wanting doesn't make it so...

i spend every tuesday morning deep in thought for about 45 minutes. i get up and get ready for school and then i get in my car and make the drive to Long Beach. between the drive, finding parking, and walking to the library it all works out to about 45 minutes. during this time i have a wide variety of thoughts running through my mind. some days i think about all the mistakes i made the day before. i spend a lot of time wondering why the world is the way it is. one tuesday i spent the entire 45 minutes composing a really difficult email to a friend who i was fighting with. now don't get me wrong, i don't spend every tuesday wadding through murkiness (spelling?). i have spent many a tuesday laughing to myself about various beautiful and wonderful things.

this time is good for me. it allows me to sort through all the complications that make up who i am. i definately need time for that. but this time to myself also presents a problem. one of my biggest weaknesses is that i live so much of my life up in my head. so i decided today that i would share what i was thinking about. my hope is that by putting thought to type i will be really able to bring shape to this idea.

when i got into my car this morning i plugged in my ipod, just like usual. mostly i listen to worship music on the way to school because i am terrified of the freeway and i believe that God is more likely to keep me safe if i am listening to worship music (i know, i know there are major flaws in that theology). but today i was in the mood for something sappy. so i put on this play-list i have of really cheesy love songs. as i drove down the 405 jammin' to the Beatles and Whitney Houston (you know you wish you had a copy of this playlist) i started dreaming up this perfect love story. girl meets boy, boy turns out to be more wonderful than anyone could have every imagined, boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after. i started dreaming up my perfect little movie world. in chelsea's love story only one thing matters: chelsea and said boy love each other so completely that their lives are this constant reflection of that love. that's when it hit me.

i spend so much of my time wanting this worldly love. i dream of boy. i wish for a happily ever after. but you know what i realized today? i already have it. God's my perfect love story. His sacrifice reflects more passion, more steadiness, more "forever" than any other love ever can. it was this brillant awakening. and now i share it with you.

continuing the love...

hi blog world,
so i was reading my friend haley's blog today (mostly a daily ritual for me) and she had posted a fun game. she is buying a book for the first three people to comment on her post. it's a way she's showing those she loves that she loves them. but the rule is each of those three people must in turn do something sweet for their loved ones. so... as a result i am going to write a letter (a real, honest to goodness written on paper, in my actual freaking handwriting, , get it in the mail, full of my love and devotion letter) to the first three people who comment on this post. the only thing i ask in return is that you find some way to pass along the game.
love ya and can't wait to see what happens,
chels

carrying the torch

from as early as i can remember one of my absolute favorite parts of summer has been ACTS tour. i remember i used to wait on pins all year for it. when i was really little most of my excitment came from thinking there was no one cooler than amy cox (now klug). she used to baby sit me and i freely admit i wanted to be her. as i sat in the audience and watched her sing with the choir, i would think about the day i would get to sing too. i couldn't wait to throw on an ulgy jean jumpsuit and get to belt out my best steven curtis chapman. another reason i so loved ACTS was because of dave and kathy. they were more than just youth directors. they were more than simple choir directors. dave and kathy were these people who loved me. not because they were family and had to, not because it was their job, but because they genuinely loved me. that is such a gift. i couldn't wait to join the choir and participate fully in ministry with them.

over the years ACTS has passed through many fingers. it has changed directors and directions. in some ways the program that i work with today looks vastly different from the one i first fell in love with. and although with each change ACTS has grown and become newly beautiful it will never be as powerful as it once was. wait, wait, don't freak out. i'm not saying it's not powerful. i'm saying that it's not as powerful for me! when i was little i sat in a pew and watched as people i idolized sang out to God. ACTS was big. in a lot of ways it represented beautiful possibility for me. now that i am grown and singing in the choir, i find the program seems much smaller to me. i no longer look out at the choir and imagine possibility (now i mostly look out on the choir and sigh as i think about my 'to do' list).

this year ACTS once again has two new directors: sarah sisco and... ME. it's insane to think about. in so many ways i can't wait for tour. i have real vision and am excited to execute that. but a little tiny part of me wishes that i could go back in time and watch as kathy directs. i wish i could go back to dreaming about the day when i would be as old as amy. i want to go back to riding roller coasters with dave. because even though my life is full and wonderful, it has seen a lot of pain. and the dreams dreamed by the little girl in the pew were untouched by that pain. maybe i'll never get to go back, but i do hope that by moving forward i will be continuing on a rich and wonderful tradition of hoping, dreaming, and believing.

just dreamin'

today i woke up and wished i hadn't. i was having the best dream. only the trouble is that i can't remember it now. this got me to thinking: how do i know it was the best dream? because i awoke with some sort of warm-fuzzy feeling? that seems a bit irrational. for all i know i was having a horribly frightening dream and the warm-fuzzy feeling came BECAUSE i woke up. right? that could have happened? besides if this dream was so all-powerfully amazing then shouldn't i remember it? anyway maybe this is a chicken-egg situation, but i felt the need to share my frustrations.

in other news if it was the best dream ever then i bet i was in one of three places: never-never land, london, or south africa. all my best daydreams happen in those locations. oh! and i bet i was with one of these three people: leigh anne, my future-currently non-existant children, or hugh jackman (please! you're wondering why hugh jackman? have you seen the man?!)

Across The universe - Let It Be

this is one of my absolutely favorite beatles songs. a few weeks ago i came across this movie and i was surprised by how amazing it was. across the universe is this beautiful depiction of the music of george, paul, ringo, and john.

the thing about this song is that it is so sad. the idea that the brokenhearted people of this world must 'let it be'. i know most people look at this song as inspiring- leaving the darkness to be reckoned another day. the thing is i believe in a hopeful future. i believe that there will always be brokeness, there will always be pain, there will always be darkness. but the hope, the light is that we don't walk through those things alone. we grab tightly to the hem of God's robe. we let his grace cover our yesterday. we trust his wisdom to lead us to the right tomorrow, and we lean on him in our times of trouble today. we don't walk alone. we aren't alone.

new year, old promise...

this morning when i woke up i felt incredibly content. i opened my eyes slowly and smiled as i thought of all the amazing possibilities and adventures that are ahead in 2009. it was perfect and wonderful. you see my favorite part of every year is new year's day. it's the one day a year that my cynical self takes a nap. one day that i believe i will keep my resolutions, one day i trust my wildest dreams to come true, and the one day that the old promise of hope let's it's scent linger. i love new year's day. so today i will dance and dream and wonder.

world AIDS day