today i am attempting to work on lesson plans for next year. once a week i'll be teaching religion at the school, teaching at youth group, teaching confirmation, and leading a small group. this is an awful lot of chelsea. frankly if i was my students i'd rebel. anyway, in order not to have my head explode i am trying to plan out all those lesson plans. i figure if i'm at least a little organized than maybe it will all come together easier. but i am finding myself with a giant mental block. i just can't seem to wrap my head around what i should be teaching, especially for the small group.
so i tried a few of my standard writer's block solutions. i read for a little while (big mistake, turns out david platt got my head spinning and i'm not sure if i can right it), then i read my bible (uh-oh romans, not the book for righting that head of mine), and then i tried writing in my prayer journal. nothing was doing the trick. so here i am sweet blog, i'm here to upchuck all my thoughts and feelings in a wildly desperate ploy to get my brain jump started.
first i have to say i'm sorry. i'm sorry to God. i'm sorry that i value my possessions and my time and my desires more than i value Him. i'm sorry to my students. i'm sorry that i tell them to give God their whole heart, when i am only willing to give Him part of mine. it's hypocritical and i'm sorry. i'm sorry to my friends and family. i'm sorry that i'm not more willing to be vulnerable and open with you. i'm sorry that each moment of my life doesn't drip with the grace of God. i'm so sorry.
because here's what i remembered today; here's the thing that we have to write in stone on our hearts: this is not the end. this time here is just a vapor. it's just a drop of what's coming. blink and you'll miss it. there's not enough time for us to waste on what we want.
when He called out to drop their nets and follow Him, it was a charge. He was offering them an opportunity to join Him in setting the world on fire. but He was also asking them to drop their nets. drop your livelihood, drop your families, drop your fears and your dreams and everything you ever thought about who you are. drop it. drop it all. and when i was five years old on a mission trip in mexico and i asked God into my heart i was dropping all of it.
i was admitting that i need Him. i was admitting that i'm not enough and that even if i was, He's all i'll really ever need. i was giving Him my forever. so here it is without edit:
God asks for all of me. here are my dreams God: i give you every label i've ever wanted attached to me. i offer you "wife", "mother", "successful", "noticed", "talented", "happy", "comfortable", "safe", and "friend". you can have all of them. i place my simple sacrifice on your alter. instead i pick up the only mantle that has ever mattered: "servant". i am your servant. i am your follower and disciple and that means you get everything. that means even if i live a life here on earth full of loneliness and pain it's worth it. because today is just a piece. my life here is just a teeny tiny piece of forever. and i want all that i am to matter forever.
i want all that i am to radiate who You are. i want every cell in my body to cry out: HOLY HOLY IS THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!
1 comment:
Oh Chelsea! You are fabulous!! Your students are so lucky to spend that much time with you! The words will flow through you as God sees it appropriate. You can try to force the wisdom, but Chels- you already have it. And God will provide opportunities for that wisdom as he sees fit. I too have been trying to organize and plan out my life to make things easier and I'm finding that, the more I try, to more overwhelmed I get and eventually burst into tears with stress. So I'm learning that I can't control and plan every little piece for the next years of my life, because God already has, and if I go and do my own things I will screw it all up. Does that make sense? God lives and breathes in you! I see him in you. You will never disappoint him! Your words are beautiful! The lesson's will come once you stop thinking about it and just live and breathe Him! Be blessed today Chelsea!
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