divine romance...

This year the song that has changed me the most is Divine Romance by Phil Wickham. I don't really want to take the time now to explain what the lyrics have meant to me or how they have kept me standing when all I want to do is lay down. I just want to write them here and hope that they will have a chance to speak to you.

The Fullness of your Grace is here with me.

The Richness of your Beauty's all I see.

The Brightness of your Glory has arrived.

In your Presence God, I'm completely satisfied.

For you I sing, I dance

Rejoice in this Divine Romance

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love, to show my love

A Deep, Deep Flood; an ocean flows from you.

Of Deep, Deep Love, yeah its filling up the room.

Your Innocent Blood has washed my guilty life.

In your Presence God, I'm completely satisfied.

christmas...

i love christmas. it's my absolute favorite time of the year for all the reasons you can imagine. i love when the weather turns cold and i can pull out my ugg boots. i love that all the stores play holiday music and hang up completely exagerated decorations. there's something about this time of year that makes me feel more hopeful- makes me believe in magic.

this morning i've been sitting at my desk preparing a message on advent. ironically this morning when i got into work a friend of mine had posted a blog on that very subject. it got me thinking.... there's so much in this world that we wait for. we wait for education and true love and financial stability and babies and birthdays and we even wait in line just about everywhere we go. lots and lots of waiting. i'm not usually a fan of waiting but this time of year i can't wait to wait.

go read luke 17:11-19. go on. go right now.

jesus heals ten lepers. changes their lives completely. and then as he sends them towards new life he stays on the road and waits. maybe he knew one would come back. maybe he used his super-awesome divinity powers and knew that his waiting would be rewarded. or perhaps he tapped into his limited humanity and just hoped the waiting would be worth it. as we step into advent there's so many different ways that we're waiting. and i know as you watch the world around you flaunt it's brokenness its so easy to reject that sense of anticipation. but do me a favor: just for the next few weeks let the cynic in you take a back seat and embrace the waiting. trust the magic of christmas. remember that a baby was born and he changed everything and let's not keep him waiting on the road for us.

Why I Love Sally...

Sally "Day 100" is coming up and so in preperation here are 100 reasons why I love you.

1. Because you are always genuine.
2. coloring skills
3. your curiosity
4. your eyelashes
5. how much you love sam from west wing
6. cake skills
7. that you keep the wrapping paper
8. willingness to fight
9. devotion to justice
10. how you roll your eyes at me when you're frustrated
11. how much you want colleen to succeed.
12. how much you want to be vulnerable
13. sense of compassion
14. your rock word
15. you want a dog
16. you really listen
17. an amazing memory
18. you've made such progress with the lady
19. you don't give up easily
20. you want to know that aaron is ok
21. you pray for the people you love
22. your patience
23. your desire to do big things with your life
24. your work ethic
25. your attention to detail
26. your desire to be bones
27. your tie-dye shirts
28. our contract
29. your intensely accurate perceptions of people
30. the way you and sydney laugh
31. your silliness
32. your willingness to trust me
33. your mom walks with kerry
34. that you text me everyday
35. your strength
36. how graceful you are
37. the way you let your friends in even when its hard
38. your willingness to share on acts
39. your sense of humor
40. your crazy stories
41. the pictures you draw in church
42. your ability to forgive
43. your wacky belief that toby's a real person and your desire to give him a hug
44. how hard you work at school
45. your crazy adventures with jen
46. how much you eat cereal
47. how specific you are
48. your chelsea archeology
49. your ocd-ness
50. the way you say, "ok chelsea" with a big sigh
51. that you watch one tree hill with your mom
52. that you have a special drawer
53. the way you can make any regular old occasion special
54. that you're willing to try new food (i.e. thai and green temple) even though ultimately you end up hating them
55. that you want good things for your friends
56. that you made daniel-opoly
57. that you commit 100% to whatever you're doing
58. that you have high expectations of those around you
59. you're sweet, fragile spirit
60. that you went to great lengths to hide your facebook
61. that you hate birds
62. your tenacity
63. that you call yourself pigey
64. that you want a bright and glorious future
65. your smile
66. your hugs
67. the weird look that comes over you when you're deep in observing someone
68. that you appreciate others
69. that you remember to tell people that they're wonderful
70. your generosity
71. that you don't let failure stop you from trying again
72. your fascination with rolly-pollys
73. that you take people at face value
74. your desire to have better and more honest relationships
75. that you're vulnerable enough to draw the tree picture and then trusting enough to give it to me
76. that you let God use music and media to speak to you
77. that crazy worried look you get
78. that you keep a gps with sophie
79. that your heart is so big and full of love
80. that you took the time to plan my party
81. even though this is a rare one: when you wear dresses
82. our game
83. how much you love jen
84. how protective you are of the people you love
85. your logic
86. your weird love of dik-diks
87. that you appreciate all the hard work matt does
88. that you notice the little things
89. that you never get sick of my stupid stories
90. the weird way you fold laundry
91. that you love charades with julia and katelin
92. what a great dish washer you are
93. that your constantly trying to better yourself
94. your shoes
95. that you're so crafty
96. how commited you are to your journals
97. that even though you're crazy with cleaning, your room is a mess
98. your imagination
99. your desire to help others
100. sally, the 100th reason i love you is that i know you will make it to day 100. i know that you are doing great and i am so proud of you.

meeting tommy...

i have been meaning to write this post but life, as it inevitably does, has been getting in the way. but today my load at work is light and my heart is full with thoughts... just to warn you it's going to be a long one.

1997- when i started 7th grade i remember only one thing. amy cox told me that if any of the girls in the youth group were mean to me she'd beat them up. i laughed and asked if that included emily (her sister who was in 6th grade) and she said especially emily.

1999- dave and kathy burchiel's house, first bible study of my high school career.

i walked in the door to a house i had visited millions of times with dragons in my stomach. yes many people say butterflies, but i had dragons. when i was 15 years old i was incredibly insecure (hahaha who am i kidding, that little weakness still crops up) and i was so nervous that i was going to be hanging out with the high schoolers. at the time the only other incoming freshman was tyler hellinga and he had a built-in support system with his brother and brian nenno. i remember that for the first ten minutes i just sat quietly on the couch and tried to figure out what my next move was going to be. i refused to be the "sits quietly on the couch" girl. i was completely convinced that i would spend all of high school wishing i could turn invisible. then in walked my unlikely her0: jeff klug. jeff came in and sat down by me. he asked me a couple questions and we moved into comfortable conversation. he didn't have to. he had plenty of friends in the room, but he took the time to make sure that i felt safe. that i felt like i had a place. now that i work with high schoolers i see what an incredible act of selfless love this was. i am hard-pressed to find seniors who are as compassionate and Christlike.

my friend and long time hero ended up married to just about the most wonderful woman in the world: AMY COX. hahaha, now if you know me at all you know that i believe the jonas brothers aren't nearly the rock stars that the cox family is. so i was so happy to find out that two of my favorite people had decided to build a life together. and as i watched their wedding i couldn't think of anything that could disrupt the beautiful life they were guarenteed.

but something happened that changed their world forever. jeff and amy lost a beautiful and cherished daughter. in june of 2008 jeff and amy delivered and lost leah. and i'm not going to be arrogant enough to assume i know how that must have felt, how that still must feel. but i will say that i have never in my life been as angry at God as i was on that day. i couldn't think of a better couple to love a child. i couldn't think of another baby as desired as leah. and i couldn't for the life of me understand why or how or what had happened. the loss of leah was for me a last straw in a long string of mistakes God had made. i had been struggling with my trust for the Lord and what happened to jeff and amy pushed me over the edge. i decided i was done. i decided that of course God existed but he clearly couldn't love us very much and i felt my heart harden towards him.

the loss of leah marked a change in my friends. i saw amy and jeff a few months later at family camp and they both looked exhausted. it seemed they were carrying this heavy load. all i wanted was to say or do something to lighten it for them. but of course what could be said? what could be done? as amy and i sat down for one of our yearly catch-up chats we both just cried and spoke of loss. but throughout our conversation i was struck by something: amy had never looked more beautiful. i tried to figure out what it was, because pine valley is not known for cultivating beauty. the more we talked the more i realized what it was: amy was clinging desperately to God. her heart was in pieces all around her and she was just trying to put one foot in front of the other, but throughout that process she was holding onto our Savior. it was that brief glimpse i got into amy's heart that began to melt some of the anger i had built into my heart towards God.

so all of those words lead to the amazing miracle that was october 18th. this summer amy and jeff adopted a little boy: tommy. on october 18th amy came to california with her beauitful boy and we got to meet the little man. and i could say here that tommy is sweet and handsome and charming (because of course its all true) but i want to say something else. tommy is magic. life is full of so much pain that i think i was letting that pain be all there was in my life. but when i saw amy, face shinning and eyes all sparkly with her boy. hers. completely and totally awash in a blessing from God i realized that my Abba loves. he loves us enough to wait while i finish spewing my venom. he loves amy and jeff to just hold them as their lives shattered. and he loves tommy enough to watch over him until jeff and amy could go pick up their child. tommy is this walking miracle. and the only way i can express that is to say: tommy is magic.

meeting tommy reminded me that God is good. gosh my soul needed reminding of that. you see the amy i saw a few weeks ago still carried the scars of loss but then i thought of someone else who carries scars. jesus carries scars because of his total love for me. amy carries scars because of her complete devotion to leah. and in both cases there is rebirth. for jeff and amy that rebirth is tommy for jesus and me that rebirth is salvation. so there is joy in pain and it seems i had forgotten that.

i think i will end with this: jeff, amy, and tommy- i love you so much. you each have taught me something important about myself and you each have shown me something priceless about God. thank you for your vunerability. thank you for your honesty. and thank you for letting me be in your lives.

Quick Life Update...

As of last weekend I am offically living in my own place! Whoo-hoo! I am so excited! I have a little one-bedroom place close to work and I feel so free. I'll post pictures soon.

a perfect day...

a few months ago i wrote about how all my friends were getting married. i spent some blog time exploring how weird it was to watch as important people in my life were transitioning into such huge commitments. when i wrote that blog i was convinced that all these weddings would be uncomfortable. i'm not sure if i can explain it, but even if you are estatically happy for the couple getting married, weddings have a way to make single people feel like their life will never get jump-started. anyway, so my friends got engaged and i was entirely convinved that their weddings would bring out all sorts of ugly insecurities i don't like to see in myself. this made me completely sure that i wanted to avoid said weddings at all costs. but let's be honest there are some events you can't miss.

then God did something amazing. on september 26, 2009 tyler john hellinga married amy elizabeth maddox. as i got dressed for that wedding my mind was consumed with memories. i thought about the first time tyler asked amy out. i laughed as i remembered how amy and i pretended that tyler had given her a black eye at winter camp. i smiled as i contemplated how our Lord could lead two people down this path from friendship to love to hatred, then wind it all back to friendship and ultimately love again.

when i got to the wedding and gave tyler a hug i swear i have never seen him look so nervous. and tyler and i have been friends for 15 years. as the wedding started my eyes filled with tears because i was so incredibly peaceful. there was no place on earth that i would rather have been than in that chair on that particular beach. and as i watched my best friend's eyes fill with tears as he watched his bride walk towards him, i knew beyond any doubt that this was a marriage that would enrich the lives of the people it touched. amy and tyler love each other so completely. they trust each other. they're better people because of each other. but above all that they love God. they trust God. they let God mold them so that He might make them better.

it's no secret that i struggle with loneliness. in fact that's often a common theme of my blogs. but on this day- this day when i expected to feel sad and alone and hopeless; i felt only joy. i felt satisfied knowing that my beloved friends were together. and nothing could stop that. it was a wedding that made me reach out and hold the hand of my Savior. it was a couple that reminded me that real love is complicated and confusing and always steady. it was a perfect day.

New Job, Same Girl...

Hello Blog World,
So a lot has been going on with me these past few months and my friend T reminded me that I haven't been very faithful to update my blog with the new info. So now, here goes...

This past year I have been attending the very large CSULB for my teaching credential. After college I thought I should go into teaching. Not necessarily because I really felt called to teaching or because I had this passion for it. But mostly because I thought it seemed steady, it seemed responsible. Anyway, I worked toward my credential half-heartedly until May (hey that rhymes). In May through a series of events it became really clear to me that my calling is full time ministry. There's nothing else I want. I know in my heart that this is more than just what God wants for me, but its what I want for myself.

So after this revelation I began the process of looking for a job. I literally applied all over the world. I applied for jobs all over the states and abroad as well. I was sure that this was my chance for a new adventure in a new town. I love starting over in new places. I love the exploration and the unknown. But in addition to applying all over, I thought I'd also throw my resume out close to home.

And as usually happens when God is involved, my plans got turned upside-down. After many interviews, tears, and anxiety I am pleased to announce that I am the brand new Student Ministries Director at Resurrection Lutheran Church in Redondo Beach. I may not be in a new town, but learning a new denomination and new people is adventure enough (at least for now). I love my new church home and although I desperately miss the people and love at St. Andy's at least I'm close enough to visit.

So, here goes- sink or swim...