so tonight i was reading through my friend Theresa's blog. and i have a few things to say. first of all there is no girl on earth like this girl. she is beautiful, compassionate, funny, and incredibly insightful. but the thing i love most about T and the reason i am devoting an entire blog to her is that she is so willing to be broken. she wears her heart on her sleeve- well when she's wearing sleeves. man do i long to be honest like that. her life is an adventure. right now my friend is in new york. yes, alone. she goes for it- always. ok, now i have to be honest she agonises about the adventure. she will obsess about every little part of the pool, but she always jumps in. always.
in honor of my friend T i have decided to write something that i avoid saying. mostly because to say it, or in this case- to write it, puts in in cement. to see those little black and white letters damning me is scary. but here goes.... i am lonely. i am lonely. i am lonely. ok not so bad, let's share some more. i have this dream where the most perfectly imperfect guy walks into my life and we fall madly in love. not the movie's kind of love- beyond lust, beyond passion. where i knew every curve of his ear and he knows merely by my face that i just need to be held. we fall in love and it lasts way after the final credits. in my dreams we live this full, rich life. we travel and we have great friends. but most of all we have kids. i can't decide on the number it hovers somewhere between 4 and 10. i can smell the tops of those little babies heads. my arms feel heavy and cold without them to hold. and this is my dream. there are a lot of reasons that this dream is hard to put into words. first of all i've never known the curves of a man's ear. that's hard. it brings up all sorts of insecurities. but the other reason that my dream is hard is deep down, underneath the smile i put on for my friends and family i don't believe that my dream will ever become reality. this has made me close myself off. i don't let anyone in too far. i have also become angry, mostly at God. and this summer i had it out with Him. and as i thought about my heart's truest desire i realized it wasn't God- but it was this family, this dream that stays on me like the feeling of walking through fog. and i was determinded that i would want God more. that it was more important for me to love the giver of my life than to love a husband or children. and that seems very noble and right. but is it that i am finally drawing closer to my God and what He wants or is it that i am still running scared? in my mind it's true i want God more, but i am worried that my heart is off somewhere else, making other plans without me. i want to find love. i want to give love. i am lonely. i am lonely. i am lonely.
