meeting tommy...

i have been meaning to write this post but life, as it inevitably does, has been getting in the way. but today my load at work is light and my heart is full with thoughts... just to warn you it's going to be a long one.

1997- when i started 7th grade i remember only one thing. amy cox told me that if any of the girls in the youth group were mean to me she'd beat them up. i laughed and asked if that included emily (her sister who was in 6th grade) and she said especially emily.

1999- dave and kathy burchiel's house, first bible study of my high school career.

i walked in the door to a house i had visited millions of times with dragons in my stomach. yes many people say butterflies, but i had dragons. when i was 15 years old i was incredibly insecure (hahaha who am i kidding, that little weakness still crops up) and i was so nervous that i was going to be hanging out with the high schoolers. at the time the only other incoming freshman was tyler hellinga and he had a built-in support system with his brother and brian nenno. i remember that for the first ten minutes i just sat quietly on the couch and tried to figure out what my next move was going to be. i refused to be the "sits quietly on the couch" girl. i was completely convinced that i would spend all of high school wishing i could turn invisible. then in walked my unlikely her0: jeff klug. jeff came in and sat down by me. he asked me a couple questions and we moved into comfortable conversation. he didn't have to. he had plenty of friends in the room, but he took the time to make sure that i felt safe. that i felt like i had a place. now that i work with high schoolers i see what an incredible act of selfless love this was. i am hard-pressed to find seniors who are as compassionate and Christlike.

my friend and long time hero ended up married to just about the most wonderful woman in the world: AMY COX. hahaha, now if you know me at all you know that i believe the jonas brothers aren't nearly the rock stars that the cox family is. so i was so happy to find out that two of my favorite people had decided to build a life together. and as i watched their wedding i couldn't think of anything that could disrupt the beautiful life they were guarenteed.

but something happened that changed their world forever. jeff and amy lost a beautiful and cherished daughter. in june of 2008 jeff and amy delivered and lost leah. and i'm not going to be arrogant enough to assume i know how that must have felt, how that still must feel. but i will say that i have never in my life been as angry at God as i was on that day. i couldn't think of a better couple to love a child. i couldn't think of another baby as desired as leah. and i couldn't for the life of me understand why or how or what had happened. the loss of leah was for me a last straw in a long string of mistakes God had made. i had been struggling with my trust for the Lord and what happened to jeff and amy pushed me over the edge. i decided i was done. i decided that of course God existed but he clearly couldn't love us very much and i felt my heart harden towards him.

the loss of leah marked a change in my friends. i saw amy and jeff a few months later at family camp and they both looked exhausted. it seemed they were carrying this heavy load. all i wanted was to say or do something to lighten it for them. but of course what could be said? what could be done? as amy and i sat down for one of our yearly catch-up chats we both just cried and spoke of loss. but throughout our conversation i was struck by something: amy had never looked more beautiful. i tried to figure out what it was, because pine valley is not known for cultivating beauty. the more we talked the more i realized what it was: amy was clinging desperately to God. her heart was in pieces all around her and she was just trying to put one foot in front of the other, but throughout that process she was holding onto our Savior. it was that brief glimpse i got into amy's heart that began to melt some of the anger i had built into my heart towards God.

so all of those words lead to the amazing miracle that was october 18th. this summer amy and jeff adopted a little boy: tommy. on october 18th amy came to california with her beauitful boy and we got to meet the little man. and i could say here that tommy is sweet and handsome and charming (because of course its all true) but i want to say something else. tommy is magic. life is full of so much pain that i think i was letting that pain be all there was in my life. but when i saw amy, face shinning and eyes all sparkly with her boy. hers. completely and totally awash in a blessing from God i realized that my Abba loves. he loves us enough to wait while i finish spewing my venom. he loves amy and jeff to just hold them as their lives shattered. and he loves tommy enough to watch over him until jeff and amy could go pick up their child. tommy is this walking miracle. and the only way i can express that is to say: tommy is magic.

meeting tommy reminded me that God is good. gosh my soul needed reminding of that. you see the amy i saw a few weeks ago still carried the scars of loss but then i thought of someone else who carries scars. jesus carries scars because of his total love for me. amy carries scars because of her complete devotion to leah. and in both cases there is rebirth. for jeff and amy that rebirth is tommy for jesus and me that rebirth is salvation. so there is joy in pain and it seems i had forgotten that.

i think i will end with this: jeff, amy, and tommy- i love you so much. you each have taught me something important about myself and you each have shown me something priceless about God. thank you for your vunerability. thank you for your honesty. and thank you for letting me be in your lives.