i am desperate to be a mom. i have all this love and light stored up in me and i just want to drench my children in it. even at 7 i was dancing around my bedroom, cradling my dolls and telling them that mommy loves them so much. i'm told that when my brother was born i barely let anyone near the newborn because he was "mine." motherhood is the dream that whispers to me before i fall asleep and it lulls me awake each morning.
for a variety of reasons i'm not sure that dream will ever become reality. at least not in the way i always thought it would and that knowledge built up a big wall around my heart. i felt like i was playing chicken with God. "give me what i want, in the way that i want it or i'm just going to dig my heels in even further!" i'm so glad that my God knows how to love me even when i'm a stubborn idiot.
a few years ago when i was first dealing with the reality of facing a future without pregnant bellies or crib preperation i was crying on the phone with my kathy. kathy eisenhower baby-sat me, came to all my soccer games and speech contests, and she was the first person to ever tell me that i don't need a man to be happy (although to be fair, i was 5 at the time and i'm pretty sure she was reacting to a break-up. but hey, true advice none the less). kathy, who has struggled with her own infertility said that not getting pregnant is like sitting in a waiting room and never hearing your name called. my kathy has been someone who understands and loves me and is always there when i need to talk.
for years kathy prayed and hoped and tried to live her life in a way that honored the Giver not the gift. last week God reminded her that she belongs to a tribe of women he did not forget: sarah, elizabeth, mary, kathy...
kathy and her newly adopted little boy josiah
this picture reminds me that i am a part of that tribe. i am not forgotten. i am not left alone. this picture reminds me that families are made in many ways and that God will not leave me without a community to love. mostly this picture reminds me that when i'm hurting and broken instead of digging my heels in and wanting to stand alone, i should be letting myself melt into my God's arms. it's the only safe place. so tonight, for the first time in a very long time, i feel hope. i trust that someday i'll get to experience the joy kathy is holding in her arms right now. and i hope that when my day comes i can look back and see that i was as faithful as my kathy. i hope i can be as brave and strong and that i can give hope to other women who live in our tribe.
kath- you know this already, but you are family. you may not be flesh of my flesh but you live in my heart. i'm so happy for you and phil. i'm so overjoyed. thank you for being a soft place that i can land when the world is just a little too hard.
2 comments:
love this and love you
Wow Chelsea! Thanks for your honesty! Praying with you about God's plan for your life! You are his, and he is yours whenever you need him. I'm sorry the hand you are dealt right now; however, just like any card game, a new hand can be had at any point before the game is over. You never have the same hand for the whole game...that wouldn't be a very fun game would it! You are loved. Praying with you girl!
Post a Comment