12 Gauge Panache - Remember When Me and Oliver

here is a video of my favorite band. this was an extremely rare occurance where they agreed to play for just a small intimate group. i was lucky enough to be invited!

For Rocks?

This weekend I watched a movie titled: Blood Diamond. Maybe you saw it, maybe you picked it up at Blockbuster because you heard that it was the action film of the year or perhaps you're a fan of Leonardo Dicaprio. Those are a few reasons I rented it. But I found that when I watched it I discovered more than a movie. That little piece of cinema changed a lot for me. I watched as children were handed guns and told to use them. I watched as men had their hand cut off and women were raped. Why? For some shiny rocks- for diamonds.

It brought up a lot of questions for me. Why do we continue to hate and kill? What causes us to completely ignore compassion and instead turn out attention to destruction? There is a quote from the movie that has stuck with me. It has been churning around and around in my head all weekend: Sometimes I wonder... will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? Then I look around and I realize... God left this place a long time ago. Is it true? Has God left Africa?

No I think not. I think that God is there. But it is hard to find him. It sure feels as if He has turned his head. I think that the best possible thing I can say about that is I don't know the "why's." I have asked, pleaded, screamed at God and I have no answers. But this I know: I know that He loves these children. I know that He cares about what happens to Africa and I know that I have to do something. I cannot sit at home and pretend that everything is fine. Everything is not fine. But there is hope and I must cling to that. There are children who have been made to do horrible things, they have seen awful things, but they are still children and I can see no other purpose in my life than to love them. I want nothing but to love them. My hope is that I will soon figure out a practical place to put that love.

all hopped up on the easter bunny!

yesterday was easter sunday. when i woke up on sunday morning the very last thing i wanted to do was go to church. i dragged myself into the shower, then with a sigh of frustration i faced my closet. first i couldn't decide what to wear. nothing was right- nothing felt right. after my clothing disaster i faced the challenge of my hair and well that just opened up a completely new can of worms. now for all you men out there who read this and think to yourselves, "wow chelsea these sure do seem like ridiculous problems. these issues ruined your morning?" to you i reply, well you're right (a little bit) these are ridiculous problems and i did have my focus in the wrong place. however i don't think you grasp the completely consuming way that not being able to find an outfit takes over. it becomes more than just the clothes that you wear- it affects how you look at yourself. with one tee-shirt you can be sexy, smart, ugly, or sad. the clothes speak about us. but i digress...

anyway as i walked into church i felt myself wishing that i had stayed home, covers thrown over my head, waiting till monday. but then God, as He usually does, intervened. during worship on sunday i could barely keep my feet on solid ground. this Lord i worship is amazing. i sang at the very top of my voice, i threw my hands into the air, and i remembered His promise. Jesus died so that i might have eternal life. the best part of that is that i don't have to wait till i die to claim that promise. i have life over the ordinary, mundane aspects of life. as we sang about His resurrection i was reminded once again that He gave me everything. i am not trapped by clothes or feelings or sorrow! hallelujah!

it's offically here!

I never thought Spring would show up! I wandered around Seattle freezing and completely sure that I would never see daylight again. Ah... but what can I say? I just had to show a little patience. Lately our campus is budding with flowers, the sun is out, and everything feels like a new beginning. The above picture I took on one of those impossibly beautiful afternoons. Don't you with you were here?

Spring Break, Baby!

well i have offically been home for a week and guess what... today is the first day the sun was out! but it was out and so i took advantage of it. my friend kacey and i packed up her car with my goddaughter (kacey's kid) and her niece, shovels and pails, sunscreen, and plenty of pb&j. i must say that hitting the beach with 2 three year olds is way more fun than going with a bunch of adults. these days i go to the beach and lay out in the sun, reading a trashy magazine or whatever book i happen to be into at that moment. but with the girls today it was way better. we built sandcastles, ran after crabs, and played in the water. we waved to every surfer and spent a good ten minutes watching a boat drift by. it was like experiencing a bit of my childhood again. ah, soooo worth the exhausted feeling that now rests in the pit of my stomach.

but the beach is not the only way i have been keeping busy so far this break. tyler hellinga and i spent st. patrick's day in a movie theater with one old guy. it was creepy and hilarious and if you ask me about it i would love to relate the story. i have had dinner at the hellinga household- which in case you were wondering, is always a good idea.

i love being here, love being in my room and seeing my friends and family. but i gotta say i am beginning to be ready to go home. so... seattle see you in a couple days!

avoidance

i find this blog a magical way to avoid my homework. here i can write everything i am thinking about- drain it out of me and then maybe (just maybe) i will be able to focus on my essay. i'm supposed to be comparing robert frost and william wordsworth right now. ha! instead i am here, on the internet rambling to no one about nothing. i feel in some small way i am fighting "the man."

tonight as i read through these poems that i am supposed to be anazlying i started thinking about love. it's hard not to. that's what most poems are about. not always a romantic love, but always love. love of one's nation or one's self. love is such a tricky beast. on the one hand, caring for another person in a raw and desperate way can be the beginning of everything. i think that humanity has a much bigger capacity to love than they think. but giving someone a place in your heart like that takes such sacrifice. to let someone in is a scary thing. it can be the end of everything.

so how do we step out and love? well, i think that the very first and most important thing to remember is that loving someone is necessary. love your family, love your friends, love the woman sitting next to you on the bus. but that's a different kind of love altogether. that kind of love is easier to spread than you think. it is! it costs nothing and means everything. this picture reminds me that there is so much pain in this world we'll never be able to fix. most of these kids are HIV positive, they've lost parents and siblings to a disease that we have no way to cure. i can't do anything about that. but i can love them. i can swing them up into my arms, kiss their little faces and say, "i'm here." and that... well that is a little piece of heaven.

as for the jumping off the cliffs kind of love? i've never done it. so... i can offer no good advice. i can only cheer you on as you leap. i hope one day to join you in that big jump. so promise to let me know how it goes?

Egypt