this week God spoke to me in the most unlikely of places- which is so like Him. i'm always surprised by how surprised i am when i hear God's heart in a place seemingly devoid of Him. because let's be honest, God is everywhere, and no where is too far to His voice.
anyway, this week i watched a new nbc pilot called "bent". it's a typical sitcom and seemingly extremely dumb. but i love amanda peet (one of the stars) and thought i'd give the first episode a try. besides lately, all i've wanted to do is hide away from the world behind that glowing tv of mine. life has been a bit too harsh, reality slightly too jarring and i've been looking to escape. of course i should have known that there's no escaping my Abba, and even if there was, why would i want to???
there was a moment in the show when one of the characters was explaining a recent string of bad luck and he said, "i may be bent, but i'm not broken."
bent- not broken.
i have to say that i'm a little shocked at how much those words spoke to me. it's the perfect description of exactly how i feel. and i know that no matter what happens around me, no matter how much sorrow and pain and confusion and fear that comes my way, my God is bigger. my God is greater. my God is higher than any other.
bent. not broken.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
paper hearts and chocolate...
usually i am one of those annoying girls who pretends to hate valentines day but secretly loves it and is just in a horrible mood because she doesn't have a valentine. but today i woke up with a great relization. today is a day we celebrate love and there are lots of people that i love and that love me back. HENCE (yes, i did just scream "hence" at you) the following is a list (not at all comprehensible) of my valentines. please to enjoy.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
the thought i'm having today...
"who hasn't at some point been seduced by a map? maps are like mirrors in the room of your mind, expanding to the very edges of the globe."
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
my boys...
this past weekend i did what every good youth leader does: i took 18 kiddos up to forest home for some winter camp wonder. forest home is a place that holds special memories for me. my grandparents helped to build the very first tee-pee at indian village (a name that back then was great but today is a teensy bit racist). as a camper i attended forest home every summer and winter. once i was old enough i began to go as a counselor. when i go to forest home i really do feel like i am returning to the place where my faith first stretched it's legs. it's like i'm lucy and i'm going back to narnia (if you don't get that reference you are either one of my students or we aren't real friends).
usually i am so excited for camp. i pack days before and i can't sleep because i'm so amped to revisit those tall trees and milkshakes. but this year i've had so much on my plate, i was so tired, and just convinced that there wasn't anything left for God to teach me in the mountains. but yet again, God proved me wrong.
i have so many stories i want to share from this weekend. i'm sure there will be plenty of blogs about the adventures. but this time i want to tell you about one moment- one small, subtle, life affirming moment with my boys.
i've always been very comfortable in a roomful of boys. the noise, dirt, chaos, and smells don't bother me (usually). as a leader in youth ministry i have a special affection for those lopsided grins and inability to filter. throughout the years i have been collecting boys, the ones who i get to mother and laugh with and tell not to jump off bridges just because they think it will be "awesome" become mine. i get the immense privilege of loving them. but collecting boys is more painful than collecting baseball cards. as they grow up, often they decide that the God who is everything to me, isn't everything to them. they become logical and cynical and the joy of faith slowly slips away from them. there is nothing more devastating than seeing the boys who i've poured all i have into decide a relationship with God isn't everything to them. it makes me want to give up completely.
but this weekend God gave me a present. he helped to remind me why i continue to love and work and pray. one of my very special boys went with me as a counselor this year. patrick is one of my best boys. he is smart and sweet and funny. he has plenty of reasons not to open up his heart, but he doesn't let the circumstances of the world harden him. this weekend i had the joy of seeing him with my new boys. i watched as he poured himself into them. i watched as he laughed with them and told them stories and teased them. and that would have been enough. it would have been enough to remind me that this job i do is exactly what i was created for. but as usual, God had something so much bigger planned.
the last morning at forest home the band lets the kids pour into the aisles and onto the stage. they play worship songs like it's the last music anyone will ever hear. our church happened to be sitting in the front so i had a great view of the organized chaos. i was singing when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. patrick had brought up his cabin of boys to the front. they were standing in a little half circle with patrick behind them. all of them had their hands in the air and their heads thrown back, singing at the top of their lungs. and there was patrick, behind them with his arms around their shoulders. i watched as my old boy worshipped jesus with my new boys and my eyes filled with tears.
that small moment is why i put up with longs nights and church politics. that moment is why i let small minded and critical comments roll off my back. it's why i know no matter how much i mess up God is always turning my mistakes into His glory. watching a boy i discipled and loved and prayed for, love and disciple and pray for new boys is everything. it's everything.
usually i am so excited for camp. i pack days before and i can't sleep because i'm so amped to revisit those tall trees and milkshakes. but this year i've had so much on my plate, i was so tired, and just convinced that there wasn't anything left for God to teach me in the mountains. but yet again, God proved me wrong.
i have so many stories i want to share from this weekend. i'm sure there will be plenty of blogs about the adventures. but this time i want to tell you about one moment- one small, subtle, life affirming moment with my boys.
i've always been very comfortable in a roomful of boys. the noise, dirt, chaos, and smells don't bother me (usually). as a leader in youth ministry i have a special affection for those lopsided grins and inability to filter. throughout the years i have been collecting boys, the ones who i get to mother and laugh with and tell not to jump off bridges just because they think it will be "awesome" become mine. i get the immense privilege of loving them. but collecting boys is more painful than collecting baseball cards. as they grow up, often they decide that the God who is everything to me, isn't everything to them. they become logical and cynical and the joy of faith slowly slips away from them. there is nothing more devastating than seeing the boys who i've poured all i have into decide a relationship with God isn't everything to them. it makes me want to give up completely.
but this weekend God gave me a present. he helped to remind me why i continue to love and work and pray. one of my very special boys went with me as a counselor this year. patrick is one of my best boys. he is smart and sweet and funny. he has plenty of reasons not to open up his heart, but he doesn't let the circumstances of the world harden him. this weekend i had the joy of seeing him with my new boys. i watched as he poured himself into them. i watched as he laughed with them and told them stories and teased them. and that would have been enough. it would have been enough to remind me that this job i do is exactly what i was created for. but as usual, God had something so much bigger planned.
the last morning at forest home the band lets the kids pour into the aisles and onto the stage. they play worship songs like it's the last music anyone will ever hear. our church happened to be sitting in the front so i had a great view of the organized chaos. i was singing when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. patrick had brought up his cabin of boys to the front. they were standing in a little half circle with patrick behind them. all of them had their hands in the air and their heads thrown back, singing at the top of their lungs. and there was patrick, behind them with his arms around their shoulders. i watched as my old boy worshipped jesus with my new boys and my eyes filled with tears.
that small moment is why i put up with longs nights and church politics. that moment is why i let small minded and critical comments roll off my back. it's why i know no matter how much i mess up God is always turning my mistakes into His glory. watching a boy i discipled and loved and prayed for, love and disciple and pray for new boys is everything. it's everything.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
catching up...
it has been much too long since i posted something. i'm not sure why i let so much time pass between blogs... i have had many thoughts since early november. i sat down at the computer so many times to write, but for whatever reason no words came. i have found some things are hard to articulate. even though i don't have an exactly coherent thought to hand you i've decided to blog anyway. so here's a teensy tiny update on what i've been thinking the last couple of months:
work:
i don't think it's possible to express in a sentence the emotions that my job brings me. in a single day i can feel rage, joy, sorrow, frustration, and hope. after the new year we started a jr. high and high school small group and i've been shocked by how amazing it has been. i've been going through an andy stanley book with them and i am so proud by how they've recieved it. we sit on tuesday nights and talk about the state of our hearts. is there anything better than that? i have to say for every aspect of my job that makes me want to rip my hair out, there is a greater ammount of love. the love i have for the students makes my heart feel like it's going to beat out of my chest. i love them, even when they're loud, emotional, annoying and rude. i love them when they're curious, kind, and graceful. mostly i love that they are going to grow into men and women who we write history books about.
bingley:
mr. bingley is the fuzziest little miracle ever to waltz into my life. caring for his little life has injected a freshness into mine. i will never again doubt the power a pet can have. he's still just a pup, which is what i remind myself when he eats one of my shoes, pees in petsmart, or nibbles my finger. best bingley story of the moment: he has a toy giraffe that i put in his crate when i first got him. he now can't sleep without it. i watch as he drags it all over the house. he lays his little head on it when he naps and if it isn't in his crate when he goes to sleep at night he will bark till i toss it in there. so cute.
me:
i've been going through a lot since thanksgiving. i've made some pretty giant decisions (decisions i'm not quite ready to share on the interwebs) and i've made some significant changes. i'm working hard on myself. over the holidays i realized that i have a tendancy to put my needs at the very bottom of the heap. i don't voice my thoughts or feelings for fear of offending someone. even simple things like caring for my body i let slip through my fingers. so i'm working at it. i'm trying to find balance. mostly i'm trying to live my life like Jesus led his. i fail regularly, but i'm feeling stronger because of the effort.
well that's it. like i promised, it's just a teeny tiny update. more to come, of course.
work:
i don't think it's possible to express in a sentence the emotions that my job brings me. in a single day i can feel rage, joy, sorrow, frustration, and hope. after the new year we started a jr. high and high school small group and i've been shocked by how amazing it has been. i've been going through an andy stanley book with them and i am so proud by how they've recieved it. we sit on tuesday nights and talk about the state of our hearts. is there anything better than that? i have to say for every aspect of my job that makes me want to rip my hair out, there is a greater ammount of love. the love i have for the students makes my heart feel like it's going to beat out of my chest. i love them, even when they're loud, emotional, annoying and rude. i love them when they're curious, kind, and graceful. mostly i love that they are going to grow into men and women who we write history books about.
bingley:
mr. bingley is the fuzziest little miracle ever to waltz into my life. caring for his little life has injected a freshness into mine. i will never again doubt the power a pet can have. he's still just a pup, which is what i remind myself when he eats one of my shoes, pees in petsmart, or nibbles my finger. best bingley story of the moment: he has a toy giraffe that i put in his crate when i first got him. he now can't sleep without it. i watch as he drags it all over the house. he lays his little head on it when he naps and if it isn't in his crate when he goes to sleep at night he will bark till i toss it in there. so cute.
me:
i've been going through a lot since thanksgiving. i've made some pretty giant decisions (decisions i'm not quite ready to share on the interwebs) and i've made some significant changes. i'm working hard on myself. over the holidays i realized that i have a tendancy to put my needs at the very bottom of the heap. i don't voice my thoughts or feelings for fear of offending someone. even simple things like caring for my body i let slip through my fingers. so i'm working at it. i'm trying to find balance. mostly i'm trying to live my life like Jesus led his. i fail regularly, but i'm feeling stronger because of the effort.
well that's it. like i promised, it's just a teeny tiny update. more to come, of course.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
my year in review...
well kitty-cats:
it's that time once again; for some reason i just feel that my first blog of a new year, must include some sort of unpacking of the year before it. so please to enjoy, my year in review
the 3 best student moments of 2011:
- when ricky told me he was going to quit soccer because it was getting in the way of church
- when avalon said she wanted to live the life God had for her, not the life she has for her
- when vince, waffs, and ricky helped strangers unload their luggage at camp, wearing superhero costumes.
the 3 best family moments of 2011:
- when i got a sister-in-law
- when emery was born
- moving back in with my momma and dad
the 3 best friend moments of 2011:
- going on the cruise to mexico with rachel and the ladies
- patrick's wedding
- valentines dates with jenna
the 3 best God moments of 2011:
- summer camp with the kiddos
- catalyst
- preschool chapel
the 3 best chelsea moments of 2011:
- finally coming to grips with everything dr. palameno has been telling me for years and accepting the PCOS
- getting Bingley
- trusting myself
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
what would you do...
i am about to admit something majorly embarrassing...
i am addicted to oprah's lifeclass. i watched all the episodes. i loved them. i cried every. single. time. yes it is ridiculous. yes i am ashamed. but i learned something and because i promise to always share the wealth, i've decided to take to my blog and share the info with ya'll.
when i came home from south africa the whole world felt upside down. i'd left home for a year and while i was gone i changed and grew. but when i came home everything seemed as if it had stood still. this was a really unnerving feeling. i wish i could crack open my brain and let you take a peek at the havoc i was in the middle of. i went about my daily life as normally as i could, but inside the teeniest chores seemed like mountains. it was often that i'd get in my car and start driving to the grocery store or church and i'd just weep. i'd have to pull over to the side of the road so i wouldn't crash.
my first christmas home marked a really important anniversary for me. the previous year i was breathing sweet, sweet south african air and staring at a completely different set of stars. so, that first christmas back in the land of southern california was hard. about a week before christmas i asked God for a very special miracle. i asked him to bring me back to africa, even if only for an hour. i knew it was crazy, but that's all i wanted. i just wanted one moment back where my heart first learned to beat.
a couple days after i prayed that prayer i happened to be flipping through channels and i landed on an episode of oprah. i never watched oprah (i was young and hadn't yet realized the awesome power of the o) but for some reason i decided to just watch for a few minutes. that was the beginning of my miracle. when i had been in africa we kept hearing that oprah was there too. we'd visit an orphanage and the workers would tell us stories of how they had met oprah. i hadn't really thought much of it. but a year later i was watching an episode where oprah showed the footage of her time in south africa. for an hour, i got to see the places i had walked and she even interviewed people i had met. she held babies i had held. God gave me my hour and oh how precious that hour was.
ok you're probably wondering what all that has to do with the amazing lesson i learned. a couple days ago oprah re aired some of the footage from that episode. she was talking about how she learned to take chances and see the joy in life. then she posed this question: "what would you do if you weren't afraid?"
i started thinking about the chelsea that went to africa. the girl who got on a plane with 12 people she had only known for three months. the girl who spoke in prisons, hammered nails, sat by bedsides, and believed there was nothing too big for her Jesus. it's been almost 10 years since that trip. in those 10 years i have let fear creep back into my life. i have forgotten that i am a daughter of the most high God. i have let my God get small, but "small" isn't a word you can use to describe Yahweh.
oprah's question is a good one. but if i was posing it, i would word it a little bit differently. WHAT WOULD YOU LET GOD DO IF YOU WEREN'T AFRAID? let Him work through you. let Him give you miracles. trust Him with the most tender parts of your heart. if you do you just might see mountains move and what a sight that would be.
i am addicted to oprah's lifeclass. i watched all the episodes. i loved them. i cried every. single. time. yes it is ridiculous. yes i am ashamed. but i learned something and because i promise to always share the wealth, i've decided to take to my blog and share the info with ya'll.
when i came home from south africa the whole world felt upside down. i'd left home for a year and while i was gone i changed and grew. but when i came home everything seemed as if it had stood still. this was a really unnerving feeling. i wish i could crack open my brain and let you take a peek at the havoc i was in the middle of. i went about my daily life as normally as i could, but inside the teeniest chores seemed like mountains. it was often that i'd get in my car and start driving to the grocery store or church and i'd just weep. i'd have to pull over to the side of the road so i wouldn't crash.
my first christmas home marked a really important anniversary for me. the previous year i was breathing sweet, sweet south african air and staring at a completely different set of stars. so, that first christmas back in the land of southern california was hard. about a week before christmas i asked God for a very special miracle. i asked him to bring me back to africa, even if only for an hour. i knew it was crazy, but that's all i wanted. i just wanted one moment back where my heart first learned to beat.
a couple days after i prayed that prayer i happened to be flipping through channels and i landed on an episode of oprah. i never watched oprah (i was young and hadn't yet realized the awesome power of the o) but for some reason i decided to just watch for a few minutes. that was the beginning of my miracle. when i had been in africa we kept hearing that oprah was there too. we'd visit an orphanage and the workers would tell us stories of how they had met oprah. i hadn't really thought much of it. but a year later i was watching an episode where oprah showed the footage of her time in south africa. for an hour, i got to see the places i had walked and she even interviewed people i had met. she held babies i had held. God gave me my hour and oh how precious that hour was.
ok you're probably wondering what all that has to do with the amazing lesson i learned. a couple days ago oprah re aired some of the footage from that episode. she was talking about how she learned to take chances and see the joy in life. then she posed this question: "what would you do if you weren't afraid?"
i started thinking about the chelsea that went to africa. the girl who got on a plane with 12 people she had only known for three months. the girl who spoke in prisons, hammered nails, sat by bedsides, and believed there was nothing too big for her Jesus. it's been almost 10 years since that trip. in those 10 years i have let fear creep back into my life. i have forgotten that i am a daughter of the most high God. i have let my God get small, but "small" isn't a word you can use to describe Yahweh.
oprah's question is a good one. but if i was posing it, i would word it a little bit differently. WHAT WOULD YOU LET GOD DO IF YOU WEREN'T AFRAID? let Him work through you. let Him give you miracles. trust Him with the most tender parts of your heart. if you do you just might see mountains move and what a sight that would be.
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