when i was baby-sitting in high school my absolute favorite game to play with the kiddos was hide and seek. whoever invented hide and seek knew that no human being could keep a five year old entertained for five consecutive hours. at some point they'd need to sit in a bathtub, breathe, and hope said five year old took a few extra minutes to find them. i haven't played hide and seek in years, but recently i've picked it up again.
there's a gate that guards the entrance to my heart. it's tall and menacing. i've got really ugly trolls guarding said gate and a moat, just in case! no one gets further than i want them to. i've had the gate my whole life. i'm not sure what exactly prompted me to build it, but build i did and let me tell you, upkeep on a moat is not pretty.
but these past nine months that i've been living in seattle something really surprising has been happening: i've been taking down the gate. it's just a little at a time, a brick here, giving the trolls a vacation, things like that. last night i was talking with my class meeting (basically a small group my seminary places all students in) and i realized that the more i take apart my gate the more exposed i've been feeling. that nakedness has led me to hiding.
i've been hiding from my Abba. isn't that crazy? i've been avoiding church, been avoiding prayer, been avoiding the people in my life who help draw me closer to God. i'm not sure what i'm scared of. here i am, seminary student, cowering in a bathtub, hoping the God of the Universe takes a few extra minutes to find me (by the way, don't spend too much time dissecting that metaphor, it is not at all theologically sound).
here's the good news, actually here's the great news: that's ok!! we all hide from God. we all get scared and feel vulnerable. i think that when we have these seasons of bathtub cowering it's important to remember that they're just seasons. it's ok to give yourself a few extra minutes, but then stand up, get out of your hiding place and remind yourself that there's no where safer than Abba's embrace. i'm not sure i'm ready to come out of my hiding place quite yet, but i'm working on it. for right now, i'm content to know that eventually i'll be found and the gate will be all put away and what happens after that will be pure adventure.
2 comments:
I'm not so sure it's really hiding from God. I think it's more that we are closing our eyes and pretending that God can't see us :-)
Ain't seminary amazing????
Oh Chelsea- I'm sorry you are going through this season. We all go through them, but it's never all that fun and it's never fun to know your friends are going through that. All I can tell you is to keep praying, even when you don't want to. Tell God exactly how you feel. He needs to hear your voice and feel your feelings. He wants to do those things. Chelsea, invite God into the bathtub with you. You can hide in the bathtub from all the crap of this world, but I know God wants to sit in that tub with you (as weird as that sounds). The bathtub is an interesting place, since that is where you get naked and clean yourself up. That is the best place to be with God. Naked and then given the chance to be clean. Let God wrap his arms around you and clean you up. We all want to hide from stuff. Right now I want to hide from my everyday monotony of going to bed too late, waking up at 5:00 for the little guy, going to work all day and missing Jude, then going home to put something together for dinner, and then clean the house and do it all again. I'm in a huge rut/funk, I'm a little depressed. So I guess all that to say I share your need to want to hide. But the reality is, you are hiding from yourself (that's what I've learned), this monotony is making me grow and depend on God more for happiness, joy and "energy" to keep going. He fills me each day and he will fill you each day! Praying for you today girl! Thanks for your boldnessin writing, you are such a fabulous writer. And sorry I spilled my thoughts on you. It just sort of happened.
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