a perfect day...

a few months ago i wrote about how all my friends were getting married. i spent some blog time exploring how weird it was to watch as important people in my life were transitioning into such huge commitments. when i wrote that blog i was convinced that all these weddings would be uncomfortable. i'm not sure if i can explain it, but even if you are estatically happy for the couple getting married, weddings have a way to make single people feel like their life will never get jump-started. anyway, so my friends got engaged and i was entirely convinved that their weddings would bring out all sorts of ugly insecurities i don't like to see in myself. this made me completely sure that i wanted to avoid said weddings at all costs. but let's be honest there are some events you can't miss.

then God did something amazing. on september 26, 2009 tyler john hellinga married amy elizabeth maddox. as i got dressed for that wedding my mind was consumed with memories. i thought about the first time tyler asked amy out. i laughed as i remembered how amy and i pretended that tyler had given her a black eye at winter camp. i smiled as i contemplated how our Lord could lead two people down this path from friendship to love to hatred, then wind it all back to friendship and ultimately love again.

when i got to the wedding and gave tyler a hug i swear i have never seen him look so nervous. and tyler and i have been friends for 15 years. as the wedding started my eyes filled with tears because i was so incredibly peaceful. there was no place on earth that i would rather have been than in that chair on that particular beach. and as i watched my best friend's eyes fill with tears as he watched his bride walk towards him, i knew beyond any doubt that this was a marriage that would enrich the lives of the people it touched. amy and tyler love each other so completely. they trust each other. they're better people because of each other. but above all that they love God. they trust God. they let God mold them so that He might make them better.

it's no secret that i struggle with loneliness. in fact that's often a common theme of my blogs. but on this day- this day when i expected to feel sad and alone and hopeless; i felt only joy. i felt satisfied knowing that my beloved friends were together. and nothing could stop that. it was a wedding that made me reach out and hold the hand of my Savior. it was a couple that reminded me that real love is complicated and confusing and always steady. it was a perfect day.

New Job, Same Girl...

Hello Blog World,
So a lot has been going on with me these past few months and my friend T reminded me that I haven't been very faithful to update my blog with the new info. So now, here goes...

This past year I have been attending the very large CSULB for my teaching credential. After college I thought I should go into teaching. Not necessarily because I really felt called to teaching or because I had this passion for it. But mostly because I thought it seemed steady, it seemed responsible. Anyway, I worked toward my credential half-heartedly until May (hey that rhymes). In May through a series of events it became really clear to me that my calling is full time ministry. There's nothing else I want. I know in my heart that this is more than just what God wants for me, but its what I want for myself.

So after this revelation I began the process of looking for a job. I literally applied all over the world. I applied for jobs all over the states and abroad as well. I was sure that this was my chance for a new adventure in a new town. I love starting over in new places. I love the exploration and the unknown. But in addition to applying all over, I thought I'd also throw my resume out close to home.

And as usually happens when God is involved, my plans got turned upside-down. After many interviews, tears, and anxiety I am pleased to announce that I am the brand new Student Ministries Director at Resurrection Lutheran Church in Redondo Beach. I may not be in a new town, but learning a new denomination and new people is adventure enough (at least for now). I love my new church home and although I desperately miss the people and love at St. Andy's at least I'm close enough to visit.

So, here goes- sink or swim...

pebbles...

you wanna hear something funny? well not "haha" funny- more "hmmmm, ok" funny. there have been three major moments in my life. three times where i faced a fairly big decision. each time (i'm saying, each and EVERY time) i have found myself facing that decision on a mountaintop in South Africa. i'm not sure what to make of this. but this summer was no different. i'm completely changing careers, changing almost everything in my life and i'm not exactly sure what's next. so i found myself: freezing cold and staring at a pile of rocks on top of a beautiful mountain.

i was staring at this makeshift alter and i was wondering if i have what it takes to completely offer myself up to God. it's certainly one thing to say we want our life to be what God wants it to be. but what are willing to give up for that? what if God never wants to see me married? what if he never sees me with children? what if God's best puts me in a faraway land rarely visiting my family? see it's one thing for us to claim that we want God making our big decisions, it's another to actually LET him.

i came to a realization on that mountain. it has never been "my" life. i've always belonged to God. i will always be his girl and i am willing to lay down every one of my heart's desires to live a life he can be proud of. i am willing to give him my everything.

Abba, I belong to you!

more pictures...

home from africa...

thoughts to follow...

did i forget to sign-up?

ok, this post is for for all single friends. although i'm not completely sure i have any left. did i miss the sign-up day for engagements? i must have. within the last month 3 of my friends have gotten engaged. in addition to that 4 of my friends have been married, and finally a whopping 2 of my friends have recently moved in with their significant others (this is not an encouragement to do that, it's just a statement of fact). that's a total of 9 of my friends (18 if we count their significant others) that are moving into this new "blissful" time of coupledom. i have to admit as happy as i am for them, as content as i am in my present stage of life i'm feeling a bit pissy. is there like a deadline: make sure you snag up a fiance/spouse/lover by may 1st or there are no promises you'll ever get one.

in addition the absolute twilight zone quaility of this month i have been thinking that statistically speaking 4.5 of those 9 couples won't make it. divorce is such a huge aspect of our society. it makes me pray harder for my friends. i hope it doesn't affect them. but there's no guarentee.

so let's recap: i'm the last single lady left. i'm going to go broke buying engagement/wedding/housewarming gifts and half of my friends are getting divorced. wow! this has been a pretty depressing post. sorry.

wanting doesn't make it so...

i spend every tuesday morning deep in thought for about 45 minutes. i get up and get ready for school and then i get in my car and make the drive to Long Beach. between the drive, finding parking, and walking to the library it all works out to about 45 minutes. during this time i have a wide variety of thoughts running through my mind. some days i think about all the mistakes i made the day before. i spend a lot of time wondering why the world is the way it is. one tuesday i spent the entire 45 minutes composing a really difficult email to a friend who i was fighting with. now don't get me wrong, i don't spend every tuesday wadding through murkiness (spelling?). i have spent many a tuesday laughing to myself about various beautiful and wonderful things.

this time is good for me. it allows me to sort through all the complications that make up who i am. i definately need time for that. but this time to myself also presents a problem. one of my biggest weaknesses is that i live so much of my life up in my head. so i decided today that i would share what i was thinking about. my hope is that by putting thought to type i will be really able to bring shape to this idea.

when i got into my car this morning i plugged in my ipod, just like usual. mostly i listen to worship music on the way to school because i am terrified of the freeway and i believe that God is more likely to keep me safe if i am listening to worship music (i know, i know there are major flaws in that theology). but today i was in the mood for something sappy. so i put on this play-list i have of really cheesy love songs. as i drove down the 405 jammin' to the Beatles and Whitney Houston (you know you wish you had a copy of this playlist) i started dreaming up this perfect love story. girl meets boy, boy turns out to be more wonderful than anyone could have every imagined, boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after. i started dreaming up my perfect little movie world. in chelsea's love story only one thing matters: chelsea and said boy love each other so completely that their lives are this constant reflection of that love. that's when it hit me.

i spend so much of my time wanting this worldly love. i dream of boy. i wish for a happily ever after. but you know what i realized today? i already have it. God's my perfect love story. His sacrifice reflects more passion, more steadiness, more "forever" than any other love ever can. it was this brillant awakening. and now i share it with you.