking about our dogs. i liked the idea of turning my life into a reese witherspoon movie when my dog wrapped his leash around the legs of a handsome stranger. i'd even picked a name for my not yet real pup: MR. BINGLEY (he's the real prize in pride and prejudice)! all these things sounded great, but the reality of picking up poop, spending tons of money, and having to basically find a baby-sitter if i wanted to leave the house for longer than 4 hours did not sound wonderful. so i put my pet ownership ideas aside.

a few years later i was living with my parents and my life felt so without color. i felt sad most of the time and couldn't quite place why. i barely saw my friends. i felt stuck. one night i was hanging out with my friends kevin and colleen and i was meeting their brand new puppy, zoey. she was so sweet and little. they told me they'd adopted her and her brother was still without a home. kevin told me that they hadn't been able to decide between her and her brother and showed me this picture of the dog that had been left behind.

i wanted him. but i lived with my parents and they had a dog and they had been very clear that if i wanted a pet it would have to be under another roof. but i thought i would try anyway. so i called my mom and kevin (who is much better at convincing my mom to do what i want her to do) started texting her. but she remained unmoved. there was no way she was giving it. i had heard that tone in her voice before. she meant business.

the next morning i went downstairs and my mom was sitting at the breakfast table. as i sat down to have a bowl of cereal, she told me that she had changed her mind and i could get the puppy. my first thought was that she had been taken over by body snatchers, but i didn't really care because the body snatchers were on my side. i sent an email to the founder of the puppy adoption organization and claimed mr. bingley (at the time named "skully") as my own. about a week later i drove to north torrance and picked up the tiniest little ball of fur i had ever met.

this was our first moment together



i can't really describe what having this little man has meant to me. partly because i don't want to be that person. you know, the one who talks about their pets like they're people. the person who you think is pathetic because they love their animals so much. my head knows that bingley is just a dog. but my heart, my heart believes something completely different. my heart knows that mr. bingley saved me. this year was a hard one for me. there's been a lot of change. there's been a lot of things that have left me wanting to hide under my blankets and never come out. but this dog makes me laugh. he snuggles up to me while i watch trashy tv. he loves me unconditionally and he needs me. he relys on me. he trusts me. he also steals my socks, chews up my shoes, pees in the house, and eats the electric cord of my very expensive hair straightener. but he's all mine and i'm all his.

he's gotten a lot bigger since i brought his 2 lbs of fur home. he now weighs in at around 30 lbs. but he's just as cute as he was on that first day. do you want to know what changed my mom's mind? of course you do, it's the best mystery in this post. she said during her quiet time that morning as she was praying, God told her to let me have the dog. as always my Abba knew exactly what i needed and made sure i got it. ok, enjoy these gratuitous pictures of bingley...

with the wind at my back...

i've been saving this post. i didn't want to publish it until i'd had a chance to tell my students that i was moving and i didn't want to publish it until i'd had a chance to really think about what i want to say. well both of those things have happened and so now i get to dive in! the following is specifically for the 6th-12th graders who have changed my whole life...

to my crazy little monsters who i love so much:
i'm not sure you know how much you mean to me and i want to take this chance to tell you. because you should know. you should know that you took my life and turned it upside down. you should know that my faith and my heart will never be the same because of you.
here's what you've taught me...
you've taught me to believe in miracles. i thought i already knew that one, but i had let my cynicism and fear slowly wipe it away. but here you are, believing. you've reminded me that there is no mountain too big. you've shown me that 12 teenagers can raise $14,000 or that with prayer all our hurts can be healed. you've shown me that when we believe, when we really believe, we can move mountains.
you have reminded me to laugh and not a polite giggle- but a loud "head-thrown-back" belly laugh. when i am with you i lose track of time, i forget to be sad or annoyed or angry. we laugh till our sides ache. we laugh till we're out of breath. we laugh at the crazy things you do. you drag joy into every crack of that youth room. there is nothing i love more than listening to you tell me about your day and laughing at your stories. you remind me that our God wants us to hold tightly to hope.
you've shown me to welcome everyone. i am so impressed with how you open your hearts and your arms to others. you do your best to be a group that welcomes everyone. you are a safe place. you've made our youth group a safe place. i love watching you at camp as you run to the forest home staff and show them how happy you are to be there. i love watching as you bring your friends to events. i love hearing you stick up for each other. thank you for teaching me that everyone deserves a place that they are seen.
You have taught me not to be ashamed of the gospel. you proclaim loudly, that you love Jesus! you bring friends to church, even friends who may not want to be there. you talk about the bible and prayer and your relationship with our Savior. you love God with all that you are and that is a light that shines so brightly.
i want you to know this: no matter how far apart we are, i hold you in my heart. there is no distance that will make me forget you. there aren't enough miles in our galaxy to separate you from my prayers and my love. you are seen. you are heard. you are loved. you are loved. you are loved. seattle is a long way away, but our hearts are tied together and there is nothing that can untangle that knot!
love always and forever,
chelsea

breathe in, breathe out, repeat...

this beautiful, crisp sunday morning i am meditating on this scripture and reminding myself that my God is in control. He is big enough for all my fear and worry and He is directing my path.

1 John 3:18-21
the message

"My dear children, let's not just talk about love, let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him."

wednesday's joy moment...

there are some days when i am overwhelmed by the belssings God has given me. there is so much i have to be grateful for. and i am realizing that i don't talk often enough of the great things in my life. so... today i am going to spend this blog just writing about one blessing. my prayer is that as you read this it will remind you of the joy in your own life.


so today i want to reflect on the blessing it is to work with my kiddos. i am often surprised by how much joy my job brings me. my students are thoughtful, caring, compassionate, hilarious, and have such strength. they work hard. the believe they can change the world. they love God. they love each other. they laugh and scream and shout and sing.

some of my favorite moments with them have been watching them worship. they worship God like He's standing right in front of them. that's amazing. i know adults who don't worship that way. it took me years to feel comfortable enough to worship like that. but that's who they are. they throw their hands in the air, they clap- even if it's off beat and no one else is clapping. they smile up at the sky and whisper their love to our GOD. it is sacred to watch them worship.

i also can't get enough of their stories. they can talk for days about an adventure they had or something funny that happened at school. i love it that they pour into the youth room on thursday night bursting to tell me about their day. i love that for them, i am a safe place. i love that they want to talk and share.

these students are my everything. they are the best part of my week. they challenge me and push me and drive me up a wall. but i am so, so, so, incredibly blessed to know them.

i love all of you so much! that never changes! no matter where you go or what you do, i want you to know that my love follows you.

bent- not broken...

this week God spoke to me in the most unlikely of places- which is so like Him. i'm always surprised by how surprised i am when i hear God's heart in a place seemingly devoid of Him. because let's be honest, God is everywhere, and no where is too far to His voice.

anyway, this week i watched a new nbc pilot called "bent". it's a typical sitcom and seemingly extremely dumb. but i love amanda peet (one of the stars) and thought i'd give the first episode a try. besides lately, all i've wanted to do is hide away from the world behind that glowing tv of mine. life has been a bit too harsh, reality slightly too jarring and i've been looking to escape. of course i should have known that there's no escaping my Abba, and even if there was, why would i want to???

there was a moment in the show when one of the characters was explaining a recent string of bad luck and he said, "i may be bent, but i'm not broken."

bent- not broken.

i have to say that i'm a little shocked at how much those words spoke to me. it's the perfect description of exactly how i feel. and i know that no matter what happens around me, no matter how much sorrow and pain and confusion and fear that comes my way, my God is bigger. my God is greater. my God is higher than any other.

bent. not broken.

paper hearts and chocolate...

usually i am one of those annoying girls who pretends to hate valentines day but secretly loves it and is just in a horrible mood because she doesn't have a valentine. but today i woke up with a great relization. today is a day we celebrate love and there are lots of people that i love and that love me back. HENCE (yes, i did just scream "hence" at you) the following is a list (not at all comprehensible) of my valentines. please to enjoy.