just dreamin'

today i woke up and wished i hadn't. i was having the best dream. only the trouble is that i can't remember it now. this got me to thinking: how do i know it was the best dream? because i awoke with some sort of warm-fuzzy feeling? that seems a bit irrational. for all i know i was having a horribly frightening dream and the warm-fuzzy feeling came BECAUSE i woke up. right? that could have happened? besides if this dream was so all-powerfully amazing then shouldn't i remember it? anyway maybe this is a chicken-egg situation, but i felt the need to share my frustrations.

in other news if it was the best dream ever then i bet i was in one of three places: never-never land, london, or south africa. all my best daydreams happen in those locations. oh! and i bet i was with one of these three people: leigh anne, my future-currently non-existant children, or hugh jackman (please! you're wondering why hugh jackman? have you seen the man?!)

Across The universe - Let It Be

this is one of my absolutely favorite beatles songs. a few weeks ago i came across this movie and i was surprised by how amazing it was. across the universe is this beautiful depiction of the music of george, paul, ringo, and john.

the thing about this song is that it is so sad. the idea that the brokenhearted people of this world must 'let it be'. i know most people look at this song as inspiring- leaving the darkness to be reckoned another day. the thing is i believe in a hopeful future. i believe that there will always be brokeness, there will always be pain, there will always be darkness. but the hope, the light is that we don't walk through those things alone. we grab tightly to the hem of God's robe. we let his grace cover our yesterday. we trust his wisdom to lead us to the right tomorrow, and we lean on him in our times of trouble today. we don't walk alone. we aren't alone.

new year, old promise...

this morning when i woke up i felt incredibly content. i opened my eyes slowly and smiled as i thought of all the amazing possibilities and adventures that are ahead in 2009. it was perfect and wonderful. you see my favorite part of every year is new year's day. it's the one day a year that my cynical self takes a nap. one day that i believe i will keep my resolutions, one day i trust my wildest dreams to come true, and the one day that the old promise of hope let's it's scent linger. i love new year's day. so today i will dance and dream and wonder.

world AIDS day

giving it back on thanksgiving...

this year for thanksgiving i was in houston, texas. the "california nazarians" were visiting the "texas nazarians". it was big and loud and wonderful. there was so much to be thankful for: jared's new wife sarah, who is quickly becomming my favorite cousin. the food and family we had. the warm and wonderful house we stayed in. lisa's newly purchased home. and although i found myself full of joy there was still a small twinge of sorrow.

as much as i love the holiday season, there is this small part of me that wishes i could hide in bed the night before thanksgiving and stay there till after new years. there is this ache in my heart. the ache has two parts (i bet you didn't know it was possible for an ache to have parts, well it is!). the first is the ache i have for the poverty around the world. i think about the time i spend buying presents and making cookies and i wish i could fill it more usefully. i wish i could gather each lost and lonely child in my arms and tell them it will all be alright. the second ache is much less noble. the second ache is for that person, that man that will gather me in his arms and whisper that it all will be alright. i wish i had someone to kiss under the mistletoe. no scratch that- mistletoe smells and i would never put it up in my home. but you get the idea. so readers, i anxiously await the beginning of the holiday season, and i also anxiously await the end.

finding the balance...

i had planned on posting this blog on tuesday after the election results came in. but for some reason i just hadn't quite finished sorting out all of my feelings and needed a bit more time to process. i'm sure most of you know that i have been excited for this election since june of last year. i spent a lot of time researching each candidate, even before some of them had offically become candidates. i read hillary clinton's autobiography, both of barack obama's books, john mccain's biography, and even pursued bits of rudy's book (although i must admit i didn't get very far). i watched CNN, BBC, and FOX. i took stock of each party's side. eventually i landed on senator barack obama. i was encouraged by his fresh approach. i loved listening to him speak. i agreed with his plans for education and health care. i felt confident that he could lead our country. for the most part my friends respected the decision i'd made. there was of course the odd pressure here and there, but nothing ridiculous. i do feel bad for my dad though, because apparently there were quite a few members of our congregation that felt the need to explain to my dad why his newly christened "liberal" daughter was throwing her brains away. and although i don't feel that my political beliefs are anyone's buisness, i enjoyed engaging people about this election.

i know many of my friends who have hated this political season. they feel judged. they don't like how things turned out. they're angry. i understand that. i, however, have loved every second of it. it's been exciting and historical. someday my grandkids are going to ask me if i remember when president obama was elected. they'll have to interview me for some school project and i'll laugh as i think of tina fey's spot-on impression of sarah pallin. things have been heated, sure but there has never been a campign that wasn't heated. for example in 1800 james callendar (hired by thomas jefferson) wrote a slew of slanderous articles against then-president john adams. and in the late 19th century davy crockett claimed that martin van buren wore women's corsetts. i'm tired of people who claim to be "interested and involved" in polictics idealizing it. it's politics. it's dirty and often unfair. i can guarentee each side comprimises, each candidate is willing to bend a little to get what they want.

this year something amazing happened: we elected a man who inspires millions, who challenges our beliefs about what is possible. for one minute take some time to breath. forget about what makes you mad, how you think things should have gone. forget about being "righteously outraged" and get excited! john f. kennedy inspired us toward the moon, abraham lincoln shot us to a free country for all, let's give barack obama the time and space to see where his inspiration leads.

copy-cat 2...

i stole this from kelsey, who stole it from holly, who stole it from maryann. by the way, having 2 hours to kill EVERY tuesday is really adding content to my blog.

Top Fives thing I can't live without, under $51.
1. TV
2. my email
3. a mark special
4. matty and t-hellinga
5. my journal of silly and vital musings

Five Favorite Movies
1. braveheart (if you haven't seen this movie your soul is probably slowly withering to death.)
2. shakespeare in love (this is particularly fantastic if you have even a small understanding of shakespeare's history and his body of work.)
3. blood diamond
4. newsies (this is mostly because it is saturated with the sweet scent of my childhood.)
5. white christmas

Five Songs that I listen to until I can't handle it anymore and then return to them in a month.
1. The heart of the matter by india aire (well actually she covered it, but i like her version best)
2. the valley by ginny owens
3. livin' on a prayer by jon bon jovi
4. heat of the moment by asia (i really dig the 80s.)
5. really anything by U2

Five people/events that inspire my life
1. nelson mandela/ the end of apharteid
2. conrad and bonnie kusel
3. the children's choir that i direct
4. jesus
5. grandma nazarian

Five moments/events that changed my life
1. DTS, spending seven months totally devoted to learning more about myself and more about my God was utterly life changing.
2. holding a little african baby on christmas eve. watching someone so tiny struggle for each breath taught me how to grab ahold of the the hem of Christ's robe and hold on for dear life.
3. finishing college, never thought i would.
4. a conversation with Matty at family camp, that helped me value myself more.
5. being in Mr. Well's honor's english class

Five current obsessions
1. real world/road rules challenge (i'm sorry, but this show is amazing. i laugh out loud every week.)
2. the jonas brothers (wow i am totally ashamed to admit that.)
3. twilight
4. book club
5. learning to be a really talented BBQ-er

Five places I would like to go
1. london, england
2. scotland
3. kenya
4. thailand
5. never-never land

BONUS: Five querks/confessions about me
1. i have real, documented and extreme road rage
2. i am easily intimidated
3. i love airports
4. i still can't sleep the night before christmas
5. i love it when my family isn't home so i can pee with the door open