hide and seek...

when i was baby-sitting in high school my absolute favorite game to play with the kiddos was hide and seek. whoever invented hide and seek knew that no human being could keep a five year old entertained for five consecutive hours. at some point they'd need to sit in a bathtub, breathe, and hope said five year old took a few extra minutes to find them. i haven't played hide and seek in years, but recently i've picked it up again.

there's a gate that guards the entrance to my heart. it's tall and menacing. i've got really ugly trolls guarding said gate and a moat, just in case! no one gets further than i want them to. i've had the gate my whole life. i'm not sure what exactly prompted me to build it, but build i did and let me tell you, upkeep on a moat is not pretty.

but these past nine months that i've been living in seattle something really surprising has been happening: i've been taking down the gate. it's just a little at a time, a brick here, giving the trolls a vacation, things like that. last night i was talking with my class meeting (basically a small group my seminary places all students in) and i realized that the more i take apart my gate the more exposed i've been feeling. that nakedness has led me to hiding.

i've been hiding from my Abba. isn't that crazy? i've been avoiding church, been avoiding prayer, been avoiding the people in my life who help draw me closer to God. i'm not sure what i'm scared of. here i am, seminary student, cowering in a bathtub, hoping the God of the Universe takes a few extra minutes to find me (by the way, don't spend too much time dissecting that metaphor, it is not at all theologically sound).

here's the good news, actually here's the great news: that's ok!! we all hide from God. we all get scared and feel vulnerable. i think that when we have these seasons of bathtub cowering it's important to remember that they're just seasons. it's ok to give yourself a few extra minutes, but then stand up, get out of your hiding place and remind yourself that there's no where safer than Abba's embrace. i'm not sure i'm ready to come out of my hiding place quite yet, but i'm working on it. for right now, i'm content to know that eventually i'll be found and the gate will be all put away and what happens after that will be pure adventure.

To My Girls...

tomorrow is valentine's day and i've been thinking a lot about my girls. i've been thinking about the jr. high and high school students that i've worked with, mentored, and loved since they were little. there are some things that i wish someone would have said to me 20 valentine days ago. so, my sweet girls, this is for you....

to my girls:
valentine's day is another day in the year that we compare ourselves to others. it's a day that we look around and wish that our lives looked more like someone else's. i think it was designed to make women feel unsatisfied. if you're in a relationship than you have this expectation of what the night should look like. usually that expectation comes up short because your boy can't read your mind and even if he could, he probably doesn't possess the resources to make it rain while you're surrounded by twinkle lights and his embrace. if you're single than this is a night that you feel that singleness in every pore of your body. as someone that has never spent a valentines day with my soulmate (i haven't met him yet, but if you run across him tell him i'm getting pretty tired of waiting) pay attention to the following...

1. you are beautiful. every part of you is beautiful. we shouldn't need male attention to realize that, but somehow we do. but when you start to feel like smashing all the mirrors in your house because you're so disgusted with yourself, i want you to remember this: YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. God could have put you together any way He wanted and He wanted you just as you are. embrace that. be confident. trust that God doesn't make mistakes and He didn't make a mistake with you.

2. you are not alone. when all your friends start to get into relationships it feels like you missed the normal bus. i know it feels like you're all alone, but you aren't. you have people in your life who love you. don't discount that love because it doesn't fit into the box you want it to. embrace the fact that you have family and friends who care about you. when you feel like the loneliness is closing in, call one of those people up. let them love you!

3. there are thousands of adventures out there waiting for you. one of my biggest pet peeves is that there are no girl adventure movies. batgirl never gets to save the day (and let's be honest, she's not gonna catch any bad guys in those heels). the sandlot gang is sorely lacking in estrogen. in the movies girls are the prize. they're the thing all the boys fight over or they're there for eye candy and snarky one-liners. but that isn't reality. you can have thousands of adventures. you can travel the world. instead of watching your life pass by you while you wait for a valentine, get out there! go chase one of your dreams. get dirty. let yourself see what the stars look like on the other side of the ocean. i have had so much fun exploring. my life has been utterly and totally changed because i let God whisper adventure in my ear.

4. boys can be your friends. some of my best friendships are boys. boys are smart (sometimes) and funny. they teach you to not take yourself so seriously. they are loud and chaotic and fun. go have fun. go be friends with boys without hoping something else will happen. one of the ways that God taught me to value myself was through boys who didn't hold my hand or kiss me or buy me dinner. God taught me what it means to trust a man through friendships with great and wonderful men. go find yourself a matt janosov or a tyler hellinga. they will be some of your most treasured friendships.

5. lean into God. being single is hard. don't let anyone ever tell you it isn't. there are times that it feels like you will never get the someday you're waiting for. you are allowed to grieve that. and when it feels like the sadness is crushing you, go spend some time with God. talk with Him about your hurt. trust him with your hopes and your dreams. there is no love like the one He has for you. those aren't empty words. i have been waiting 29 years for a "someday" kind of love. there have been times that i thought the waiting would kill me. but in those moments i have leaned into my Jesus. i have trusted Him with every tear and i haven't ever regretted it. He loves me more than anyone ever can. i'm better because i trust that love.

i'm sure i've got more advice than this, but i think this is a good start. tomorrow when you're surrounded by paper hearts and chocolate boxes remember that you are loved. remember that you are so very important. and remember that you are never, never alone. i'm always a phone call away.
love,
chels

Currents: February...

I'm copying this idea from Maryann, because I love her, all her ideas, and her cats!

Currents: February 2013

Current Drink:
I've been digging the green tea recently. Mostly because it's hot but tastes like practically nothing. I am a fan of bland liquids.

Current TV Show:
I am so desperately in love with New Girl. Each week I am cracking up. This show is so fresh. It's hilarious.

Current Worry:
Mostly I worry about Bingley, all the time. Seriously. Like every day. It is pretty ridiculous. I worry that he's sick (he is constantly eating things he shouldn't). I worry that he misses Daisy and doesn't get enough socialization. Do dogs need to be socialized? Is that a thing? I worry that he spends too much time alone. Worry. Worry. Worry.

Current Location:
I'm going to say the SPU library because I basically live there.

Current Movie:
Thanks to Netflix I finally saw Pitch Perfect. I'm not gonna lie, I avoided this movie because my inner voice told me it would be incredibly stupid. But I'm gonna have to admit that my inner voice was a dirty liar and I LOVED IT!

Current Food:
Mulleady's Mac n' Cheese.

Current Obsession:
Babies. All of my friends are having tiny little nuggets of cuteness. I am obsessed. I love all the pictures they post and when I need a real life baby snuggle I can go visit the Ballast's and get some Sadie snuggles. Seriously what is it about that baby smell? It is like crack.

Current Book:
I mean, I could list all the books I have to read for school... other than that I don't really have time to read, which is sad and awful. Let's not talk about it.

Current Fashion:
Scarves! I am delighting in scarves.

Current Thankfulness:
I am profoundly thankful for the community I am building in Seattle. I cannot even begin to think of what my life would look like without them. They push me to be better. They love me when I fall short. They are truly God's gift to me.

Current Music:
I'm about to type something I never, ever thought I would: TAYLOR SWIFT IS AMAZING. Usually I can't stand Tay-Sway, but I am super digging her new album Red.

Current Wishlist:
To be debt free, but I have a feeling I'll be wishing for that for a long, long time.

an open letter...

dear nate:
i've been thinking about you a lot this week. my kiddos are headed your way for winter camp this weekend and since its the last weekend of jr. high winter camp it's their last weekend with you. i've been trying to come up with a way to explain how much you have meant to me and my students. but since i don't have a million dollars and can't send you bon jovi as a singing telegram... this letter will just have to do.

my first summer as the youth director at RLC i was at the end of my rope. ministry, as it turns out, was harder than i had anticipated. i felt like i had spent nine months waging battle. my program was teeny tiny and my students didn't seem to be listening to me. frankly, i wasn't listening to me. on the drive up to camp i remember thinking, "this week is my hail mary and if we don't score a touchdown i have no idea what is left to do, except maybe pack it in." i felt alone. i felt exhausted. but more than anything i felt God's silence. but something wonderful happened to me that week and that something wonderful was you.

when we sat in folding chairs on the first evening and you spoke about your heart for the week, your heart for students, and your heart for us leaders something profound happened in my spirit. i realized that i wasn't in it alone. the relief i felt in that moment can't be described. and you spent the rest of the week making sure i wasn't in it alone. nate, i hope you hear this from the very depth of your soul: you were Christ's hands and feet for me that week. your enthusiasm reminded me that i had joy left to give. your deep love for God showed me that i didn't have to have all the answers to love my students. the way you led your staff taught me how to lead mine. i am utterly and profoundly grateful to you for those things.

i want you to know that you have left a mark on forest home. that place is better because you were there. you left your mark on your staff, those college kids you mentored are better because of you. you left your mark on the students that interacted with you, they are better because of you. and you left your mark on the leaders, we are all better because of you. your willingness to serve- your "yes" to God's call has made a difference.

so to conclude this very long letter i just want to say thank you. i want to thank you for helping to usher people into the throne room of the Lord our God. i want to thank you for being a man of integrity and grace and love. i want to thank you and i want you to know that God used you to change the world.

i wish i could be there this weekend and say all this to you in person. but the interwebs will have to do.
i'm praying for you and your family as you seek God's will for the future.
thank you, thank you, thank you (did i cover that enough?)
chelsea

people need people...

today i was thinking about all the people God used to make me, me. it is a very long list. i was thinking about how there were so many people willing to pour out their lives into mine. it took a very large village to raise me. family and friends and youth leaders who were patient and loving and there when i needed them. uncle jody taught me how to tell a joke, oliver taught me what it means to stick around, lori hall gave me a passion for cooking, dani helped me see the world. i can go on and on. i needed them.

my hope is that in some small way i took those lessons and poured them into someone else. because i realize we were created for exactly two things. God took dust and breathed His breath of life upon it so that we could be loved and so that we could love.

are you loving someone? are you walking next to them no matter where the path is leading? i hope so. are you letting someone love you? are you willing to open up and let go long enough to be loved? i hope so. that's all there is.

Leaning Into It...

seattle is good for me. there is something in the air that whispers in my ear and settles in my heart. i'm happy. no, 'happy' isn't the right word. i'm content. i'm fulfilled at school and i'm getting involved in a great church. i get to see old friends that i missed so very deeply and i'm making new friends. things are probably as good as they could possibly be. 

but even though things are great i still spend a lot of time thinking about the "could be's". i find myself daydreaming about all the little things my heart desires. i spend a lot of time daydreaming about the big things too. i dream about wedding bells and babies. i dream about being debt free (no lie this is a big one! i had a dream the other night that i went to pay on my student loan and there was no more balance. best. dream. ever.). i dream about silly things like long hair without the wait and a bigger kitchen. i also dream about the big things, like the smell of an african rainstorm and the feeling of a tiny little hand in mine. i allow myself the room to live in the "could be" space.

i think that my daydreams are there for a reason. i think they give me hope when i've just about run out. i think they help me find out what my soul longs for. my daydreams have led me all over the world. so i like to lean into them. 

we're becoming a world that doesn't dream anymore. there's too many reasons not to. there's school shootings and fiscal cliffs. when we live in the clutter of the practical there's no room for the impractical. that makes me so sad. are we done telling kids to "dream big"? i hope not. are we done with "could be's", "maybe's", and "hope for's"? 

my dreams have taken me around the world. they've given me the courage to believe that the God of the universe wants to use me. my dreams have comforted me when the world around me has been cold and unforgiving. i know that not all my dreams will come true and i know that i can't spend all my time in the soft embrace of "could be". but i won't give them up. i won't lay them down. i'm going to lean into them and trust that the closer to God i get, the more my daydreams start to look like His. 

when you least expect it...

isn't it crazy to think of how God speaks to us just when we least expect it. i can't imagine that moses could see the burning bush coming, and yet, there it was- BOOM! well tonight God hit me with a bit of that fire.

tonight i visited a church plant that my friends matt and jenny are working with. the first thing i noticed was how small it all was- small room, small group of people, small (but beautiful) cross. everything felt small and then worship began. from the very first chord i felt the room grow. my God doesn't fit inside small and He transformed a small space into a cathedral. i felt His presence so powerfully there. when the service was over i couldn't help but think that matt and jenny are laboring towards something so powerful. their little church is changing the world and there's nothing small about that.

i went home after church, but God wasn't done talking to me. i got a phone call tonight from four of my favorite people: mr. ben burton, ms. anna nicles, ms. bethany brown, and ms. avalon ragone. for those of you who don't know these fantastic four are students of mine and they are the best. they are passionate and smart. they light up rooms with their smiles and humor. these students are constantly teaching me what it means to really believe that God moves mountains. they may only be high school students, but they are also warriors for God. anyway, gushing about them has gotten me off track. they called because they want to go to D.C. to participate in the demonstration that Invisible Children is organizing.

whatever your thoughts on IC, i want you to pause a minute, because where they want to go isn't actually what i want to write about. i want to write about their hearts. these four high school students live across the world from the child soldiers in africa. they've never been to uganda. they don't have to care. but they do. they care, not because of a fad or because a celebrity told them to. my students care because God gave them hearts that beat in time with His. they care because they don't want to live in a world where anyone can abuse children. so i got an excited phone call. they're brainstorming ideas of how to raise money to get to D.C. and it was during that phone call that i remembered my God doesn't do small.

i believe with every fiber of who i am that these students of mine will change the world. one day you are going to read in history books about ben and anna and bethany and avalon. their passion is going to draw the sleepers and the dreamers to the throne room of the King. i for one, can't wait for that day. i also feel so honored to get to play a tiny role in their story.

if you would like to play a role in their story too you can contact ben, anna, bethany, or avalon on their facebook pages. they are raising money and every little bit helps! let's get these kids to D.C. let them chase their passion and see where it takes them!