Archbishop Desmond Tutu on Forgiveness

waiting...

tonight i have been sitting on my bed all cuddled up and warm and i have been thinking about my fast approaching graduation. i am about five weeks away from finishing something i have never thought i would complete. i find i am consumed with fear, excitement, anticipation, and sadness. i am so ready for this new chapter to begin.

on the other hand seattle has changed everything in my life. i am not sure that i am ready to live this little cave i have carved out for myself. you know the other day i was sitting in my living room and i looked around at the people i love. i watched as patrick and joel argued about whether he was hiding her cell phone and i giggled as matt, adam, jake, and tim watched the mariner's game. carlee, heather, krista and kristin were talking about past and upcoming nuptuials. this warm glow started to spread around me. i felt so content. it was this rare moment of perfect happiness. yes i will miss this chapter quite a bit. it's a good thing that i don't have to say good-bye- just see ya later.

thoughts for the new year...

i have been thinking a lot lately about the movement between "last year" and "this year." as 2007 passed by i thought of all the things that i didn't do. i thought about the times when fate called for my courage and instead i cowered. i thought about the chances i had to jump and the moments of honesty that i let slip through my fingers. i also spent a lot of time thinking about the accomplishments of 2007. there was pride that ran through the year. challenges i overcame and days when i dug my feet in and stood my ground. that was my year: a jumble of what might have been and what was.

now i look toward 2008. as the clock struck midnight and the new year was upon me it was a chance to change the "could be's" into "definately's." i have this belief that something can always be made new. so in 2008 i plan to stay ahead of the pack, be more honest, surprise myself, and be daring. watch world!

thoughts on rica...

ok so here's the deal... i cannot even begin to describe how fantastic and demoralizing costa rica was. does that sentence confuse you? good. because i was confused for quite sometime. here's the fantastic part: first of all costa rica is beautiful. the foliage (yes i just used that word!) was so lush and rich. from the moment we stepped out of the airport it was as if i had found God's secret garden. well, i guess it wasn't praticularly secret, but it felt that way. The calm of the hills and the huge tress just healed my soul. I am definately not a nature person. Mostly i get soothed by big cities. i know, i know that is weird. but i get amped by the traffic and the arcitecture. but here in costa rica i found this little slice of peace that i so desperately needed. so here's some photos of the beauty of it.

So anyway after letting the countryside soothe my soul i found myself calmed by my team. not to say that we didn't have our problems it was just so much fun. i laughed more than i ever laughed and all you that know me, know i can laugh. i loved being silly. i loved having people around who wanted to genuinely serve the Lord. i have led a mission's trip when i had to fight my team members to have the right additude. but here in this place i discovered they already had the right additude. it was just amazing. as for the demoralizing portion of the trip... well that i am still sorting out. so i'll let you know when i know.

costa rica... thoughts to come

The BIG T...

so tonight i was reading through my friend Theresa's blog. and i have a few things to say. first of all there is no girl on earth like this girl. she is beautiful, compassionate, funny, and incredibly insightful. but the thing i love most about T and the reason i am devoting an entire blog to her is that she is so willing to be broken. she wears her heart on her sleeve- well when she's wearing sleeves. man do i long to be honest like that. her life is an adventure. right now my friend is in new york. yes, alone. she goes for it- always. ok, now i have to be honest she agonises about the adventure. she will obsess about every little part of the pool, but she always jumps in. always.

in honor of my friend T i have decided to write something that i avoid saying. mostly because to say it, or in this case- to write it, puts in in cement. to see those little black and white letters damning me is scary. but here goes.... i am lonely. i am lonely. i am lonely. ok not so bad, let's share some more. i have this dream where the most perfectly imperfect guy walks into my life and we fall madly in love. not the movie's kind of love- beyond lust, beyond passion. where i knew every curve of his ear and he knows merely by my face that i just need to be held. we fall in love and it lasts way after the final credits. in my dreams we live this full, rich life. we travel and we have great friends. but most of all we have kids. i can't decide on the number it hovers somewhere between 4 and 10. i can smell the tops of those little babies heads. my arms feel heavy and cold without them to hold. and this is my dream. there are a lot of reasons that this dream is hard to put into words. first of all i've never known the curves of a man's ear. that's hard. it brings up all sorts of insecurities. but the other reason that my dream is hard is deep down, underneath the smile i put on for my friends and family i don't believe that my dream will ever become reality. this has made me close myself off. i don't let anyone in too far. i have also become angry, mostly at God. and this summer i had it out with Him. and as i thought about my heart's truest desire i realized it wasn't God- but it was this family, this dream that stays on me like the feeling of walking through fog. and i was determinded that i would want God more. that it was more important for me to love the giver of my life than to love a husband or children. and that seems very noble and right. but is it that i am finally drawing closer to my God and what He wants or is it that i am still running scared? in my mind it's true i want God more, but i am worried that my heart is off somewhere else, making other plans without me. i want to find love. i want to give love. i am lonely. i am lonely. i am lonely.

old friends...

so tonight i decided something: there is nothing like old friends. there are a handful of people that just hold on to a piece of my heart. they walked with me through hard times or they joined me in that reckless abandon kind of joy! even though i am out of touch with some of these people when i see them or talk to them on the phone, no matter how long it's been, i just feel instantly connected.

tonight i realized that kind of intimacy is so rare and should be treasured. so to those friends i must say how much i love you.
the whole DTS gang
carrie
tyler
matty
and of course emily!
i treasure you guys.