thoughts on rica...

ok so here's the deal... i cannot even begin to describe how fantastic and demoralizing costa rica was. does that sentence confuse you? good. because i was confused for quite sometime. here's the fantastic part: first of all costa rica is beautiful. the foliage (yes i just used that word!) was so lush and rich. from the moment we stepped out of the airport it was as if i had found God's secret garden. well, i guess it wasn't praticularly secret, but it felt that way. The calm of the hills and the huge tress just healed my soul. I am definately not a nature person. Mostly i get soothed by big cities. i know, i know that is weird. but i get amped by the traffic and the arcitecture. but here in costa rica i found this little slice of peace that i so desperately needed. so here's some photos of the beauty of it.

So anyway after letting the countryside soothe my soul i found myself calmed by my team. not to say that we didn't have our problems it was just so much fun. i laughed more than i ever laughed and all you that know me, know i can laugh. i loved being silly. i loved having people around who wanted to genuinely serve the Lord. i have led a mission's trip when i had to fight my team members to have the right additude. but here in this place i discovered they already had the right additude. it was just amazing. as for the demoralizing portion of the trip... well that i am still sorting out. so i'll let you know when i know.

costa rica... thoughts to come

The BIG T...

so tonight i was reading through my friend Theresa's blog. and i have a few things to say. first of all there is no girl on earth like this girl. she is beautiful, compassionate, funny, and incredibly insightful. but the thing i love most about T and the reason i am devoting an entire blog to her is that she is so willing to be broken. she wears her heart on her sleeve- well when she's wearing sleeves. man do i long to be honest like that. her life is an adventure. right now my friend is in new york. yes, alone. she goes for it- always. ok, now i have to be honest she agonises about the adventure. she will obsess about every little part of the pool, but she always jumps in. always.

in honor of my friend T i have decided to write something that i avoid saying. mostly because to say it, or in this case- to write it, puts in in cement. to see those little black and white letters damning me is scary. but here goes.... i am lonely. i am lonely. i am lonely. ok not so bad, let's share some more. i have this dream where the most perfectly imperfect guy walks into my life and we fall madly in love. not the movie's kind of love- beyond lust, beyond passion. where i knew every curve of his ear and he knows merely by my face that i just need to be held. we fall in love and it lasts way after the final credits. in my dreams we live this full, rich life. we travel and we have great friends. but most of all we have kids. i can't decide on the number it hovers somewhere between 4 and 10. i can smell the tops of those little babies heads. my arms feel heavy and cold without them to hold. and this is my dream. there are a lot of reasons that this dream is hard to put into words. first of all i've never known the curves of a man's ear. that's hard. it brings up all sorts of insecurities. but the other reason that my dream is hard is deep down, underneath the smile i put on for my friends and family i don't believe that my dream will ever become reality. this has made me close myself off. i don't let anyone in too far. i have also become angry, mostly at God. and this summer i had it out with Him. and as i thought about my heart's truest desire i realized it wasn't God- but it was this family, this dream that stays on me like the feeling of walking through fog. and i was determinded that i would want God more. that it was more important for me to love the giver of my life than to love a husband or children. and that seems very noble and right. but is it that i am finally drawing closer to my God and what He wants or is it that i am still running scared? in my mind it's true i want God more, but i am worried that my heart is off somewhere else, making other plans without me. i want to find love. i want to give love. i am lonely. i am lonely. i am lonely.

old friends...

so tonight i decided something: there is nothing like old friends. there are a handful of people that just hold on to a piece of my heart. they walked with me through hard times or they joined me in that reckless abandon kind of joy! even though i am out of touch with some of these people when i see them or talk to them on the phone, no matter how long it's been, i just feel instantly connected.

tonight i realized that kind of intimacy is so rare and should be treasured. so to those friends i must say how much i love you.
the whole DTS gang
carrie
tyler
matty
and of course emily!
i treasure you guys.

Flight Of The Conchords - The Humans Are Dead

hahaha. i will always be in love with jermaine and bret!

Harry Potter...

so here's the thing- i love books! we're talking obsessively and in an all consuming sort of way. i have a test you must take if you'd like to borrow my books and i form weird, emotional, and dysfunctional relationships with my books. i know, i know i need a life. but books have always been my escape. they don't let you down. from the first page they transport you out of whatever's going on in your life and let you live something else. through books i have crossed a river with huck finn and found true love with mr. darcy. as a reader i have solved crimes with sherlock holmes and fought in vietnam with tim o'brien. books are safe. they have taught me and been good friends.

so now the reason for this rant. i recently finished harry potter 7. ok by "recently" i mean i finished it the day i got it. couldn't wait. it was everything i wanted it to be and more. j.k. rowling is such an amazing author. the way she weaved in classic lit with her fresh story was a delight to look for. her dialouge is witty and sharp. she truly is one of the great writers of our time. she inspired me. i want to be more regular with my writing. who knows i may have the next harry potter?

Flight of Delight

Ok this is one of my favorite new shows. Everyone tune into HBO and laugh till your sides hurt!

Hmmm....

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan, You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 79% Emergent/Postmodern 71% Charismatic/Pentecostal 61% Roman Catholic 54% Neo orthodox 50% Fundamentalist 43% Classical Liberal 36% Reformed Evangelical 29% Modern Liberal 21% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

Summer So Far,,,

well, i have been offically home for only a few weeks so far, but it feels like a century. I have already taken my CBEST, gone to south carolina to visit my lala, been on ACTS tour, been working, and done VBC. the summer has barely started but i have been going 90 miles an hour. even though it's been insane i am already seeing how God is preparing me for next year. This summer is going to be full of surprises and i'm sure a few prat falls. so enjoy some pictures of what i've been up to. i promise to keep posting.

the golden year...

well i am offically done with another year of school in about 6 days. that is crazy. the thing is for the first time here at SPU i really don't want the year to end. this was my golden year. i had an amazing group of friends around me and i had fun. we had once a week family dinners, prank wars, weekly lost parties, holiday events, and most importantly we counted on each other.

i love my roomates. i love how smart and funny they are. i know that they are trustworthy, i know that i live with girls that God has blessed. each one is an incredible reminder that we are all special and beautiful. i don't think i could go on next year without them... so thank God i don't have to!

the other reason this was a golden year was becasue of the guy's house. these boys made me laugh until my stomach hurt. oh it was so much fun to have people that reminded me of home. tim, matt, jon, jake, and joel were just the icing on the cake. they are truly people i know i will always be friends with. i love you boys!

so i guess i have to wait and see what next year is going to look like. hopefully it will be as awesome as this one was... but i don't know. big shoes to fill and all that.

12 Gauge Panache - Remember When Me and Oliver

here is a video of my favorite band. this was an extremely rare occurance where they agreed to play for just a small intimate group. i was lucky enough to be invited!

For Rocks?

This weekend I watched a movie titled: Blood Diamond. Maybe you saw it, maybe you picked it up at Blockbuster because you heard that it was the action film of the year or perhaps you're a fan of Leonardo Dicaprio. Those are a few reasons I rented it. But I found that when I watched it I discovered more than a movie. That little piece of cinema changed a lot for me. I watched as children were handed guns and told to use them. I watched as men had their hand cut off and women were raped. Why? For some shiny rocks- for diamonds.

It brought up a lot of questions for me. Why do we continue to hate and kill? What causes us to completely ignore compassion and instead turn out attention to destruction? There is a quote from the movie that has stuck with me. It has been churning around and around in my head all weekend: Sometimes I wonder... will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? Then I look around and I realize... God left this place a long time ago. Is it true? Has God left Africa?

No I think not. I think that God is there. But it is hard to find him. It sure feels as if He has turned his head. I think that the best possible thing I can say about that is I don't know the "why's." I have asked, pleaded, screamed at God and I have no answers. But this I know: I know that He loves these children. I know that He cares about what happens to Africa and I know that I have to do something. I cannot sit at home and pretend that everything is fine. Everything is not fine. But there is hope and I must cling to that. There are children who have been made to do horrible things, they have seen awful things, but they are still children and I can see no other purpose in my life than to love them. I want nothing but to love them. My hope is that I will soon figure out a practical place to put that love.

all hopped up on the easter bunny!

yesterday was easter sunday. when i woke up on sunday morning the very last thing i wanted to do was go to church. i dragged myself into the shower, then with a sigh of frustration i faced my closet. first i couldn't decide what to wear. nothing was right- nothing felt right. after my clothing disaster i faced the challenge of my hair and well that just opened up a completely new can of worms. now for all you men out there who read this and think to yourselves, "wow chelsea these sure do seem like ridiculous problems. these issues ruined your morning?" to you i reply, well you're right (a little bit) these are ridiculous problems and i did have my focus in the wrong place. however i don't think you grasp the completely consuming way that not being able to find an outfit takes over. it becomes more than just the clothes that you wear- it affects how you look at yourself. with one tee-shirt you can be sexy, smart, ugly, or sad. the clothes speak about us. but i digress...

anyway as i walked into church i felt myself wishing that i had stayed home, covers thrown over my head, waiting till monday. but then God, as He usually does, intervened. during worship on sunday i could barely keep my feet on solid ground. this Lord i worship is amazing. i sang at the very top of my voice, i threw my hands into the air, and i remembered His promise. Jesus died so that i might have eternal life. the best part of that is that i don't have to wait till i die to claim that promise. i have life over the ordinary, mundane aspects of life. as we sang about His resurrection i was reminded once again that He gave me everything. i am not trapped by clothes or feelings or sorrow! hallelujah!

it's offically here!

I never thought Spring would show up! I wandered around Seattle freezing and completely sure that I would never see daylight again. Ah... but what can I say? I just had to show a little patience. Lately our campus is budding with flowers, the sun is out, and everything feels like a new beginning. The above picture I took on one of those impossibly beautiful afternoons. Don't you with you were here?

Spring Break, Baby!

well i have offically been home for a week and guess what... today is the first day the sun was out! but it was out and so i took advantage of it. my friend kacey and i packed up her car with my goddaughter (kacey's kid) and her niece, shovels and pails, sunscreen, and plenty of pb&j. i must say that hitting the beach with 2 three year olds is way more fun than going with a bunch of adults. these days i go to the beach and lay out in the sun, reading a trashy magazine or whatever book i happen to be into at that moment. but with the girls today it was way better. we built sandcastles, ran after crabs, and played in the water. we waved to every surfer and spent a good ten minutes watching a boat drift by. it was like experiencing a bit of my childhood again. ah, soooo worth the exhausted feeling that now rests in the pit of my stomach.

but the beach is not the only way i have been keeping busy so far this break. tyler hellinga and i spent st. patrick's day in a movie theater with one old guy. it was creepy and hilarious and if you ask me about it i would love to relate the story. i have had dinner at the hellinga household- which in case you were wondering, is always a good idea.

i love being here, love being in my room and seeing my friends and family. but i gotta say i am beginning to be ready to go home. so... seattle see you in a couple days!

avoidance

i find this blog a magical way to avoid my homework. here i can write everything i am thinking about- drain it out of me and then maybe (just maybe) i will be able to focus on my essay. i'm supposed to be comparing robert frost and william wordsworth right now. ha! instead i am here, on the internet rambling to no one about nothing. i feel in some small way i am fighting "the man."

tonight as i read through these poems that i am supposed to be anazlying i started thinking about love. it's hard not to. that's what most poems are about. not always a romantic love, but always love. love of one's nation or one's self. love is such a tricky beast. on the one hand, caring for another person in a raw and desperate way can be the beginning of everything. i think that humanity has a much bigger capacity to love than they think. but giving someone a place in your heart like that takes such sacrifice. to let someone in is a scary thing. it can be the end of everything.

so how do we step out and love? well, i think that the very first and most important thing to remember is that loving someone is necessary. love your family, love your friends, love the woman sitting next to you on the bus. but that's a different kind of love altogether. that kind of love is easier to spread than you think. it is! it costs nothing and means everything. this picture reminds me that there is so much pain in this world we'll never be able to fix. most of these kids are HIV positive, they've lost parents and siblings to a disease that we have no way to cure. i can't do anything about that. but i can love them. i can swing them up into my arms, kiss their little faces and say, "i'm here." and that... well that is a little piece of heaven.

as for the jumping off the cliffs kind of love? i've never done it. so... i can offer no good advice. i can only cheer you on as you leap. i hope one day to join you in that big jump. so promise to let me know how it goes?

Egypt

Egypt

Egypt was like nothing I had ever experienced. Every single moment from stepping onto the plane to returning home was new and different. I think that I fell in love with the country right away. As we drove to our flats from the airport I felt a surge of electricity move through me. I was in Cairo- a year of planning and prayer, and here I was in Cairo. I didn't know that it would change my life as deeply as it did. I feel Egypt in my very being. As I walked the streets and felt the dust coat my body and as I watched veiled women cook and care for their children, I felt that I was home. I felt that these people needed me and that I needed them. I could learn from the way that they cared so intensely about their families and their culture. Egypt was rich in tradition.

Everyday I experienced God in a new way. Everyday I found myself at His feet crying out, "Lord I need you. I need you more than I have ever needed anything. You are my Savior, my Provider, you are my everything." Egypt let me crawl out of my comfort zone and touch a piece of Heaven.

It wasn't all picnics and sunshine though. There were times when I was certain that we wouldn't make it through. There were times when I looked around at my team and was sure we would kill each other. But God carried us through it. My trip to Egypt allowed me to trust God and helped me find a little bit more of myself. I began something on that trip that hasn't been finished yet. It was everything I wanted it to be and more.

my birthday...

birthdays are dangerous terriotory: a year older, a year wiser, or something. i was so dreading this birthday. to be 23 and feel like i haven't accomplished any of the things that i really want out of this life. i know it is ridiculous, i understand that. i understand that 23 is young and i still have a lot of time to accomplish these things. but there is that nagging voice that continues to haunt me: "chelsea, you're not ever going to get a chance to fall deeply, madly in love. chelsea, forget it- you can't change yourself, let alone the world." this voice is dangerous.

but i have some exciting news- i wasn't allowed to wallow in my self pity. why, you ask? well, because i have just about the best friends a girl can ask for. my friends took me to dinner and it was the best. as i sat there looking at these people who mean so much to me i couldn't help but feel the warm, fuzzies inside. each one of them reminds me that God is faithful to provide just what we need, just when we need it. how awesome is that? so, when you've got the birthday blues call up my friends. they don't disappoint!